I have no idea what to do. GF is adopted after her birth mother was killed in a car wreck when she was very young. Her adopted mother is the only one she has ever known and has always been her lifeline to any sorts of a family or identity.

Last year she had a lumpectomy and I thought that was that. Well, they REALLY wanted to do a mastectomy, but her mother's family and friends convinced her she didn't want it and she would be "less of a woman". Heck, she's 65 years old. If I was 65 and to save my life, I'd have to give the boys up, all I'd say is when do we cut them off, I ain't using them anyways.

Anyways, the cancer returned with an aggressive vengeance. She had to have a double mastectomy and they took lymph nodes for pathology. She still has stage one in the lymph nodes and will need chemo.

This time GF didn't fold up like a cheap lawn chair in a tornado. We were in the middle of having to move when she got the news and left me to take care of it solo while she supported her mother for the surgery. In fact I encouraged her to go. Her mother would need her.

Her mother had side effects to the pain killers and GF had a tough time dealing with her mother's aggressive attitude and she would call me in tears. I just consoled her and told her she's doing a great job. Just hang in there, it will get better. She will heal and thank you for caring for her.

Well, the pathology came back. Cancer in the lymphatic system and GF is stoic in front of her mother and she calls me in tears several times a day. I just tell her she is doing a great job helping her mother and nobody on this earth can do any better. She is beyond afraid she is going to lose her mother. I'm afraid she's right, but I just tell her that things are much different now and the treatments have a much better success rate.

She knows I've been through this with my father. It ended badly with my father suffering terribly. He begged me for his pistol so he could end it himself and I refused. I still blame myself for allowing him hurt so bad. GF knows this and thinks I'd be up front with her just just how bad it can get.

After a month away, GF is returning to get her summer clothes. I do believe she is planning on staying for the long haul or all the way to the end, even if it's years. GF is under the impression it will be either a complete remission in a few months or the unthinkable loss of her mother.

No matter what, eventually she will lose her mother as we all have only a limited amount of time here. GF and I both know this first hand, however I have come to grips with mortality some time ago where she can't really process the concept.

She says that I'm her only support in this as her brother and sister in law haven't even come to visit and they live really close. GF had to travel all the way to Mississippi from Atlanta.

I know what's coming, but I just keep telling her she's doing a great job and I am here to listen. There is nothing more I can do. And yet again in my life I am a spectator in tragedy and I am powerless to prevent it.

She doesn't deserve to watch her mother like this. She didn't deserve her stroke. She didn't deserve to lose her original family. She is benign and harmless.

My XW is a wicked adulterous murderous self serving harpy, yet she gets rewarded for it and heaped with successes.

Don't worry about the XWW! She has NO space in this situation!!!

This is about your current GF and the loss of her "mother". Birth mother or not, this is the woman who raised her. HER MOM!

She has been given the gift of some time. Some to time tell her mom how much she loves her, how much she means to her & what she has learned from her. To correct any misunderstandings and/or family disputes.

PLEASE encourage her to use this time wisely! It will make all the diffeence in the world when her mom leaves.

(((((Pariah)))))

Pariah,
You are doing all you can do, you are holding down the fort at home and you are supporting her emotionally, that is worth more than gold at a time like this.

I understand your comment about your XWW...my XWH seems to be doing okay too while I've had one thing after another. The karma bus isn't all in yet, and really, they are nothing to us anymore, whether they're doing great or doing horrid, that's up to God or fate or whatever. Try to focus on your own life, not XWW, you'll feel better for letting her go completely.

(((Pariah)))

I understand the helpless feeling when you see things happen to people that they just don't deserve.

That being said, these things aren't right, aren't good, but they just ARE. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is accept that it just is what it is and move forward, doing the best you can with what you have.

You are very sensitive toward creatures that are wounded and hurting, whether it be animal or human, and that makes it much harder to accept things that are so wrong.

I do understand what you are going through, having nursed my father while he died of cancer, watching my brother die at the age of 44 of cancer, and watching them suffer so terribly. We had to get rid of my Daddy's guns, it is terrible to see them suffer so much. My mom died in my arms, of cancer. I have watched my youngest son go slowly downhill and lose a little bit more of himself the last 4 years with a very rare cancer (sarcoma) that only 12 people in the world have at this time.

He has survived longer than anyone the doctor's have treated so far, and is going through courses of a trial chemotherapy at this time. He is a good kid.

My ex brutalized myself and my children. He died in 2000 and I still hate him for ruining my oldest son. I will never forgive him for what he did to my boys. My oldest son is doing 12 years in prison for violent crimes and I am helping raise his son.

I have watched the evil ones succeed in life and cannot understand why such good people suffer, or why I cannot find a job with a college degree because I am in my 50's. It is a mystery to me.

I suppose the reason for my telling you all this is to say that you are not alone in your suffering for others. No, your GF did not deserve what has happened in her life, and neither did you.

The great thing is that you have never lost your integrity or empathy for others.

I try not to even give room in my brain to the evil ones. You are doing the absolute best thing for your GF by holding down the home front and letting her cry on your shoulder. This is her mom's 'time' and it is awesome that you are helping her be with her mom at this time. She should cherish every day she has with her.

You are a very special person Pariah, and your GF is very fortunate to have you. Look at the blessings you have every day. What a blessing you are to her!

Our exes aren't worth the space they take up in our brains.

I try to wake up in the morning and look at all the good things in my life. If I dwell on all the things that have gone wrong I think I would go crazy.



Miss M

Miss M, you are truly inspirational to me. You must be tough as whip leather!

I have been put though many terrible things and I can handle pretty much anything, but GF absolutely does not deserve for her life to be just one Greek tragedy after another. She deserves happiness and success.

I will be her beacon of hope in this as hard as it is going to be to watch. I can take heartache, she can not.

On a lighter note she called me and asked how much trouble I am getting in to. I told her I committed the worst sin there is. I am allowing the c0ckatoo to fly free in the house. She chuckled at that because she will fuss at me for allowing Roxy to fly through the house as she will land on something and start munching it.

This is what KC and I were talking about last week, how life seems unfair many times. Miss M, I was deeply touched by your post. Here you are, still remaining strong with dignity and love. Thank you for the inspiration!

MS

Thank you Pariah and milkshake.

I have been through really tough times, but try to count the blessings! And yes, I am tough as an old boot!

Pariah, your GF has you, and even though life is not fair at times, at least she has you to lean on, and that, my friend will get her through the tough times like now.

Give her things to laugh at like Roxy flying free in the house! LOL!

I have an owl picture that a wildlife photographer took, that none of us can identify around these parts, I tried to post a pic to your last thread, but am not good with the URL thing on this board.

However, you are in the SE and I am in Eastern Washington, so I don't know if you could have identified it for me. Alas, we don't know what it is yet.

Take care Pariah, this too shall pass.

How IS Roxy anyway? And how old can those birds get?

Roxy is great. She can live over 80 years.

Tabitha just called me and told me I have done more for her than any man would ever tolerate.

She has arranged for her son's father to come and pick him up and she will be back in two weeks to get her things.

She is moving in with her mother for the long haul. She and I have always been friends and always will be friends. We know each other so well that we are like brother and sister. She was better to me in five minutes than my wife ever was in 12 years.

One day she might be back again, who knows. I only wish her the best and hope she can find happiness as she is going to experience sorrow like she has never known. When she calls for that time, I will comfort her to the best of my ability.

She is very fortunate to have you. A good friend, whether in a relationship or not, is the most valuable thing one can have.

Miss M, I agree with the others, you are inspirational. I feel the same way, I have been through a lot in my life, and have learned to take a pragmatic view of things, what is, is. We change what we can, we accept the rest. Life, unfortunately, certainly is not about "fair". We aren't all given equal footing at birth...some are born in third world countries into poverty and starvation. Some here in the USA. Some in rich families, some in poor ones, some in healthy families with lots of love and nurturing, some are ill equipped by their parents and not even given the most basic upbringing. It goes on...some get hardship and disease, some infidelities and divorce, others get wonderful marriages and appreciation. Some great jobs, others out of work. Some wonderful homes, others foreclosures. Some lose their spouse or children prematurely, others get to keep their families to a ripe old age. Some die instantly, others suffer to death, lingering over years. Nothing about life seems equal or fair, we can only do the best with what we have. We cannot always change or control our circumstances or what we're hit with, we can only control our response to it and what we do with it. It seems, however, that some of those hit the most with hardship, are the ones that develop character and wisdom over the long haul, and that is the silver lining to the cloud.

Very beautiful and thoughtful post, KC.

(pariah)

I think it is wonderful that your GF is able to be with her mom and help care for her at this time.

I know you will support her and have her back 100%.

And I am happy that she gave you a lot in return.

So many good things have come to both of you with this relationship.

Best wishes to you!

Miss M

I spoke to her today. She is coming home in a few weeks to get her summer stuff to help her mother through the reconstruction. Her mom is weak and in pain, but wants to be independent. GF is making sure she doesn't injure herself.

She's doing a great job.

Also, GF is straightening out her stolen identity by the illegal mexican next week while she's there. She has all her documentation in order. The illegal stole her adoptive name and her SSN. The attorney suggested she use her original name and GF flat out refused as to her it will be losing the only family she has ever known. I admire her tenacity. Its the one fight in her life that she refuses to lose. She has lost all the others, but she is going to fight this one to the bitter end.

Good for her. My H had his ID and SSN stolen when he was in Canada many years ago.

Turns out H had to prove who HE was, it took 2 years and they had to re-issue a new ssn for him. The guy got away with it, and the burden of proof was on my H. His BC had his dad's name wrong and it was a nightmare getting all the proof.

Best of luck to her, it can be very hard, but can be done if you have all the proper documentation. My H had no hospital records and a very sketchy work history because he is a musician. It was very tough.

She will get it straightened out if she has all this stuff. We even had to come up with elementary school and HS records! We ended up having to get notarized statements from family and childhood friends. It was nuts.

Miss M

When I was married to John, he had an affair with a white supremest (great choice) and she stole my identity. I was fortunate in that he told me right away and I was very proactive. It is a tremendous amount of work! Personally, I think they should throw away the keys with anyone who does that, but she never had any repercussions.

Why not just kill them and collect your own insurance? Or would that be considered suicide? It's all so complicated and confusing!

That's funny...it might be hard explaining how you're dead and alive at the same time.

Unless you then stole the identity of a near-relative, of course...`

The vulchures are circling here at work.

I have a woman flirting with me.

No. Absolutely not. I am not a meat covered prize.