I told her Mother. The creeps finance will not talk to me. In fact I tried to call her and she would not take my calls and then she called the cops and said I was hareassing her.

Simon,

Then you have the other affairs you know about to expose, with luck one of the other BHs will go after him. What about OM family friends etc, get on the ball, this fellow needs to be carpet bombed.

God Bless
Gamma

Can you fill me in on the abreviations such as BH etc.

Betrayed Husband- BH

Should I tell my children. 13 ,11, 8 years old?

Yes, of course you should. Go right ahead and explain that what mommy is doing is VERY WRONG.

I have modified my post of 12:19!

Yes, they are old enough to understand something is wrong. Your two oldest and especially your 8 year old may feel they have done something wrong to cause this. They need to know the truth.

Yes. Tell your children. My kids were 14, 12, 10 and 8 when they were told about the affair- you just put it in terms that each age can understand.

Acronyms and Abbreviations

Listen to this radio clip where Dr. Harley explains telling children as young as four.
Radio clip on tellng children

Read this it has everything on exposure including what Dr. Harley says.
Exposure 101

She finally showed a little remorse last week and said she was stupid to be so selfish. She does not want to be intimate with me because she does not feel close to me. The affair went on for more than a year starting in April of 2010. D-Day was July 5th 2011. She has continued to contact him for the last eight months promising me it was over. Just about everybody knows including her mother. I have tried to keep it together but it has been an emotional roller coaster for me. She continues to say she wants to work it out but does not put forth an effort. There have been moments of intimacy but for the most part she has been distant and cold. She tells me she had the affair because I neglected her emotional needs and I did. Now she says she loves me but does not feel close to me. We seem to get on tract and then we backslide. Now that everyone knows what should I ask of her and what should I do.

what is plan A?

Carrot and Stick of Plan A
What are Plan A and Plan B

My friend, this reads like something by Lewis Carroll.

Promising me it was over, she has continued to contact him for the last eight months...

She continues to say she wants to work it out but does not put forth an effort.

There have been moments of intimacy but for the most part she has been distant and cold.

Now she says she loves me but does not feel close to me.

We seem to get on track and then we backslide.

Let me add one for clarity:

She is playing you like a puppet, and you either don't understand, or can't summon the grit to stop it.

Do you comprehend that only one person can halt this farce? Hint: It ain't any of us out here, my friend.

Plan A is burying your on-the-fence wife with EN satisfaction, in effect being the perfect husband to her, regardless of how shabbily she treats you.

It's likely not to work in your situation. She has nothing she needs from you any longer.

You are right. My preacher has been telling me to continue to be the best husband I can be so I have been taking his advice.

You want to make sure you give both the carrot and stick of Plan A. You don't want to just "be the best husband" you can without exposing her affair.

If you do one without the other you will be doing Plan Doormat.

Did you read this? Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Update. I have exposed the affair. She has written a NC letter. We are seeing a thearapist and we are trying to work on our marriage. I am sure she is in withdrawal from the lover. She says she loves me but most of the time she has no loving feelings for me. There have been sparks her and there but for the most part she doesn't have those feelings. She does her best to make love with me but I can tell its a struggle. Any advice on what to expect or how to proceed?

Can you call the coaching center instead? You'll have a better chance at recovery with coaches that have actually saved marriages.

Read this on what Dr. Harley says to expect on withdrawal. Coping with Infidelity: How affairs should end

Thank you for all your advice. After 8 months of hell hoping this will get better soon.