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My wife revealed one week ago that she has been having an affair since August. She became pregnant in August. We were trying to become pregnant at the time. The child was recently born premature, and my wife also revealed she do not know if I was the father. So the revelation of an affair and a chil with unknown father at the same time. Life is great right now.
I suspected and confronted anout an affair these past months, only to be lied to. Of course, I chose to believe. We already have a 4yr old son, with whom I am very close.
I need advice if I should file for divorce or not. It would pain me to do so as I would impact my son. My wife has not cut off contact with the other man, as we are waiting on a paternity test.
I accept my share of the blame for our problems, but blame her in full for committing adultery. I have read thi site, an am willin to try, but don know if I am strong enough. Also, I am currently unwilling to raise the newborn if it is the other man's child.
Any advice is appreciated.
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Sorry, I should also add the problems we were having we related to falling out of love, or having an empty love bank. There has never been any type of abuse or other major problems.
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Welcome Nate909 sorry for what has brought you here. Have a chance and listen to these Dr. Harley talks to A BH and WW about their OC
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Nate, in addition go read the 2 threads stickied at the top of the forum and then come back and ask questions. The most important first step is that she agree to NEVER see or speak to the OM again. You have to get her agreement on that if your marriage is to be salvaged.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When will the DNA test come back?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you both BrainHurts and MelodyLane for providing assitance. I have listened to the radio posts as suggested. I understand the concepts, but find it difficult to relate since it is the WH that fathered a child in that case. In my case, it is a WW that has brought a child in this world that may not be mine.
I know my WW would never give the child up, as she has bonded with the child becasue the child is in a NICU unit due to premature birth. My WW is also still in contact with the OM as we await paternity results.
The paternity test is due either today or tomorrow. I also have an appointment with a divorce lawyer tomorrow to discuss my options. I feel trapped between ensuring my 4yr old is happy in a two parent home and divorcing my WW. I am afraid of divorce because courts seem to favor women in divorce cases, which would drastically reduce time with my 4yr old. Not sure if I can take that pain. I am also not able to stand the idea of anoter man raising my 4yr old if I do divorce.
Two days after D-Day, I told my WW I would stay and try to work out our marriage if the new child was mine. I also told her I would divorce if the child was the OM's.
One difficulty is the OM is single and lonely, so he would gladly accept my WW, the OC and my 4yr old in his life. So I am not sure what to do. It seems I either man up and accept a child that may not be mine, or divorce my WW and suffer more pain from the loss of my family.
I must add that I wish I would have found this site sooner. I have not mentioned this site to my WW as we seemd to be in limbo until paternity tests return.
Nate
D-Day 3/18/12
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You are in a sticky situtation, Nate. I would wait until the results come back to make a decision. But if you read the post by Dr Harley it is about a WW who has an OC. You could possibly remain married to her if the child is an OC but only *IF* she agrees to never ever see or speak to the OM again and she agrees to make you the legal parent. Here is what Harley recommends: I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for the support MelodyLane. I am listed as the father on the birth certificate since at the time of birth I thought I was the father. So that is not an issue.
I do realize there were several LB in my marriage prior to the affair. I accept my share of the blame for those LB's. I know this site can help. One question I did ask my WW is that is she was not strong enough to fight for our marriage before the affair, how would she ever handle what we must now go through? She really did not have an answer.
I know I am prepared to work on saving the marriage, just not sure my WW is. I will update once the paternity test comes back.
Nate
D-Day 3/18/12
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She won't be able to commit until she ends all contact with the OM. That needs to happen NOW. Is that rat married?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, the rat is not married. He has a child from a previous relationship, but never sees that child.
So he has basically fallen for my WW. Willing to accept her in his life. And I know if we divorce she will go to him, with my kid(s). And the rat is bankrupt and barely able to take care of himself, let alone a family. When I say bankrupt, he has every bit of $10. Lives in a crap house in a bad neighborhood. I can't let my son live like that.
I am making my stand today on no further contact.
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I am making my stand today on no further contact. Good!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. if this does go to divorce, you can have it put in your custody agreement that your child is to NEVER be around the OM. Many people on our forum have done this. Their attorneys initially say "you can't do that!!" But when our forum members told the atty he better move his [censored] and make that happen, it happened!  You will find that most attys are lazy and only want to avoid conflict at any and all cost.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That is good news on having the agreement state the OM is to never be around my son. I did no know that. Thank you very much!
Nate
D-Day 3/18/12
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Did not go well asking for no further contact from WW. I was told that she wanted to wait until paternity results came back to avoid burning any bridges. I was baffled, as I had told her I may be willing to raise OC as my own. But now I know where I stand.
I do not think WW is sold on the idea of saving our marriage either. In general, she believes things like this are hogwash. And she has said how she has fallen in love with him. She still "loves" me though. Sounds like Cheater 101 to me.
So now I feel I can only hope and pray the new child is mine so I can fight to be the primary custodian.
I did think I saw her reviewing this site earlier though, so she may become willing to try and salvage what we have.
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It sounds like she is keeping her options open. When will you get the DNA test back?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Nate, don't bring her here now. That would be a very bad idea.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I believe WW is keeping options open as well. Still waiting on the test....no feeling good about my options.
Nate
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Does the OM know WW is pregnant? If the cat is still in the bag don't let it out.
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What comes after exposure, NC and Plan A/B? Is that when you order the books and begin working questionnaires and other items?
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To TheRoad - yes the OM knew about the pregnancy. The A between them started shortly before she became pregnant and the physical aspect continued until about 1.5 months ago. The emotional side of the A is still there. The physical side would probably have continued if the pregnancy would not have prevented sex.
Nate
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