It's one of,my favourite pass times too!

I especially like to see what the spiders have dragged up. I have found old forgotten threads, and threads I had no idea even existed.

What are you ON about?

"Who's online" is just a list of names. How do you see who is reading a thread? And what's all this about spiders?!

Have you ever looked at it?
It has the name of a poster, the name of the thread they are looking at, and if you click on it, it will take you to the actual post they are currently looking at.

Usually there are 3 times as many anonymous posters. I sometimes try to work out which is me

Then at the very bottom of the page there are the search engine spiders... some is goggling a topic and apparently google finds something on a thread here that fits the search (yahoo and a few other engines turn up too) Often the search engines find really obscure threads.

Well, knock me down with a feather!

It's only the fact that you said "looked at it" that made me see that "Who's online" is actually a link! I clicked it, and I see what you mean! Thanks, lil.

nuther nozy parker.

hey SC, what am I reading???? LOL

I just re-read part of this thread. Hope L4 is doing well...

L4, I've just seen your name.

Please update us, even if you do not intend to post regularly. We've all just been saying how we think and wonder about the "recovery" crew.

Hi.

It's been many months and I feel compelled to let y'all in on what's happening with H and me. I have missed you and I am doing okay.

Quick summary... Things between H and me got very bad through last winter. In mid-March he suggested we split and instead of fighting it as I had every time before, I agreed it was probably best for us. I think that took him by surprise. The next day I suggested we look at separation. Two days later he said he wanted to try to stay married to me so he wanted to do the work.

The work was to include seeing an MC. As a sign to show me his commitment to doing the work, I asked one thing and that was to find and make an appointment with an MC. He agreed that he would.

He stalled. He put it off. He made excuses. Then in June H admitted that he would not talk with anyone else after all.

I made my exit plan. I got my ducks in a row. I called Steve. (And H even talked with Steve for about 30 minutes.) I was ready. I didn't give him an ultimatum but I think when I told him how serious I was about us getting help, he could see a confidence or lack of fear in me or something that was different -- maybe because I knew if I had to be without him, I could be. And at that point he changed and agreed to read FILSIL. (Yes, the same book he agreed back in February to read.) We started getting along and even had some fun together. We were doing fine as long as we didn't talk about money, my family, our M, or disciplining the kids. You know... the little things that couples rarely need to talk about.

So three weeks ago, after seeing no attempted application of ENs or POJA or virtually anything that Dr. H talks about (leading me to believe my H was not reading the book), I put my foot down and said we need to do something differently. And this was his last chance to prove he agreed. I gave him 4 days to come up with a plan. He again held firm that he would not do MC. I said he had to come up with something -- MC, MB Weekend (I understand now those aren't being offered any more), an MB course, do IC, or something. The deadline came and he had no ideas. I offered him mine, including starting slowing by reading FILSIL together and doing the questions in the book.

He agreed.

He's being sporadic in his follow-through with our scheduled meetings dedicated to our M and with reading the lessons we agree to in the book, but we have gotten halfway through the ENQ and I saw him reading the book two nights ago.

I enjoy being around him more then before, he's more engaged with the kids, he's more conversational, the LBs are fewer and not as volatile, and I know he cares for me. He still doesn't wear his wedding ring, he brings up the A now and then (and is usually angry when he does), and he still thinks we can fix "us" on our own.

I guess time will tell.

I got a full-time job in May. I work from home which is best for our family lifestyle. H's job stress has reduced and his health is better.

My knee problems brought my work-outs to a halt in July and I haven't been able to exercise beyond my weekly physical therapy appointments since then so my body shape has changed in ways I don't care for (not as toned). But I've managed to keep the weight off anyway and H seems pleased with how I look, as do I.

We're financially okay, the kids are healthy, we have our house, and we're still together.

So... We're bumping along. Far better then we were 4 - 9 months ago when our M was on the precipice, but our M is not near healthy let alone recovered. I'm still pushing the car and with offline help from some MB veterans, some close friends, and my H, I am in a better place with myself. I still have low moments, but they aren't as often and when they do come, I am able to pull out of them more quickly. I know I stand taller then I did a year ago.

I'll check in again down the road because I wonder about folks here from time to time and I want anyone who has taken in my story to have updates so the work that everyone here put into me and our M doesn't just fade off into nothingness. (Plus I need to change my profile ages at least once a year, right?)

I don't see myself as any kind of inspiration, but I am someone who took a dark turn and through perseverance is getting through this mess. I am, and our story, are proof that getting through this is do-able, even if it ain't pretty.

I don't see ottert, Ivetz, Zelmo, 6YearsLeft, Sh0cked, or some others who posted to me with recent post anywhere on the boards so I hope they're well.

And I hope you're well too.

Take care and God bless.

It's so nice to hear from you, L4. I'm glad you dropped by.

I think there is a lot to be hopeful about in what you wrote. I am very encouraged by it.

It's the middle of the night here, but I will write more when I am fully awake. I just wanted to say "hi" while you might still be around.

Wonderful to hear from you L4.

I'm not surprised that your husband reacted positively only when you put your foot down. Don't be afraid to insist on the conditions that make for a great marriage.

Take care.

Thanks for stopping by, L4. I know many here have wondered about you, and I'm glad there are positive things happening for you.

They say time heals, but my goodness - sometimes it's just a long time, isn't it? And the healing doesn't always go how we expect or think or want it to.

But there is healing. I am glad you are getting some of that, and I hope things continue on the upward trend.

Hello L4,

It's wonderful to see your name again.

We have all missed visiting with you and wondered how you and your family have been.

Just wanted to tell you I think you are on the right track with how you are handling the reluctance of your H.

In the beginning Mrs.Flint was not all that excited about doing MB and flat out told me she wouldn't do MB.

I told her that it was not a negotiable thing and that if she refused I was done.

She tested me on it and it came down to show your cards.

She agreed when she saw I was not bluffing and that it is when we began to make progress. I would not have continued with the M if she had refused to work a plan to recover when she knew I would not continue without doing MB.

I don't think sometimes you think of yourself as a success but if all FWW's tried as hard as you have we would have even more successfully recovered marriages.

You are a very special person here on MB and hope you can find time to stop by once in a while.



God bless.

Jim

She lives! Hi L4

Sounds like progress. Stay well and focused.

L4, I haven't been on this site in many months. On a whim today, I decided to log in and immediately came to Recovery to see if you had resurfaced. Your story captured my attention like none other. I have thought of your and your husband's struggle so many times and have wondered how you were doing. Thank you for remembering me and mentioning me in your post.

Sadly, I don't have good news regarding my situation. MrsOttert and I have been separated for nearly 8 months and will be divorcing. As you probably recall, we went to MB weekend in Minnesota, counseled with Harleys, including on phone with Steve and by email with Dr. Harley. I was disappointed in our progress and could not accept some of their recommendations and MrsO was not willing to implement EPs and be honest and transparent. We were in counseling with other counselors for more than a year. We were too broken and, IMO, she was unwilling to do what I needed to recover and feel safe in a marriage with her.

It's hard to accept that a 23 year life together is over. I am learning to adjust to life without her and when divorce is final, look forward to a new life with someone else. I have a hard time believing I can love and trust again. But I want to someday.

Sorry for the long update on your thread. I am encouraged and hopeful for you. I know things aren't perfect, but at least your family is intact and you sleep in the same house/bed with your spouse. I would give almost anything for that.

Take care.

As Dr. Harley says, after an affair you must have a terrific marriage. Within two years after the affair ends (or the affair is revealed, if it was long-over), you must have a better marriage than you ever did. If you don't, your marriage isn't likely to survive because you never resolved the issues that precipitated the affair in the first place.

My wife, too, got really hung up on the Radical Honesty and Transparency thing. Jennifer Harley Chalmers was able to put us on a road where we could both get what we needed and work around my wife's concerns about "invasion of privacy" while making sure I knew what she was doing and her state of mind.

It doesn't always work out. Not to try to DJ Ottert & Mrs. Ottert, but my sense of the relationship was that you both are extremely principled people, and your principles are more important to you than your spouse's feelings. If anything is more important than your spouse's feelings -- even God -- then that thing will be your biggest stumbling block to recovery.

t/j

{{{{Ottert}}}}}

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear this. I remember your story well. I had so hoped and prayed this would not be the outcome....I am truly sorry for this....

Not2fun

Thank you, not.

It is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. Some days I still can't believe it's happening. I tried, I really tried, for more than two years to save my marriage. I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could.

I loved my wife deeply and wanted to live with her for the rest of my life. I'm 45 and was with her for more than 25 of those years, more than half my life. She's the mother of my four children. But when the person who hurt you won't do what's necessary to help you heal and you know that your heart will never be safe with them, it's an impossible place to be. I couldn't go on.

ottert,

I too am sorry to hear of the end of your marriage. I know you tried hard to save it.

Would you care to update your own thread (or start a new one)? Why did the attempt at recovery fail?