That makes sence. Gut, geez, if I was having troubles with my beautiful wife, the last thing I want to do is run out and find another woman.

Here's what they ARE thinking about, 99.999999% of the time:

"Durp durp she/he pays attention to me, durk a durrr the rutting is great hurr hurr I am getting away with this, derp derp..."

I dig the matrix reference. It is like coming out of one world and going into another. Really, it's exiting one culture and becoming a part of another: the culture that has successful marriages. That's the one where the children thrive and the family prospers for generations, too.

Actually, according to Dr. Harley, there's no real evidence that premarital counseling makes marriages any more successful. He says you just can't teach the skills needed until you are married, although I think he says children will pick up a lot of what they need to know from parents if their parents live it.

And some premarital counseling makes things worse, if it focuses on lowered expectations and teaching couples not to expect each other to meet their needs and make each other happy.

In my situation, WH and OW had spent 20 years considering each other unattractive and more like siblings. It wasn't until J, her H and my husbands childhood best friend died that pain and loss triggered romantic feelings.


I imagine its exactly the same as bonding over the pain and loss of betrayal. The other BS is the only other person who gets it. Unbetrayed people are typically clueless as to the level of pain.

They were single when we were all teenagers and never looked twice at each other. She was 'not pretty enough' for his best mate J and my then friend the OW was concerned before our marriage did H 'make enough' to get married?

But that blow to their world made them only want to talk to each other, about J. They built their affair upon his memory, which is pretty sick.

The day after I exposed them I apparently 'ruined' plans for the couple to go release balloons in Js memory.

I am pretty sure that BSs in a RA similarly talk of WSs to each other q often. They talk about the pain and how they don't understand how they can still love them. Very disrespectful to a new love, but the other BS allows it because s/he feels and talks the same way.

Its less a relationship and more a house of grieving and pain, where the crack addiction of an A is on offer.

I think one of the most important boundaries is to never let any person of the opposite sex, attractive or not, comfort you when in pain.

Thats a great question Kilted. I usually wait til the moment is right (such as NOT PMS week) and then let her know. I would say for example "theres a new receptionist on x floor in building x,y,z who was trying to make small talk with me after they called me over to do some sort of building maintenance" and my wife would ask me if she was pretty or attractive and I would respond with honesty and admit it if she was. BUT if I find that I am attracted to her I make a point of being as brief as possible and not build much repor with her and just get done what i need to get done and I tell my wife as such. She appreciates the honesty, but sometimes my honesty gets me in trouble too.

For some reason my wife likes hearing if women are seemingly attracted to me. *this depends on the time of the month though so i have to pick when i talk about it very carefully as my wife is like a guy for the most part until that time of the month (which i keep track of for her and remind her when she my be heading into PMS week which she likes me to do SOMETIMES)... and well .. it can get ugly fast if i am not careful on my wording.

MNG

I basically practice the same as MNG. I am fortunate that there are few women in my workplace and those that are here are, frankly, not attractive to me. There have been a couple of women over the years who have acted in a way that made me think they were attracted to me, and I have let my wife know as soon as I realize it and AVOID being alone with whoever it is. That seemed kind of self-centered early on, and I could never be sure whether I was imagining things or not, but if I ever had any suspicion, I just shared it.

One woman in particular seemed to hover around my desk in the mornings in a job I had years ago, when Prisca and I were newly engaged. I posted pictures of Prisca prominently at my desk and gave the woman "shut down" answers to any small talk she made, and she eventually got the point. She was at my desk talking about the box of breakfast cereal I had one morning, as if it were some deep mystical connection between us or something. (eyeroll)

Other things I would do would be to not dwell on such people (a new habit to build after being single, when every unattached woman seemed like a potential "opportunity" to find the one I was looking for), to keep their bad points firmly in view (cereal box lady had a car full of bumper stickers for obnoxious political causes I did not agree with), and to make myself as unattractive as possible when said people are around. (Let's just say that as a nerd I know how to do this.)

I also wear my wedding ring faithfully. There is a lot less interest in a man who flaunts his marital status proudly. Be careful with this, though; I've seen at least one woman who asked about my wife and kids to the point that it worried me, so I don't even make small talk about my family to women at the office. Waywards bond over talking about their marriages, so just clam up. It's none of their business, anyway.

I also don't look. I have no business dwelling on how attractive a woman is or isn't. I don't need to care what she's wearing or anything else. She doesn't need compliments from me if she's not the woman that God gave me to admire; she'll have to find those somewhere else. And since I know God gave me a male brain that is fueled by female attractiveness, I try to make sure it only gets the appropriate fuel.

Prisca does appreciate being informed by me if I find a woman attractive or a woman seems to act like she is attracted to me.

I was curious .. if any of you were in my situation .. and grandpa wanted to come around with the new girl friend (who is married to the guy his wife is cheating with) Would you condone that? They are both married ... and dating each other. Reason I ask is granpa called me today to say he was in town and wanted to visit with my kids .. and bring his new girl friend over to visit.
HE has been seperated for darn near 6 months and claims that his divorce will be final in about a years time (it cant happen soon enough acoriding to him he is over his wife of 20 years already). He claims this new woman is everything he always wanted... but i hesitate. I dont want my kids to be attatched to this new lady ... she seems nice .. and the good part is even nicer than grandma .. but still .. i hesitate. But at the same time im feeling guilty for some stupid reason for not visiting this new girl friend of his, which my daughter happens to know prior to all this affair garbage that we went through with grandma and grandpa.

So confused right now ... any insight or opinions that are objective would be great ..

MNG ... your post is wayward. WHAT???

How can this behavior be supported at all? Adultery is never okay, revenge or not ... your posting smells sordid.


"Grandpa ... you and your girlfriend are married. This behavior is not accepted in my household and I am not teaching any of my children it is ever okay to behave this way. For now I do not care to meet your girlfriend or any other woman you are dating until

1) You are divorced
2) You go after single women ... not married ones.

Oh i know ... I feel duped by grandpa ... WE endured alot for him and was his sound board with MB(see the last few pages of my thread). WE told him we didnt want to see her .. He insists .. and I beat around the bush today when I talked to him. I did say no ... but I felt so guilty for some reason ... i guess its because i was on his "team" while he was under attack from the affair of his wife. I guess they are all on team affair now... I am sick of the games ... and the drama. I have no normal family members outside my marital home. ... gah ...

MNG ... For the safety of your marriage ... you need to separate yourself from this toxic mess ASAP. Your post is already sounding wayward, and your guilt is not real. It is based on Wayward Grandpa and his wayward manipulation.

Cuts ties to the waywards and up your UA time with your FWW in order to really safeguard your marriage.

Your thoughts are on a slippery slope ... it is time to safeguard your marriage and family.

You are absolutely right ... We have uped our UA time recently .. and then we discussed grandpa at length as to what to do about him. Then questioned my DD14 on what she thinks of grandpa with his new lady (she knew but we didnt get her honest opinion about it til now) .. and she said firstly .."thank you for telling me the truth and making the stand we did against grandma using MB".. and then she said about grandpa that "he is no different now than grandma is because they are BOTH still married!". She then stated she wants nothing to do with either one of them now and she is glad we shielded her from all the drama after the discovery that she was dragged into it by grandma and she apologized for her emotional outbursts during the drama bomb explosion. She says "they are now but distant memories and wishes that they would just go away until they sort out their crap" she says she finally feels at peace with whats gone down .. and that she stopped using facebook now becasue it triggers her to think of grandma and reminds her of adultery (that was the medium grandma was communicating to DD14 about the affair and trying to get her to come live with her by offering to let her move in etc, using horses as the bait and telling her stuff about us to get her to dislike us).

I was so shocked of her reaction to the questions we asked her and so proud too .. she gave me this look like i was some kind of idiot of even entertaining the thought of visiting with grandpa now that he is dating the wife of his wifes adultery partner. She doesnt want the hastle nor does she want to know this other lady at all ... or ever unless they are properly divorced.

MNG

What a wise DD14.

Congratulations for raising a wise DD and teaching her to stand up against adultrey.

That 14yo is incredibly mature, points to her!