One major thing is that I'm going to ask him to delete all of his female facebook friends. He will not be happy about this because fb is his communication to the outside world since most of his friends and family are long distance, many outside of the country. However, he has a TON of female fb friends and I believe this to be the core of his online sex problem.

I don't know any of the women except for the one in another country, who is the cousin of a friend. I will try to find out if she has a boyfriend.

Indiegirl -- is it possible to PM you? You have been very helpful and I'd like to talk more but it won't let me PM you or maybe I just don't know how.

One more thing -- I would like to do this to find out if he has had any PAs. I'm scared though -- what good would this do if he has had a one night stand or something of the sort and then I get seriously hurt again like when I found out about this whole mess? I kind of don't want to know if it's something old and over with. I've never tested positive for STDs.

If she engaged in the sex talk with him, that's an EA. If not he was fishing for an EA if not PA. If the former expose them both, if the latter, stick to exposing him.

If she is'joking' about oral sex with a married man on FB she needs running off. I would tell her and people close to her that you will not put up with that and to use their influence to encourage her to leave your H alone.

It caused you pain because the two of them were thoughtlessly indulging in their own needs with no thought of you. That is an A.

If you were lucky enough to catch their first inappropriate EA discussion then that's good and she might be easy to run off

Having video sex with other women is being unfaithful.

Exposure is always necessary even when the A is dead. Even when the spouse will agree to conditions. First of all you need everyones support. He needs all eyes on him to keep him accountable in the future too. He needs people telling him to work on the marriage. And him seeing that you care enough to run off the OW is an important part of Plan A. Its an addiction like alcoholism. You can't treat it secretively, you need the support of others.

Can you find out who they are?



Don't rule it out tho. You need to be thorough. He may also have started something up since moving.If you have the cash I would get a PI. If not go down a few days earlier than he is expecting you and follow him.When you do stay with him you need to do some major snooping.

Thanks indie. I'm really scared to expose him. He will be furious and I will feel shame at what has happened. Is it recommended to tell everyone, even my parents? I just feel so embarrassed and I feel that they will dislike him forever after this. Many of my friends and family already are pressuring me to leave him because of his behavior but I defend him and say he's not a bad guy.
Anyway, did you do exposure and how did you do it? How did he react? Were you scared to do it and did you feel embarrassed to tell EVERYONE?

PMing is disabled on this site because there are so many waywards and vulnerable betrayed people knocking about that the Mods are in charge of PMing. You have to click Notify and let the mods know that you want to exchange emails.

I would be happy to give you my email further on down the line, but for now I need you to stick to the boards for advice. You are in the 'emergency room' stage of betrayal and I need the other doctors around. There are vets with ten years plus experience here, I am a relative newbie.

Don't worry I am not going anywhere.

Yes of course I was! But I was coached through it by the wonderful vets on here.

I was particularly scared by my dads possible reaction. He has never liked my H and he's not the sort of guy you want to upset. I feared it would get violent.

When I exposed my WHs family were marvellous. That was a shock. Our close couple friends were not - including my GFs - that was a bigger shock. Through exposure I discovered they already knew about the A and were covering up for the APs. NC with the toxic friends is now one of my conditions.

My family were brilliant. My dad is a bigger MBer than I am now because he always felt I was 'too soft' on my H and he is really impressed by my tough conditions for recovery. It took a while to convince him, but he now agrees that if my H abides by my conditions it will make my m safe.

As for the APs, they were in an emotional and physical affair and my WHs plan was to tell everyone he left me because I was not happy no matter what he did. I am sure he was planning to move in with her soon while keeping me on the back burner.

After exposure they became too embarassed to be seen with each other and like Judases, denied having anything to do with each other. OW kept to her bed for a few days before she was forced to shlep around town with her denials. No one believed her.

My WH refused to give me full honesty, so I kicked him out and he is in Plan B until he agrees to my conditions.

Lots of people complimented me on my stregnth of mind and the cleverness of exposure. WHs family love it because they don't want to lose me and were grateful to be told.

Exposure gave me my life back and showed me who my real friends are.

I have never been happier.

We have a saying around here: Your marriage can survive your spouse's anger but it cannot survive adultery!

Yes, that makes sense, thanks for all your help with this on the forum, maybe later I can PM you when things calm down.

I was wondering if you could link me to Plan A information. I am compiling my list of "conditions." So if he doesn't agree to the conditions (ie polygraph, email passwords, no female facebook friends) then what? Do I have to go directly to plan B or should I still plan A? Here is the draft of my "Conditions" letter/talk:

------------------------------
Dear Cucu,

I want to have a romantic, loving, safe marriage and I can�t stay in a marriage if I�m afraid I will be hurt the way that I was. In order for me to feel safe again in our marriage, we need to take the following steps to prevent more affairs from happening.

1. End all contact with other women
2. No more female facebook or other online contact with women
3. No more opposite sex friendships
4. No secrets � exchange email/facebook passwords and access to phones
5. Complete honesty about your affairs � taking a lie detector test to prove
6. Committing to a program of marital recovery of my choice (marriage builders)

This is what it will take for me to feel safe with you so I can stay in this marriage. These things are to prevent further affairs, because it is human nature for them to occur, and even more so if they have occurred in the past. I love you and have no doubt that you will agree to these conditions for our marriage and be able to change.

Thanks for sharing your story. So you had a complete and full exposure! Wow, you are brave. I don't know if I will have the courage to do it but I will work on getting there. What is "dark" plan B?

Its up to the BS how much they want to know about a particular A,for example you might not want to know which sex acts etc however overlooking an entire PA would be a mistake.

It would be a bit like diagnosing an illness by asking the patient to lie about the symptoms.

For a start, you need to know which conditions led to the A.

For example if you find out he has ONSs when drinking a lot, you would need to make no drinking without you a condition.

Also you would need to know who the woman is to impose NC. If he works with her he has to quit his job, if she's a bartender the bar becomes off limits.

It will hurt, but not knowing hurts too. The first wound is sharper but heals, the second wound stings forever.

Getting STD tested is a smart idea but you phrased this like its something you do often? Why is that?

Well you don't have long. He started getting frisky with other women months ago and he is trawling for tail on FB. The longer you take to expose the higher the chances of him having a PA become.

I would read the exposure thread ASAP and formulate a plan to expose in a controlled way q soon. Come back here for guidance after reading it.

I will try and bump the thread for you so it is easy to find.



Plan B does not allow any contact with the WS. No texts, no emails, nothing. I changed my contact details so my WH cannot reach me. People are also not allowed to mention his name to me, though he often tries to get messages to me through third parties, I do not allow it. My Plan B love letter says I will welcome him back when he agrees to my conditions and he can email my intermediary when he is ready to agree.

An intermediary blocks all unnecessary contact and only passes on messages relating to finances etc. She will also tell me if my H agrees to my conditions.

Other than that she blocks all info like a 'spam filter'. It is difficult enough to separate, it is harder still to get continual messages of love/hate/nonsense from someone who will not agree to making you safe.

Good point about knowing in order to prevent. I'm terrified to find anything else out. It really hurt so badly I think I could barely stand to hear more. But it's true, if there's more out there it may continue and that will hurt more in the long run. *Sigh*
Do you have any suggestions for preparing my mental state if the worst is true?

I am tested for STDs annually when I have my annual exam. It's part of a well woman exam for all women through age 26, so I actually didn't have one (the STD part ) last year because I was 27. I will request it this year or maybe even go in earlier.

Well if he agrees to radical honesty and a polygraph, he will have decided to give you the information you need to make you safe.

That decision on his part, to choose you over choosing to hide, will help you. If he is brave about this, that will reassure you. He is the best person to help heal you.

You are kinda jumping the gun tho, keep your mind on exposure for now.

Wait, do I do exposure before any polygraph test?

Exposure is the 'stick' part of the carrot and stick of Plan A nd you do it swiftly, all in one day, and without warning anyone (particularly WH).

The sooner the better with Exposure. However make sure you read the exposure thread and get a proper plan together. A trickled exposure or ineffective exposure will hurt your Plan A so learn how to do it right.

I bumped the threads on Exposure and Plan A. They are currently on page one of the SAA forum.