Yeah, sure, it's CRAZY that we are concerned that there are some signs here that you DON'T GET IT and are arguing that not telling the truth does not mean you were lying.

Have you told your BW everything yet? If there is even ONE thing that in your mind you are thinking it would be better to leave out, that is YOUR SIGN that you need to tell her NOW.

Have you schedule the poly yet?

I don't believe that you "are burned out" or "barely care". What I think you are looking for is an EASIER way.

That's not going to work. You need to start getting HONEST.

BTW, you will get this advice from ANY former wayward here. Please stop playing that card... It won't work!

Seriously? You want to call me stupid when you lack the ability to understand the statement? Wow. Just wow.

I'll explain: For the last 3.5 months I have worked to understand what lead to my affair. It had nothing to do with my wife - it was entirely my own doing by having 1)very poor boundaries 2) a complete lack of awareness of what was happening 3) not protecting my emotional needs (something I never knew of before) and 4) some medical issues that contributed to impulsive behavior.

As I learned about these things I did my best to make changes. I closed off any place where I allowed other women to meet my emotional needs. I locked it down. I think spent a LOT of time with my wife and only allowed her to be the one who even could meet my needs. I did not force it on her, but just being around her enough worked. I looked for ways to meet her needs. Lots of small things and large things. Affection, support, empathy - I worked on these any many other things to improve how I interacted with her and how I supported her.

It was all very new to me - paying attention to the details like this. It was not easy - she shut me down most of the time, but recently Steve helped her to understand that she wasn't improving because her own self-defense measures were not allowing me to meet her needs. Once she recognized that - things improved dramatically. It was starting to become very, very good.

Some of you will say she never improved because she didn't have the truth. That is BS. She and I were improving. She BACKSLID because I didn't tell her the truth, but there WAS improvement. She has told me so.

Now, we are both numb. She doesn't love me. She wants a divorce. I am numb. Nothing. I was only asking on this board if there were any former wayward MEN that had been through this and had any words of encouragement. I am not looking for justification - I am looking for WHAT WORKED FOR OTHERS IN MY SITUATION.

We have told you, FWSs included, that it starts with honesty.

Have you told her the entire truth yet?

Have you scheduled the poly?

MTH

Not a good way to keep advice coming.


The posters are right on with what they are telling you and the advice they are giving.

Don't know exactly what my male perspetive could add since it is not my opinion. It is from study and understanding of the MB's program that advice is given.

nESRE

You can write me off b/c I'm just another FWW (neither myself or Mrs W are currently wayward, by the way, but you are entitled to your opinion), or you can listen to me when I tell you to LISTEN to the advice here, regardless of gender, regardless of whether they were the betrayed or the wayward...why? Because the people you have had posting to you know how to use MB to recover a marriage. Well, except for me, perhaps, which gives you another reason to write off my advice, I suppose.

STOP being so defensive. You do not grasp the significance of what your trickle truth did to minjo.



No? I'd reread what has been posted to you, then.



The reason you "barely care anymore" is b/c you got caught lying and you don't know how to fix it. It was easier when she believed your lies, huh? Yeah, it was easier for me when my H believed my lies, too. We were recovering, so I thought. He doted on me, met all my ENs, I wanted to keep that going...I believed if he found out I'd spread my legs for another man that he'd be done. I was right, although he wasn't "done" right away. I didn't find MB till several months later and by then there was too much damage to be overcome. But you have the advantage of having MB early on, and a rather amazing BW who seems to want to reconcile with you.

But you can write off my advice with the excuse that I'm the wrong gender or whatever b/c I'm not saying what you want to hear.

I am looking for what other men in my situation did when everything was totally borked up. When they no longer cared to move forward. When their eyes constantly burned, their head always hurts and their wife no longer loves them. What did they do? How did they move forward? Why?

Obviously, you don't understand. I really don't need your comments. Thanks anyhow!

Wayward deflection tactic 101, when people confront you with an unpleasant truth accuse them of being "bitter" or "unhelpful." We know that trick, buddy.

For the record, Lexxy is a former wayward herself.

You aren't looking for anything concrete, you are looking for sympathy. Which you aren't going to find here.

First off, a former wayward MAN is not going to tell you anything different from what we told you. And secondly, you most desperately need to hear from BETRAYED WIVES right now so you will know how to deal with your own wife. It makes no sense to keep crying for some wayward man to come rescue you.

MelodyLane - Either I am not explaining myself well or the hostility here is just too much for any FWH to talk.

My issue is that I no longer care to go forward. I recognize that it would be best to keep the marriage, but I just don't know how because I don't care.

I signed over the property. I will take the poly, but other that that I lack any motivation.

Obviously you do not understand that helpful advice does not need to come from a "man" who was in your situation. I view this as just another deflection tactic to manipulate the situation.

Let us know when you get serious and we will be happy to help you. But you have to stop the silly games first. They are not going to work here.

If you don't "care to move forward" and do the necessary things to save your marriage, then you need to move out and stop harming your wife. You have caused her enough pain and grief to last a lifetime. If you can't make just compensation to her, then this is hopeless and you are just wasting her time. You are dangerous to her unless you man up and do the necessary things to recover your marriage. ]

No one is going to take you seriously until you get serious, pal.

Don't you and minjo have four kids? That's a lot of potential motivation, if you're looking for some. Just saying.

Bingo. That is what she has asked me to do. I talked my way back in, but I don't know how to respond to all the issues/problems. Whatever...

Seriously, I think that is first real world advice that I have been given and it will work.

When you no longer care, take the divorce. If you want to learn how to get yourself motivated then read about Dr Harley's plan on how to survive an affair and restore your marriage. Man up, consult with Steve Harley, do something, but stop whining - this is childish.

That is good that you signed over this property.

Hmmm, you don't care and have no motivation...yet have taken the time to write this in at least five different posts. Interesting...

Wow. Ha.

Yes, I am a former wayward. And I posted that after reading all of your thread and every reply. I do not post out of "laziness" and I do not post if I am uninformed.

But thanks for your assumptions.

If you are not able to do ALL of the heavy lifting then you should not be attempting to recover. Recovery is reset. You start over. Because of YOUR actions. AGAIN.

If you don't feel bad about that...your wife will be better off without you. You did this.

Then what motivates you to come here and post? Just to waste valuable time that could spent on others who are serious about their marriages?

We can't help you if you are not serious.

Agree. The only way this marriage will recover is if he commits to repairing the damage he caused. Since he refuses to do that, he makes recovery impossible. His continued presence only serves to harm his wife and tear her down even more.

It is notable that he is motivated to come here and pander sympathy for himself.

Sorry you couldn't find that here.

MTH, I want to reiterate my offer of help when you get serious. You will get lots of support here if you are serious. But no one can help you until you get serious.

Let us know if you get serious.

No usable advice? Are you kidding? Do you believe there is some different standard for men and women when it comes to making amends?

We have told you over and over -- Get HONEST -- COMPLETELY HONEST. Help your spouse with the devastation that you caused -- put your needs on the back burner until she stops bleeding and catches her breath for goodness sakes.

Get HUMBLE. Recovery requires a humble heart -- for both wayward men and wayward women. There is no difference.

And I gave you the name of a FWH poster whose posts you would benefit from reading -- Did you search for his posts? His name is HerPapaBear. My guess is you didn't search, and would prefer to be spoon fed. Sigh...

I'll help you out -- Here is a link to his very first thread~~~> HerPapaBear's Posts All you have to do is click on his name to find all of his posts. In my opinion, he is one of the best.

Mrs. W

MTH, firstly, DO NOT insult FORMER Waywards Spouses by trying to describe YOURSELF as one, you are far from that. You scoff at the advice given to you by many esteemed members of this site. There are many posters who WISH that they had these same people spending this much time helping THEM. Craziness.

Has there been ANY contact with OW? Has there been even indirect contact? Looked at pictures? Someone tell you about her? See, and remember a place that you shared something with her?

Do you feel like you did anything wrong by committing adultery? Do you feel any remorse for your actions?