She was out of work for over 2 months which only caused more depression do to the reasons she was out of work.

But POSOM had attempted contact during the 5 year break buy dropping notes on her car at work. And eventually �running� into her at a local store.

My wife and I believe it is a strong possibilty that he may try to contact her at work, either in the parking lot, or by calling her work. Considering his past obsession with my wife, I believe it is more of a when then if. At this point her changing jobs is impossible due to her mental state, we have talked about moving but that also needs to wait.

I will not explain why my wifes childhood is important you just must understand that it is.

I appriciate all of your help, and hope to hear from some waywards about their experiences and advice.

. I will not explain why my wifes childhood is important you just must understand that it is.

As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client.

In your situation, I strongly recommend that you not waste your time talking about the past. And don't try analyzing your husband. I know that his affair was a terrible shock to your system, and you want to feel closure. You have been terribly disillusioned by what he did, but the best you can do under the circumstances is look to the future instead of the past. Don't discuss the past with your husband or anyone else for a while, and see if you don't agree with me that it helps improve your relationship and it also causes you to be more relaxed. Focusing on the past causes depression, while focusing on the future with an eye to making it successful causes optimism and gives you energy.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2413831#Post2413831

"Some counselors think it's a good idea to "resolve issues of the past" by talking about them week after week, month after month, year after year. It keeps these counselors in business, but does nothing to resolve the issue. In fact, it usually makes their poor clients chronically depressed.

My experience as a Clinical Psychologist has proven to me that dredging up unpleasant experiences of the past merely brings the unhappiness of the past into the present. The problems of the present are difficult enough to solve without spending time and energy trying to resolve issues of the past, which are essentially unresolvable. You can make your future happy, but you can't do a thing about bad experiences of the past, except think and talk about them -- and that makes the bad experiences of the past, bad experiences of the present." Dr. Willard Harley

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

One of the reasons I'm not so keen on dredging up the past as a part of therapy is that it brings up memories that carry resentment along with them. If I'm not careful, a single counseling session can open up such a can of worms that the presenting problem gets lost in a flood of new and painful memories. If the goal of therapy is to "resolve" every past issue, that seems to me to be a good way to keep people coming for therapy for the rest of their lives. That's because it's an insurmountable goal. We simply cannot resolve everything that's ever bothered us.

Instead, I tend to focus my attention on the present and the future, because they are what we can all do something about. The past is over and done with. Why waste our effort on the past when the future is upon us. Granted, it's useful to learn lessons from the past, but if we dwell on the past, we take our eyes off the future which can lead to disaster.

I personally believe that therapy should focus most attention, not on the past, but on ways to make the future sensational.

I appriciate all of your help, and hope to hear from some waywards about their experiences and advice.

No, I would not understand. Skidoo, if you had any idea of the sexual abuse I endured as a child, you might understand why I give absolutely ZERO credence to your WW's attempt to blame her ADULT ACTIONS (that she chose) on childhood victimization. I thought I was pregnant when I was NINE YEARS OLD. BY MY STEP FATHER. I came to Marriage Builders because MY HUSBAND had an affair. I, a sexually and physically abused little girl BY MULTIPLE MEN STARTING WHEN I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD, DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR.

So no. Your wife isn't special, she's not 'acting out' - she isn't dealing with some kid thing in her adult life. That would be neat and clean and excuse many sins. The point is that she grew up and chose to have an affair. It's pretty simple.

I will NOT sit by and watch a selfish wayward wife blame her adult choices on childhood issues. And you shouldn't either.

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

[Our MC and I believe that the abuse had some influence on the A.

Look my wife has never once blamed her abuse as a child on her affair. And if you read my posts closly you will realize that.

. I cant explain things that have come up in our hours of conversations, that point to certain patterns. The MC has noticed these patterns and emotional reactions by my wife and has commented that my wife exhibts symtoms of a woman that has been raped. My wife is not blameing anyone but herself for her choices, she made them.

Just wanted to emphasize that your wife is experiencing from her counseling over her bad childhood exactly what Dr Harley predicted: DEPRESSION.

All that does is bring the bad memories of the past into the present. It doesn't help, it hurts.

[
And it appears at this point largest road block to our emotional recovery are these recent affairs that has caused her to her to slip into PTSD which has never been treated. So until the PTSD can be addressed we cannot move forward. The causes and effects of the A's are being addressed during each visit the sessions are not focusd on her childhood issues. What I have been trying to explain is that the childhood issues that were never treated are what is causing her the PTSD again. But again at this time her extreme guilt, deprssion, and anxiety, PTSD. Are not allowing us to revcover emotionally. I have recovered as far as I can until she moves along. Then we will move forward together again.

But I will again emphasize how much my wife is struggling with her emotions realted to her activities.

Why not send Dr Harley an email and get his opinion? He is a professional clinical psychologist and will not lead you wrong. It would be tragic if you were wasting your time chasing a syndrome when the real issue is just plain old sin. It is real common to label sin as a "syndrome" in today's counseling culture. It won't hurt anything and will cost you nothing to email Dr Harley and get his opinion. And with him, he does not have a financial interest in examining your wife's "childhood" so you know you will get objective advice.

You can email him at the radio show here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html