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A trickle exposure is very damaging.
It will not have any effect and you will have angered your WH for nothing.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks Maritalbliss. Remember when you were doing this for me?   You've come a long way, sweetie.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I did read the exposure thread and still have not resolved to do the full exposure, I am trying to get there. I do see the importance and I need the support of my family too so I'm really working hard in my brain for this. That won't cut the mustard I'm afraid. Exposure is scary right up until you do it. Your brain won't stop fearing it until it is done. Stop trying to guess how everyone will react, because I can tell you right now you cant. Its pointless. Feelings follow actions. You will feel better after you do it, not before. How did you tell your parents? I just can't imagine saying "Y cheated on me with women online" I will be so embarrassed. I think I can do it though. Would it hurt to wait a few more days to see if I can resolve to do it? Otherwise I may breakdown and do the half exposure now and that may be worse.
Married since 2005.
BW 28 (me)
WH 29
No children
D-Day 3/5/12
Caller on radioshow 4/10/12
Dark Plan B, 5/3/12
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How did you tell your parents?. I told my mother first, I said my H and my close friend were involved in an A. I told her I had found a hotel receipt and I showed her some rather disgusting text messages I had printed off. She surprised me by asking me what I wanted to do. I had expected her to push an opinion on me but this did not happen. I told her it depended and she just nodded. We then told my dad together. I was shaking with fear. He looked and listened and said he was so shocked he couldn't take it in. He did not ask what I wanted to do. He said he needed some space and that he was going out for a walk. When he came back he said he wanted me to leave WH. I said he may very well be right but that it was my decision and that I would not be rushed. Bizarrely the most argumentative and overprotective man on the planet did not argue. He then gave me a hug. I had not realised how much I needed that hug. His opinions have changed daily since then and I have listened to them all.But it is my decision. I care greatly about what my parents think. But here's the thing. I'm a grown up and I make my own decisions, being frank and honest about the reasons why. Only teenagers creep around and hide stuff.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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[Hoping1183], Would it hurt to wait a few more days to see if I can resolve to do it? [/quote] Yes. The resolve fairy is unlikely to show. A PA on your husbands part is a daily threat and mulling, uhmming and ahhhing is only likely to see you wind yourself up and conjure up endless oases of doubt and 'what if's' You have nothing to be embarassed about. You have to decide to have resolve at some point, so may as well do it now. I may breakdown and do the half exposure now and that may be worse. Only if you decide to. I would suggest you not decide to. If its any consolotion, you will not fear anything ever again after you do this. Its kinda nice.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I liked your post on healingwife's thread.
One of the things that gave me courage in Exposure, Plan A and Plan B, was the other posters on here going through the same stages at the same time.
I knew they were scared too and that if I chickened out, they might too. I wouldn't be able to help them. I would not be setting a good example.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Also exposure will feel so good.
It's like a huge breath of fresh air, letting the dirty laundry out and getting it clean.
It stinks as you're sorting and doing, it then all clean when it's done.
We're all rooting for you. You can do it.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I liked your post on healingwife's thread.
One of the things that gave me courage in Exposure, Plan A and Plan B, was the other posters on here going through the same stages at the same time.
I knew they were scared too and that if I chickened out, they might too. I wouldn't be able to help them. I would not be setting a good example. Thanks, you are seriously an AMAZING mentor and I don't know what I'd do without you reading and responding to my pathetic posts. I went back and read most of your story. I'm impressed by your courage, you didn't waver at all to expose. You just did it all out. What you went through seems so much worse than what I'm going through. I am so sorry for everything that happened to you and I have to say you are also an AMAZING and strong woman. I aspire to be like that.
Married since 2005.
BW 28 (me)
WH 29
No children
D-Day 3/5/12
Caller on radioshow 4/10/12
Dark Plan B, 5/3/12
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I'm impressed by your courage, you didn't waver at all to expose. Oh yes I did! You must remember that I came here before Dday - not suspecting an A at all - and I was coached to snoop by Vets who appeared to have second sight. From other continents they sniffed out an A that was under my nose without my spotting it. By the time exposure rolled around, I was just used to doing whatever they said, but I was deathly afraid. When I did my FB exposures my hands shook so much my bro had to take over and type for me. When speaking to my dad, I was practically hiding behind my mother. Your fears are no different to mine.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I have resolved to tell my parents, at least starting with my mother. I realized that I desperately just need their support and hiding this is killing me. I'm actually living with my parents by now that my husband has left for Texas.
My problem is still, I don't know how to say it. I was thinking of saying "Mom, Y had inappropriate relationships on video chat last fall," and it just sounds so silly, vulgar, and TMI. I love my parents more than almost anything but we almost never share negative feelings let alone crises in our lives. I didn't even tell her when I had failed fertility treatments and was despairing beyond words. These are the things I tell my husband, which what makes this so hard. He helps me through the hard times, except for now.
Married since 2005.
BW 28 (me)
WH 29
No children
D-Day 3/5/12
Caller on radioshow 4/10/12
Dark Plan B, 5/3/12
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Don't use euphemisms like 'inappropriate' - that could mean anything and is vague and confusing. They were not relationships either. Say "Mom, H has been having video chat sex with women online" Start with: "He's been unfaithful" if you want, but tell the whole truth. It just sounds so silly, vulgar, and TMI. Are affairs silly? No. Vulgar? Yes. TMI? She needs to know the extent of the danger to her daughters marriage.These matters affect her life too. I think by 'sounds silly, vulgar and TMI' you mean you think that's how it will sound to her. Stop that right now. You can't guess how she will respond to the truth and she is entitled to respond in any way she chooses. You can't shape the truth in an attempt to shape her response. You tell her the truth, and you ask her for her support. Her response to that is her responsibility. Your responsibilty is only to give her the facts and the choice. I told my mother first because we have a very open relationship and I had a more secretive relationship with my dad, so she was easiest. I also knew she would help keep my Dad calm. If both your parents are somewhat of a challenge, it might be best to tell them together just to get it over with.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hoping,
I have a daughter a little older than you. I would be very sad if she thought I couldn't handle the truth about her life. Her father and I want to help her and her husband with what we have learned at great cost.
If my daughter or son-in-law were to experience the pain of infidelity in their marriage, I would want to know so I could support the betrayed spouse and put pressure on the adulterer to end the affair.
It's very likely your mother will respond to your problems and be supportive.
I can understand your reluctance to tell your parents, but they are likely to be a wonderful and necessary support to you in your time of great need.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Thank you for this insight. It's good to be reminded of my mom's perspective and I know she would share your feelings of wanting to know the truth to be able to help. I hate letting my mom see me suffer though and I feel incredibly ashamed of what has become of my marriage.
I know I have to do this, though. For my health and well being, not just my marriage.
Married since 2005.
BW 28 (me)
WH 29
No children
D-Day 3/5/12
Caller on radioshow 4/10/12
Dark Plan B, 5/3/12
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What if I said that "Y was involved in online sexual affairs last fall. " And then what do I say after that?
I'm also thinking of my Plan A after all of this exposure. I want to make a strong and full Plan A because I think we have a good chance and WH doesn't show any sign of wanting to leave me. I'd like to make a firm list of my needs, is that part of Plan A? I did read the post on "The carrot/stick of Plan A" by Pep and that was very helpful but there wasn't anything in there about a letter with my ENs, etc.
My main EN is I really need WH to stop LB and do POJA with me, he's very resistant to both of these, even though I had started a modified Plan A even before I found out about this mess and before he left for Texas. He just gets mad, yells, gets irritated with me about every other day, and about once weekly even if I'm on my best behavior. This last visit things were going pretty well but when he did LB (one day that week mainly) I started just asking respectfully if he could stop using a negative tone with me, or yelling, etc... and he continued, even got annoyed at me continuing to repeatedly ask this.
Married since 2005.
BW 28 (me)
WH 29
No children
D-Day 3/5/12
Caller on radioshow 4/10/12
Dark Plan B, 5/3/12
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I hate letting my mom see me suffer though and I feel incredibly ashamed of what has become of my marriage. This is just the start though. Your mother gets to see you recover and become stronger than ever. She will see you refuse to enable immoral behaviour in your marriage and take a stand. She will see you take responsibility for your own mistakes fearlessly. She gets to go through an entire journey with you in which you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, sew up your own wounds and remove the dangers that caused those wounds. You are about to impress the hell out of her, if you choose to follow MB to the letter.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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There are no expectations in plan A.
You just make as many love deposits in his LB so he knows what he may be missing if you have to go to Plan B.
The other will happen in recovery.
Your first priority is to expose the affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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You mean no expectations on him in Plan A at ALL? I was able to get a week off of work on March 27th so I will Plan A then. What if he is LBing his butt off, which I expect to happen, but committed to no more affairs? I am also making a list of requirements related to the affairs to prevent them (No female FB friends, lie detector test, commitment to marriage recovery program), which will be part of the Plan A I suppose.
If I am Plan Aing and there are no expectations on him, how do I decide under what circumstances to stop Plan A and move on to recovery program? Under what circumstances to stop Plan A and move on to Plan B??? I don't understand.
Married since 2005.
BW 28 (me)
WH 29
No children
D-Day 3/5/12
Caller on radioshow 4/10/12
Dark Plan B, 5/3/12
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I'd like to make a firm list of my needs, is that part of Plan A? Not really. You meet his needs in Plan A without expecting your own met. If you were getting your own met you'd be in recovery! That's why Plan A is short for women, its too stressful and damaging to do long term. However you reiterate that you expect him to meet your needs eventually. Those are part of your conditions, remember? That he follow an MB plan with you. I wouldn't go into detail of your ENs, though. Just get him to sign up to the plan. He was wayward when he was picking on you every day. Its common for waywards to demonise their spouse. Finding fault with you eased his guilt. You can expect more of this. Ignore general sulkiness. If he is disrespectful or hurtful say: "That was very hurtful" but do not get sucked into a debate. What if I said that "Y was involved in online sexual affairs last fall. " And then what do I say after that? Ok but answer her questions in full, don't hide or gloss. Then you ask for her support.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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how do I decide under what circumstances to stop Plan A and move on to recovery program? Under what circumstances to stop Plan A and move on to Plan B??? I don't understand. When he meets your conditions. Have you thought about how you want to follow the MB plan? You can do it yourself, or you can do the home study course where you get an accountability coach. You can also counsel with the Harleys. Since you've had trouble getting him on board in the past, I'd get him on the phone with Steve Harley if he agrees to your conditions. Everyone says Steve is really good with men, especially withdrawn husbands.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthyof loveanddevotion. ... Ifthe infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"
excuse me acting "nice'in the face of an affair makes me want to puke
Plan A is taking control of one's self ...itisNOT "acting nice"~asif~ therewas no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurtslikebatteryacid poured on your skin
am I right?
heII yes I am right
so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~>SPEAK UP
tell the truth
"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let'sgethelp."
If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.
"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."
"I feel wounded by your affair."
"My heart aches for the love we used to share."
But be careful ...don'tget needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters
it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors
ASK for help from the board
if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ...and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !
if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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