Yes, definitely DO NOT leave the house. That has to be one of the NUMBER ONE mistakes that betrayed husbands make.

SW,
It seems as if you are stubborn as well. Your wife isn't your wife right now and all of her actions are based on fantasy and emotion. You aren't controlling anything by being in Plan A. Sure it's your wife's decision to do whatever it is that she decides to do. She has to live with that. I had the same thought process you're having. Why should I care if she doesn't? Why should I try if she isn't trying?

You know what I did? I put my pride aside and said what do I have to lose by being the best person I can for me and for her? I told myself if I lost my wife after doing the best Plan A I can do, then I would know it wasn't due to my taker or my pride. I made a decision to show my wife the best me I could show. It's been months now and there were times when I thought it was useless. I haven't even blinked at her madness or her actions. I came here to vent and I was encouraged to keep going no matter what she said or did. I thought it was hopeless, but I kept texting and calling and inviting my wife to anything and everything. Some times I would get no response. Some times it was no thank you and some times it was F U.

No matter what she did I kept on showing my good side. Last night I took my wife out to dinner and drinks. This morning I took her and the kids out to brunch. When I went to the door, she leaned in to kiss me. You know what I did? I thought I was in her way and moved because I wasn't expecting that at all. I messed up my chance at a kiss from her and it was an awkward moment. That's what no expectations means. You show your best side no matter what. Things are not moving at cheetah speed, but they are moving in a positive direction. If I wouldn't have listened to the advice I was given here, I would be where you are right now. Venting and not making any progress.

I don't mean to get down on you, but you're not listening and you're doing things your own way. It's not working. Maybe someone else can chime in here, but please, if you want your wife back, set your pride aside and stop evaluating what you think you know.

No, No, I'm not posting on other forums at all. I was just reading about another guy on a different forum that had a situation similar to mine. Was seeing how it turns out.

GJM, there is a slight difference with our situations now. If I recall, the OM is no longer in your wife's life. She may still have pangs for the OM, but he is not in the picture, correct? If so, then you have an opportunity to be the knight in shining armor for your wife. Plus, you filed and can slow it down or even cancel the divorce proceeding.

My wife is still seeing the OM (as far as I know) and she filed for divorce, so I am at her mercy in regards to how fast it moves along. I can make sure I don't enable it, but I cannot stop it.

I think you're right, I have a stubborn streak going right now. I'm actually in a phase now where I'm struggling between reaching out to her via texting, emails, etc, and telling myself that she hasn't responding positively to me in the past many months and has now filed for D, so why should I belittle myself by trying to communicate with someone who doesn't care.


This is fantastic, IF I could get her to maybe see me in person, or come over to the house. She's only been over once in the past 3 weeks and that was quickly for DD to pick up some things. I wasn't even home when she stopped by.

GJM, if I recall, your wife would come over to the house to have dinner with the family. So she made an effort to at least come over to see the kids. My wife doesn't come over at all anymore. So it's impossible for her to see anything positive I may be doing.

To be honest, I'm getting burned out on her BS.

GJM, I hope I didn't come across as harsh on my last post. I posted it late at night and was tired. It's difficult to articulate my feelings because there is indeed a level of pride that I'm struggling with. After many months of being patient, giving my wife space, holding down the fort and getting no appreciation from my W on it (while she basically lives a care- free life), then her filing D on top of it, it's difficult to not pull back and try to preserve what little pride and respect I have left.

Still ... may I ask ... was your expectation that your wife would always love you unconditionally no matter what you did?

Did you believe in unconditional love before your WW's adultery?

The issue with Plan A is to show the wayward spouse your actions ... if unconditional love was an expectation of yours ... then you wife was likely keeping score all these years ... of course today she is in full TAKER mode. She is holding you accountable by abusing you in the worse way because she is mad at you.

Your goal in Plan A is to demonstrate to her that you are willing to meet her needs and do a darn good job of that. You have a great chance of getting your wife back ... it won't happen if she senses you are still entitled for her to do something in return for you since you are doing something for her.

It leads to sacrifice and the "renter" mentality ... a marriage cannot survive with a "renter" mentality.

Your actions ... lead to behavior change ... lead to your character ... what kind of husband do you want to be?

Did I even know the term unconditional love before all this? I had heard of the term, but never dug deep into all of this. All I knew was that I loved my wife more than anything else. Always did, and most likely always will. So could that be coined as unconditional love? I would think so. So did I believe in it, without really knowing the right term for it? Yes.

That being said, if I reflect upon the past, I had believed that my wife had the same feelings about love towards me. We held the same values, had the same beliefs. We had many common goals, likes & dislikes. I had absolutely no reason to believe that if there were any issues that would jeopardize our marriage, that either one of us wouldn�t bring it to each other�s attention and work through it. So yes, I guess you could say I had the same expectation of unconditional love from my wife.


As far as what type of husband do I want to be? I would say I want to be close to the same that I always was, with the exception that I would like to be more open with communicating. But it needs to be a two-way street. I cannot communicate well unless she is also willing to open up and communicate. Over the years, family and friends have always said that I was a good husband to my wife. My BILs and even my family have said that I was too nice and sometimes allowed my wife to do too much.

Not at all...you're very analytical. I can see that. I know what your instincts are telling you to do. Trust me, I have always carried myself with pride and demanded respect from everyone. Being married is different though. This person has done the ultimate betrayal and it wears you down. You don't know why it happened and you don't know how to fix it. Starting over sucks. It's basically a decision you have to make in regards to what you want for your future. Where do you see your self in a few years? Can you see your self alone or with your wife? No one here can tell you what to do or how to feel. All that we can do is tell you what has been successful and if used, you have a better chance at saving your marriage. Don't do what your instincts tell you. It's unnatural to do things the MB way.

Yes, my situation is different and I have had my wife over to see the kids and have dinner. I was able to convince her to come though. I just kept inviting and inviting and being nice. I just stayed persistent. Not in a creepy way. Just in a considerate way. I pray every night and I took what I learned from the bible and applied it to my situation. No matter what my wife said or did, I dealt with it in private and put my James Bond face on around her. Now we're going out every weekend and laughing and spending time together. Is she home yet? No, but I have a good feeling about it. This morning she came by and kissed me while we hugged. This time it was on the lips. Caught me by surprise. I haven't even updated my own thread yet about this weekend. I want that for you.

The OM is in the picture and I understand that your wife isn't interested in the marriage right now. You have to out compete the other man. I think you should read MMs thread some more. Make your self a better plan and go all in or all out. This waiting to see what happens stuff is going to drive you to an early grave. You have some key people in your corner. I would ask them to help you. Your BILs have influence over her. Have them sit down and talk to her. Give them all the ammo and have them fire it away at her. Maybe they can help wake her up. I know you may not want to use them to help you, but talk to them and ask them if they can help you get her back. Use every resource you can. Someone needs to get her back to reality and show her what life will be like once the OM is out of the picture and she's lost you too.

I'm pulling for you and I hope you can turn this thing around.

Something interesting. My wife had texted about a funeral this week, asked whether I was going. I said I was, we had a couple of cordial texts back and forth. Then out of the blue she begins to text me this:

WW: "Btw...do me a favor...give me the list of the people u sent that destructive FB message to...or you send a retraction message...I can't even walk into Target cuz of that message...airing OUR dirty laundry that way was so so horrible...."

WW: "You have no idea what you did...WHY???"

WW: "N don't ignore this"

WW: "I swear I will send a destructive message to ur coworkers...hs friends...friends...why...why....WHY"

ME: "Not going to discuss this now. I did it to save our marriage. To bring the affair into the light. I'm standing up for our family, our kids, our marriage, our history. It was meant to inform people, not hurt you."

ME: "No more discussion on this now."

WW: "No you will discuss this....my atty wants a copy...<SW>...DONT <BLEEPING> AIR OUR LIVES TO PEOPLE THAT DIDNT KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON...OMGGGG....U SENT IT TO MY CO WORKers...drs included....wtf? Thats so bad....I seriously wanted to check out of life cuz of that.....do u realize what you did. <SW> inform them of what....ur affair....really?....why didn't you include the whole story...."

WW: "Not to mention the fact that I told you two years ago that I didn't love you like I should.....why do you back down??? Answer me!"

WW: "If you wanted to save our marriage....first you would've never done that...second...you would have address this...it you hide when I want answers..such a coward."

WW: "N why did u send it to someone like <friend of ours>...it was revenge...plain n simple"

WW: "Honestly.....you pushed me so far away"

So that was out of the blue. She was fairly cordial to me with the past several texts she sent me. Then to turn around seconds later and unload on me like this?

Some background on her telling me that she didn't love me like she should 2 years ago. Two years ago out of the blue (after an argument over bills), she tells me that we should just be roommates, that I spend too much time with the kids and my family (not true on my family). We worked that out, and the entire spring, summer, and fall of 2010, we were like newlyweds. Holding hands, dating, making out like teenagers everywhere. We just had the best time together. Family saw us having fun, being a mushy, etc. So if she didn't love me like she should,then why didn't she just divorce me then? Anyway, that was the background on that comment he made.

It had been so quiet regarding the FB exposure for awhile. Now she's bringing it up again.

I have not responded other than my initial reply. I do not plan on engaging her on this.

That's good, don't.

And you're being such a good guy that she has to dig up old material--the exposure--to demonize you with. And now she's telling you that her attorney gets copies of everything.

So all the better for ignoring the texts unless she's willing to do what's needed.

Oh, and yes, I recognize what she texted as fogbabble. It's been so quiet from her lately (in terms of fogbabble) that I just figured she was fine with her situation and happy as could be because of her filing. It just set me back that anything related to exposure after such a dry spell would elicit such a sudden out pour. Especially a mere minute after texting me something so normal.

Don't engage, she wants exactly that. Of course she is angry, if she didn't want anyone to know then she should have thought of that herself....You only told the truth and it was to save your marriage and family......
When she completely defogs she will see it all for what it was....
Just go back to being quiet, let her be, let her stew........
She is just having a bad day in paradise.

It might be due to something else. Perhaps things aren't going so well in Affair Land and she's lashing out. Love-busting against you rather than the OM.

My sister's husband said the best thing to me today regarding my wife. Words of wisdom in my opinion.

He told me "She's not your problem anymore. She's someone else's problem."

What she texted you was par for the course and wayward script post exposure (even way after exposure) if still in the fog.

She is still on script.

I do love the words of wisdom from the guy who said it.

Yeah, I really don't have any idea where she's at with OM. Still going on? Is it on the rocks because of exposure? Stronger than ever?

She did do two things over the weekend that seemed somewhat off course considering her present state of mind. We had a funeral to go to this past Friday. We went separate, she went to the viewing just before the funeral,then left. I went to the funeral only. She called me at work to ask if I knew how to get to the church. I knew it was out in the sticks, roughly where it was at. She had her Google Map instructions in her car, so couldn't explain to me where it was at. I told her how I thought was the best way to get there, she said she had instructions. Well, lo and behold an hour or so later she gives me a call. She out in the sticks lost, asking me how to get there. I'm explaining to her. She calls back several more times saying she's still lost. I give her more instructions. She eventually gets there. Later on, I'm wondering to myself why she had to call me and ask for instructions? Why didn't she call OM and ask him. I know for a fact that he's real familiar with that area. So why call me? Not like we were meeting there.

Then over the weekend, I headed out of town to go visit my sister and her family and go out and have fun for St. Patrick's day. Much more fun in Milwaukee than where I live. DS was stayin home by himself and DD was staying at her friends. My wife asked me several times throughout the week if I was going to Milwaukee. She also said that DD could stay with her, she was planning to take her shopping Saturday anyhow. She said she could even hang out with her Sunday. So even though I know that DD stayed with her friend Saturday night, it was still very interesting that my wife was saying that DD could stay with her Saturday night. She even said she would come over to the house and stay if necessary since I would be out of town. That would have been the first time she stayed overnight at the house since she left 4 months ago. So the thing is my WW appears to have had no plans for St. Patrick's day? Not going out to the bars with OM? The way she said DD could stay with her or her at our house on Saturday sure seems to imply she had no plans for Saturday night. Unheard of for her.

So I know this is all just speculation, but I felt like typing this up. Perhaps one of the XWW can chime in. Between her not calling the OM for instructions, and strong possibility of not plans this past Saturday, makes me wonder just what her relationship with OM is anymore.

I also found out that she's going down to Chicago for her birthday this weekend. Apparently going there with her mother and some friends. I have no idea if 'friends' also include the OM. Maybe, maybe not. But what I do find very interesting is she is going to Chicago for her birthday, and not somewhere fancy or warm with OM. She would say over the past years how we should head somewhere warm for spring break like everyone else. Well, here she is having an A with an OM that co-owns a business, and he's not taking her anywhere for her birthday? And if he is going along on the Chicago trip, whoopee. My wife has been to Chicago lot of times. I would imagine she would be jacking his butt to take her on a trip somewhere fun! A trip to Chicago for her 45th birthday (birthdays ending in a 0 or 5 are important to my wife) is no different than any other year.

So some things here and there don't seem to add up to me for the behavior I would expect from my wife having an A. Lately I've been really wondering what's up with her and OM. Even my BIL is questioning it.

OM may have dropped her due to to pressure from the exposure. I haven't read your whole thread, but did you get to any of his family or anyone else close to him?

Or, they may just have taken the affair underground...

It's hard to say what state the A is in. I did get some of his family, yes.

Actually just engaged in some texting with my wife this afternoon. Started off as somewhat normal coversation, then when I didn't respond back in a timely fashion, she said "see then u ignore me....u, kill me....u send out a dirty laundry msg to fb to "save the marriage"....that a bunch of bs....n yet you don't answer me." To which I replied "I'm not ignoring, I just choose to not engage in non-productive conversation." Another thing she said that I thought was humorous was "and dont forget u had the affair first...I left because a marriage doesn't work on deceit...n yes u were the first to deceive me." I thought that was interesting. She can't stay in a deceitful marriage, yet I had my stupid affair 19 years ago and it took her 2 kids and this long to do something about it?

She essentially kept rambling about the FB exposure, saying it was for pure revenge. Claiming I sent it to everyone. I mean she sent at least 8 lengthy texts about the FB exposure. I then said the conversation was going nowhere and goodbye. Then she said there was too much damage done and goodbye for good. I replied that there was never too much damage, but it depends whether a person wants to deal with it or not.

I then said she must plan on living in this town forever. She said "ummmmm.....not sure...u moving to <bigger city>?" I then replied that it was interesting how her tune had changed from hating this town and all the redneck outdoorsmen in 4-wheel drive trucks. And that someday I did plan on moving near a bigger city just like I (we) always talked about. That I was not going to burn out here. She replied "good for you...."

She has yet to own up to any of what she's done. She still chooses to blame me for all the crap she caused. She even said in a text that I cause all the pain to her family. I responded that I caused no pain to her family, it was her affair that caused that. She of course did not reply back to that. I also, in reference to the FB message, said if she was ok with what she is doing, then why is it a big deal? And if she's not ok with it, then maybe she should change what she's doing. Of course, she did not reply back on that either.

Not that I'm sitting here dwelling on any of this (actually I do not much anymore like I did in my earlier posts), but I find it amazing how she always has to take digs at me. I read where a spouse that is indifferent has really checked out. If she was truly indifferent, it wouldn't be worth her time to even engage me in any of this conversation - it literally wouldn't bother her. Yet if there is still anger and hate, then that is an emotion which may mean there is still something left there.

Who knows. All I can say is I never directly engage her and throw stuff back in her face, either hate or anything disrespectful. Yet she still finds ways at least once a week to throw stuff back in my face.

So I'm on a rollercoaster right now. Ups and downs. I want my wife back and yet at times I'm fed up with everything and don't. But the fact that I still have part of me that wants her back leads me to believe that there's still a part of me that shouldn't give up if there is still a chance.

But that's the question, does she even have any thoughts of me/us anymore? Is she still with the OM? When she does text me (she rarely calls me, though she did call me several times for driving directions when she was lost last Friday) her texts may be about a legitimate question about kids, but lately her conversation then turns to the exposure and how it ruined her, etc. Some things I replied to her have been opportunities for her to tell me what her plans/feelings are. She could say she's happy with OM.

That's the problem. I have no indication what her feelings are. On one hand she texts or even emails me something normal which could indicate that she's fine with her life, perhaps even indifferent, and moving on. But then in the same conversation, within seconds, she will turn the entire conversation around and just show hate and pissed about exposure. She did say the hate is because of everything I've done throughout this, so she directs it back to me.

Anyhow, I'm rambling here. All I know is if I was in her shoes and had indeed moved on after filing for D and didn't have any feelings left for her, then I would still communicate with her regarding the kids, but anything else I wouldn't even bring it up. I would be ok with my decision to move and and not feel like getting into any conversation with her that would lead nowhere. I wouldn't care.

Obviously she still must care at some level, else she wouldn't be giving me the time of day. Bear in mind, it's not like she texts me everyday, though she does seem to make it a habit of trying to get under my skin at least once, maybe twice a week.

C.T., Lexxxy. thoughts? Anyone?

Anger is an emotion close to love. If she had no feelings toward you, then she would be indifferent.



History is on your side ... your marriage can still be saved ... OM is still in the picture ... give it time ... it can take 6 months after exposure to end ... it will end ... just give it time.