I'm sure you may have already read these letters by Dr. Harley
The Mother In-Law #1
The Mother-In-Law #2

In a perfect world, Mr. XVY would have short-circuited the ongoing nasty-Gram transmissions as part of his spousal duties.

He has not (can not? will not?) done so, so XVY must do what she can to manage this problem.

As far as apologies, well, the Inlaws are also the grandparents of the children whose lives were negatively affected by the infidelities of both XVY and her husband. Whether the "apologies" provided are verbal or behavioural, yes, I think they would want to see from both parties some improvements in their commitments to marriage.

Easter update, I will try to keep it short and sweet but that does not seem to be the story of my life. Saturday night I asked my H if his parents were planning anything for Easter. He said no. I was very relieved to know that I would not even have to worry about it. I should have realized it was to good to be true.

We had already planned on going to my grandparents house (joint agreement that we both felt good about). On the way to my grandparents house my H made a comment about taking some movies back that afternoon on the way to his parents house. I said I thought your parents weren't doing anything?!?! He said they were not doing anything important but they still wanted him and the kids to come over around 5 to see them.

Of course I am crushed because I feel hurt by this. Since we were almost to my grandparents house I did not bring anything up. I did tell my H that I our kids, especially my son did not feel comfortable around his mom and that I felt that our children should get to choose if they wanted to go or not. I left it at that.

On the way home however my anger and feelings got the best of me. I just kept thinking about everything you guys told me. That if my H excepted me and us then his parents should too. I kept trying to say something but I boulder not figure out how to word it without sounding bitter.

I held it un until we got home then I exploded and acted very spiteful (I know, Lovebuster). Not going to give every detail but basically it started out ugly. But then we both calmed down and actually had a great and productive conversation. My kids even got involved and gave there take on everything and really explained to my H the impact that this rift has had on them.

End result,
1. my H and kids did go over with the agreement that he would talk to his parents.

2. My H started the process of talking to his mom. He understands how bad his parents are hurting both me and the kids. He really didn't know how much his mothers actions were still hurting both my son and me.
3. he knows and understands that we are not going to put up with it.
4. He realizes that we are trying to recover our marriage and if they are not on board and as long as we are working on recovery they need to be supportive.
5. I did offer to talk to them, I have done this several times in the past but not since my H and I have been in true recovery mode.

Basically, super long story made short, next time his family has a get together, I want to be part of it. I am trying to heal my family and would love to heal my relationship with them. If they are not on board however, it is going to be their loss.

I hope everyone had a happy Easter. One more baby step in recovery for me, do .I definitely did.

This is not clear to me.

Did you and your H agree that that he and the kids will not go to family get-togethers if you are not invited?

Sugarcane,

Where we have gotten so far is that he is going to talk to his parents and I am even willing to talk to his parents. And yes, I made it clear that I am mo longer going to sit at home by myself when he and my children go over there.

He did ask me what I was going to do if his parents decided not to respect his wishes. First, both my son and I pointed out that his patrents have said that they will support him no matter what he decides and he needs to remind them of that. I also said that if the decide to be hateful and non forgiving then they are risking tearing apart the family and losing their grandchildren.

I'm sorry, fifteen, but that is unclear and I think you know it.

Dr Harley makes it clear that your H should be on the same team as you and should not visit his parents alone if they refuse to see you. If they agree to see you and then treat you badly, then again, together you should should stay away.

That is quite simple, and you are doing all you can not to tell me whether your H has agreed to that.

What does "I am no longer going to sit at home by myself when he and my children go over there" mean? That he and the children WILL go over there when asked, they WILL agree to MIL's demands that you be cut out of family gatherings, and you will find some way to occupy your time with other people?

Or that they will not go over if you are are specifically not invited?

Which one? Please be clear in your answer.

You said "He did ask me what I was going to do if his parents decided not to respect his wishes."

This is NOT standing by your side and saying that if you are not invited they will not see hime either! He is asking you what you will do - dissociating himself from this issue and leaving you to fight this battle on your own!

"I also said that if the decide to be hateful and non forgiving then they are risking tearing apart the family and losing their grandchildren"

The point is that it should not be YOU who is saying this, but he needs to be saying it - to them!

The Harley advice that you have been given on this thread makes it clear that your H needs to take a stand with you, to his parents, on this. If they will not accept you and treat you well at the gatherings, none of the family goes any more. That needs to be his attitude. If that is not his attitude he is not acting as a spouse should.

I think you are afraid to tell him that he needs to do this because you are a FWW and think you have no right to ask him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Even though he is now a FWH - you did it first. You caused this rift and you have to put up with the consequences and not ask H to fall out with his family for you. However, the marriage comes first above other relationships, even with parents, even after adultery, if you want the marriage to be strong.

He has not (can not? will not?) done so, so XVY must do what she can to manage this problem. - NG, 09 April

XVY, I typed that as a subtle spur to get you to see the problem. SC, being much more direct, has laid it out for you.

All past being prologue, the question facing the XVY household right now is keeping a united front and attacking the problem. Yes, I said attacking - not deflecting, not defending.

But you need to own your piece too. RH with your spouse about why his Mom's "MIL-from-Hell" act cannot continue is vital to giving him the fuel and ammo he's going to need. Remember, too, POJA would dictate that no action is taken without the enthusiastic support of both parties. Your non-support of going to visit Dragon-Lady's lair for a serving of abuse should put a stop to such excursions. (Don't even consider the issue of staying home as they go. )

This is exactly right and exactly how I feel (and how he feels). In our conversation he kept bringing up that the reason things are the way they are all started with my infidelity. I did stand up for myself and explained to him that I have changed and am putting the family back together. That is is his mothers hate and resentment that is keeping everyone apart.

I do want my marriage to be strong but a part of me still feels like I have not right to ask certain things. I know I need to work on this because this was a major flaw in our marriage before. I need to learn to stand up for myself!

You are exactly right!

fifteen. Do you have these two items on you and your BH list of EP's? I think they will help to point both of you in the right direction.

PF,

Thank you for your insight. I think I am going to re-give my list of EP's to my H with some additions. The first time I gave it to him, he was in the heat of his own A.

In addition, he has not officially made an actual list of EP's for me. I know, I should have made him do this a long time ago but he just moved back in in February and I have been working so hard on myself that I never really asked him to make an official list.

He has had a really hard time taking accountability for his own actions. While we have had a lot of discussions about it, he still feels that he never would have had an A if I would not have had mine first.

I am just know getting him to read Love Busters with me. I just feel like if I push him too hard, too fast that it will make him go back to square one.

At the same time I do feel that my EP's should be met. He knows this and other than the family issue (which I know is a huge deal) he has been meeting my needs. I know realize just how important this in on both sides of the marriage.

He has actually been reading this thread. I told him a posted on here and he has been reading it. I asked his opinion and he said that a lot of you had valid points but you don't know the entire story. I asked him what part of the story I left out and he did not respond.

fifteenyears, I'm going through a similar situation with my family and WH. I'm curious to know how things are going with you and the in-laws. Have you had a discussion with them and apologized to them yet?

It is very strange that you asked that question because I have been trying to decide if I should write them a letter or try to contact them. I have not had any contact with them since the horrible incident in March.

My H has talked a little to his mother and we have both talked about respecting out marriage by talking to his parents. I have told my H on numerous occations that I want to talk to them or send them a letter.

As mothers day approaches, I grow more nervous having to deal with this issue once again. I know a lot of people on here say that I should stand my ground and say that if they don't accept me then I should refuse to let my family see them. That however makes me feel and seem like the bad guy.

I am going to talk to my H in the next couple of days to see if we can come up with a joint agreement on what to do about this situation.

RQ, may I ask what your situation entails?

Hi, thanks for posting! I wasn't sure if you were still on the boards.
My WH (kiss) has been posting here for advice on our recovery and spoke negatively about my family. My family has also spoken very negatively about him. One of my WH's recovery conditions is to own his choices and consequences and apologize for them. He does not want to apologize and my mother has made it quite clear that she won't accept an apology from him. In the meantime, I have been getting very hurtful e-mails and texts from my family that are making me feel bad for even wanting to recover a marriage with my WH. I feel like I am i the middle and am being told that I have to choose my family (who has supported me through this whole ordeal) and my WH (who has caused this whole ordeal).

It sucks.

RQ,

I have read bits and pieces of both your and kiss's stories. I an going to read more when I get a chance.

It is nice to hear a similar situation from the other perspective. The biggest difference is that I did apologize right away but they felt it meaningless. In all honestly, at the time it probably was. I think my initial apology was more from guilt than remorse.

Now however I want to apologize more than anything but my in laws want nothing to do with me. In addition I am not going to lie, I feel a lot of resentment towards my in laws on how they treated me on st. Patricks day.

But hearing your side of things shows me how torn my H is with the entire situation. In respect for you and your children both your family and H need to try to forgive and heal....for you!!

15, I don't know if kiss would have apologized to begin with. I had hoped that he would "man-up" and speak to them in time as you did. Now that doesn't seem a possibility. They are all very stubborn people!

I was told to focus on the marriage and not to let my family be a distraction. But it has been really difficult because I am very close to my family. As if I haven't had enough to deal with these last 6+ months??

"Here, RQ, since you haven't had enough pain and heartache to deal with, I'm gonna beat you up for wanting to work on your marriage and make you feel guilty for our hurt as well. How do you like them apples?"

sigh...

RQ,

That's why you need to either jump all in and work on your M and tell your family that the way they can support you right now is to back off.

Plan B kiss or Plan B your family(for now).

You need Plan RQ (which is MB (BTW).

RQ,

Have you expressed to your family how much it hurts you and how torn you are by their actions? I know this is hard because my H actually told me that it was hard to stand up against his parents bitterness towards me when he has the same bitterness inside at times. In reading your post it seems that you cart this same bitterness and resentment toward your H. I understand this but I also know how much it hinders your marriage and the healing process.

My response was along the lines of what BH said, if you don't jump in with both feet and stand up for your marriage no one is ever going to heal.

My H and I are a still a work in progress. And although we are nowhere near where I want to be with the family issues, he is starting to tell his mom how her actions are affecting our family...my kids particularly.

Be honest with your family and H on how their actions are affecting you and your children.

Thanks 15! I think we were on the right track until kiss posted here and they didn't like what he said about them. I did let my mom know yesterday that she was hurting me so we'll see.

And sorry for the t/j. Keep me posted on your situation!



PS. Oh! I e-mailed the radio station about this. I'll let you know if I hear anything

Good RQ let us know. I always listen but you already knew that.