Ummmm....I promised him a reward later!!!

Plus, I DID actually tell him all the stuff I said above.

I enjoy sharing the good!!!

Got some good news yesterday: found out a paper I did last Spring for one of my classes was published! The professor had asked if I would give my permission but I didn't think it would really go anywhere. It's not a huge deal, but I have to say: it feels good to have your work recognized to the extent that people feel others might benefit from reading it!



Other than that, I continue to slug on toward the end of the semester.

Got to have lunch yesterday with an awesome friend!!!!

My wonderful husband and I are going to need a vacation come June...but all is well.

congratulations sunny! being published is great!! ::happy dance::

glad to hear all is well in sunnyville :O)

Thanks, Letty!

Sunny!
Just checkin in and saw your good news about being published and the "ah-ha" moment you had with your FWH. Excellent news on all accounts. Hope you survive finals, too.

We are well. Still getting tons of UA time, meeting each others' needs and having fun, too.

I still think about his affair at times, probably too often, but I'm hoping that by DDay II, it really will be an even more distant thought. Like your FWH, mine has been a rock. Spot on, in fact. So glad he was able to get his head screwed on right!

That's all for now. Keep up the good work!

Cheers,
Sweet

Glad to hear from you, Sweet Pea!


I'm really happy to hear that things are well because I've been thinking about you.

I still have triggers at times too. In fact, I had a HUGE one last night. Here, things have been going so well and then I go and have a terrible dream about walking in on my H having SF with another woman! It was awful. I have no clue why I would dream that now when things are going so well.

The only reason I can think of is this: while H was in wayward mode, we had a house fire. (Like I needed more trauma at the time!) He was terrible to me in that time period. Throughout the whole ordeal I felt so lost - and my boys were so great, but H was just jerky. I was lucky I had a good friend that helped me through it. Anyway... there have been some reminders lately about the fire and it is causing me to trigger. That may be why I had the dream, I don't know.

I haven't mentioned the triggers to H. I also haven't mentioned how terrible he made me feel during that fire incident. I'm sure I'm not supposed to..but man...it's hard. It's like I want him to know how awful it was for me to go through that without him, for all intense purposes. I'll never forget how I just needed a hug after we'd all rushed outside and the fire was out but the house was filled with smoke and he was like stone.

Sometimes I still get angry that I will always have these painful memories and he won't. It isn't fair. I sure wish God would just zap our (FBSs) memories of junk like this when we take the high road to recovery. My H doesn't have to suffer with these memories - but I do. He doesn't have to have dreams about other men - but I do.

OK: so, I'm done venting.

Despite it all - things are well. I am staying focused on the present - but man, I hate having the scars of the past.

I know these pains will continue to lessen with time.

We had some POJA issues lately, but I was good: I didn't lovebust, I got some help from some very knowledgeable people instead!!! I think it's important to recognize when you need help and to get it. I'm glad I did!

I just had a realization. Anniversary of DD#1 - the "I love you but am not in love with you, I think I want a divorce" speech - came and went without me even thinking about it! It was like 10 days ago....

Last year during that time it was all I could think about - it was the beginning of hell in 2010.

We've come a long way!!! To not even think about it this year - especially when the new floors triggered other memories - says a lot about our recovery. We've not yet reached the two year mark, but doing about as good as anyone can do at this point, I think.

Even sitting here remembering it - it's just a blip on the radar. I didn't even think about it yesterday when H and I had a disagreement. (Not a fight - just a difference of opinion on something. We handled it well.)

On another note - I have finished most of my coursework for this semester except for 2 finals! SO..hitting the books today and tomorrow. Then...graduating Friday night with Honors with my AA degree! I wasn't going to walk but everyone's saying I should. Hmmm. I dunno. I definitely want to walk when I finish my BA and my Master's...but now??? We'll see. I'm proud of my 4.0! I REALLY threw myself into my studies during all the marital craziness! lol

Good for you, Sunny! Do the walk and be proud of your accomplishment.

I'm also glad to hear that the triggers are fading for you. It gives me hope that life won't all be about these last 6 months for me!

Thank you, RQ.

I know how much it helped me to have those that were ahead of me urging me on in recovery. No: your whole life will NOT be defined by the horrid 6 months! NOT if you set it up correctly.

April 2010 was a nightmare - as I said, the beginning of the descent into full throttle wayward more/affairland.

April 2011 was trigger-filled...but working hard.

April 2012 - didn't even think about it!

Of course, this is different than the affair discovery anti-versaries in October... but I'm guessing it will be very similar.

As a family we are doing incredibly well... the hard work is worth it!!!

As for walking...I guess maybe I will. lol Geez...gotta go buy a dang cap & gown. I already have my honor society regalia and stuff...

I heard this poem the other night at my son's baccalaureate dinner. It's not the best poem in the world, but it got me thinking about a few things and I think it signifies the overall reason why MB works. When we feed the good in our marriages - we overcome the past and silence the bad.

This is why we don't talk about affairs after the fact. And, it is why we must have a better marriage than we ever have before.

"There is a great battle that rages inside me.

One side is the soaring eagle. Everything the eagle stands for is good and true and beautiful, and it soars above the clouds. Even though it dips down into the valleys, it lays its eggs on the mountaintops.

The other side of me is the howling wolf. And that raging, howling wolf represents the worst that�s in me. He eats upon my downfalls and justifies himself by his presence in the pack.

Who wins this great battle?

The one I feed."

-unknown

Read more: http://www.inspirationalarchive.com/1376/the-eagle-and-the-wolf/#ixzz1uTdF3z9L

Today, I feel especially blessed and even humbled.

This morning I got Happy Mothers Day texts from 2 young ladies that I have been working with from the organization I've been doing community service with - for aged-out foster youths who have no where to go when they turn 18. These girls have no mothers to celebrate with - and have dreams and aspirations ... are hard-working, and sweet as can be.

I never expected to get a "Happy Mothers Day" from them... and I feel honored.

Oh - my regular family has been good to me too. Last night they even had a little graduation celebration for me: nice dinner, flowers, cards...and a pretty ring that hubby and S16 picked out. The card S16 gave me brought tears to my eyes...and I felt very appreciated with Mr. Sunny's efforts and knowing he is proud of me.

DD20 sent me a really nice card from college too. It was heartfelt and made me know that without a doubt - everything I have been through to fight for my family has been absolutely worth it!

Recovery is hard at times. Just Friday night out of nowhere I started crying on the way home from dinner out with H because a song came on that triggered me. I didn't say anything and I hid it well. I know H knew something was up though. How could he not when my mood changed so abruptly? The crazy thing is, I'm not even sure why the darn song triggered me! Anyway...despite the hard moments, the good more than outweighs the bad.

And when I think about the lives of these young ladies that took time out of there mornings to think about wishing me a good Mother's Day... it chokes me up. My worst day these days is nothing compared to the battles they face.

I am BLESSED!

Sunny!

Gosh do I love the poem you posted, and it's hitting me especially well today. We are still very good, but on my day off, I took the dog for a walk and spent the whole time being ANGRY. Angry about the A, angry about the betrayal, and then indulged in scenarios in which H cheats again. And in my sick game, he's not upset about trashing our marriage; he simply wants a younger, hotter woman no matter the cost.

So, as I'm fuming and letting my mind wander, I "hear" the voice of my therapist say: Hey, Sweet Pea, how is this helping you?

But your poem put it in such a more literary and lovely manner. Love it!

Don't know WHY I indulged either. No triggers that I can think of. Plenty of quality UA time, boundaries, fun and love. Dunno!

So thanks for posting.

Also: Sorry to hear the fire remnants are triggery for you. I, too, struggle with the burden of the "knowing." And, of course, the pain associated with knowing. Ugh!

But I will vow to feed the eagle more!

Have a great day!

SweetPea, sorry about your suffering those awful thoughts. It can be hard to snap yourself out of that but I keep vowing not to feed that wolf when bad thoughts pop in!!!

The visual helps me.


When I hear those voices of "how's this helping you, et al" I wanted to scream, "Shut up! You aren't me!"
LOL

I didnt catch the poem til tonite.

It describes the schizo existence that defines me.

I could be flying high now but later be looking to tear something apart.

It reminds me that I control my thoughts and my inner animal.

The thought of spending the rest of my life fighting this fight is not something Im happy about.

Well, Mike....hopefully you won't have to the rest of your life!!! I'm hoping not, personally! And all indications are good that it will not be that way; not if recovery is done correctly. But yeah, it takes time.

In other news...

I had a very sad night. Had to put my little yorkie to sleep at the doggie ER. Just got home a little bit ago....soooooo hard. He was 9 years old and still fiesty as ever. That's what got him in trouble. He got mad at one of our other dogs, and barked at her for stealing a toy... and she lunged at him and caught him in the throat. The damage was too much to repair.

It was so sad...just pathetic, to see him like that and to watch him suffer.

The hard part is, H is working late and could not be there with me...but he did keep in touch by text and phone.

It is just very hard - and very tragic... esp. all happening the way it did. While he was not young, he still have plenty of good years left.

RIP, tough guy!

(((Sunny)))

Thank you, BH.

Sunny:

{{{{{{{Sunny}}}}}}. Hugs for the traumatic loss of your Yorkie. That had to be a difficult night. But am glad H helped you through it.

As for Mike's and our wolf-like thoughts. I have to think if we continue on the path we're on -- really working the program AND focusing our brains on the eagles inside us -- that we will fully recover.

I've been thinking about it this way this morning: I want my H feeding his eagle, not his inner wolf. And I know he will sometimes struggle with this because he has had so many years of feeding his wolf.

But I EXPECT him to walk the walk and talk the talk about recovery. Should I expect anything less of me? No.

I need to fully recover, too. And like you, Sunny, I believe I will. Mike, I sure hope you do, too. Even though I have moments of doubt and self pity, they are much rarer than last year. I hope they are gone FOREVER in the next couple of years.

So today, let's feed our eagles. No wallowing. NO pitty. How about doing something really nice for your spouse tonight? I know I will!!

Hugs
SP