Hi,

I am new here.
We are about 6 months out of my WH affair.

We have had a very hard time. I guess I have been allowing myself to be getting steamrolled by him all over the place. He thinks he has put in a lot of effort. I see some of it, but mostly I have just felt hugely in danger, like he was going to leave again, or start up something else with someone new.

As a result I have been very clingy and anxious and openly upset almost every day for months. Triggers everywhere. It's wearing on both of us and he is voicing a lot of unhappiness about our past, unhappiness about the present. I am afraid to try and talk to him very much because he has been so impatient and angry at me.

He says his main frustration at this point is he doesn't see the bad days ending and me better. he wants the relationship restored and he wants peace in the house, me happy, and the bad times behind us.

So I listen and try to suggest courses of action. he is very negative in return, saying that we already TRIED things like that before the affair and they never worked.

Well they never worked because at that time HE WAS HAVING THE AFFAIR.

Bleh. I feel mad about it, but I am trying to promote some positive course of action.

During the time we have been trying to reconcile, a massive problem for me has been a casual friend of his. For some reason she has been triggering me. BIG TIME. So I asked him to not talk to her. He hardly knows her, he said, so he has been resistent to doing what I ask. He did cut back contact for a couple of months, then he decided enough time had past, so he went right back over to interact with her.

my own thoughts, beyond the very painful triggers and how I feel during and after the triggers, is that he is not all that interested in the woman, he just hates being told what to do and he thinks I am telling him what to do.

On my side, I want her gone forever. It's really getting to me.


The main concern he has expressed, is he thinks I am transferring to this innocent friend of his my bad feelings. He believes if he caves to my request, it is just the beginning of trying to isolate him and very soon I will have more problems with his other friends and my demands will grow and grow.

Well I don't feel that way at all. I don't have any problems with any of his other friends. I never have. I was always HAPPY to see him have a lot of friends.

I don't want to fight with him. This woman is triggering me, though, to the extant that recovery is becoming impossible. And I really do believe he hardly comes in contact with her. It really is a casual friendship, one of those sort of social network things where someone says hi once a month or runs into someone they know and chats a bit, then goes back to other things.

My head knows this, my heart sinks though every time I see the interaction though, and I literally start shaking, my heart pounding really hard.

Help me out please. I really want to manage this, because I think it probably is true. I am 30 years old and I don't want to spend the next 60 years going nutty because some woman says hi to my husband or he chats with a casual friend about the weather.

anyone have some good ideas for this?

Welcome and if you want to truly recover your marriage you need to follow a plan and Dr. Harley has created an excellent proving plan.

Have you read the basic concepts? Do you have the book surviving an affair?
Read this Are Friends a Threat to a Marriage?

Was his affair exposed?

I read the basic concepts, but I didn't see the friends link. This site is BIG!
thank you!

oh, yes. his affair became increasingly obvious and the ow was contacting me all the time to rub my face in it.

One, he just ran off and I didn't hear from him for almost 3 months. He ignored me entirely. Everyone around knew about it. I was too shocked to even care who knew.

Yes it is and all the information is excellent.

Was his affair exposed?

You're welcome.
What are his top EN?

He still sounds foggy. Are you sure there has been NC?

Did he write a NC letter?

Did you expose it to the OW's spouse and family?

He is fully over that affair. He has a lot of disgust for what he did.

He made clear to ow he is done. I believe him.

He believes he is trustworthy now. I think he probably is, but even this small interaction is bothering me considerably. It's like the more upset I get about it, the more he is doing it!

He is insisting the problem is not the friend, but ME. That I am using the friend as a target for my angst.

I said yes I am upset! and please stop talking to her.

He said he was honest with me when he said he hardly has contact with her, so I am overreacting.

I may be overreacting. I feel terrible when it happens.

I wouldn't describe this as a trigger.

See, a trigger is really something that reminds you of the affair after recovery.

You are 6 months post - after he abandoned you for 3 months, and he won't give up a female friend. I'm afraid that's not a trigger in recovery, that's a red flag smacking you in the face that he's still foggy and you aren't in recovery.

MB uses EP's- critical for maintaining boundaries after an affair. After an affair, particularly only 6 months ago and he cruelly abandoned you, female friends should NOT be negotiable.

I think you need to do more digging, I don't think you're in recovery yet.

What EP's has he done?

He still sounds foggy. Are you verifying NC?
It isn't you. It is him still being foggy.

Why won't he stop friendships of the opposite sex if he wants to protect his wife?

Was the OW married?

actually, he disappeared for 3 months.. he finally responded to my email after 3 months. he continued the affair, openly in front of me for another 10 months, then he gradually began to pull away from OW in August of 2010. We reconnected more during those months via phone and email. He was VERY hostile,angry, negative. Then we calmed down and he came back home last September and I have been walking on eggshells ever since

I am afraid that a real ultimatum to him when result in him leaving again. Is there anyway to sort of get him to agree without it being a big confrontation?

Oh dear ellie. I have been down this road and it was not pretty. The good news is that there is hope.

First thing. STOP believing him. Get a keylogger and spyware for his phone. I was shocked to find that what I thought was "small interaction" was actually phone calls six times a day along with dinners, movies, concerts,... I didn't find this out until after it had gone physical.

Your WH puts this friend before you and then turns it around on you. That is manipulative and a huge

Start snooping and find out what you are dealing with.

He says he wants to help me, but he believes I am over reacting.

I told him, and I believe this: I don't think you are understanding.

I think he really doesn't get it.

OW was married. She and her husband are in reconciliation.

Sorry, what are EP?

Dr Harley says that if you don't follow his plan for recovery, it can be disastrous and this is a good example.

Plan A should only be used for a period of 3-4 weeks for women and then if your WH doesn't commit to a plan of recovery (including transparency and implementing Extraordinary Precautions, which he hasn't done) then you would move into Plan B to prevent suffering health and emotional problems which it sounds like you are struggling with currently.

You are clingy and anxious because your WH is continuing the same behavior that got him into trouble in the first place. Then he gaslights you to get you to back off. Big red flags.

Who was his affair exposed to?

Extraordinary precautions, which he has not done.

I think you should move this to the SAA board.

He sounds like he's gaslighting you.

You need to snoop more.This OW2 may be more than casual.

If he still gets angry with you he isn't truly repentant which is a huge red flag.

Also does the BH know that his wife had an affair with your WH?

Ellie, click "notify" to have this moved to SAA.

If this hasn't been exposed to anyone, that's OK but you need to let us know so that we know how to advise you.

ellie. You have already found out that he is capable of looking you in the eye and lying. Given that, why would you trust someone who is blatantly disrespecting your feelings and painting YOU as the problem. What has he done earn this trust you have?

He may say that he is trying to help you but words mean nothing. His actions show that this OW is more important than his wife's feelings.

Again. start snooping and find out what you are dealing with here. This smacks of my own FWH.

wow


I am really new to how to handle this. I didn't know about plan A or B.

He has told me that he is having a problem because all every day is about is me being upset.

I think he has lost goodwill partly because there needs to be a break in the bad days.

I will thoroughly read the plan a and b.

also notified to have thread moved.

What are Plan A and B

Read this.

ellie. You are lucky to have found MB. Yes there is hope to turn this around. MB will give you a PLAN. That is one of your problems...you don't know what to do and don't have a Plan. Your WH seems to be running the show. We can help you change that and give you a good chance to recover a loving and caring marriage.

Stick with us.

i am scared he will decide i am just not worth it. I have goodwill. why can't he see that.

Am reading plan a and b, thanks!