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What you should do is chat with a friend or family member online, or on the phone. Surely someone will be there. That, or redecorate something, or--get a dog or cat.  A pet would surely keep you busy, and would be perfectly loving. You could also watch a good movie.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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thanks karma. i have spent some time at the garden shop, as i have an area i want to work on should the weather give me a chance. we are going into winter here.
i have a 19 hour time difference w/friends/family, so it does make personal contact tough, but my sister is set to skype me later today, after her 12 hour day at the tax accountants 5 days before tax dday, the darling thing.
i have 2 cats, though i am sure that H will insist on taking one. i'm ok w/that and will just get another to keep the baby happy while i'm at work. i also have a horse, but the weather has been so wet i can't ride on the farm or the river :O(
i'm on a 2 week term break right now, which is both a blessing and a curse. blessing, because i have time to do the stuff that needs doing, curse, because i have a lot of time on my hands. the weather turns crap again tomorrow, so i may go in to work to, well, work!
i'm open to movie suggestions. while we get things much later than y'all, i may find something worth watching at the shop. how i miss netflix! i love movies, and can watch 2-3 at a go, so feel free to make suggestions! i especially like thrillers/dramas, but can stand a romantic comedy now and again. i also like horror :O) the only thing i can't stand is slapstick, but i am open to watching something teen boys will enjoy (for my work - we teach film). we don't get much movie advertising down here in nowheresville, and not much gets to our local, except blockbuster types, so there could be some really good films out i've never heard of.
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What you can expect from the first few days of Plan B is extreme pain due to the withdrawals you will get from not being with your WH.
Also, your WH will most likely try to break NC with you so you need to ensure that EVERY avenue is blocked.
Have you changed your phone numbers and email addresses?
And your Lawyer is going to be your IM? Does he/she know what is expected of them? They are not simply to pass messages through, they are supposed to filter out any emotional stuff. And how expensive is that going to be?
I would suggest that you stay away from any movies that have anything to do with adultery. You will see it come up in places that you didn't expect, and it will hurt for a while.
In the first little while of Plan B, your only focus is to stay NC with your WH. DO NOT CALL HIM. DO NOT TEXT HIM. DO NOT LOOK AT A PICTURE OF HIM. DO NOT CREEP HIM ON FB. DO NOT SNOOP.
DO congratulate yourself for not doing any of those above things every night. And every morning, tell yourself that you will NOT contact your WH.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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well, it doesn't appear that NC will be a problem. he's made no attempt of any kind to contact me.
here's what's happened this afternoon. he DID surprise me by arriving home an hour earlier than expected. everything was all ready, so i got in the car and left. he did not attempt to come down the stairs to the house - he got the mail/paper, and was reading it in his car when i left. he didn't even look towards me.
i went to the gym, then the doctor, thank goodness, since i'm going to need those ADs. when i got back, the things i left on the porch were gone. there was nothing from him. he has not called, texted, emailed, nothing.
perhaps he has always just been wanting me to pull the plug so he could leave with a clear consience. "she wanted me out, so i left." i am so incredibly sad.
my sister skyped w/me for an hour, which was lovely, and my dd called to see how i was. other than that, it's been quiet as a tomb around here.
i don't use fb, and can control myself (at least today) from snooping. but good suggestion - i've now put away our wedding pictures/family photos so i don't have to see him.
if anything right now i'm angry. how dare he? how dare he leave a good wife who has done nothing but love him and try to work out this relationship? who does he think he is?
but i will try to let that pass, get through the night, and start tomorrow with a different list of things to do, keeping focused on MY needs, since somebody's got to meet them; it may as well be me. my dd will be down on thursday, so i have something to look forward to. my mom's offered to fly out here, but as sweet as that is, we've never been able to be in the same room for too long!
am going to try to eat. have discovered the "joy" of the infidelity diet. bah.
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What you can expect from the first few days of Plan B is extreme pain due to the withdrawals you will get from not being with your WH.
Also, your WH will most likely try to break NC with you so you need to ensure that EVERY avenue is blocked.
Have you changed your phone numbers and email addresses?
And your Lawyer is going to be your IM? Does he/she know what is expected of them? They are not simply to pass messages through, they are supposed to filter out any emotional stuff. And how expensive is that going to be?
I would suggest that you stay away from any movies that have anything to do with adultery. You will see it come up in places that you didn't expect, and it will hurt for a while.
In the first little while of Plan B, your only focus is to stay NC with your WH. DO NOT CALL HIM. DO NOT TEXT HIM. DO NOT LOOK AT A PICTURE OF HIM. DO NOT CREEP HIM ON FB. DO NOT SNOOP.
DO congratulate yourself for not doing any of those above things every night. And every morning, tell yourself that you will NOT contact your WH. scotty, i'm so glad you posted; i've been thinking about your post since i read it and realized i'm going about this wrong. the purpose of plan b is not to sit around hoping your other half gets their poop together, realises their mistakes, and comes running back to tell you they'll do anything if you'll take them back. (as much as i'd like this.) the purpose of plan b is to sort my stuff out, and learn to live without him. a part of me is sorry i started this process - is that normal? i know that i've done everything i could, and that staying with him right now would just bring me more pain and heartache. but as you know, 18 years is a long time to let go when you wanted forever. i need to regroup. i think my work friend will be willing to be the IM, and if not, i have someone else in mind. the lawyer can tell him when he goes in for his appt (separate from me). my lawyer is the only professional person who has been sympathetic to my cause (and didn't express outright disgust at MB, as everyone else here has). the mind set here is so different, so laize faire (did i spell that right?). i had to be pushy just to get the separation order filed. when i ponied up to the window with the paperwork, i got a frown, called into a private room, and told "we hardly ever see those. why bother? just wait two years and file for the judgement, no paperwork necessary." i explained, patiently, that *i* needed it. and i do. i need to draw a line where my pushing the cart uphill ends and his resonsibility for where our marriage is gets placed firmly on his shoulders. it is going to be very hard to close all avenues of contact, but i see now what you mean must be done. i'm not closing off the marriage, just the opportunity for him to fill my head with empty promises, to save myself further heartache. but i have one (sadly hopeful) question: if he does realise that he's a moron, spends the time with SH and wants to come to me with 100% commitment to a recovery plan, he has to send it through the IM, right? does she need to confirm said plan before telling me about it? or does she just tell me he is ready to commmit, has a plan, and set up the meeting? how will i know it is serious and not ploy? i feel like such a rube writing that last paragraph. i shouldn't even think about it right now, should i? the last gasp of a hopeful breath for something that isn't horribly likely to happen.
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a part of me is sorry i started this process - is that normal? ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY NORMAL. Look at you, having normal thoughts and feelings. but i have one (sadly hopeful) question: if he does realise that he's a moron, spends the time with SH and wants to come to me with 100% commitment to a recovery plan, he has to send it through the IM, right? does she need to confirm said plan before telling me about it? or does she just tell me he is ready to commmit, has a plan, and set up the meeting? how will i know it is serious and not ploy? Your IM would give your WH a list of requirements, one of which I would hope would be that he contact SH, and have SH inform you if he is serious. From what I have heard, Steve is very good at knowing if a WS is ready to attempt recovery.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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(((((((((((((((((LETTY))))))))))))))))))))))
I truly am sorry for the current developments. You've done the right thing in the best possible way you could do it. Know that - and feel secure in the fact that if your marriage is to be saved, it may not feel like it, but this IS the way. No matter what - it is absolutely the only way to save yourself.
When I *made* my husband leave the house I was just like you: certain that he had just been unwilling to go previously because he was waiting for it to be on me. The days after he left were hard. I know how you feel. You WILL make it through!
I would say this: try your best to educate your daughter so she does not enable your WS. My kids were very instrumental in holding my H accountable for his actions. He truly thought they'd be sympathetic to his cause. They weren't. My youngest son even told him to straighten up or stay out of his life, basically. (NOT prompted by me - and boy - it had a great impact!)
Your WH needs a reality check. It's obvious he's been cake-eating.
Who all did you expose the affair to?
In my case, I was pretty certain at first that it had not become physical since the Skank lived out of town, but it had. (He'd lied about 2 business trips - weren't business at all.) I exposed to OWH's family within days after finding out and asking H to leave. Like your H, he would not commit to the marriage even though he claimed OW had "nothing to do with us" and wasn't the problem.
You've got your act together and you have a great plan! Let us know how we can help you stick to it.
As for movies - look for things that will empower you: strong women roles, fighting against bad guys, stuff like that. I'll try and think of some examples but I can't at the moment.
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thank you, ladies. it's uplifting to get encouraging words in the morning!
a negative detail today: lawyer is on holiday until next week! eek! i am waiting for a call from his partner, who doesn't have all the background :O(
i have had two of H's friends/people he works for ring here saying they can't reach him on his mobile. i have told both i cannot pass on any message to H, and how much i want him to commit to the marriage and come home. just that simply, as i know men don't want to hear a lot of talk!
this morning i have been tidying. do you remember that scene in moonstruck where olympia dukakis has dinner with the professor? just before, he is having drinks with a woman half his age, who tosses her drink in his face and leaves. he calls the waiter over and commands that he remove "any trace of her" from his table.
that is what i am doing today. it's funny how little things kick you in the gut. his soap in the shower. his towel on the rail. his photography gear in the lounge. his fave drink in the fridge. whelp, it's all gone/going. (scottie, the first thing i did last night was put away all the photos, even my fave from when we first met, where i am young and beautiful, hahahaha.) i'm sure i'll be tripping over things for a while (the soap was a toughie), but i'm putting them all away. so there!
more good news: my closest friend here is willing to be my IM. we talked through it last night, and are going to do some role playing today. because we have no children at home, there is really nothing to have to talk about, so her job will be easier than or some. i mean, really, other than "i'm ready to commit" or "let's just end it" what else is there to say? i will not, WILL NOT, let him fill my head with attractive lies. you know the usual suspects: i'm sorry, i love you, it'll never happen again, blah blah blah.
exposure. this is a tough one for me, for 2 reasons. SH never mentioned it to me as part of my strategy. the actual affair was nearly 6 years ago now. the lying now...well...?? i have told my family, my two best USA gf's, my two friends here, our doctor, and our lawyer. excluding the two phone calls, which weren't detailed. should i inform his friends? i'm afraid that the culture here is very much a hands off one. as i've mentioned before, i have not been greeted warmly under the best of conditions. i can't imagine what it will be like with the worst.
btw, am pleased to tell you that my best gf here, my new IM, was very chuffed with the idea of MB! the first person! says it sounds incredibly practical, and is going to try to get her sister onto it. her sister lives abroad, and her H has been visiting brothels for kinky s-e-x on a regular basis. she's not willing to leave him, at least not yet. maybe MB will be able to help yet another! i only wish my UK friend had come here.
ok, i'm dumping my list of things to do today and going to visit my friend. will check back later, probably after having many changes of heart!
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Argh! This is dreadful! For those who have had plan b work, how long does it take?
Don't worry, I'm still hanging there, and while I may think I've done the wrong thing, i know I've done the right thing, but it sucks!
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Letty - I just posted this to Starfish - it's several years old now and is the first post in the link in my signature - might help you focus your thoughts on what Plan B is really about - for you: I've been cooking on this thread for a few days. 2Much2Lose, Tully, Bestfriend, and many more of you are dealing with the same issue. A number of you have been called on the carpet by well-meaning folks here and in your family for stepping into the Plan B process. They don't understand the purpose of Plan B. I've been reading "As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen. Google this title and you can actually download the book free from asamanthinketh.net In particular, I love this quote for betrayed spouses: A person cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances." This is the greatest gift of Plan B. Before you removed yourself from the drama equation you were in what we call on the farm "a manure pit". Everywhere, the stench of cheating filled your nostrils - your thoughts and breath were consumed by getting the smell to stop! Well, that doesn't lead you to think of how to better yourself, your life, and it's difficult to think of anything but the past - back when the marriage didn't stink! Your wayward spouse accuses you of being the cause of the stinky marriage. But there's only one thing that causes this kind of stench - a wayward heart. And wayward hearts attract stenchy affair partners because they can't tell that they are the source of the stench. But here's the big truth.... It's not the wayward spouse who is your primary problem. .... ... .. . Yes - you read that right. It's yourself. The lacking of any sense of self-worth... by degrees. You believe their blame that you harmed the marriage and they were on their way out well before affair person came around... Yeah right. When it's their own SBDs (silent but deadlies) sabotaging the sanctity of their vows. If you are to become all that you were meant to be in a marriage, you must be whole, all by yourself. Plan B is a breath of fresh air. You can think of how to better your life a lot easier when it doesn't stink so bad your eyes water. However, a partial Plan B doesn't accomplish this. The most impressive moments in the lives of those who share their Plan B progress here – Mimi stands out when she put her dream house up for sale. Rinn stands out when she moved to the shelter. Charlotte when she hired Shiny. And most recently, Tully - yes - you - though you've been battered by your mother in law (a vicarious beating from your husband, actually) you took the Mimi approach and left the dream house. How would you respond to people if you absolutely knew that you were worth the fidelity requirement? How would you respond to your wayward trying to break down your Plan B? Mimi got to that point - she absolutely knew her worth and she would no longer tolerate life with a double-minded man. Her knowledge of her own value is the reason she is such an inspiration here. Rinn - you know what you thought of yourself before you left the marital home - you left, trusting in the words and knowledge of others, as well as that finality knowledge - you couldn't go on one more day under the threat of verbal, sexual, physical and emotional abuse. So Plan Bs in progress and Plan B Wanna-B-B-ers, listen up! Share on this thread who you are - ideal - without your WS defining you. And then read it every day like an affirmation. Remember who you are - sons and daughters of a heavenly father who loves you; find that perfection and let your thoughts lead you to live in the solution instead of the problem. Bob Proctor wrote a book I've had on my shelf for years. He says: You're either living in the problem or you're living in the solution. Plan B is the way to live in the solution. Let the wayward clean up the stench!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Thank you Kayla. I really needed that. As I tell me daughter, keep your eyes on the prize: you! Or, in this case, me. Despite all my heartache and worry, I am happy to see that I can stand on my own two feet. And if whose came to worst, I have a good job and can keep my house and not have to change my lifestyle, except to make it better for ME.
I also want to say something for the newly betrayed. Like you, I was scared of exposure. What if people turn me away. Tell me I'm a horrible wife? Say I don't deserve the marriage I want? That I was ridiculous?
After today's post by sunny asking me if I exposed, I took a great big giant breath and went to my husband's close friends. One right after the other. all my fears were for nought. Each one invited me into their home and talked with me at great length. All were supportive of our marriage (on MB terms).
Despite me fears (some of them I didn't know), I left with a lighter heart.
What ive learned today is that I have some true friends here. Women I considered only acquaintences have shown me they care about me. People I had never met (and their wives) have pledged their support. With or without my husband, I have a life here. I am no longer alone.
So, I have plans for the next several days. Stuff I have waited years for my husband to do is getting done - by me! I have tackled a scary bug, and unclogged my first drain. And I have slept through the night, something I could never do before if h wasn't home. I am both valuable and capable.
Its been a big day. I'm off to an early night. Thank you all for your encouragement and support.
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Got caught up reading the plan b cafe thread. This particularly resonated other and this is something that a cake-eater doesn't want to do. They want to keep both doors open but a Plan B shows them that they have to close one door fully in order to be able to walk through the other one. Whoops, I see I didn't catch it all w/this stupid tablet, but you know what I mean.
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Thank you Kayla. I really needed that. As I tell me daughter, keep your eyes on the prize: you! Or, in this case, me. Despite all my heartache and worry, I am happy to see that I can stand on my own two feet. And if whose came to worst, I have a good job and can keep my house and not have to change my lifestyle, except to make it better for ME.
I also want to say something for the newly betrayed. Like you, I was scared of exposure. What if people turn me away. Tell me I'm a horrible wife? Say I don't deserve the marriage I want? That I was ridiculous?
After today's post by sunny asking me if I exposed, I took a great big giant breath and went to my husband's close friends. One right after the other. all my fears were for nought. Each one invited me into their home and talked with me at great length. All were supportive of our marriage (on MB terms).
Despite me fears (some of them I didn't know), I left with a lighter heart.
What ive learned today is that I have some true friends here. Women I considered only acquaintences have shown me they care about me. People I had never met (and their wives) have pledged their support. With or without my husband, I have a life here. I am no longer alone.
So, I have plans for the next several days. Stuff I have waited years for my husband to do is getting done - by me! I have tackled a scary bug, and unclogged my first drain. And I have slept through the night, something I could never do before if h wasn't home. I am both valuable and capable.
Its been a big day. I'm off to an early night. Thank you all for your encouragement and support. EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what exposure did for me too. A: It killed the fantasy of the affair and all of that but on a personal level, it B: gave me MUCH needed support IRL. I'm so glad you got that! I keep wondering what people over there have against Marriage Builders principles. They are INCREDIBLY practical!
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Today's radio show on secrecy is good. 2nd segment. Its raining and I'm trying to summon the energy to get up and go to the gym. There is no central heating in this country! Primitive, lol.
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Sunny - I know! I reckon they are just so full of IB they can't see the forest.
I've just read Indies lovely metaphor of the warrior and the dragon as plan b. Great allegory! Makes total sense to me.
I'm having a hard get out of bed day, but am going to get my butt downstairs for a cuppa. Then maybe I can get going.
See ya later-
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Sunny - I know! I reckon they are just so full of IB they can't see the forest.
I've just read Indies lovely metaphor of the warrior and the dragon as plan b. Great allegory! Makes total sense to me.
I'm having a hard get out of bed day, but am going to get my butt downstairs for a cuppa. Then maybe I can get going.
See ya later- Keep your chin up, my friend!!! I remember those times. I was thankful I had classes to keep my mind busy and off things - as well as my boys. They were awesome during that time! I swear, some days just all ran together.
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Arg, this sucks so badly!
I had one person left who I couldn't get to last night. He was kind enough to speak w/me. Turns out he cheated on his wife 25 years ago, and now lives an open, completely transparant life. But he also told me that wh has hated our phone appts w/sh (so much for that empty promise, ie lie about booking more appts that he'll pay for) and that he thought my terms were unreasonable. He also said that he thought I'd come because I wanted him to tell wh what I said. I took a deep breath and said no, only that I hoped he would help support our marriage. Anyhow, he was nice enough (and surprise, surprise, all wh told him was that I kept throwing his A 5.5 years ago in his face, which is yet another blatent lie - I told him I never wanted to speak of it again, and told him of the lying).
So now I feel incredibly frustrated, though I should still take heart in all the positives i had yesterday.
I have a lot of unfinished business here, cars, property...I'm goi ng to make a list for the lawyer for next week so when i see him I can drop off all the billing for the business and have his bloody cars stored off site. And I'm going to pack up the rest of his stuff and put it all in storage too. So there! :-P
I have started taking the anti-ds, but they make me quite nauseated (I was warned this is common for the first week). I must force myself to eat so I have the energy to do the gym (so glad I did that for myself). Going to spend this rainy afternoon sorting paperwork and paying hills and making myself a budget (yuck).
Thank you everyone for your support and advice. And new ppl - pls, pls listen and act on the advice when you get it, no matter how hard it is, because it will save you heaps of anguish.
Oh, lastly, I'm booking our last paid for appt w/sh for myself!
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HELP!!!!! SOS SOS.
Have just had a call from my IM. After 4 days of silence, and I am stunned that he actually called her!, he has said that no, he will not continue w/SH, and he's not going to write EPs. He DID offer to go to MC here, and wanted to meet.
I know she wasn't supposed to tell me anything else, but I asked. This whole NC thing is hard. He told her this whole MB thing was a pile of sh*t.
I can clearly see that he is livid about being held accountable for his behaviour.
He also said that I would be getting a letter from the lawyers because what I have done (locking him out) is illegal. Yep, it is here, but he can come w/the police and put me out. That'd be a great start to recovering the marriage, eh?
I am so angry!!! He is not accountable, he has no concept that he chronic LYING is the problem on the table, and he must believe I am so desperate to have him back that I'll take crumbs.
This moment sucks b*lls, but its a heck of a lot better being angry than depressed!
I told IM that I do not have an answer at this time.
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That's right. You have no answer because he hasn't met your requirements. Nothing has changed except he's throwing a hissy fit. Well boo-hoo for him. Get back to Plan B and quit asking your IM for info, k? See what it does to you? Has your IM read ML's training school for IMs? She/He needs to be tougher and not pass on any extraneous info to you.
As far as you are concerned, you didn't get any message. Don't respond to his ranting. Stay strong, we're behind you!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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thanks princess. yep, she has. she's been terrific. she knows what to do, and now, so do i. i don't know why, but for a smart person i always have to make a mistake before i "get" it. not so smart, eh?
that's exactly what i think, too. he's having quite a little tanty over his big ole self, and not getting his way, and peeved he's being held accountable for his behaviour. well, he can just stew in it!
Q: should she go ahead and tell him no go, or just not respond at all?
don't worry, i have no desire whatsoever to contact him in any way!
i did email the centre and ask for our last appointment for myself.
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by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
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