As a former BS, I also know that the WS volunteering the information is a huge positive step and one the WS will never again have the opportunity to give to BS.
Horizon, it is only a positive step if the WS does it voluntarily. That won't be the case here. First off, your friend won't tell him the truth so all your efforts will be for naught. He will not know about the affair and your friend will hate you anyway for trying to force her hand. Trying to force her to tell him only complicates an already complicated situation and makes it much more likely he will NEVER get the truth. All your friend has to do is tell her H that you are crazy and have misunderstood the nature of her "friendship" with OM. She will tell him that since you are a former BS yourself, you tend to see boogeymen in every corner. So if you ever do call to verify he will dismiss you as a kook..
Even the most dumbest wayward could figure out how to spin the story so her husband won't believe you. And keep this in mind, who does he WANT to believe?
I adamantly disagree with Jess on this and think it will be a disaster this way. I don't think Jess really understands how devious the mind of a WS is or she would understand this won't work. All you are doing is forewarning your friend so she can better PRE-EMPT you and protect her affair. So all your efforts will be for naught.
Don't make this complicated and harder to inform him. YEs, it is very hard to call up an unsuspecting BS. But it is the right thing to do. Conflict avoidance will not achieve your goal in this situation.
Remember the goal. The goal is to inform the BS. How is the best way to achieve that? Your goal is not to force a wayward to become honest. That is not something you have control over. I would suck it up and focus on the goal: informing the BS in the most effective, efficient way possible.
