Well in the messages i have read so far, they have been posted by the victims of infidelity. Im not the victim. Im the cause of it.

Married for 18 years. One great boy 10. Lovely family. Met a girl online 2 years ago. Wife found out. Tried and tried of stop it many times. Doesnt seem to work. Love my wife but have also fallen for the new girl. Shes about 8 years younger than wife. Married once but divorced.

Im a jerk! Just cant seem to stay away from the girl. Cant seem to leave my wife neither. I spend nights at out of the house. I return home and wife and i are husband and wife. She hates what i do but somehow we still love each other. Im a total looser i know. I feel horrible. I have tried to end it. Also my girl friend has tried to end it and has pushed me back to my wife. That didnt work either. I have also been telling my new GF that i will leave my wife soon and she has been anticipating but i cant leave the wife or divorce her. My wife is my school sweet heart. So i dont know what to do. Yep i am hopeless case. A failure!


JJ

Welcome to MB, JJ.

Are you looking for help from this board? To do what, if so?

Have you read Dr H's article on how an affair should end?

Affairs are addictions and any sporadic or accidental contact � Facebook contact, seeing her on the street, seeing her at work or even just googling her name will trigger an urge to see her. You must make it impossible to do these things. Physical triggers such as gifts, or love notes will also trigger you to see her.

If you tried to break up with your adultery partner (she isn't your girlfriend) in person, that won't work because an affair is an addiction and direct or personal contact will only feed the addiction, not break it.


By in person I mean any direct communication, phone calls, instant messaging or FB conversation or email is unsuitable.
You cannot end it using direct contact.

You need to write the OW a No Contact letter (we have examples on the site) which you then give to your wife. Your wife will mail it.

You then need to change your contact details so the OW cannot reach you. Change your email and phone and block FB etc.

Make yourself transparent to your wife so you cannot contact the OW (Other Woman). Let her monitor your internet use and phone use so you cannot cave in in a moment of weakness. You will then start withdrawal for some weeks until the addiction is past its worst stage.

Who knows about your A besides your wife?

Does this divorced OW have a boyfriend? Does he know? Does her family?

You will be miserable until you break this addiction.

I disagree with Indie, respectfully. The first thing you need to do is man-up. You are coming across as a whiner with a huge sense of entitlement. You can't leave your affair partner? Are you chained to her? Instead of thinking about what you are doing to your wife and son, AND to this OW who believes your lies. You come here to feel sorry for yourself and we are supposed to soothe your bruised psyche? How about this. You grow a set and own up to your horrible conduct and make a decision, like a man is supposed to do. Is it easy, no, is it necessary, yes. Look at the example you are setting for your son. That it is ok to harm other people, to break your vows, then act as if it isn't something you can control. You can't do anything about your situation, until you can act maturely.

This of course, is true. There is nothing to prevent you from taking strict measures to end this cruel act towards your wife.

Any man who feels strong feelings for someone not his wife should ensure complete and total NC. Immediately.

Only that reassurance will heal your wife.

Indie is aboslutely correct, and following Dr. Harley's advice.

And?

What are you here for?

JJ, why do you call your son a 'great boy'? You must hate the kid pretty bad to be setting him this sort of example for how a man is supposed to act. Please don't sit there and try to [censored] me about how 'great' you think your kid is. I was a guy who got into an affair myself, and sir, I assure you, you cannot [censored] me. You are treating your son with disinterested contempt. When you're shagging the other woman, you're not playing catch with him, watching TV with him, helping him with his homework, playing video games with him, planning a tax-sheltered investment to help pay for his college education, folding his laundry, or doing anything else that suggests you think he's 'great.' Right? So why try to [censored] a bunch of complete strangers on an internet froum where you say you want help? Be straight with us. Be straight with me, if you want my help. (And you'd better want my help, because I've walked in some of the places you've walked.)

Same thing re: your 'sweet heart'. She took your ring. She's been so patient with you. (Too patient. She should've told you what my wife told me on the day I confessed my affair -- see 2nd quote below in red text.) Why have you come to hate her so much that you'd treat her this way?

You really want to end it? Seriously? OK -- then you do the following:

1) Send the other woman a "No contact" letter (you can find suggested text by searching on this site);
2) Identify 7 or 8 people whose opinion matters to you (it can be parents, friends, clergy, bosses) and confess the affair to them and ask their help in holding you accountable.
3) Change your home & work phone numbers & cellphone numbers. Cancel any secret e-mail accounts with your wife standing by watching, change any remaining e-mail addresses to something that your other woman won't know, and give your wife all the passwords to all of these accounts. Begin living with complete transparency.
4) Arrange your life so that you never see the other woman again. If that means quitting this job and getting another, then you do it. If it requires moving to another town (sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't), then you do it.

This is all actually pretty simple. If you're serious about ending it, then you'll do all of the above. And truth be told, it actually works. It worked for me. If you're not serious, then you'll come up with excuses as to why you "can't."

As IndieGirl has explained, affairs are addictions. Once you break the addition, you actually can rebuild love in your marriage & make it better than it was before the affair. But if you stay in contact with the other woman, it's like taking hits off a crackpipe -- you'll never break free of it until your wife has decided she's had enough, or until your son comes to see you for the fraud you are.

The good news is, it's up to you.

If you're serious about wanting to end it, if you've got questions, then ask. I & others here are actually pretty welcoming & helpful to waywards who are genuinely serious about wanting to change their ways & save their marriages & families. If you're not serious, then don't come back here, 'cuz it won't be worth your time, mine, or anyone else's.

Take some time & think about it. Think about whom you want to be looking at in the mirror 3 or 5 years from now. Think about whom your son will see.

He's already worried about the stranger his dad has become isn't he?

Kids see a lot.

Hard to be a dad when you've got your head up your rear end. When all your time is spent breaking his mothers heart or doing the OW.

ACTION not talk.

Would your wife come her to post? We can help her with the ongoing trauma she is experiencing at your hands.

Im goin to End this affair.

HOW? What ACTION will you take?

Are you going to implement GloveOils excellent steps to ending this affair, to the LETTER?

Without any excuses?

You have excellent advisors here, G.O. in particular could be a god send to you, but folks won't post to someone who doesn't seem serious.

What will you do?

Then do so. All of the material and procedures you will need are here on this site. There are step-by-step instructions on how to end the affair, and then you can learn how to rebuild your marriage , if it is rebuildable.

Please send your wife here so we can help her.

This would be a really good idea, IF you are serious.

Here is the deal.

When you end your affair, you WILL go through angst and depression and sorrow and grief. Like a person doing heroin would. OW is your drug BUT she is bad for you and causing your wife and child horrors untold.

You and OW will want to reconnect BUT if you do not allow yourself to give in to your withdrawal of her meeting some emotional needs of yours...guess what......if you have zero contact of any kind.....you WILL one day say "Hey! I am okay! I don't miss her! She really was none of the things I had the illusion of her being! My wife is true love, romance, passion, happiness. Dang, I was delusional in the affair!"

The OW is bad news through and through. She isn't your friend since she participated in crippling your marriage and family. She manipulated you to betray your wife and child. Whether you see it or not. She is selfish, putting her own 'feelings' above YOUR wife, YOUR child. Whatever you think, guess what? She doesn't really give s**t about either of them. They are not real people who matter to her. Even if she herself thinks they do. She has made them not matter by her continued participation in the drama. She is continuing to show she cares more about her own emotional needs than those of YOUR child. YOUR CHILD! Your son who depends on you being a real man to model real actions of real strength for HIM.

Be a real man. Be brave now. Be manly.

Reading,

I ended this affair for afew months last year but went thru serious depreesion, anxiety and ended up with meds. I was wreck. But im realizing over the last 2 days here that shes nothing like my wife. Im lusting after someone that i dont even wanna b with or would hate to be with. Its just lust. Noone is better than my wife. I wanna thank you

Indiegirl im in the process of writing this letter. So i will do it.

GO - u dont have to b so harsh on me. I dont want pity. Just need someone to understand me n help me through it. I need courage. I lack it. I lack the will. Im addicted .... I never thought of it like that. Dont get so angry. Im human n i made a mistake.

Where do i get this courage from? How do i remain strong ?

I will ask my wife to join here

read this page


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Im human n i made a mistake.

Let's get the definitions correct, okay?

Mistakes are the product of inadequate knowledge, and a sub-optimal choice as a consequence of that ignorance. A mistake would be using the wrong fork for the salad course, for example.

Let's examine your "knowledge" base in this case. You knew that marriage proscribes lusting after a younger tootsie, right? You knew that your actions would bring devastating pain to your wife, yes? And you knew your horrid example would warp the view of responsible adult behaviour that your son was developing, also. You have no appeal to ignorance, so a "mistake" cannot be the decision here.

What we do have to manage and correct is monumental selfishness overriding any decency you might have had. It is a desire for cheap SEX, with the attendant ENs, to the exclusion of, seemingly, any other impulse.

Don't get me wrong, here, dude. I'm not condemning you. What I need you to do is admit what it is that must be addressed. When we're all reading the same book, we can then all pursue the same intervention program.

Are you with me on this?

And, oh, yes...read the thread on the "Recovery" board entitled "Recovering so well and now I've done this........" You'll want to avoid in your posts some of the attitudes the initiator has presented.

Courage is not some magic feeling that will come and overtake you.

Courage is in the DOING.

Everyone fears the unknown, but you must ACT in spite of fear. That is what courage is. ACTION.

AND...

What is this "in the process of" when it comes to writing the No Contact letter?

There is no "process", you simply do it.

The letter should not wax on about what a "great person" OW is [she is NOT] or any other such nonsense.

The letter should simply state that you are finished with committing adultery. You love your wife and child, and have acted abhorrently where they are concerned, and deeply regret it. You request NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with OW.

That's it. Cut and dried. Rip the band-aid off.

I'll leave you with some famous words from Yoda: "Do or do not. There is no try".

Mrs. W