Ah, your WW is fully aware how tenuous this "relationship" is and is using the threat of harming herself to prevent her mother from doing anything that would shut her down...and from the sound of things it wouldn't take much.

As far as betraying her daughter's trust, this would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic. This POS is doing nothing short of using and abusing her daughter, and she refuses to lift a finger to help stop it when she can?? Glad my mother wasn't so loyal and loving to me! I'd be dead now.

Are there any MIL relatives such as parents, aunts, uncles, siblings that can talk sense into MIL to end her enabling ways?

Ways you can plan A her

Send her nice letters in the mail. No divorce talk in them and no marriage talk BUT how beautiful she is. Maybe some romantic poems. Perhaps some memories of the past that you yourself like to recall. Hand write them in your best hand writing.

When you do speak, ask her what she thinks of your new shirt (that you will be wearing) or what she thinks about a news event.

Etc.

Be creative and you can be!

That is going to be hard to do, but I will try. Truthfully, when I see her I feel revulsion and disgust. I feel no love for her, only for the person I knew before this.

That person is worth fighting for, only she doesn't exist anymore.

I will try my best, and applying Master Yoda's words I know that there is no try; there is only do.

Can one be loving to another and throw up in the mouth at the same time?

No. They won't do it. They have shunned my wife, but they won't go that far.

Honestly.......the only way I can see you staying in a plan A is to come to this realization

"I am being the best me and doing plan A for my own self. Anything else would belittle ME. I can do this cause I expect nothing in return ...ever.....and want to send myself into the future with this gift to myself."

That might help.

Understandable

Yes she does. She's just lost in the fog of this fantasy. Don't try and convince yourself it's anything but that; it isn't. Your wife is still in there somewhere.

Very good, and do this with no expectations. Plan A is not just about her, but you as well.

Sure you can, that's pretty much the underlying essence of Plan A. The end result is that you will be better for the experience. Whether or not it can save your marriage remains to be seen. But it will save you. I wish I had known about this board when I went through my sitch in 2003 and had existed for my first one in 1994. Oh well.

I wonder how this airline ticket was paid for. Do you know what airline it was? Anything at all? I seen some threads were people called an airline and were freely given info just for asking.

Just as an aside, I can't believe her family. Almost makes me wonder why you even try to save this.

Your MIL is right about one thing though. WW will one day crash and crash hard. And lose her entire family while she's at it.

I can guarantee he would never marry her. She will be looked upon as a prostitute by them.

You can text and email your WW since you don't think you can do well with the F2F for now. If the best you can do F2F is not LB, that will be a GREAT start.

Getting back in Plan A has been interesting. Not gaining any traction and I'm getting hurt by my wife's anger and insolence, but I'm glad I have a plan. Since she's not in the house, it's easy to suck it up and carry out the plan tactfully.

I can tell she is gone. She checked out a long time ago, but its different now. She won't give eye contact, she won't call me by name, and she doesn't say anything nice. The man she loved for 24 years is nothing to her anymore.

Though things look completely lost, I'm staying with the plan at least until our divorce is final. That should be at the end of April if she signs the settlement agreement. She said she'd sign it this week.

If she signs it and things go on schedule, I think I'll end Plan A when the divorce is final. Until then I'll keep tossing the rocks in the river and pray for a miracle.

I'm in a similar situation.
I didn't read your old thread.
Has this been exposed to your daughters?
Can you afford a Private Detective to determine who her affair partner is? He may be married; if he is Muslim that is against their religion to commit adultery. You could expose to his family.

As for custody, your attorney sent her the paperwork before Christmas and she hasn't signed? She is dragging her feet on that.

Hello HDW,

I hope your situation works out better than mine. My daughters and all the family knows what's going on. I have been very clear with my daughters about the impact of my wife's choices. I don't want them to think this is normal or acceptable, and of course I worry about their happiness and development in light of this horrible situation. I feel tremendous guilt for what they are having to endure and the life-long impact this will have on them.

Update:

Still in Plan A, though I have very little contact with my wife. Before I got back into Plan A we would have arguments, usually through texting. Now when she says something that provokes a fight, I ignore the comment or parry it with finesse. She doesn't like pushovers, so I'm not acting like one. I'm just avoiding LB's and I'm trying to be as kind and thoughtful as I can (even with vomit in my mouth).

She was sick this weekend and I dropped by a care package for her. I asked her each day if there was anything else I could get for her. She gave minimal response. Its hard doing these things in front of the kids, because I don't want to confuse them and normalize or tacitly support their mom's decision. But since plan A won't last forever, I can do it for awhile.

When I see her she says nothing to me. She's really cold most of the time. I think I'm making a sisyphean effort, but, again, I can maintain until the divorce is final.

I have no idea of what is going on with her and her affair partner. She still keeps it a secret.

Justthe3osus,

I like the care package idea and I like that you keep trying to show care for her, even if she is rebuffing or trying to dismiss your attempts. I think this is good plan A stuff. Something I have to keep reminding myself is to do this kind of stuff with no expectations. I don;t know about oyu, but I find that exceedingly difficult often.

have you read GJM's thread?

Thanks, Blackhawk. Yes, I've been following GJM's thread. I've not held up any expectations, but that's been pretty easy since she has given me very little reason for hope. I guess at this point I feel like the last of the Mohicans.

I've been thinking of the book SAA. I think its excellent, but there is one major stumbling block for my situation.

If my wife were to end her affair and ask to try and work things out, I think that she would be like Sue. I don't think she would be remorseful about what she's done. For me, reconciliation requires confession, contrition, penance, and a promise to not repeat the offense. Without her remorse, I don't think my love bank can be filled. I will always hate her and consider her a selfish, unattractive person if she doesn't show she's sorry and she doesn't properly make amends.

I left SAA with a feeling of total contempt for Sue. How could Jon take her back? Yes, they are both happy now, but she is a piece of work, and definitely not a prize. How can Jon be happy with such a self-centered, demented person?

This is a real struggle for me.

Another way to look at this Just, is that maybe she's already starting to see that she's being used and played, and the luster is starting to wear off. I mentioned to you earlier about this OM turning her into one of his little international play toys, and maybe she's starting to sense that. That could easily explain her not being able to look you in the eye. VERY easily. I think it could very possibly be that she is becoming at least partially aware of just how much she's screwed up and what it could cost her. Her inability to look you in the eye could be more of a result of that more than anything you have, or haven't done in the past. It could easily be she's starting to feel ashamed. Only time will tell.

Waywards are stupid, and even more stubborn than that. It's very difficult for them to admit they just may have been wrong. And women especially (no offense ladies). Women take more pride in their decisions of the heart than men do. For them to come to the conclusion that they just may have effed up is pretty damning to them. It is to us all, but I do believe more so to the ladies.

I have a feeling that your WW is going to be having a very difficult time soon. I don't say this to give you false hope, but there is no way this affair can sustain itself. There's just no way.

I do believe the remorse you desire to rebuild your marriage will come. It won't come overnight, but I think it will come in time.

Just keep doing the best Plan A you can under the circumstances. You have nothing to lose by trying and everything to gain.

If you don't get the desired result, then you can lay head to pillow knowing you did everything you could.

I know you can live with that.

Thank you, TigerWes. I appreciate your post, as I do all the other posts you drop in other threads. You make many good points.

Your analysis seems very wise, but being somewhat close to the situation I think at this stage her affair is still going strong. Her aloofness causes me to lose hope. I hope you're right about the shame, but I don't sense any shame from her. She comes across as arrogant and entitled more than anything. Nonetheless, I will stay in plan A until the divorce finalizes.

Regarding: "I do believe the remorse you desire to rebuild your marriage will come. It won't come overnight, but I think it will come in time." That is my prayer. But if she can't be remorseful--if she is like Sue--that will prove to be a major stumbling block. Guess I'm putting the cart before the horse thought, aren't I?

Do your daughters or any of the family put any pressure on her about her affair?

If they do what does she say or do?

Her family shunned her for the first few months of the affair. But they have now brought her back into the fold. Our daughters have accepted it, though they don't like it. They don't talk about the affair with their mom, but they have never shunned her. Exposure did not work.