No, the purpose is the same for BWs and BH's. The purpose of Plan B is to protect the BS from the drama of the affair. Man or woman.

Scotty, now you're pretty much making my point for me. Dr. Harley suggests 6 months of Plan A for a BH, then Plan B from there for 2 years total. G has done his 6 months of Plan A and then some.[/quote]

He suggests staying in Plan A as long as possible for men. But if the affair has not died in 2 years, it likely won't and it is time to move on.

Neither am I, I am just suggesting that he's getting too close to his court date for Plan B to have any effect to save his marriage.

That's all [/quote]

Well, Plan B won't save his marriage anyway because that is not the point. Divorce is more likely for a MAN in Plan B. He is more likely to save his marriage in Plan A.


It's important to remember that Plan B increases the chances of divorce FOR MEN because being apart causes more detachment. With women it probably reduces the chances of divorce by protecting her mental health.

If the wayward spouse will not totally separate from the lover,

Here is the deucedly difficult part of reforming the emotionally committed WW. With the help of military discipline, it may be inferred that WW here is "separated" from POSOM. WWs, however, have the remarkable (and damnable) facility to act as EN "camels" as regards their illicit loves. Coupled with the equally bizarre WW trend to decide that BH is no longer her best option, can never again be her best option, and having NO male companion is preferable to him being her option, the concept of conducting Plan A until.....what?......just becomes a slog to nowhere.

GJM has shown great resilience in enduring this state of nothingness (as did Stretch123 and others) but people's lives (in the form of years) are passing by while WW rehearses her "Hamlet" persona.

Moreover, if Plan A is to run for 6 months, and the combined cycle for 24, the idea of 18 months of Plan B is...deadly, and certainly approaches the ugly concept of "(the possibility of) marriage at any cost". "Deadly" here would have multiple meanings - practical, emotional, familial, etc.

GJM, an earlier poster asked about your pending D. How does that schedule line up?

Plan A is to run as long as the BH wants it to run. [up to 2 years] So if it is "deadly" to a BH, then he needs to go DARK. It is entirely individual. We had another BH around here who could not stand 4 WEEKS of Plan A and is now poised to go into Plan B once his separation agreement is finalized. He JUST got his WW out of the house. You can't assume that Plan A is "deadly" to all BH's because it is not. If it IS deadly, they need to get thee right into Plan B.

What Harley is saying is that the marriage should be abandoned if the affair does not end within 2 years. He is NOT saying the BH or BW should stay in Plan B that long. That is the limit. Some may decide to stay in Plan B for 1 day. Some may be like me and say to hell with Plan A and Plan B, that is not for me!

Harley is NOT marriage at all cost and he does not offer deadly advice.

Then I guess I stand corrected. Something just doesn't ring quite right with me here, but that's okay as well. Sometimes I tend to look at things from my standpoint and project to others. What I have to remember it's not about me and what I would do. It's about G and his wants.

GJM, sorry for the disruption.

And to add to this, if the affair has died and the WW has not committed to recovering the marriage, then the situation should be deemed hopeless as well.

In the case of a WH, though, if the H does not come back on bended knee immediately, then it is right to Plan B and eventually divorce.

Wes, the reason it probably doesn't seem right to you is because you couldn't do Plan B. I know I could not. But for those men who want to save their marriages, they have a better chance - per Harley - of dragging out Plan A for a while. He has changed his stance on this issue over the past few years.

One thing I've learned about being here, and it's been very valuable, is that it's not just learning the MB concepts, but about yourself as well. I know I'm not capable of doing what G is doing...been there, done that, twice.

My only real concern when this whole thing started was the court date. I know it's coming soon.

Certainly after 2 years I think the WS has made a statement and the BS has endured long enough.

I'm with you ML, I could NEVER do 2 years of Plan A, Plan B or any such combination. But G seems to be doing well.

Let me put this another way because I think I mispoke. A BS can stay in Plan B for 20 years if they want. But the marriage is very unlikely to reconcile if it has not done so in 2 years.

For example, I have been in Plan B with my XH for 12 years now. And I fully intend to keep it that way! But I have absolutely no plans to ever reconcile with him. I am happily remarried.


So I guess I could do Plan B because I am in Plan B with my X. But I have never done Plan A or Plan B with the intention of reconciling.

Can that be any more confusing?

I would think alot of factors influence the BSs ability to plan A, e.g. living together or not, kids or not, active or inactive A, support from family/friends, etc. In some situations I could see doing plan A for a long time. In others I cannot see doing it long at all.

Not confusing....I too meant I could NEVER do Plan B with the intent of reconciling. Not for a day or a week or a year. Certainly not 2 years. I wanted to move on with my life and I am very happy I made that decision. But to each his own.

And just because *I* do not have the personality to do Plan A or Plan B [in the tradional sense] does not mean that others DON'T or that I am better than anyone else. In many ways these folks have a certain strength that I do not possess and I accept that. I know my limits and this is one of them. I have known folks who have waited out an affair for 2 years and have great marriages today. I have great respect for that kind of strength.

The only ones I have a hard time with are those who stay in bad marriages year after year in NO plan. I can see NO benefit or virtue in that.

Right, just like those who DO go to long term Plan Bs are no better than others who make a different choice....such as Plan D and move on.

Agree, agree....

Plan B with no intention of reconciling is just plain unfair to the children if there are children involved. The whole point of it is to protect the love you have left. Is there something your not telling us Mel....???

I understand not having much of anything to do with them but not being able to grin and bear it for a few family occasions etc is just plain bitter IMO

Um excuse me?

She should be in Plan B with her Ex even if only because it's a real bad idea to have an ongoing relationship with someone you have been previously romantically involved with. Bitterness doesn't come into it. It is just a plain bad idea and disrespectful to your current spouse.

So what brings you back here today Vladie - what is your agenda?

Plan B is also good because 8 times out of 10, the ex wayward spouse still tries to actively hurt the BS.

I'm going to jump in here and try to put everything together for everyone. We all agree that the MB concepts can be very successful if followed properly. The intentions here are to help recover a marriage by implementing the tools that are given by Dr H.

MFL is advocating Plan B because he stayed in his Plan A too long. He has already stated this. I don't know you're situation or the things you did daily to Plan A. I don't know how much interaction you had with your W. Every situation can differ slightly. What we all know is that the WS has a script that they follow and they are no different than any other WS that has been mentioned on this site.

That being said, ML is absolutely spot on with what she has quoted from Dr H. He has even told me those exact words. There is no arguing that. To reiterate, Dr H recommends that a BH go no more than 6 months in Plan A if it becomes too much to handle. So if a BH is having a hard time implementing Plan A, Dr H says to stick it out as long as possible. In hearing that, to me it means do what you need to do to get to the six month mark and then go Plan B. If a BH can Plan A longer than six months, then do it.

When I first came back to this site, I struggled immensely. I had a hard time with exposure and my emotions were all over the place. As time went on and with the help of so many members here, I was able to put together a strong Plan A. It has taken a lot of time and effort to get where I am right now. I have learned to adapt to my environment. I guess that's one of the many great things about being a Marine. I have been 2x4d a lot. I stopped complaining as much and put my marching boots on and executed each plan methodically. As with any plan, I've had to make adjustments, but my efforts continue.

I feel great about where I'm at. I've started gaining my weight back. My W has told me I look happier and more attractive. She even said I looked younger. I can't remember the last time I love busted. I never get angry, argumentative, sad or show any negative emotion when my W is around me. I am James Bond's double. When members were first telling to be him I thought they were talking crazy. I thought to myself that there was no way I could be JB with the way I'm feeling. Those feelings subsided and I took control.

ML told me to contact MB Radio and I was able to get through a couple of times. Dr H gave me great advice. I told him I thought I could go longer than 6 months in Plan A and he said to do it. He said that if I could handle it and it didn't cause me any medical conditions or for me to hate my W, I had the best shot at saving my marriage. If there was still an active A, I would have to compete with the OM in order to get her back. Plan B wouldn't allow me to do that. The purpose would be to protect my feeling for my W in the event the A was over and she wanted to recover the marriage. In order to execute a Plan B, a BS must have had a great Plan A. That's where I am. I have spent a great amount of time with my W. We have been spending weekends together and every evening at dinner and after dinner. We have many conversations about topics other than the kids.

My divorce was supposed to be final May 20th. Thankfully I received a letter from the court saying that we have a status conference August 30th. August 29th is our anniversary. It will be a difficult time for me I'm sure. I've seen some signs of remorse this week. Her telling me that she went home and cried because of what she has done to me meant a lot. Telling me that she is learning to forgive herself so that she can ask me to forgive her also means a lot. My W has also said that she knows that no one else will ever love her and support her the way I do and she thanked me for that. She has stated that she doesn't feel like she deserves to be loved and is trying to deal with that. Before anyone says anything, I already understand that none of what she says means anything unless followed up by actions. I don't know if it will be followed up by actions or not. I don't expect it to be. I don't hold on to any of her words unless there is action involved. Don't worry, I'm not regressing. What I do is Plan A, Plan A, Plan A...nothing more, nothing less. I've made it clear that I will not be friends with my W if the D finalizes.

I now have full custody of DS 12. It's been a week so far and I think that will also weigh on my W. I don't think it will be long before DS9 follows suit. Things are moving at a snails pace and I feel like I'm dragging my W to the finish line, but I have no regrets about anything I've done to this point. I will continue to push as long as I can. I don't ask everyone to agree with me, but to support what Dr H has told me to do. After all, it's his concepts. If things were to end right now, I can hold my head high and know that I did everything I could possibly do to save my marriage and still hold on to the love we once shared.

Excellent post GJM!

G, I sincerely hope you don't take my comments as a disagreement on how you are doing things. My primary concern was the court date, and how that might affect the outcome of all this. Obviously, my interpretations of Plan B from the male perspective need more scrutiny.

Really happy to hear about her showing some remorse. Sounds like the closer she draws to the date the more she's reflecting on the fallout of her actions. Hopefully reality is starting to shake her out of this fog she's been in so long.

Again, apologies for the disruption

Carry on 007