Hardly.

You are throwing out the baby with the bathwater here, sir.


Both of them do involve a choice - the choice to move forward, the choice to recover.

And here is a major difference;

Try telling anybody at all that you are divorcing your spouse because they have cancer.


Anger clouds you, young padawan.

Wrong.

Cancer created the anguish within that other family.

Adultery created the anguish within mine.

One is avoidable, the other not.

There is no choice with cancer. Once the victim dies, you move on but you have no choice if it hits you.

She had a millions of opportunities to avoid an affair, but CHOSE none of them. ONLY I HAVE THE CHOICE TO ACCEPT THE PATH TO RECOVERY.

Sorry.

And you both make the choice to recover. You both make the choice to move forward.


Of course, I have the perspective of reading your post, and then hearing the pain of a wife whose husband is a quad because of a work accident.

Of course, in our selfishness, we don't think about that, do we?

Though, I have to face it. It's my daily work.


My wife chose to have an affair. She has chosen to do the work to provide just compensation. I have a marriage that is better than it was before the affair.

My wife made both of those choices.


This man? Did not choose to have an apple bin fall on his head and break his neck, paralyzing him from the chest down, but both he and his wife now bear those consequences.



And you, Mike? You choose every day to drag that weight instead of carrying it. You choose every time to brandish like a weapon. That is the choice you make. You choose anger. You choose rage.

That is the choice you are making.

The anguish associated with a life-chaning illness or injury is the total loss of hope.

Again, you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. While the beginning may differ with choice, the end is the same.

Treat the illness, or don't. Look for hope, or don't. Do the work, or don't.

Make your choice.

Had a funeral near om house today. We then went to a store even closer. In fact this was the parking lot shed leave her car when theyd go out at nite.

She asked if there were any issues. No. Any anger. No.

A male friend we havent seen in a while said to my wife that she looks great and thin. He could get over how nice she looks. She asked me if compliments from men bother me. No. To myself i said compliments are terrific its when they lead to intercourse i have a problem.

But no problems being near the scene of the crime. Just hoped for the remote chance of a run in.

I have chosen to discontinued friendships with many of my long time friends for no other reason than I cant handle the humiliation of what was. Even if a word was never uttered to me by them, the fact that they just know it existed or that they heard an unsubstantiated rumor is too much for me to deal with.

So, when the mother of one of these guys died over the weekend (geez whats up with another death within a couple days of each other?)I know that a chance reunion will happen. This friend is someone Ive know for 20 years. Saw him for breakfast 2 years ago in Florida on vacation and we only emailed each other every six months since and before that. A mutual friend who knows about the A and was one of my best friends at one time (he was OMs partner long ago and its thru him we met OM and OMW) called me to see if I wanted to be picked up to go to the funeral. I am not going to the funeral. OM will not be there, hes not part of that group.

The friend who called to pick me up himself was a WS whose wife divorced him. I used to be somewhat social with him but since I know he knows I no longer want him in my life. Interesting, during the time of their prolonged divorce case, my wife remained friendly with his wife often commiserating about how terrible her husband is. During this time, my wife was doing her thing with her OM. Its not lost on me or my wife that my friend's now ex-wife has not spoken to my wife in months since OMW informed me she told him about the A. There is no doubt my buddy took the opportunity to tell his ex about my wife being as low a POS as he was. Kind of like, "just look who else is a lying, cheating miscreant."

Anyway, my need to end all of my friendships is bumming me out. I just cant face them. I have some pride, not a lot, just some. Enough that facing them is going to be too much embarassment.

I wont tell me wife any of this. This is just more stuff I get to keep crunched in my head next to all the other crap I get to keep silent in there.

I did send my friend a condolence card.

Two things, dude:

1) Eventually, you're going to run out of contacts, if you continue to consign to the no-contact list of your life folks who know/may-know/might-someday-know of the situation that brought you here. You risk ending up like that character in the commercial, shuffling around in your robe and slippers, collecting stray cats. NOT a pretty sight!

2) The shame is not, and never was, yours. Do not flatter yourself by thinking you can atone for it.

...since I know he knows I no longer want him in my life.

But he knows you know of his WW. Maybe he needs you in HIS life. Look, I'm getting into CP and CV territory here, and I'll likely screw it up if I proceed, but the point is we BSs are the most important sounding-boards for each other. Why would that be something that could not aid you in your recovery?

No, he was the wayward with the lovely addition of a being crackhead.

T/J I have a stray cat starter kit, if you need it Mike.

And, what's wrong with collecting stray cats? You say that like it's a bad thing or not normal!

...he was the wayward...

My bad! I misread your post, obviously.

But the admonition still applies to cutting off contact with the entirety of your circle.

Another reason to move. New place new friends.

Not moving. She's given me no reason to do that. She has no lingering thoughts of her A. She's as well adjusted to our life circumstance as you could want. Our closest of friends in our community do not know of the A and thus present no issues with me. In truth, I did tell my wife after deciding to give our marriage a chance, that if this gets out in our community at any level, we are moving. Never came to that.

The friends I gave up are not in my community as much as they are longtime pals who I was touch in with only on a occasion. One is in touch with my wifes OM and OMW took the opportunity to give my wife (and me) a jab by telling this one about the A. As he is quick, Im sure, to spread juicy news like this, there is little doubt all of this group of friends know.

I only detect nausea in her when any reference to anything affair-like is made. There is nothing in now 11 months that has made me think she has any thought, fleeting or otherwise, of her former life.

Driving by their old office building and driving within 1/2 mile of his house are becoming things that have no bearing on my emotion, as predicted by many people here.

Im not upheaving my life. That would lend to much credence and give too much attention to something she would just as soon never mention again.

And, more important to me is that I find myself turning corners away from the anger and anxiety that dominated my life for last 11 months, also predicted by many.

So, nope, moving is not, nor has been, anything we ever considered at any length.

Spoke to the one long term friend who I still speak about being bummed about my decision to stop speaking, even occasionally, with this group of buddies. He himself a wayward spouse 3 years out from dday and struggling with his recovery. His wife is not following any MB strategy.

Anyway, he suggested I text some of these friends a happy holiday message and something to the effect of 'lets talk soon, ill call you'.

If anyone brings up anything A-like, simply respond we are working on our marriage and move on.

Slowly reintroduce myself to them. Sounds good.

Sounds like a good plan. Go into it knowing that a) at least one moron will say something inappropriate, b) your reaction is YOUR reaction, and c) his stupidity would not be your wife's CURRENT responsibility.

I have found that most people aren't going to say a whole lot. In fact, most are so caught up in their own problems that they don't have time to worry about anyone else's.

True friends want to support you - no matter what. I think they judge us/our situations much more graciously than we give them credit for at times.

I don't know if I shared this or not, but after the A discovery and my H moving out, my oldest son got up in front of the entire youth group at church and shared what was going on. At first I was a bit taken back by this but you know what? It was his story to tell too: he was suffering and needed his friends. I cannot tell you how proud I am of a group of high school kids; they REALLY came through for him in a big way. Between his close friends and youth leaders, he had a ton of support.

Of course, one of my first thoughts was, "All these kids are going to tell their parents and it is going to spread like wildfire - all over our community!" Honestly - I don't know whether it did or didn't. I shared with my closest friends what was going on and other than that, no one said a word to me about it. No one has said a word to H about it since reconciling either. We get no funny stares or whispering...

I wonder at times when someone who is especially nice to me that I haven't seen in a while is being so because they heard and empathize. I also wonder if people actually believe it or not - because H did move back home in just 6 weeks. Perhaps they think their kid "got it wrong" - who knows!

There's also the possibility that a lot of kids never said a word to their parents. I was surprised when I mentioned it to one of my son's good friend's mother - knowing he knew - and she hadn't heard.

The bottom line is, your friends are supposed to be there for you in times (and after times) of crisis. Sometimes that is by lending an ear or other forms of support. Other times, it's by treating you the same, no matter what.

It sounds to me - and I could be wrong - that you are either worried that your friends no longer respect you (or your wife) or you are ashamed of what happened. You know how the saying goes...He who is without sin cast the first stone. That's the way I see it. Either they will be the kind of friends you need or not - but it (to me) is worth giving them the shot!

My mom used to say and has said to us a few more times since dday, that if you sat 10 people around the table and each spilled out their personal troubles, you gladly take yours.

In truth, I worry little about my wife looking bad or having lost the respect of my friends. Her attitude since being outed is one of 'I effed up, I know it, my kids know it, my husband knows, I dont care who else knows, but I will hold my head up in any group of people because I know I will do everything right for my family from for the rest of my life. To stay in that situation like I did represents about as low of self respect as person can have. Others respecting me is a bonus at this point, I have to build my own self respect.' This is from a letter she wrote me over the summer.

But, you are right, I am ashamed of what she did. Moreso because it makes me look like a moron, if you know some of the facts of the case. It makes me look like half a man. Yes, I can convince myself of her reasons were NOT sexual. But, if the reasons are monetary that adds to the shame of it all too.

Im ashamed of being so stupid and not catching on, but thats old news.

Her efforts to make things right with us are above and beyond what anyone could want. And that has helped with the shame.

I can convince myself of her reasons were NOT sexual. But, if the reasons are monetary that adds to the shame of it all too.

Dude, at this long remove from d-day, with all that you (and especially SHE) have accomplished since, I'm going to submit that the reasons for the affair cannot now hold much importance.

This traditionally has been the kind of...contemplation...that initiates the toilet-spiral that ends up here with you reporting yet another instance of resentment/AO/LB behavior. In effect, your thoughts act as a trigger to your own destructive emotions.

STOP IT NOW!

I notice you took the "trigger handling" mantra off your prologue. Put it back on, friend.

A lot of BS's deal with shame or insecurity: why wasn't I good enough thoughts. Just keep in mind that it was not about you!

And yes, you're right - you DO have to build your own self-respect and your wife is there to help with that as well - to be your support system. I keep reiterating in my own situation that it was a great thing that I decided to go back to finish my degree when all of this started. It helped me keep my brain engaged in other things while H was wayward; it forced me to be out and about with other people; most importantly, it helped me gain some much needed self-respect back. With that self-respect I also earned respect from both H and my kids.

Since I'm now very date oriented, im doing my schedule for work and i see a trigger date 4/29, their last confirmed hookup. And of course the yr 1 mark after dday.

I have some mixed up emotions and i know the right solution to keep the plan going and keep up with all things that are good. But i am conflicted.

There are still too many images that i see all the time but cannot talk about. I know she hurts but...

Im tryin to make the next 4 weeks livable. I sense a higher level of anxiety than i have had lately.

What are you conflicted about - bringing these things up with her, how to handle it, or just your emotions are conflicted?

It's perfectly normal to have this stress with the anti-versary. I remember how awful I felt at the one year mark.

Your job is going to be to A: let her know what you need, but without committing LBers in doing so and B: amping up the work on the marriage. Now is not the time to slack off but to work even harder to keep the negativity at bay.

This is a perfect place to discuss how to do that.

It takes self-control to be able to not lovebust during this time. Remember, no talk of the A or any reference to OM - but you most certainly can tell your wife that the next month is probably going to be full of emotions for you and to let her know how best to handle that. Everyone's different in that regard. Sometimes I needed him to call or text me more during the day or a lot of physical touch time - whether just holding my hand or hugs...and sometimes I just wanted help around the house so I wasn't overwhelmed with both emotions and stuff that had to get done.

No need to tell WW about this antiversary dates.

Vent here.

Plan to do some special UA outtings to give these dates new meanings.