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I've been reading everything I could for the last few days that I found on this site. I just found out about a week ago my wife was having an affair with another guy. The physical affair was going on for about 5 months before I found out and close to a year emotionally. I've told her that I want her to end the affair, but she doesn't want to. She tells me that she loves him and me. I've tried to ask what she finds in him, but she just says I don't know.
I'm trying to figure out what to do as I have already exposed the affair to my family and friends. She constantly telling me that she is how she feels like she is being attacked all the time and just needs to get away.
I've told her that I want to save the marriage, but any time I try to get any answer to what she wants or feels it seems to be I don't know.
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Sorry you are here rm, but you have landed in the best place possible for what you are dealing with. The board members will need more basic info. click here>>> Newly BetrayedHave you exposed to her family, friends? Is this a workplace affair? Do you know who the OM is? Supply as much info as you can. So sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. I know how you are feeling right now. I've been there...twice! But listen to this, and listen well. The vets here have nothing but your marriage's best interest at heart. They will offer you no advice that will hurt your marriage. May hurt your feelings at times, but it will be for your own good. Trust me on this. Listen, and implement what they tell you to do and you'll be fine. Weekends are kind of slow here, so be patient for responses.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I'm trying to figure out what to do as I have already exposed the affair to my family and friends. Hi rm1979, welcome to Marriage Builders. How long married? Any children? How old? Is the OM married? Do they work together? To WHOM did you expose the affair and what was the outcome? WHAT did you say to them exactly? Did they all call your WW? Does she know you have exposed the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Link that you will definitely need Acronyms and Abbreviations
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Well to start with Married for 8 years, together 9. We have 2 children a 5 year old and a 3 year old.
OM - Is married in the military and not the first affair he has had and they don't work together. OM is now deployed in another state.
Exposed to Parents, Sister, Pastor, all of the family in the immediate area. All have been supportive to me, and don't condone the affair.
All the friends that my WW still associate know about the affair already (even employer which found out the week before I did) and don't condone it at least that was what I have been told. The WW has over the course of a year run off most all of her friends.
I can't remember all that was said at this point as my emotions and thoughts have been so up and down lately.
Yes she knows I exposed it to these people and only 2 have contacted the WW
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rm1979, thanks for your answers. My suggestion would be to go after the OM. Go read the thread that is linked in my signature. You can get the military to issue a no contact order to him and he may even be court maritialed.
Does he have a facebook page? Do you know how to contact his parents?
How often has your wife seen him? Does she go to where he is? How did they meet?
Have you DEMANDED that she end her affair? How does she carry it on? Does she call from the house? When and how does she speak to him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OM - Is married in the military and not the first affair he has had and they don't work together. OM is now deployed in another state. What about the OM's wife? Have you told her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Here are the instructions for exposing to the military: Melody, here goes on the exposure part with military members.
If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.
When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).
The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!
At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!
Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.
How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!
So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).
Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks. The OM wife is aware of the Affair I personally haven't talked to her as she is a bit unstable to say the least. I've been considering going to his command about the affair but haven't as of yet as I am well aware of the action to bury the issue rather than address the issue in the military.
They met through a mercy ministry at our church WW met OM through OM's wife. OM came back from deployment and was being treated for PTSD and WW initially was a friend to OM. Since his station changed she hasn't seen him but 2 times (one of which is where I found out). She hasn't gone to where he is at yet, but has told me that she is going to go see him this weekend.
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Thanks. The OM wife is aware of the Affair I personally haven't talked to her as she is a bit unstable to say the least. I've been considering going to his command about the affair but haven't as of yet as I am well aware of the action to bury the issue rather than address the issue in the military.
They met through a mercy ministry at our church WW met OM through OM's wife. OM came back from deployment and was being treated for PTSD and WW initially was a friend to OM. Since his station changed she hasn't seen him but 2 times (one of which is where I found out). She hasn't gone to where he is at yet, but has told me that she is going to go see him this weekend. You didn't mention anything about this being military. You can kill this thing quickly. Read this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2599045#Post2599045
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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rm1979,
I am a WW. My advice to you is to somehow scare her back into reality.
She is totally FOGGY and has no idea what she's doing.
Your children are so young. You've got to expose to the military. You have to destroy OM. Don't let his PTSD keep you from doing so.
You have to show her what she has to lose. Otherwise, she'll never get out of the fog.
You are allowing her to stay in your house and go to see him on the weekend? That has to STOP NOW! Do not take what she dishes out.
Read Melody's Exposure 101. Take away all security your wife has from you (emotional, physical, financial). Force her to seek all her needs from the POSOM.
Guaranteed he can't meet her needs especially with a family of his own and suffering from PTSD. You have to expose him to the military. There's no other way to kill the affair.
CT
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Seek out Celtic Voyageur. He'll tell you exactly what to do!
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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Thanks. The OM wife is aware of the Affair I personally haven't talked to her as she is a bit unstable to say the least. I am certain she is more stable than your wife and her sleazy husband. It is extremely important that you speak to her directly and tell her all about the affair. She can be your greatest ally. I've been considering going to his command about the affair but haven't as of yet as I am well aware of the action to bury the issue rather than address the issue in the military. Going to the military will likely kill the affair very quickly. The man who wrote that was a former IG and has helped kill many affairs on this board. You have a loaded gun in your hand that kill this affair very quickly. I would strongly advise you to USE IT if you want to save your marriage. They met through a mercy ministry at our church WW met OM through OM's wife. OM came back from deployment and was being treated for PTSD and WW initially was a friend to OM. Since his station changed she hasn't seen him but 2 times (one of which is where I found out). She hasn't gone to where he is at yet, but has told me that she is going to go see him this weekend. \ In that case, you need to get to work and expose this affair! Call the OM's wife and contact the OM's IG.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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...has told me that she is going to go see him this weekend.
Oh, this is almost too easy! Leave the day before she does - just disappear. Go hunting, fishing, golfing, it doesn't matter. REALLY gutsy would be to fly to POSOM's house yourself to have that chat with OMW.
Leave her with the almost impossible problem of finding a suitable place to leave your two children so she can go get her pipes cleaned by her POSOM. It certainly won't be with her family, or yours, once you've exposed to them all.
In the meantime, since this seems to have been church-based, fully expose to the minister (or priest, rabbi, or imam) what is going on in his house. Then go to his superior, asking what the district, zone, diocese has in place to prevent these kinds of relationships developing.
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one of the issues I'm running into isn't so much as exposing the OM to his IG. I can care less about him or his family. The issue is that my WW is bi-polar and hasn't been set on the correct meds yet and only just recently agreed to seeing someone to address this.
Also would causing the No Contact help if she hasn't presented any remorse other than getting caught. She's not sure that she even want's to work on the marriage at this point. Told me to night that she's just numb, it is better not to feel than to be hurt.
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one of the issues I'm running into isn't so much as exposing the OM to his IG. I can care less about him or his family. The issue is that my WW is bi-polar and hasn't been set on the correct meds yet and only just recently agreed to seeing someone to address this. Thats fine. But you should not get distracted with this issue. Her affair will make her condition worse, so you need to focus 100% on ending her affair. Also would causing the No Contact help if she hasn't presented any remorse other than getting caught. She's not sure that she even want's to work on the marriage at this point. Told me to night that she's just numb, it is better not to feel than to be hurt. She is likely to never feel remorse so don't be concerned about that. If she does feel any remorse it will come from de-fogging from her affair. That will be achieved by killing her affair. And of course she doesn't want to work on the marriage, she is in an affair. She won't want to work on it until her affair is over. rm, you need to focus all of your energy on killing her affair. You have a unique ability to kill her affair and save your marriage that others here don't have. You need to shoot that bullet. Expose the affair to the IG AND to his wife. And don't delay. They should be prevented from hooking up this weekend. You have the power to stop it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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one of the issues I'm running into isn't so much as exposing the OM to his IG. I can care less about him or his family. The issue is that my WW is bi-polar and hasn't been set on the correct meds yet and only just recently agreed to seeing someone to address this.
Also would causing the No Contact help if she hasn't presented any remorse other than getting caught. She's not sure that she even want's to work on the marriage at this point. Told me to night that she's just numb, it is better not to feel than to be hurt. rm1979, you are looking a gift horse in the mouth here. Right now job number one is killing this affair. You have tools that most people aren't privy to. You need to use them and use them now. She's not sure she wants to work on the marriage because she's in an active affair. You have to kill the affair before you can even begin to think about recovering your marriage. It's that simple. Make the call to the IG...STAT! Get it going tomorrow first thing. People here can't help you if you don't listen and implement. Did you read Mortarman's post that Melody posted? Follow it to the letter. As far as BPD is concerned, I have no experience in that, but it should have no bearing in you making every effort possible to bust this affair sky high. Did you read the thread I linked to you from AJoseJake? See how fast that went down? Yeah, his WW is pissed as hell, and yours will be as well, but that's just tough. Look, she's deep in the fog of her little fantasy world that doesn't include you right now. It's time to bust up that fantasy and bring some real life to the table to combat it. Get on it
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Thanks. The OM wife is aware of the Affair I personally haven't talked to her as she is a bit unstable to say the least. Two more things; How do you know the OMW knows about the affair, and just who told you she is unstable as well? My bet? Your WW.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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No. I've met the OMW and the information I mention about her is from my own experience with her not the WW. Also my WW introduced many of her friends to the OM family before the affair started. A couple of them have reach out to me over the reaction that the OMW had about the affair.
OMW will not be any help as her actions are directly related to what will provider her the same quality of life and is a known liar. Used my wife to the tune of a couple of hundred dollars.
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Have you spoken to the OMW yourself? It would be a good idea to contact her and let her know of their plans to hook up this weekend. This is critical information that she needs to have.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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