I'm not sure what to think. I kind of like the idea but I don't want him to resent me down the road. I guess if he changes his mind we can always get another car. I went by his office this morning and the model is gone. I sort of thought getting what I believed I wanted would feel better, but I'm a little sad.

Which is exactly what I tried to convey in my "Don't sell the car; deal with the anger" note a few days ago.

Look, you related in your earlier notes that YOU enjoyed the car as well - that your "date-nights" in it were something special, drawing both of you together. That does not have to change.

Your XWH made a huge series of errors in his defense of your marriage, letting OW into the "affection zone" that should be reserved for the two of you. You either accept the fact that he was imperfect, work together to repair the faults, and move forward, or you don't. It DOES require work on the part of both parties, and there are definite steps that have to be taken.

It seems you tried to take a "short-cut" to the next stages of recovery by demonizing (totemizing?) the car, symbolically purging your marriage of the pains afflicting it, assigning them to the car, and jettisoning them by disposing of the vehicle. As I said, it's not likely to work, and quite possible WILL engender the resentment on his part that I suggested earlier and you've suspected now.

Courage has been defined as grace under pressure. Try to find the courage to address your lingering issues with XBH directly.

soooooooo, did we sell the car yet?

for my friends here at MB - I used the "how many marriages have YOU saved?" line over the weekend....on my own Mother, lol.

I was explaining a Harley concept to her and she contradicted it. I couldn't help myself.

It was all in fun but the point was made.
Anyway - SC, hope all is well and you and your husband are finding common, loving ground about your recent experiences.

opt

The car is up for sale. We've done some shopping but he hasn't found anything he loves yet. Things between us are much better and last night he surprised me with the news that he's taking me to Maui in a couple of weeks! We've been talking about going but I didn't think we could fit it into the schedule.

The last few months have been tough but our commitment to get through it with God's help (and some input from Marriage Builders) will be blessed. I truly love him and I know he loves me.

This thread is starting to worry me because FWH pulled into the garage last night in a shiny new sporty convertible to test drive over night.

SC I am going to re-read the good advice that you were given.
I am glad that your stupid car is up for sale. That says a lot that he is willing to give it up.

The car was sold in early September. My husband has been wonderful.

So why am I still struggling with this 7 months after the revelation? I feel like a fool that he was able to keep his indiscretion from me for so long. I look back at that time in our lives and now it's clouded by the fact that things weren't as they seemed. In hindsight, it has helped me understand some experiences from back then, but I never suspected! Because I missed it then I analyze every little thing now.

My husband has been remarkably patient and completely transparent, even going to a lot of trouble to make sure I have access to his job site on a secure military facility without me asking and telling a prospective new employer that he is only willing to travel as long as I can go with him. He's doing everything he can to help me feel safe and secure but I'm still insecure sometimes.

Is this a normal part of the process?

Yes. You are going through an anger phase following a betrayal. Ride it out, and get that UA time in!

When you have a particularly sharp downturn, do something extra fun or exciting with your husband. Or something relaxing and intimate, like a nice hot bath with bubbles and salts!

Are you absolutely sure that nothing other than a ride occurred? With any other woman?

Maybe you should schedule a polygraph.

Something just doesn't seem right here.

Recovery is quite a haul, SC. You're still in the earlier stages. Keep going - it gets better.

Your H sounds like he's on board with recovery. Are you snooping? How much UA time are the two of you getting each week?

I think you're okay, but make sure you're still doing some verifying to confirm that you're safe.

SC, just out of curiosity, did your marriage begin as an affair? Were you and/or your husband married when your relationship started? How did you meet?

ML, thanks for chiming in. I was hoping you would although after reading around here over the last several months I'm actually terrified of you!

I've never thought our marriage started as an affair, but maybe I'm wrong.

We met at work almost 30 years ago and became friends. I was married. He was not. At that time, I had no idea what an EA was. I remember hearing a song that said, "you came along one promise too late" and thinking it applied to us but didn't dwell on it.

My XH and I had a baby and I left that job. H got married and had a child. We babysat for each other sometimes but didn't spend much time together.

His marriage broke up after three years. I didn't even know they were having problems. A year later my marriage failed. We started spending time together, as friends, with our boys, and eventually started dating. We got married in 1991.

We've talked about the beginning of our friendship and realize that there was an attraction, although we never acknowledged it, or acted on it, until we were both single. Does our history make this an affairage? Is it somehow related to our current issues?

Thanks for your answer! No, what you describe is not an affair. Marriages that start as affairs are plagued with trust issues, for obvious reasons. It doesn't appear that is the case here.

How exactly are you "struggling?" Is it because you analyze every little thing now? I think that is probably a good idea. You will do this less often in the future, but MORE SO than you did before you found out about the car incident. Harley puts it like this:


and here is another good one:


In other words, you are safer now because you "recognize the threat."

Phew! My heart started pounding when I saw you had responded. You're always what I would refer to as "brutally honest" with people and I was afraid you would tell me we were doomed.

I do struggle with analyzing everything and look forward to it becoming less urgent as he continues to rebuild my trust, although I'll NEVER not pay close attention.

As I said above, he's been wonderful and very patient with my vigilance. I'm pretty sure he would wear a webcam on his head if I asked. We're working hard to meet each other's EN and spend lots of UA time together.

A difficult part is that this incident is relatively new information for me, but a long ago memory for him.

Thanks for the input.

I usually save that for folks who are sitting on the railroad tracks with a train headed towards them or fogged out waywards! You are neither!


You have exactly the right idea!

Celebrated our 21st anniversary this weekend. Hoping the coming year has a little less drama.

We continue to work together on extraordinary precautions and firm boundaries and I have a question. We all have to deal with members of the opposite sex and are bound to come across someone we find attractive. When does it cross the line from attraction to an inappropriate relationship?

Personally, I tend to run the other direction when I sense any kind of attraction but sometimes that's not possible and you might have to interact.

Any advice? Want to be prepared with the proper tools so neither one of us gets too close to that awful slippery slope.

sc, Harley recommends telling your spouse when you find yourself attracted to a member of the opposite sex. This is done for a couple of reasons. The first is so your spouse can help hold you accountable and so you can brainstorm ways to avoid this person. You would want to do everything you can to avoid this person and certainly never have personal discussions with him/her.

Attractions usually evolve when someone allows a member of the opposite sex to meet his needs, so as long as he does not allow that to happen, an attraction is unlikely to occur. I would go read the newsletter on opposite sex friendships in the newsletter section. That is pretty comprehensive.

Here's the situation that made me uncomfortable:

There is a young woman at our church.� She�s been in college on the mainland most of the time we�ve been attending so up until she graduated this summer she�s only been around during school breaks.� She�s an attractive girl, has performed hula (which can be quite seductive) several times at church and wears very little in the way of clothing most of the time � strapless tops and short, short shorts.� We do not know her or her family and I�ve never had a conversation with her, except maybe hello or thank you for your dance in passing.� I could tell DH finds her attractive and he acknowledges it.� He has engaged her in casual conversation a couple of times without me present and told me about it.� I tried to not be bothered by it.
�
We were out to eat a couple of weeks ago and saw this girl's picture on a poster about a local Cultural Event.� Sunday before last, when I was already inside and DH was outside talking to a friend he saw the girl as she arrived and told her we�d seen her picture and asked about it.� They talked about it and he told me later.� It bugged me but I didn�t say anything until later when I said I thought he needed to be careful around her.
�
We talked more about it after dinner the other night. While he admits he finds her attractive, he didn�t think he was doing anything wrong by being friendly to a 21-22 year old girl at church that he has no intention of communicating with outside that setting.
�
Whatever his motivation, I am uncomfortable and feel dishonored.� I feel that at the first HINT of an attraction DH should RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION!!! He listened very calmly to what I said, was sorry he had upset me and said it helps him understand that he needs to step up his boundaries even more.

Am I just a jealous, insecure crazy woman?

Great!! That is excellent that he listened to your concerns and changed his behavior.


You MUST listen to the radio show that ran today. They cover this very subject! People are "insecure" and "jealous" for a good reason. Jealousy is a reaction to a threat in marriage and people are "insecure" when they are being threatened. For example, I feel very insecure when riding in the car with a drunk driver. It doesn't mean I need counseling, it means I should avoid that risk. It doesn't mean you need counseling either, just that your H needs to stop engaging in risky behavior.

I listened to it while I ate my lunch. Perfect timing!

DH was very respectful of my feelings and I need to acknowledge that. I simply wish his boundaries were a little stronger so that the second he sensed an attraction he would have avoided contact with this person. I also wish the women around here wore more clothes!!!

'

You nailed it! That is where I would focus all of your attention. He needs to have better boundaries around women period. He shouldn't be having personal conversations with them when you are not there.

I agree with you...when you are married, the more you are attracted to someone outside of the marriage the more you should avoid them! Over and over we have seen here that talking to someone you are attracted to leads to "let's work on a project together for the church" (It's okay! It's Church!!) which leads to "could you help me with something with my car/house" which leads to "give me a guy's perspective about my problem with my boyfriend" which leads to "you are such a good listener" which leads to "you are so smart/good at fixing things up/fun to be with/mature" which leads to "Hey, my wife never tells me those things anymore" which leads to....