I discovered 5 days ago that my husband has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker, for 5 months. I sent an email to OW saying I had discovered the affair, when he was reluctant to do so. He has now committed to ending their non-work contact, and has sent the ending letter to OW with my approval. He says he loves me and is committed to making our marriage work. He has had no further contact with her. However, neither of them can leave the workplace yet, nor for several months. They do not work closely together, but are likely to see each other every three or four days in the course of their workday.
My husband is having extreme difficulty getting closure. He has two key questions for his lover, why didn't she break off with her long distance boyfriend during their affair? And was she truly in love with my WS, or just infatuated/stringing him along? I understand his need for closure, but I can not endorse his idea that he should meet with her to ask these questions. Is there some other way he can ask her these questions that will not joepardize our marriage? Perhaps a meeting with a therapist present, or a telephone call?
I want to help him, but can not encourage contact.

I suggest you read Surviving An Affair.

You are making several critical mistakes here. First of all, your husband will always continue an emotional (if not physical) connection for as long as he continues to work with her. He or she must quit. It's not an option.

Second, WHY are you encouraging him to seek "closure" with his affair partner?? He is MOCKING you in your face by wanting to ask her such questions. You are encouraging your husband to seek a further emotional connection with her and wondering if it will jeopardize your marriage?

Third, you assume this is an emotional affair and you seem to believe what your husband is telling you. That is a fatal error. Your husband is almost certainly lying to you.

He is still extremely foggy and very wayward ... which makes him dangerous.

He is madly in love with her, and it is likely physical.

The reason she never broke it off with her boyfriend is because she is a freeloader and skank wrapped up all in one. She was just using your WH, and unfortunately he fell in love.

He cannot ever see her again. The chance this heats up is quick, and if you want to save your marriage he has to go No Contact for life.

He needs to find a new job immediately. Your marriage will not survive any contact.

Get your Plan A going immediately. Meet all his EN's and immediately work to get him out of that job.

Part of Plan A is Exposure. You will need to expose to his work (bosses, colleagues, her bosses, her colleagues, her family, her boyfriend, her friends, WH's family and friends.)

That will be the only way to end this sordid adultery once and for all.

1) No Contact for Life
2) Radical Honesty
3) 20+ hours of Need meeting (intimate EN's)

EXPOSURE 101

This article by Dr. Harley is almost identical to yours.

The WH works with his OW and they continue their affair.

Please read and ask questions.

I'm sorry for the reason you find yourself here but you can recover your marriage. How to Survive an Affair

You should tell him that he will be getting no "CLOSURE". "Closure" is a manipulative ploy of the wayward to resume contact. Usually with the endorsement of gullible betrayed spouse.

See, "closure" means you END CONTACT, not that you resume contact. So it is silly to suggest that one "CLOSES" by opening that door. Tell him this won't happen. It is not even negotiable.

And secondly, your marriage will never recover as long as they continue to see each other at work. This is like the alcoholic going to the bar 3 to 4 times a week and having drinks. All you have done here is change the name of his affair to "business" contact, but the outcome is the same. If an alcoholic changes the name of his drinks to " business drinks" he will still be drunk,

The way to help him is to DEMAND there be no contact for life. If he will not end contact for life, then you need to separate from him because he will cause you enormous mental and physical damage by abusing you in this manner.

He needs to leave that job, catwhit. Can he go to his boss, tell him about this affair and ask for a transfer?

Seriously? He's cheating on his wife and he wants to know why his lover wasn't exclusive to him? Unbelievable.

Listen to the folks here.

He is telling you his wife, that he wishes his mistress had been more in love with him?

That he wants to have a cosy tete a tete with her to discuss his endless love with her in more depth?

You must hardly be able to breathe for the pain.


What if he were to actually do this foolhardy thing and skankho responded "Well I could say the same. Why didn't you end things with your wife? Were you in love with me or just infatuated? Prove yourself to me and let's dump our other halves! I've been pining for you too, schmoopie."

The problem is the A addiction to his cheapo mistress is triggered multiple times a week when he sees her at work. Its like pouring whisky in front of an alcoholic and expecting him not to drink.

Your husband is half a hairs breadth from taking that drink, with or without your permission. You see his desperation and it has made you desperate in turn.

If he cuts all contact ASAP he will get through the withdrawal period.

If he were through withdrawal he would not be repeatedly stabbing you in the back with his cruel pinings for a POSOW.

Its withdrawal, you need - not 'closure'

You need exposure to jolt him out the fog and into reality. Read Exposure 101

This.

**edit**

Your WH's silly questions are the result of his continued existence in a fogged-out state of waywardness. We have a whole thread devoted strictly to the idiot things that waywards say because they're so common. And they're all hurtful to the BS who has to hear them.

This has to end. Unfortunately, you're allowing the one thing that will guarantee it to continue: their continued employment together at that job.

That won't work, cat. Your WH will be in a perpetual state of fog if they continue to work together. He will be triggered every time he sees her. YOU will be in a constant state of worry and stress, each time he leaves for work: you will wonder, "Is today the day the affair reignites?"

Question: if you knew for a fact that your husband's work building was going to blow up one day next week, would you risk letting him go on Monday? Tuesday? ANY day? You are risking the explosion of your marriage in the same way if you permit their continued contact at work. And they WILL be in contact. It's like that for waywards. They're addicts, and the other person is their drug. They won't be able to resist getting their 'fix'.

Also?

The word Lover implies romance or intimacy .

This is not what an affair partner is. An affair partner is the person who willingly helps him attack his marriage and family. That's not a loving action.

There's a huge difference between 'help' and 'enable', cat

WH: I want to do something massively damaging that will shred our marriage beyond all repair and likely restart an A, for 'closure' ok?

An enabler says: "OK, you're scaring me to death and I'm frozen with fear so I'm going to hold my breath and hope."

A helper says: "No way, buddy. If you want to hurt our family I'm not going to help. Ill help you rebuild the marriage. That's all I will do."

Catwhit, this sounds exactly EXACTLY like me during my affair. I said I wanted closure too, and begged for it like a drug addict on crack.

I'm guessing if you expose (did you read Melody's Exposure link yet ??), she will throw your husband under the bus in the blink of an eye.

From your husband's comments, he loves or is in love this woman. I'm sorry. As a wayward myself, I can tell you that every time he even sees her car in the work parking lot, he is going to want her. It really IS that serious.

Does he have a previous history with this woman ? Is she an old girlfriend of his ?

I do not know the pain of being a betrayed spouse like you. But I can help you with the wayward mindset. Glove Oil is the best, and a man, and fully recovered. I am a woman and only 6 months past d-day.

Sorry you are here.
FF

Thanks, all... I have taken to heart all your advice. Special thanks to Glove Oil... Now get out there to those batting cages....
WH has agreed that he needs to get away from this job. We are in the process of getting him set up in the next job. Likely some salary loss, but big marital payoffs...
Huge relief for me...

Keep us posted on this, cat. Don't let him drag this out over the course of months. That would be poison for your marriage. We've had too many posters here who lost their marriage because the WH and OW continued to work together. My sitch was the same: my husband had an office affair. He says that there was NO WAY he could have ended it with her if her husband hadn't made her quit the job. He was addicted. He thought they could still sneak around.

Uh cat it sounds very much like you aren't going to expose and he isn't going to quit his job right away?

He is DAYS away from resuming his A if he has not already.

What snooping are you doing?

And how are you handling the "closure" ploy? Did you put a stop to that crap?

With further discussion, my husband agrees he must leave the job. He contacted a former boss (same company, other side of the continent) to persue a job offer that was offered a few weeks back (lateral move, likely reduced pay.) I listened in on WH's discussion with former boss. This is a definite go ahead. WH explained he was doing this to save his marriage, though did not exactly openly say it was an affair.
Ironically, former boss had jokingly asked WH a few weeks back if he had a girlfriend, as WH has recently lost 30 lbs, bought new clothes, etc. I will be writing former boss to reiterate urgency.
WH will be away on business (out of the country, but also nowhere near OW) for next two weeks. By the time he gets back, new job should be in place.

I discovered affair 6 days ago while WH and I were on vacation. I have been with WH 100% of the time since, and WH has been working through steps with me to end affair and fix our marriage and, now, relocate. However, I will not be able to go on this trip with him and I am concerned about his mental state for two weeks while I will not be in his physical presence.

OW and WH do not work for the same company. OW's company is an engineering firm working on WH's company's mega project. WH has an office in the offices of OW's company. But I have no contacts in OW's company.

I have not exposed to WH's company, because we need them to okay the job transfer for WH's move across the country.