ugh. i was just on a website, completely unrelated to social networking, but ad revenue generating. every single ad was a pseudo-porn site. videos, banner bars...i could barely find what i was there for in the middle of all the smut. it's appalling to see what drives most internet traffic. and scary to think that's what a lot of people are exposed to every day. bleech. interesting note: they were ALL aimed at men. extra-large implants, lingerie/nudity (skillfully hidden), pouty faces, etc.

I know, Letty. I have 2 teenage sons and I can't stand all the exposure to this crap!

Yeah, I had to tell my boys, that a girlfriend was supposed to be treated like a friend, and you don't use your friends do you?

Also assured them that they had nothing to prove, and when it comes time to use them, all of thier parts will work.

I warned them about themselves, nature, and the drives they had/would have. Also about how females have that drive too, just in different ways.

So far so good, they are kind, responsible inteligent young men, and stand for what is right, but I am afraid that during their Moms demise, and her falling apart, they did fall to the temptation of a womans receptive ness.

I still let them know they are playing with fire, so if they get burned, they asked for it.

Its toobad that we have to deal with this, but its been around for ages

You're right about that, CP, been around a long time: I just hate that it is so easily accessible. And you know, not just "normal" stuff either that's bad enough - but the really SICK stuff that comes up, makes my jaw drop!

We have all kinds of blockers and anti-virus software, but it still manages to find a way to creep to the surface at times.

My boys are great - so far no issues, thankfully.

Just something small to share this morning...

My husband sent me an email yesterday saying that when he is overwhelmed, he appreciates and thinks of me and it makes him feel better. I wrote back that I was glad he felt positively about me - about us. He replied that it was more than feeling positive...that it was like holding on to something solid - like a ladder in a pool when you are dead tired.

OK..SO...maybe not the most eloquent, but I'll take it!!!


I'm a ladder.... been called worse.
LOL

It was nice to hear because we've had a lot of financial stress lately and I know it is hard on H when money is tight. And of course, everything around the house breaks down when money is tight... Murphy's Law. Cars, fridge, you name it. lol

Plus, when money is tight life is just not as fun. Can't run to our favorite restaurant for date night or whatever... Oh, I know we can be creative and still have a good time - and we have.

Thankfully the crunch should be over soon. Just comes with the territory when you do consultant work.

It got me thinking though: has the correlation between finances and infidelity ever been discussed here? We all know that wealthier people commit adultery sometimes out of a sense of entitlement... but what about the other extreme? Just curious. It seems a lot of times when I read of a WS on the boards there seems to be financial strain going on as well.

Hmmmmm.....

Sunny,

Your story today brought a smile to my face, I feel so happy for you, you guys sound so much in love with each other and so strong for each other I am jealous.
I would love to be a ladder. LOL

You bring up an interesting question .....I don't have any answers or thoughts but I think when stress takes over your lives there may be a temptation to relieve yourself from that outside the life you live...............maybe there is some connection........

I'll be interested in any answers on the subject......

Thanks, Jess!!!

No takers yet on the finance convo.....


waiting...

well, i don't know about any research, but my own anecdotal evidence leans kinda that way. my h was laid off when the recession hit here, and found himself home a lot. he was also having some health issues (approaching 50), which kept him from being as active. he had typically had his fingers in a lot of pies and took good financial care of us; now i was the breadwinner but money was tight, and he had little to do. the whole country was in financial lockdown as people waited to see how bad things were going to get here. i brought up semi-retirement for him - after all, that's what we moved here for, eventually. i didn't realise this was a big blow to him, though i should have, after seeing how hard it was for him to adjust when we moved here (his home country) and he took a 2/3 cut in pay (wages here suck [censored]). he was hard to live with for about 2 years over that. we came very close to going back to the states.

anyhow, the previous year i had retrained, gotten a real job, and was finally meeting people here where we live after 5 years of terrible loneliness and isolation. we also had two exchange students and our own teenager with us. it was during this time that he walked all over what little boundaries he apparently had, and cultivated his relationship with this woman in CAN. then i had a family emergency in the states and spent several weeks (nearly 3 months in more than one trip) away from home. may as well have just thrown gasoline on the fire!

shortly after returning home, he got work back in the states and went over for 3 months himself (work for real money after all this time, blah blah blah). shortly before coming home, he flew up to CAN for the weekend and life as i knew it was over shortly after he came back.

during IC (what a great big fat waste of the little money we had), he tried to blame the a on not having work - bored, worried about money, sidetracked, etc. i didn't have a bar of that. what, you're going to have an a every time life gets tough? uh uh. what he really meant was "i felt like crap not being able to take care of my family, and didn't feel horribly masculine after taking such a big pay cut in the first place. you were really busy and not paying attention to what i needed from you. and then i met this little tramp who totally filled my need for admiration and recreation time. she was there all the time [as she could be, not having to work and available online all day and all night] while you were out working and travelling and helping ease the death of your relative."

so...do financial problems lead to affairs? nope. but they definitely create situations that will allow an a if both people aren't working at MB principals! i personally believe it was our IB that lead to the a, not the finances, but that was his perspective.

Well Letty, I have to agree with you,and IB can be deadly to a marriage.
Yes he had low or lowered boundaries, and like most men, probably thought or felt his financial contribution was who he was. I still feel that way, and I am 54, but I guess I am lucky, because money was such an issue with my Dad, that I never fell in love with it enough to snuff out my ego.

He did, and it ruined his marriage, and his relationship with his family, it really hurt his happiness in this life.

Don't get me wrong, I respect him and do my best to honor him, and make him happy, but his values were skewed. But this is what men go through and if they are able to learn and grow, they can do it at any age. We are never to old to learn.

Now that you have found MB, I hope you guys are rebuilding what you almost lost, in the rat race. Which in the end you are the winning rat.

Hope you guys are doing well, and the rats are off feeding on someone else

I agree, Letty, that fault does not lie with the financial issues. But, I do wonder if they lead a man to have a sort of personal overload that contributes to the waywardness.

I'm glad too that you and your H found MB!!!

CP: you're saying you CAN teach an old dog new tricks????

LOL

If he wants to live to be an older dog, yes

As I sit here and type I feel cranky: cranky and stubborn!

Last night was a bad night. H and I went to bed and when I dozed off, he got up to watch some basketball and such. I woke up after awhile and he wasn't in bed. I dozed back off - woke up again - and he still wasn't in bed! (It was very late by this time.)

I triggered...badly! This was something that happened quite a bit while H was wayward and involved in his affair: that he would sleep elsewhere. So, while I did not suspect anything weird last night, it brought old feelings and memories flooding back.

What did I do? Nothing. I stayed in bed, feeling sad and angry.

To make matters work, H also left early for work this morning. When he was getting ready, I asked him why he didn't come back to bed. He couldn't sleep and started playing Xbox and then got involved..then it got really late, so he figured there was no point in trying to sleep for a few hours, that it would just make matters worse in terms of tiredness. He sensed my unhappiness and cuddled with me a bit.

I did not mention I was triggering. I did tell him I didn't like it when he was not there with me - and that I can't sleep well. (So yes - for me it's a darned if you do, darned if you don't: I don't sleep well if he's not in bad - and when he is, I have to combat snoring! LOL) Anyway, he told me I should have let him know if I wanted him to come to bed. He's right of course, but dang: when you're triggering you sometimes just get sucked right into that darkness and don't do what you're supposed to do!

My thoughts during the night not only went to his cheating and things I remembered him saying to OW, but of an issue we'd discussed earlier in the day. He felt that I committed an IB with some spending on S18. I saw his point even though I thought we had agreed on it...but I apologized and said I would do what I could to make it right.

What did that have to do with the triggering? I don't know: I guess I just felt we had taken a step backward - then he stayed up all night.

None of this is helped by the fact that he told me yesterday he has to work all weekend. Again - not suspicious - I know he has a big project at the office that can only be done during non-operating hours. This has been discussed for months. BUT...I don't like it. We are going to have NO time together, all weekend, and that always makes me trigger.

PLUS...to add to it - watched a show the other night and inter-fused in the store line was a big infidelity arch. UGH. We watched, didn't talk about it, but H was very affectionate towards me that night. I'm sure he knew I was feeling bad. He gets brownie points for being sensitive to it. We probably should have just turned the darn show off but it was one of those things where you just didn't think it was going to pop up AGAIN.

SO: just struggling today, all around.

Thankfully, DD20 will be home tomorrow, but only for a short bit. I wish she was going to be here all weekend!

Hi! I am in TX also:) HUGS about the trigger! Our dates almost match on our journey.

I was just wonder if you could meet dh for lunch or something. I have taken lunch to dh before and we eat at his work or we go to a restaurant. Just an idea:)

Tammy

That might be a great idea for the weekend,Tammy. He works quite a ways away, but it might be worth it!

You're right - we do have similar time lines. Fun, isn't it?!!!
:S

I saw on your thread that you moved from Florida to Texas. I grew up in Florida....in Jacksonville.

I grew up in Ocala actually. Went to college in TX met dh. Then we lived in MI for 4 yrs from 2003-2007 then FL for 4 yrs 2007-2011 and now back in TX LOL

Dh just started a job all the way in downtown Dallas so it will be a trek for lunch but we love our lunch time. We have been trying to do it once a week ever sense we recommitted back to each other in November 2010. I got an email last week of the top 10 places to get lunch in downtown Dallas thought it was funny with the timing so we have the list and plan on trying them:) This week is a no go for us b/c dh is out of town and then I have a hair appt tomorrow which usually I would re arrange the hair appt but I haven't got my hair done since Nov so it looks sad and keeping up with myself makes me feel good but it also meets dh's need. So I am looking forward to a weekend with good hair LOL. I have to admit using his need as an excuse to look good is AWESOME!!! HAHAHA

Tammy

Just a little update:

It was good that DD20 was home for a bit this weekend. Kept me from being too grumpy about H having to work most of it!

I found that going the extra mile to meet H's needs when I could has helped keep me in a positive mindset. (Made him a breakfast fave yesterday morning before he took off and a nice dinner last night.)

We topped off last night with some good, family fun! Tonight I hope to top it off with some good, couple fun!

There was a bit of a snag this weekend: a difference of opinion between DD and H. It's not heated or anything like that, but H is giving her a hard time about her new boyfriend and she's upset about it. He is "judging" him when he hasn't even met him yet...AND...of course, DD's like, "Uhhh...not to be disrespectful Mom, but - does he have the right to judge anyone?" She kinda has a point but of course, I do not want to commit a DJ against H.

I was skeptical at first about the new beau as well. He is a bit older than DD - she being 20 and he just turned 26. She met him at college; he went into the Air Force before attending - GI bill and all. I think it's smart that he didn't want to end up owing a ton of money out of school when his parents couldn't pay. Right?

BUT... the caveat is that they have been dating a short time and new beau decided to take a job out of the country because he could make quite a bit of money to bank for the future. Again...smart. The problem is, now DD is having this long distance relationship, not having dated this guy that long... and he will be gone for the next year with only a few trips home in the duration. Is THAT smart??? Hmmmm.... If she were older, maybe. Yet, we all know how hard long distance relationships are anyway. I even look at the perspective that long distance keeps the relationship in the infatuation phase: no reality to counterbalance the PEA chemicals!

As a parent it's hard to see your 20 year old put her life on hold so to speak. Then again, the guy's basic character and intellect seems very good - and he treats her well, etc... SO... it's her her life and all that.

I don't know.

(I'm thinking out loud here a bit and also wondering if I've written about this before.)

Anyway...the situation, in my opinion, is not the best. BUT...I don't feel I should judge new beau when I haven't even met him yet. H, on the other hand, thinks it odd that a 26 year old would be interested in a 20 year old - when he's been "out in the world" and she's "just a student" and has made his displeasure known. She asked him to at least meet Beau and H acted all grumpy about it but finally agreed.

The worst part is, H doesn't seem to mind being judgmental - and being so in front of S16 who, following his dad's lead, now dislikes Beau as well...for no reason.

I keep thinking it's not my job to be the go-between with H and DD. Their relationship is their relationship... but, of course I want that to be a good one.

It makes me sad that there is still fallout from H's affair - it's really cost him in terms of the kids' respect for him.

oh yes, sunny, i know that feeling of the H being out of the bed in the middle of the night all too well! that, and coming home to find the front door locked. nowadays, it's because he just got home and is in the shower (and what person takes a shower with the front door unlocked?), but still...that's one of the reasons i was first interested in MB - i want to deal with those kinds of feelings.

i don't know that you should feel sad about the fallout re kids & dad and A - that's part of the price he pays for being a stupidhead. they will figure out a way, eventually. the example he's setting for your DS...i don't know. we only have the one girl child. maybe someone else can speak up there.

re DD and long distance love - ahh, what youth will do to keep love alive! i personally don't think there's much to worry over the age difference, and i wouldn't worry about them too much until he comes back - it probably won't last (sad for her, i know). unfortunately, the hardest part of being a parent is watching your kids make mistakes, especially mistakes your own experience could keep them from having! but, sadly, kids have never learned from their parents' mistakes. my own DD is 18, so i hear you loud and clear here! she had a bf for 2 years, and lots of post-high school plans that all got jettisoned when she found him cheating. have to give her credit - she's way stronger than me. set her head right, made some goals, and met them. boy was he ever mad to get back from uni and find her doing better than ever, and all *without* him!

i hope you have a better week than last. any luck on the snoring front? we gardened saturday, and i pulled up a lot of noxious weed from our rental property. told H straight up that i didn't want to hear about snoring after activating my hay fever! lol, but then i engaged him in conversation about how we can deal. right now (i think i may have posted this before? sorry if repetitive) i'm scratching his back at night to put him to sleep first. he's ok if he gets to sleep before me. the other thing is if he wakes at 4 am and i'm snoring, he can't get back to sleep. we're brainstorming some ideas on that one. which one gets you the most? does he wake you? i wish my H would wear earplugs...

Yep, you're right, Letty, that IS the price he pays for his actions! It just makes me angry to think about all the options he COULD have pursued rather than an affair that would have helpful rather than hurtful to our family! BUT...it is what it is and can't be changed.

And yeah - young love - who knows. DD20 is very mature for her age and is very responsible. I just keep doing my best to educate her on good marriage/relationship principles and hope they stick! As for the age difference - it doesn't matter that much to me. Heck, my Dad is 9 years older than my mom...and I'm older than H by 3 years! H says it isn't the age difference as much as it is the "stage" of life each of them are in that's bothersome to him. I think it's also hard because DD has had a tendency to be the stronger person in her past dating relationships. He doesn't want to see her fall into a pattern. Now that I think about it, it's refreshing that this one doesn't seem to be that type: he seems to be taking care of her more than the other way around.

The sad part is, if the relationship does work out, it's going to be hell for me because he's from the stupid skank's city/state!!! UGH. WHY?!!!!!!!!!

I'll deal with that if we get to that point I guess.

Good for your daughter for being strong!

As for snoring...it comes and goes around here, lol. And yeah - hay fever's the worst! H really does try to help me get to sleep first but as you mentioned, it's harder to go back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night and he's snoring. It's not so much that he wakes me with the snoring; I have a tendency to wake up. Then, the snoring doesn't let me go back to sleep easily. Ear plugs aren't the greatest but they help!

that's right - i forgot about skankytown! lol, well then, the upside to DDs sitch is that you have a whole year not to worry about it! :-D

if you hear about any coping mechanisms for the whole "getting back to sleep thing" let me know :O)