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Remind me during my next road-race to wear sweat-pants! I'd hate to be a temptation to any dames d'un certain �ge, and impediments to their marital situations!  And if the suspicions are unfounded, but the unjustified prohibitions are nevertheless compelled/mandated, sacrifice would most certainly be the definition of the resulting coerced acquiescence. You'll notice, NG, that I am steering away from the original description of the 'person of interest'. Because it really doesn't matter what the person of interest looks like, or acts like, or does for a living, etc. The point is that SC is concerned, her H has expressed that he finds the woman attractive. That's really all that needs to be addressed. By the way, someone might consider you 'hot' in your sweatpants. It's all about the other person's perception of you. You don't control that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Telling a spouse they have "no reason" to be unhappy is a DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENT.
It is certainly LESS a disrespectful judgment than telling HIM, for example, "I don't want you talking to that good-looking woman (because I do not trust your ability to resist the urge to peek under those short-shorts)!"
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse
I wonder if SC had the enthusiastic agreement of her spouse in unilaterally deciding to whom he could and could not speak!
Over and over we come back to the same issue here:
Everything in a marriage is a balance, kids, and there are no absolutes. One spouse's perceived DJ is (flipped) the other's need to feel comfortable. One's insistence on POJA is another's resentment of stagnation and inaction.
Whatever marriage is, was meant to be, or could actually be, what it is NOT is an indentured servitude to control by the first one to complain and gave vent to fears of (potential) damage to the union.
A man should not feel it is a 'sacrifice' to avoid any woman who is not his wife, for any reason.
Did you really type that? Seriously? Regardless of how inane, unjustified, neurotic, or misguided the "order" may be, the MAN should mindlessly follow the dictates of the woman? Wow! No, not for THIS correspondent!
(And now I must stop, because my least favorite "trailer" is poised to respond and once again accuse me of being a "wayward", without having her slur "zapped".)
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[
Everything in a marriage is a balance, kids, and there are no absolutes. One spouse's perceived DJ is (flipped) the other's need to feel comfortable. One's insistence on POJA is another's resentment of stagnation and inaction. That's a nice personal philosophy but it is NOT Marriage Builders advice. Telling a spouse she is jealous and insecure is a DJ. How much reading have you done on the policy of joint agreement? Which books do you have? A man should not feel it is a 'sacrifice' to avoid any woman who is not his wife, for any reason.
Did you really type that? Seriously? Regardless of how inane, unjustified, neurotic, or misguided the "order" may be, the MAN should mindlessly follow the dictates of the woman? Wow! No, not for THIS correspondent! So you are saying that if your wife told you it made her uncomfortable when you did something you would only stop doing it if you felt it was reasonable? Why would you purposely torment your wife? What could possibly be important enough for you to torment the spouse you allegedly love? that strategy pretty much ensures your wife will fall out of love with you if you practice it enough. Is that what you want? Harley covers the subject of a "jealous spouse" in these clips: go to 9:55 http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3666and continue here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3667Whatever marriage is, was meant to be, or could actually be, what it is NOT is an indentured servitude to control by the first one to complain and gave vent to fears of (potential) damage to the union. We are ALL free agents and are free to annoy our spouse and make them unhappy. We are also free to do our best to make them happy. Since I want to have a happy marriage, I am FREE to eliminate behavior that makes my spouse unhappy. Since I want to have a great marriage and I want my spouse to be happy, I am FREE to stop doing things that upset my husband. THAT is the key to having a happy, romantic marriage. A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity to change in a GOOD MARRIAGE. In a MB marriage, it is an opportunity to change. It is a CHOICE of free will to have a good marriage or a bad marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Neverguessed, do you have the book, Lovebusters? That is where I would start if I were you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Telling a spouse they have "no reason" to be unhappy is a DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENT.
It is certainly LESS a disrespectful judgment than telling HIM, for example, "I don't want you talking to that good-looking woman (because I do not trust your ability to resist the urge to peek under those short-shorts)!" But she didn't say that. You are dangerously close to re-writing the incident to bolster your argument. One's insistence on POJA is another's resentment of stagnation and inaction. Not when POJA is followed by both parties and they come to a satisfactory agreement together. There is no reason for resentment when POJA is properly addressed by both parties. You are confusing a situation where one party grudgingly 'gives up' something to make the other party happy. If her H is upset at 'giving up' this interaction between himself and the youngster, I'd sense there was a deeper interest than he was admitting. A man should not feel it is a 'sacrifice' to avoid any woman who is not his wife, for any reason. Yep, I said it and I'll say it again  : And that road travels two ways. There is NO man so important in my life that I would cause my husband unhappiness by refusing to end interaction with him. Now, before you rile yourself up into arguing a situation that doesn't exist: don't make the mistake of immediately assuming that I have a Master List of women my husband isn't 'allowed' to talk to. Incorrect, mon frere. We both have high boundaries and are very aware of EPs, so the issue of staying away from certain people is not an issue for us. If it was, again, yes. I'd eliminate that male from my life. And we'd need to re-examine any areas of my conduct to determine whether my boundaries need attention. Mr. Bliss operates the same way. We have POJA'd that. Did you really type that? Seriously? Regardless of how inane, unjustified, neurotic, or misguided the "order" may be, the MAN should mindlessly follow the dictates of the woman? Please direct me to any part of my post that bestows this protective measure to only the woman and not the man.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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A man should not feel it is a 'sacrifice' to avoid any woman who is not his wife, for any reason.
----Did you really type that? Seriously? Regardless of how inane, unjustified, neurotic, or misguided the "order" may be, the MAN should mindlessly follow the dictates of the woman? Wow! No, not for THIS correspondent! My GF is none of the above and I don't mindlessly follow anything, nor would she dictate me to do so. We practice openness and honesty with each other (I already know what happens to a marriage without it). If I was to have a conversation with a woman 20 years her junior, she would have every opportunity to ask me about it. One question would lead to another. Ultimately, we would come to the basic fact: I was seeking a pleasurable interaction with another woman. That would hurt her feelings. I don't want to hurt her feelings, it's not worth whatever momentary thrill I might get from it. -The opposite is also true when she knows that she is the only woman I'm interested in. The benefits of that are....worth it. opt
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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*****************EDIT***************
Last edited by MBsurvivor; 03/10/12 03:41 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread with personal philosophies
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A reminder that the purpose of this forum is to help posters understand and implement Marriage Builders principles. It is not to promote personal philsophies and disrupt threads. Please familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders materials before posting to those in need. If you do not understand the concepts, kindly refrain from posting until you do!
mbsurvivor11@gmail.com
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Last year, I wrote to Dr Harley on the private forum about interactions between my STBX and a female that were seemingly benign (happened right in front of me and didn't overtly break any EPs) but made me uncomfortable. We went back and forth a little but this part I think is applicable to what is being discussed on this thread. Do you also have any specific tips that my H should keep in mind when interacting with women? Should he keep the joking and casual conversation to a minimum? He said he has trouble understanding where the "line" is... SusieQ:
We recommend general precautions, such as to avoid having a close female friend, avoid discussing personal issues with another woman, avoid business trips and recreational activities with another woman, etc. But we also look at the conditions that made the affair possible. Whatever your husband was doing that increased the chances of an affair should be eliminated, such as flirting. As to the specifics of what exactly he is to avoid doing, your judgment should be sufficient. Besides, the Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that anything he does around other women that makes you feel uncomfortable should be avoided, even if it seems as if you are being overly sensitive. Quite frankly, you have good reason to be sensitive, and whatever your husband does to relieve your anxiety should be the least he can do.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
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