So I'm starting my own thread. Here are the comments from the other one that I hijacked. If you have anything to add, please do so.


I just talked to my 'friend' and he's looking forward to our 'date' which makes me apprehensive. It's not really a date because I told him I'm paying for myself. I just don't want to expect too much from it you know?

Oh crap. So I can't be stubborn and pay my way? I don't want to get in a fight but I'd rather him not pay to begin with anyway because it's NOT a date! We are just two friends helping each other through the loneliness I think. I'm not sure what we are really.

I suppose I can say next time is my treat. That would be perfect. I have a bad feeling he's old-fashioned. I don't even know where we are going. It's going to be a short meal because we are going after church and then he has a meeting. He planned it that way so I would be eased into this thing. He's very sweet and considerate. But now I've already started worrying about the next step. It's taken us 2 months to get to this step. lol

Since ya'll are being so helpful, let me ask this. He is dating a lady in another town but they are also free to date other ppl. He told me a few weeks ago she was fixing to go out with someone else. OK, I don't have any romantic interest in him (and hope I don't cause right now I just need a friend of the opposite sex) so would it be OK to talk about his relationship with her if it came up right? He's been open and honest about her from the beginning. He knows about my crush and he knows that I'm a fruitcake (and he still wants to go to lunch think ). Or what should we talk about? I want to get more info on his job so I think that's safe. I would like to know what exactly he does (he's my ex-husband's boss - hahahaha! Ya'll didn't see that one coming did you?) because he stays on the go 24/7. I would have thought he had a cushy job. Work with me here.

Also, any tips on not reading too much into this would be helpful. Actually I don't think I am going to read too much into it but ... ya'll have seen my mind in action.

I'm not worried about this guy at all. He is TRUE BLUE through and through. He's the type you wanna take home to your family and the type you don't mind your kids getting to know (actually my kids know him well - my ex lived with him the first 9 months of our separation). He's not using me at all. To begin with I was afraid I was using him to get over my crush. I'm not a user. I didn't like that feeling so I wanted to make sure hence part of the reason it's taken us so long to get together. We really both want a pal of the opposite sex in our town you know?

His 'friend' lives in another town and neither are willing to move but they have a connection so they haven't broken it off. I've known about her from the beginning. I've told him how crazy I thought he was for wanting to date other ppl. We have a good friendship. He doesn't want to get serious about anyone before he has healed. He knows what a basket case I am. He is known throughout the community as a wonderful person. No worries here.

We were acquaintances before me and DH split. I had always heard wonderful things about him. He is actually my cousin's boss as well and she has nothing but good to say. My ex moved in with him after we split until he moved in with his girlfriend/now wife. B told my cousin that he totally understood why I was divorcing ex and that he wanted to talk to me about the situation but didn't want to cause problems. He said the only reason he had let ex live there so long was so that my kids would have a good place to live when they were with him but he didn't know that he could continue letting him live there even for that reason. Can anyone say psycho ex? lol That's when our real friendship started. He is just a good guy. I don't think I have any real worries though because I'm not physically attracted to him - I know he swoons when he sees me though rotflmao . OK, that was a joke.


I don't think anyone said anything about friends with benefits.

The open relationships here was referring to dating more than one person at the time while being honest about it with everyone involved. This is so you won't focus on ONE person. Is that wrong?

I really have no desire to date but I'm willing to go out with a friend for the companionship.

I wanted to comment on this. I don't mean really that I'm anticipating another date per say. It's just I don't want to anticipate anything so I've already started worrying. So crazy. I'm NOT cut out for this junk.

Prissanna, if he says he wants to pick the tab, let him! I do that all the time with my friends, men or women. I actually do not like taking the bill and dividing it, then I prefer paying for my friend - then she or he can pay for me the next time if they like. If it's my 'date' or boyfriend, he can pay when we go out (if he wants to) but I can make a full course meal with nice wine and homemade dessert at home. Unless it's someone I would never want to see again - but then again, if that's the case, you would not be going out with him in the first place, right?

The short lunch actually sounds the best! Meeting for a cup of coffee can be a bit too short, yet meeting for dinner may be a bit too much. Lunch, and a short one, that would be perfect for the first time date...., okay, you don't want to call it a date, so the first 'meeting' shall we say..

Miss Priss,

You continue to crack me up!!!! If the energy that you have in your posts is anything like what you carry in person I'm certain that you won't have any trouble finding something to talk about.

I know this is different because you know each other, I've been on a couple of Match dates, and it seems to take me a good 4 hours over dinner to let the conversation run its course. I have a feeling that that will be the case for you. You will run out of time and still have more to say to each other.

As for who's paying..... Let Him !!!! It will help him feel better, just relax and order what you want. MS is right the possibility of a homemade dinner later if you want to do that would be a nice payback.

But for now one step at a time !!!! Guard your heart !!!! Don't read into it to much !!! and most of all just enjoy yourself !!!! ....... (advice from a guy that has been D for 2 months after a 29 marriage)

SC are you STILL making fun of me? Honestly I'm more outgoing on the internet but I'm getting better about being that way in person as well. I used to be this happy, carefree person until I married. *sigh* I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to get out of it cause I don't know if I will ever find the REAL me again.

I didn't realize you were divorced. I am so sorry. For some reason I thought ya'll had worked it out. I hate it for you. You have got an emotional roller coaster ahead of you. I don't wish it on anyone.

Start a thread about your Match dates. I'd be interested to hear about them.

Dang, I thought you already had your not-date date, but I guess not... When is the big date?

AGG

Nope. Not yet. March 25th.

I prefer to pay on the first date. If I am lucky enough to get a second date, I am comfortable with the woman offering to pay that time. This is how it was with NG (current GF). I think it was like "I would like to go out with you again" and "Okay, but I would like to pay next time." (of course, she also got to pick the activity then).

I'm old fashioned I think. everythign worked out.

opt

I'm excited to hear any updates on that one

I have a question about compatibility. This is for future reference but I'm going to use B as my example to discuss this.

He is a history buff. I am not.
He watches documentaries. I can't see myself enjoying that.
He stays on the go a lot. I'm a homebody however I can see myself wanting to do 'some' things.
He is very involved in ministry. I am semi-involved and don't want to hook up with someone who is OVERLY involved (my ex was this way and .... I just can't deal with that again. ).

Should these be seen as deal breakers or just differences in two people? I know you don't want to be exactly alike so what is the goal?

Because you are a homebody, as for the first two differences (history buff and documentaries), I think they may not be deal breaksers. You may start enjoying learning the history as well as watching documentaries with him a bit (not all the time). Or, you may not, but as long as he is watching the documentaries or history channels at home, you can be doing something else but you guys are still at home together. I would be worried if he loves bungee jumping and wants his partner to do this with him often while she has no interest.

If he is always on the go, and you are not..., this may be a bigger issue, because he is physically not there a lot to share time with you.

Have you read Will Our Love Last? . It's the best book I've seen on compatibility. Shoot, I think I have two copies for some odd reason... Maybe my wife had one too before we met? I dunno.

AGG

The ministry thing is what I see as being the biggest thing. That's not just little differences.

AGG! Great to hear you advocate this book! I read it when I started dating NG. We found it to be very insightful.

Prissana, Dr. H also has a list of compatability traits which is helpful. I'm sure it's somewhere on this site.
Dr. Harley has said that any two people can have a satisfying marriage. When I started dating I was looking for someone with whom I would not have to contort myself (or have them contort themselves) to make a satisfying marriage be as easy as possible -- because it can be difficult. in the best of circumstances [e.g. I could have had a satisfying M with my ex, even though realistically we were not that "compatible". Since there were kids involved, I was willing to do the contortions; she wasn't, so away we went]. NG and I are very compatable (according to various measures, AND she practices MB with me).
I think you should go out anyway. You never know how a person really is till you spend some time with them.

opt

About the book. I don't want to read anything like that until I get more serious (as if that will ever happen) because I'm afraid a book like that will put thoughts into my head that I don't need or want. Does that make sense? It probably doesn't to you but it does to me.

I am kinda looking forward to going out with him now that we have a 'set date'. He told me last month what the date was but I didn't write it down because I wasn't sure I was going to actually do it. I think it will be fun and I'm not looking towards the future at all. I do need to be around him more to figure out stuff like the ministry thing. He might not be as involved as I think he is.

I've even thought about going out with another guy - eventually. I have a standing invitation with him and I've batted it back and forth. I know he's not my type. He doesn't ever want to get re-married so I see him as safe but fun providing he doesn't want to get romantic. I haven't made up my mind about that one yet.

The time to prepare yourself (reading a book) is BEFORE you get serious, though. It is much easier to discard good logic when our hearts are already involved. Better to consider compatible traits now, and rule out any non-compatible suitors before you go out on any dates. Involvement in ministry is a biggie on your list. Homebody vs go-getter is another.

Of course, you fail under my personal old-law of "Don't date anyone who has been divorced less than one year." We have something in our area where this company arranges a bunch of activities--ziplining, canopy walks, sailing, hikes, wine tastings, etc--and singles ONLY can sign up to attend. Activities and companionship without being on a "date" sounds like what you need now. The company is called Events and Adventures, they have chapters in a lot of major cities in the US and Canada.

Yes. I totally agree. The time to figure out what you want in a mate is BEFORE you begin seeing someone. I made a top ten list years ago....I ignored it early after my divorce with painful results. When I came back around to my senses I pulled out my list and took a deep breath and moved forward. It has worked out MUCH better.



That is a really cool event CWMI.

A year divorced is a good rule of thumb. I was almost there when I met my now dh. I remarried almost exactly a year after my divorce was final.