How old is this OC?

I don't know that there's NOTHING here to save, but it is going to be extremely difficult. Are you ready for that?

Plan A is extremely difficult. None of here would fault you if you decided to give up. THing is, we won't stand by and watch you be emotionally abused either.

Take a trip to your doctor's office and get some ADs. That may help. THen, if you can manage, I would Plan A for about a week. Then, I would suggest you enter PLan B.

x2

alis,

I have gotton 2 big let downs this week. Him coming to me and wanting me to know how much he loves me and cares, asking to fix things, asking and asking. I have tried so hard.

I can't look at him right now. I can't even bring myself to be able to speak because there is such a big lump in my throat and such a hole in my heart. I can't do Plan A.

the child is 1 month old.

I don't blame the baby.

WH and I talked yesterday and agreed to take each day one at a time. He told me how much he wanted to be here for me and asked that we have peace between us in order for our relationship to bounce back. He wants to recover it.

I wanted to, also. But I feel so incredibly disrespected.

And get this. This blows my mind: facebook girl is his friend and is OW FRIEND THIS MORNING TOO.

So somebody tell me what is going on, but I can barely contain my anxiety and upset.

How long have you and your WH been married? How long did you date? How old are the two of you? I have a bad memory sometimes, and these things have slipped through. I tried to re-read your thread to find the answers, but I couldn't. Are you both in your 30's?

If so, keep a low profile and prepare for Plan B quickly. It takes at least 48 hours prep and and you need to do it right. A bad Plan B with holes in it is worse than none at all. Read the link in my sig to prepare.

Do you have it in you to give him the basic MB conditions he must agree to? I put them on your thread a while back.

I would give them to him in a letter format and tell him he has 'very limited' time in which to decide whether he wants a true marriage or not.

Then just keep calm, dont engage in silly conversations and stay looking good until you can get into Plan B.

He is 35, I am 30.

We dated 2 years before getting married. We got married, then he had the affair 6 months later beginning around Jan 2010

It took about 5 months for me to catch on that it was probably an affair. I confronted him in late June 2010. He waffled around until the beginning of July. OW made a game of contacting me and rubbing my face in what they were doing.

He was MIA about 3 months. I keep trying to contact him to sort things out, but he refused a response. I was in a terrible state and I kept trying until he finally responded in late October.

So we started some email. I loved him, of course I wanted him to come home. He wouldn't, but I held in there. We talked more, and I was hopeful. Then OW kept saying things to me and some of the betrayals were so bad. I confronted him this time last year and he went dead quiet.
I attempted to talk but he told me I was so angry it scared him and he would never come near me again.

So I went quiet, too. 6 weeks. He started poking at me, seemed a lot calmer and we began to talk again. We had drama over the summer, OW still at me. I went quiet a few more times, for 2-3 week periods, because he would give me the silent treatment. I couldn't deal. I felt too hurt to start a divorce.

After that, he started being more careful about not pushing it so I hard that I disappeared.

He came back in October, then in late October facebook girl showed up and got on my radar. His explanation is he just wants to have friends and socialize.

He claims that it is my upset that is generating the continued problems and basically I am being unfair to him and trying to control him when I complain about facebook girl. I have tried to take that on and stop the LB on my side. Even before I found MB.

As near as I can tell, things go fantastic as long as I put on blinders and never bring issues to him. From his perspective the problem is not his actions, but that I complain and it is "drama".

I have come at this stuff every way I can. I say please, I say thank you. I say awesome. Then I start getting upset. I ask and ask and ask, offer tradeoffs and compensations. I try to do the things he asks of ME. I really do, I am not just saying that.

I think he believes I am a doormat.

What do I do? the only thing that seems to effect him is if I pulled out and disappear 2 weeks. How does that help? Do I just need to do it longer?

Indie, I am not sure he is stable. Trying to talk to him today and he was frustrated and impatient. He then tried to apologize because his head is so messed up. I honestly think he is so unstable that anything he agrees to is not going to stick.

I guess leading a hidden life does that to a person.

Plan A for a week, at most, and then enter Plan B. And this time, when you go dark on him, you won't come out again until he is willing to meet ALL of your conditions.

You have a relatively short marriage, and one with an OC. Have YOU spoken to OW's H yourself?

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a marriage which is not. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OW for life - send her a letter that we write together and is mailed by me

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords, email passwords, finances etc. Swap phones with me whenever I request.

4. No more opposite sex friendships

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

7. No more personal online accounts to prevent interactions with women online or through online games


This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and enthusiasm to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back from me, as these precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that you are capable of making amends to me, ending all secrecy and restoring my trust.

----------------------------------------------------------------

If you really want to spin his head around, I wouldn't tell him what you know, just that you 'know' things.

I would say that you have recently uncovered new information concerning his infidelity. Tell him you wish him to come completely clean about the secrets he has withheld.

If he asks you what you know/how you know, decline to reveal anything and say he already knows what he has been hiding from you. What you want is a full and frank admission about all his secrets to consider remaining married to him. Say there is a deadline looming (but dont tell him when it is). And that you love him and he'd better get cracking. Ask him to write everything and every woman down on paper.

That's common, so you would need actions.

I.E. Instead of agreeing to a poly, he would need to actually DO it. until then, you arent convinced.

Important, as you should expose while you are still in Plan A.

Also copy all the OWs friends and family on FB into a word doc and save it in case they block you.

Scotland I haven't talked to OW husband.

Thanks for the list again, Indie. tbh, I don't think I matter that much to this man. I don't see how I could matter with the ongoing destructive path he keeps following.

and you guys are right, it's a relatively short term marriage.

I don't feel safe in hoping it will sudenly get better and stay that way. I don't believe he will ever be what he should be. Not after this.

His opinions/feelings/value of you matter not one jot.

Do it for YOU. State your standards and your price to remain. If he doesnt have the morals you require and cant afford you, then thats his problem.

Most importantly you will know, should you go to Plan B, that you TRIED. There is a lot of time for regrets of things you didnt try in Plan B. You need to think 'his fault' not 'I shoulda' in Plan B.



MBers NEVER 'hope'. They state their boundaries clearly and leave if they are not met. Dont hope. Act.

Indie, I will state the boundries and act.

I can do that. I am pretty sure I will end up leaving. I guess I have to face up, like so many people, that while I love, I am not really loved in return.
I have been denying it and denying it to myself because I was a coward.

Don't be silly chick. You were gaslighted, like everyone else, including me. Also NO ONE is really loved by a wayward, not even the OW. Waywards only care about having their needs met in whatever cheap easy way they can.

It doenst mean you were not loved in the past, and it doesnt mean he isnt able to come out of the fog in the future. Anythng is possible so while you shouldnt hope, be prepared for anything to happen. good and bad.

thanks girlfriend. I am re-setting expectations.

WHY NOT??? Does he think he is this child's father? Is he aware that he is not?

ellie, you need to make sure that your H submits to a DNA test immediately. The child may not be his. Why is he paying child support? I may have missed a post - I'm missing where your H thinks he's the father of a child who is the product of an affair with a married woman.

I don't know why he does. I only just found it out. In order to ask him those questions, I have to tell him I know because I found it out off of the keylogger.

They were discussing he was the father. He sounded like he knew it and has known of the baby coming for months and months.

In order to talk to him I have to tell him I know and I am sitting here scared to do much of anything. I feel numb. I am thinking about just getting up and walking out the door without another word.

I get that the reason probably that we have not been able to recover is this secret looming over us and his lies to conceal it. I don't know what to think or feel or what to do right now.

I am afraid.. ok I am scared of the conflict and being lashed out at. I know this needs dealt with but I can't do it tonight.

First you should get in contact with the OW's husband. Then you could tell him about this, and HE could raise the issue.

You would not have to give up your source in that case.