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Thank God somebody said it (nice job, TheRoad!).
ShesCrazy....look, you are going to need to get this very quickly if you have ANY chance of saving your marriage and family. Ready?
First, your responses the last two days are NOT MB responses and actually HELP her do what she is doing. How?
You talk to her about how you are not moving on YET but you are working on it. Or something like that. Why would you say things like this? To her its "Okay, he isnt quite where I am...but he is getting there. So, eventually, he'll be where I am at, we can end this nice and clean and we'll be the best of friends as we raise our children."
Bllleeeeecccchhh!!!
You keep giving her the impression that you are going to assist her in this...and you might as well file tomorrow.
Dude, you are going to need to get a grasp on this fast.
TheRoad stated it well. "Honey, I am not getting a divorce. I am not filing. I am here taking care of our family...all of it (which includes you). I will do whatever it takes to protect this family, even from your actions. You of course are free to seek divorce anytime you wish. But understand we will not be friends in divorce. As a matter of fact, we will not even talk in divorce. Once divorced, we will never talk again. Your expectations are very skewed. The family does not want what you are doing and where you are taking us. None of us...me, our kids, want this. So, we will continue to function as a family and awat your return."
And then, you go out, you get your attorney to do what he can to keep your kids away from the OP. In Virginia, having the paramour around the kids is a HUGE no-no. I dont know what state you are in, but you need your attorney to do what he needs to.
I won in court twice against my wife...and we still recovered. But that is because I defended my family. I put my foot down and said "you may destroy yourself, but you will not destroy the rest of us." And I kept the family together and functioning until she was able to have her cranial-rectal extraction.
You are in a dangerous time right now. Getting this right is paramount. thank me? mortarman, you said it so much better, so thank you.
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The Road put itall in perfect perspective today! I thank you for that! MortorMan you have given great advise also and thank you!
Normally I am a "Rock" nothing phases me. This decision of hers hit me like a BOMB! I was working 7 days a week at the time with 4 different crews of union labor plus keeping a night shift in schedule. It's tough running 45-50 guys. I have to do my job, I can't support my family without it. I never got to grasp what was going on in my life until the last few days when the rush was over.
Now I think I'm finally back to ME! Happy and joking around my kids! It has taken me awhile but I'm back! I'm ready to fight and win! I'm going to hold these kids tight and keep them happy!
I'm not sure what's going to happen Friday at the lawyer but I'm going to do whatever he says is best! I'm going to embrace the hell I will receive from my actions! I'm not buying a var, I've never hit my wife and not starting now. She can't make stuff like that stick. I'm dealing with facts his family is a 100% mess and I don't want my kids around him! She moved out and totally rocked this family, I plan on getting it back to better then before! If I can't have better then it was I don't want it!
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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I live in Kansas and I searched paramour a bunch today and nothing great came up in the search. The lawyer I have is awesome and family. Most in this area want him in times like this! I have the money to get nasty with a lawyer and drag this out as long as need be! She don't!
She will know if she wants divorce now everything is mine kids, my retirement, 401k, house, boat, jet skis, camper, atv's. What she already took is what she can have!
She started a WAR she can't win!
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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shescrazy--
You would be surprised at what a WW can get away with. She CAN'T make it stick but she can ruin things for a short period. Please buy a VAR, for your own good.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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shescrazy--
You would be surprised at what a WW can get away with. She CAN'T make it stick but she can ruin things for a short period. Please buy a VAR, for your own good. If she does that crap she can have her divorce now! On my terms and she gets nothing! I was raised in this town everyone knows me and my family! Everyone knows we are good people! She is the outsider and realizes that now that she has zero friends!
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 3,686
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That doesn't mean she WON'T try something. You really have to be on your guard.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I got a nasty phone call already this morning. Wife is coming to my house everyday and getting my 4 year old. My 13 year old boy was rude to her. So I got a butt chewing call.
I've told my boy he needs to do what his heart tells him, not what he thinks I want. He won't have anything to do with her right now!
My wife went through this same thing with her dad when she was a kid. She still hates her dad.
My responses to my wife were you still hate your dad and haven't spoke in years. Maybe our son feels the same. I told her that was the consequences b
Of what she has done, not me. I said you moved out and caused this now your paying. I also said someday our daughter will be old enough to figure out what you've done and probably get a hatred for you also. I told her before she blames me for everything she needs to realize the hell she caused not any of us.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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shescrazy--
You would be surprised at what a WW can get away with. She CAN'T make it stick but she can ruin things for a short period. Please buy a VAR, for your own good. Very true. shescrazy--
You would be surprised at what a WW can get away with. She CAN'T make it stick but she can ruin things for a short period. Please buy a VAR, for your own good. If she does that crap she can have her divorce now! On my terms and she gets nothing! I was raised in this town everyone knows me and my family! Everyone knows we are good people! She is the outsider and realizes that now that she has zero friends! It don't matter where you grew up down or side ways. All you need is a judge that is more concerned with being pro wife then with being pro right. I say, this boy, I say, this boy must be too short, I say, everything posted here goes right over this boy's head, I say that is. (in my best foghorn leghorn accent).
Last edited by TheRoad; 03/07/12 08:24 AM.
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15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
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I got a nasty phone call already this morning. Wife is coming to my house everyday and getting my 4 year old. My 13 year old boy was rude to her. So I got a butt chewing call.
I've told my boy he needs to do what his heart tells him, not what he thinks I want. He won't have anything to do with her right now!
My wife went through this same thing with her dad when she was a kid. She still hates her dad.
My responses to my wife were you still hate your dad and haven't spoke in years. Maybe our son feels the same. I told her that was the consequences b
Of what she has done, not me. I said you moved out and caused this now your paying. I also said someday our daughter will be old enough to figure out what you've done and probably get a hatred for you also. I told her before she blames me for everything she needs to realize the hell she caused not any of us. I recommend not teaching your son to "follow his heart" because that is part of the lowering the boundaries that leads to affairs. I would simply say to your son, "Son it is okay not to speak to mommy. It is not disrespectful or rude to simply say to her ... I will only speak to you when you leave the OM for life. If you feel angry and want to yell or lash out then take your pillow and bang it against the door frame. Then return to the conversation and simply state your position on why you will not speak to your mother."
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My responses to my wife were you still hate your dad and haven't spoke in years. Maybe our son feels the same. I told her that was the consequences b
Of what she has done, not me. I said you moved out and caused this now your paying. I also said someday our daughter will be old enough to figure out what you've done and probably get a hatred for you also. I told her before she blames me for everything she needs to realize the hell she caused not any of us. The above is not PLAN A ... When you get nasty phone calls ... simply state ... "I apologize our son is upset. I am doing all I can to comfort him ... would you like to come over to dinner? Off to the gym now ... Have a great day WW!!!"
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She keeps accusing me of brain washing him into hating her. He is old enough he knows whats going on.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Stop engaging in these conversations. That is easy enough, right? Can you do that ONE thing? I guarantee you, if you stop engaging in them, they won't bother you anymore. Wanna know how I know that? Because they wil no longer happen, that's why! Knockit OFF.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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The above is not PLAN A ...
When you get nasty phone calls ... simply state ... "I apologize our son is upset. I am doing all I can to comfort him ... would you like to come over to dinner? Off to the gym now ... Have a great day WW!!!" I have so much to learn!! Thank you! I will get this! I was reading the spying section. Someone mentioned using their phone. I've been testing out the recorder on my iPhone. It is super sensitive and very clear. I have it set up for quick activation now. She will never suspect anything with me having my phone out. Also very easy to send conversation to computer.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 127
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Would having a family meeting be a good idea? That way all of us could talk and get things in the open. I could inform her I will not get divorced! It will be hell if she files. Let my oldest talk and inform her it's either him or the OM.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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No - Plan A Plan A Plan A Plan A Plan A
DO NOT BRING UP THE DIVORCE
DO NOT BRING UP THE TROUBLES WITH YOUR SON
Your only job at this moment is to kill her with kindness, be the husband she fell in love with, and have no lovebusters.
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Ok I won't do it!
I was just thinking that since her affair has gotten more involved and he is spending nights at her house, maybe it would make her think about loosing her son, family, friends, lifestyle.
Me going to a lawyer is going to be a huge nasty lovebuster! Especially if the lawyer can keep OM away from my kids.
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 5,437
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What LB would that fall under?
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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It's going to make her furious and hate me more and drive her further away!
15th anniversary on 1-18-12
D-Day 1-29-12
She moved out 2-10-12
No divorce filed yet!
She has asked for divorce several times! Normally when she's mad!
3 kids 13b, 11g, 4b
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Posts: 594
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You still are not listening.
She could not be any farther away than she is now.
What you had or thought you had is over, gone forever.
All you can do now is make something new.
Get used to it, embrace it.
All you control is what you do. You do not control her in any way. Any attempt to manipulate her by meetings, guilt etc. will meet with ever more anger.
She is gone, she will only come back if she wants to. All you can do is make the affair difficult to continue.
Why would it make her furious, it is what she wants right?
I know, it doesn't make sense. But you taking control of your life and having a contingency without her, protect you and your kids, may wake her up.
Like you have been told before, there are no guarantees. All you can do is work on yourself and live the way you should. The rest is up to her.
I think it is a common trap BS's fall into, thinking since they finally come across a plan that is well laid out and proven then the result they want is assured. There is more than one path events can take, but we only see one.
All you can do is walk the path for you and make it easier and desirable for her to join you. If she does or not, that is nothing you can control.
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