Within a few weeks I will be divorced. At that time I'd like to go dark and get back to plan b.

I will need an IM. Anyone know how I can get one. I don't anyone who can do it.

You may want to ask a Church elder to be an IM.
I'm in a similar situation, soon to be divorced (in about 2 weeks thank God) and full custody (for time being) of my kids.

If you cant find an IM consider going to an Al-Anon meeting. Its for families of alcoholics and although your problem isnt alcohol related, they can teach how to "emotionally detach" from your soon to be ex.

I probably wont have an IM after divorce but will have strong boundaries in place.

Fortunately, it seems like your wife just wants to start a new life anyway so she probably wont be knocking down your door at midnight. My wife also will probably be absent as soon as divorce is final.

Any woman (including our wives) that leaves their family AND THEIR CHILDREN for a man is not worth having.

But i would ask around for an IM through your church. How old are your daughters?

HDW and Justthe3ofus,

Have you both thought about being IM's for each other? You both know MB?

I just noticed brain hurt's suggestion.
I would be very interested in trading IMs.
If that is of interest to you please let me know.
My divorce is final on July 24

Brainhurts and HDW,

Sorry, I didn't see these responses until today. At this point, I am going to move ahead without an IM. I think I can stay dark enough to allow for recovery without the insistence of a go-between. Thank you for the suggestion and offer.

Update:
Yesterday was our 20th Wedding Anniversary. Ironically, it was also the day the judge signed off on our divorce. So off came the ring today. My daughters took the news as well as can be expected. They were not surprised and knew it was coming. They've made their adjustments at this point.

I am angry and sad. I am also relieved that this part of the ordeal is over. Someone said to me, "Let's celebrate." I replied that the death of a marriage is never something to celebrate.

I have learned much, and I take solace in the fact that I have avoided love busters for the last few months. At this point I don't want to reconcile with my ex-wife (Wow, did I really write "ex-wife?"). I don't trust her, and I think her heart is hardened forever. However, I heard Dr. Harley say on his radio program that long distance affairs last longer and so couples often don't reconcile until after a divorce takes place. So there is always hope, I guess. I'm just not investing in it. I'm going to try and move forward from here and find happiness with my daughters.

My wife still comes in the house, and I will be writing her a letter informing her that she can no longer come here because of the emotions it triggers in me. It's time to start getting rid of pictures and packing up anything of hers that's left in the house. I'll leave them in boxes for her to pick up.

I ran the race and lost. But I learned much from failure at least.

Right now, I feel like Tom Hanks standing at the crossroads at the end of the film "Castaway."

Justthe3ofus

I'm new here but wanted to reply to your update because I'm about to go into Plan B and am pretty sure it will end up in divorce. In September it will be our 20th Wedding Anniversary so I can understand how difficult the situation must be for you.

I don't think you are a failure - as I understand it you must have a close relationship with your daughters which is really important for them and you. I'm with you that the end of a marriage is not a cause for celebration.

I think I'm also in that situation like Tom Hanks - I have such mixed feelings because I want to recover my marriage but being at the crossroads is a bit exciting. You don't know where the journey will take you. One thing I will say about my experience so far is that it has made me much more open hearted - I used to find it so difficult to share my feelings with other people.

Best Wishes

An IM is a MUST in Plan B. With continued contact, it is NOT Plan B, it is Plan C. Although I understand that you are not contemplating Plan B to save your marriage, it will help YOU heal much more quickly.

I hope that you won't give your WW the fantasy divorce which seems to be the new "norm" in society.

Jay67,
Thank you for your reflections. It breaks my heart that you are going through this. Such a sad place to be. But I pray that you will land on your feet and find the happiness you deserve.

Scotland,

I may not be getting an IM, but I am following the MB script well otherwise. Though my ex-wife is in Fantasyland, this will be anything but a "fantasy divorce." I am minimizing contact with her, I will be civil, but not friendly. She will not enjoy any of the perques of family around me, and she will have to take care of her own financial needs.

She has lost face with a lot of people, and she is living a secret life. She may wind up married to a wealthy man of high status, but she's given up everything for it: God, country, and family. I wouldn't trade places with her for all the tea in China.

The Judge signed mine on the 24th, after 10 years.
The same day my wife wanted to come over. I wrote a limited contact letter and trespassed her from the house.
I can post it if you like.
If you want to plan B I would IM for you.

Update:

My ex-wife messaged me on Veteran's day that she wants to come back home. She has spent more time with the girls, misses them and the family situation, and wants back.

I took her out on a date on Sunday night (last night) just to hash things out. She is still in her affair. She is still Muslim, and is very strong in her faith. After our talk, she says she doesn't think it will work. But her behavior and the things she has done indicates otherwise. We talked for 8 hours. For the first time in years she showed signs of the old love she had for me. The good memories are coming back to her and she realizes what she lost. She said she woke up in a panic over what she has done.

When we talked on Veterans day she sobbed, expressed profound sorrow for what she has done to the girls. Because she was able to muster some remorse, I forgave her. A weight has been lifted in that regard. I don't hate her anymore, though I will always be scarred by the incomprehensible things that she did to me and the family. So many have suffered in the wake of her decisions.

She is confused. She has said she has loved me more in the past than she can ever love her affair partner. But she doubts she can overcome the hate she has for me based on past transgressions and neglect. I know better because of Dr. Harley's program. The love account can be refilled.

She said that if I converted to Islam she would come back. I am a practicing Catholic and my faith is very strong. I will never leave my Catholic faith. Plus, her conversion (Shahada) came through her affair partner. If we were to reconcile any act of of her Muslim faith would trigger thoughts of him (e.g., praying). She was converted on a trip that took place during our 19th wedding anniversary while we were still married and not separated.

She said she has two people inside her at war: the old her self and the new Muslim. I viewed our talk as a person crying out for help and a petition for me to bring her old self back. She is isolated. Her family and friends have estranged her. Her old self has re-emerged for the first time in over a year, but her new self wants her to move to an Islamic country where she can be free of judgment and practice her faith. I told her that judgment from her family and friends comes mostly because of her affair and the circumstances that led to her conversion. She blocks this out.

I am currently in a relationship with someone who I met after the divorce. I am in deep. But she knows that my ex-wife and I are talking, so she graciously has let me put things on hold until I work things out. She understands and values marriage vows and family.

I think that my ex and I could reconcile, but i have some major concerns:

1) How do I know she won't do this again? She is willing to drop her affair partner the way she dropped me. She has no regard for the feelings of my gf. She just tramples on peoples feelings like its nothing. Very selfish. For 26 years she was faithful and true, but the lies and betrayal she has done make me wonder if she is capable of the doing it again. I've heard so many horror stories about spouses who cheat again, and I don't want to live through this hell again.

2) She is Muslim. I could live with my spouse being of a different religion, but her faith in Islam is a connection to her affair and affair partner. Also, I'm not comfortable with the religion and the rabid zeal that she has for it.

3) I don't want to live in the shadow of her multimillionaire affair partner. He wants to marry her, but she says no because he is overseas and she doesn't want to be apart from the girls. (I am so glad that she is finally putting the girls ahead of him.) In their faith, the man dominates and the wife has very little independence. Anyway, his intellect and social and financial status are superior to mine. I am no slouch. I hold a good job in a leadership position, but not at his level. I am a civil servant; he is wealthy and a CEO of an international company. I don't want to be married for the rest of my life feeling like I don't measure up in my wife's eyes. My ex won't admit it, but she loved the status and wealth.

4) She is doing this for the kids more than for our marriage. I am so glad she is considering the kids, but I'm not convinced she wants to really work on marriage. She has a very cynical view of marriage. I think marriage can be wonderful forever when people invest in it wisely.

My plan is to date her for awhile if she is willing to drop her affair partner, and see where things go. I will not be in contact with my current girlfriend and that hurts. I pray I don't lose her over a fruitless attempt to reconcile.

In conclusion, for the first time in over two years, there are signs of life. I know that the love she had for me is still there. But I am extremely skeptical that reconciliation will work. I will set an appointment with Steve Harley. But I would also appreciate the perspective of those on the board.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Email Dr Harley

Why would you date her if she's still having an affair?
I think you should run from her.

I will not start dating until she ends the affair. That would be a condition.

She's going back and forth.
It is sad how lost some people can become.
Have you read the articles Dr Harley wrote about remarriage to ex?

You are already dating your Girlfriend. If I were her I would run for the hills. If you can do this to HER what makes her think you won't do it again. MB is all about saving marriages but this is a hot mess you got yourself in. You have only been D for 3 months!

I met my gf after the divorce was finalized. I fought like hell for my wife for 12 hard months leading up to the divorce. Threw every rock and pebble I could into the river. No response. No signs of life. I thought there was no chance of her wanting to come back, and so it was also with her family. So once the divorce came through, I resigned myself to a life without her.

I didn't set out to date, but I met someone with whom I connected and we fell in love pretty fast. This very special lady values marriage and family and has encouraged me to look in to the possibility of reconciliation with my ex. I have been completely open and honest with her about every step in the development, and if my ex and I try to work it out, she will bow out. I feel awful about this, but if there is a chance of reconciliation, I have to consider my vows and my family.

I think your 2x4's are not fitting for this circumstance. Perhaps its better to save them for the people who date before divorce and who haven't completed the race.

I ordered the book Buyers Renter and Freeloaders.
Have you read it?

Just3, I don't think it would be a good idea to even discuss anything with your ex except one thing, her ending her affair. What is most likely happening is that her affair is experiencing a bad time, and she's reaching out to you to meet some ENs to help prop up her adulterous relationship. Until that is over, you wouldn't have a chance with her.

Although you may not agree with JK's 2x4's the fact is that you definitely began dating when you weren't ready. If you were ready to move on, you wouldn't have considered dating your Ex. You owe it to your girlfriend to let her go. It's extremely inconsiderate for you to date your Ex and keep the GF as a back-up.

JT3,

So if she is such a confirmed Moslem is she going to confess and subject herself to stoning? I don't think is she going to renounce Islam, another sin punishable by death, either.

Please review TLA's thread too.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...t&Number=2682699&nt=2&page=1

God Bless
Gamma