Lost,

The answer is a milion times a million! You're going to have to simply try to exercise more patience. This coming week is Holy Week in my faith and I am committed to doing some tough things - eliminating smoking, becoming more aware of how I could help others even in a small way, etc. It's going to take committment and patience. So, that is what I would advise you again - patience. It's going to take awhile. In my opinion, since he hasn't persured divorce, which as a guy tells me that he is waiting and wanting you to continue to take the lead and continue to demonstrate your committment to your marriage, you have a golden opportunity!

Take care,

Tom

I hope you get your miracle. It will take one for him to ever believe that he ever was the love of your life.

I am trying so hard to hold myself together and to be patient. I continue to tell him how much I love him. It really isn't fair when people try to discourage you here from at least trying. They DO NOT know what is in my heart. MY HUSBAND IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I could have left him at any point over the last few months, but deep down I knew who I loved and where I wanted to be. Something I told him "I could talk the talk, but I couldn't walk the walk". Meaning I said a lot of things, things he read, that were words that I truly didn't mean, but I could never leave him. He will have to be the one to walk.

i'm sorry this is happening to you LNL, and i know someone else has said it to you... but are you kidding me? "how much" you love him? really? you loved him enough that after 25 years of marriage you went and had an affair w/ someone else bc your betrayed husband wasnt showing you affection? this is the one reason why facebook can be pure evil. you can already tell i'm a BH like your H. so for months you went on and on with the A after "confessing" which was all lies anyway only going no contact recently. that's called a false recovery LNL. you should read up on that. FR's can be even worse than discovering your wayward spouse was unfaithful. first you delivered the hugest blow to his ego then lied repeatedly when you said it was over. and only one time did you two fornicate? doubt that. more like everytime you two "bumped" into each other ("an occasional accidentally on purpose encounter"? where? in a motel? you are obviously holding back the truth/facts here bc you are concerned how he will and the rest of us on MB will react to you. no more lies LNL). your H begged you to break it off. what finally prompted you to wake up was when your BH had had enough of this.

he finally made the decision that he had to stop the pain, stop the bleeding. there comes a point where enough is enough. "MY HUSBAND IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE." well he certainly wasnt when you were with the OM was he? "hold yourself together and be patient"? after destroying your H, betraying your most sacred vows to him you should be so lucky that your BH hasnt run in the opposite direction. Tom is absolutely correct when he says that if your BH hasnt pursued D yet, then you have a chance.

and what were the "words that i truly didnt mean"? you mustve said ILY to the OM, no? repeatedly? and insofar as your H have to be the "one to walk" well that is his prerogative, no? on the one hand i would like to show you some compassion but just cannot bc you are still quite foggy and not to be trusted. you cannot blame your H for disbelieving you right now. he has absolutely no reason to believe anything you say. actions. not words. you expect your BH to just turn around real quick and say "ok LNL, i love you still and everything is great. thanks for coming back"?

Tom is correct. heed his advice. and for the record LNL, you are not the victim here and should seek out sympathy elsewhere if that is your goal. be prepared for others to call you out on this. go peek at the thread of WPG or wulff pack girl in the Recovery forum. it will give you a better sense of the hill you will need to climb.

LNL2

I believe what you have in your heart as real.



I wrote you back on 3-25





You wrote in response





This is what should be done in a good healthy marriage anyways. Do your AMENDS appear extrordinary to you?


From the merriam-webster dictionary


apology

an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret



Not much action required with an apology.


amends

compensation for a loss or injury

This is what Dr H talks about as just compensation. There is true action performed because as a wayward we know we have hurt our spouse in the worst way possible.

You wrote in response to another post this





Have you provided the EP list to your BH yet?


The poster posted this link. It is quite important that you understand this is the list we give our spouse regardless of their frame of mind. WE AS THE WAYWARD work off of this JUST COMPESATION list (AMENDS list)

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558780&page=1


You see feelings follow actions. YOUR ACTIONS-What you say you will do-

from the Extrodinary Precautions list

When you follow it to a T is the action your BH may see and respond to over time.

Burn this into your brain because you may need to repeat these actions over and over and over:

Feelings follow actions. Feelings follow actions. Feelings follow actions.

In order for you to see a change in your BH's feelings towards you, you will need to provide the actions he sees.

REPEATEDLY-And with no expectations.


nESRE wrote




You wrote



You need to provide the JUST COMPENSATION for him to see that you are willing to do the hard work to stay in the Marriage. This and time will help and may convince him to reconsider his decision about D.

Hope this helps

nESRE

To add to what savemymarr wrote maybe this will help.
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

I am not the victim, and I don't pretend to be. I want to help my husband, and my family, to heal from the pain I have caused.

I have decided that this forum is not where I need to be. The discouraging words are making me think I should give up, something I do not want to do. We aren't divorced yet. NO ONE knows what is in MY heart and NO ONE should think they do.

Did you read the above link? Someone who has walked in your shoes.

Read and tell us what you think.

LNL2

I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to A's.

As a wayward husband I felt the shame, guilt, self loathing and confusion of delivering the worst emotional pain possible to my wife. In my own fog I was not equipped to help my W let alone myself. I spent 3 months in an apartment totally by myself and seeing my BW-dating her again.

This was before MB's was even on-line.

As a BH I personally know the pain many feel here and would have accepted my now XW back to try marital recovery up to the day our D was final had she committed to my list of conditions. I initiated the D. The A was at least 5 years long and many FR's occured.

I hope you will reconsider before leaving this forum. Even if your M can not be saved you may end up having the satisfaction of knowing you tried as hard as you could.

We all make mistakes in life. It is the actions we take after admitting our mistakes that define our true character.


If you don't like the advice a certain poster is giving you have the option from where you are to click on the users name. When that comes up you will see the option to "ignore this user". When you do that their posts will no longer show. It is your option.

I don't believe there are many here that like to see marriages fail. In fact I believe you still have a shot since your still in the same bed in the same house and BH is not persuing the D.

My personal opinion is BH is watching close to see if any changes in you are real and permanent. You have an opportunity window here.

My suggesstion is to use it wisely. This collective group on MB's has many that will help to guide you along the way like no other place I have known.

nESRE

It is a consequence to your affair. You may have to endure this for the rest of your life.

The goal right now is to not put those words on your heart. When he tells you something like that you show him more love. His words come from hurt. I promise you there is love it is just buried beneath the pain.

Your actions only will demonstrate to him your sincerity. With each hurtful word become more determined to break down his wall of pain and heal him.

Determination
Perseverance
Patience

Life will be good!!!

I would like to say I'm sorry for my earlier post LNL. I wish you luck in your effort to regain the love of your BH and recover your marriage. PI is correct. Your actions coupled with your perseverance, determination and patience will dictate your success. Your BH does have love for you somewhere deep inside his heart. Stick with it. No April fools there. I will be praying for your success. It CAN get better. You have to lead.

Lost, if the truth being spoken here is discouraging to you, where will you go? To a place where honesty isn't necessary? Is that really the advice you want?

If you feel a sting when reading a post, you should re-read it. You'll find valuable information there. Understand that some of the people posting to you are people who are in your husband's shoes. They are uniquely qualified to enlighten you as to how he may be feeling.

Here's the thing, Lost. What you did to your husband is a pain beyond measure. What you are feeling is nothing compared to what he is going through. You are feeling pain for your husband, I believe that. But I also believe that part of what you are feeling is fear over the loss of what has really been a pretty good life for you. You are feeling remorse because the loss of your home and family will be caused by your actions.

Having no crystal ball handy I can't say if your marriage will make it or not. I do know that you and your husband are in the early days of dealing with this affair. I think this could go either way. I find it encouraging that your H has not filed for D. I am a big believer in recovery because my FWH (former wayward husband) and I have climbed that mountain and we made it to the top. The view there is great It's difficult, but it's worth it. If your H is willing. It's his call.

As far as what you can do to begin to compensate him for the pain you created: there may be very little that he will acknowledge right now when it comes to any effort on your part. Do it anyway. This is for you, as well - obviously your boundaries were poor. You need to overhaul your personal standards to protect yourself going forward. If your marriage recovers it will be critical that these boundaries be in place.

There is no reason for you to keep FB. GO is right - you'll be triggered every time you get on there. If your H chooses to remain in the M, just knowing that you have a FB account will be a trigger for him. The world will continue spinning nicely without it and you won't wither from lack of socialization. Shut down your account.

Read SAA from cover to cover. Share it with your H as much as he will allow.

Stay here and learn much.

The title of your thread is:
"I want my life back..."

Well, you can. BUT not on your terms. You see, it's been on your terms so far- you 'finally' confessed your A.

But you were continuing your A after your confession. You were not even near recovery. You in fact, did not wish to consider recovery until you realized your husband was 'done'. You did not want to consider recovery until you realized you couldn't have your cake and eat it to. It wasn't until he was so broken down that you decided to privilege him(?) with hope of recovery.

How long has it been since you've actually had NO CONTACT?

Not very long obviously. So now it's time to start recovery on someone's terms except your own. You think you can just turn around such cruel devastation in a few weeks or months? Now, it is time for you to realize how deep you have truly destroyed things - and how much harder it will be to recover.

Cut it out.
You don't have time to play the violin for yourself.
Start working on "amends", as advised.

Pick yourself up.
Dust yourself off.
Start putting MB into action.
That, and only that, will demonstrate a truly remorseful heart.

I am back. After a lot of thought and prayer last night plus a new development, I know I cannot do this on my own. I have to have support, advise, and the encouraging posts that I do get to try to make this work. My husband is my #1 focus. Yes, I do get down and dishearted, but that is because I know that all this could have been prevented. I have not shared the events that led up to the A, and those are not important right now. It is something that will need to be addressed later, if/when we start working to rebuild our marriage. Regardless, the events were no excuse for what I did.

A new development..I guess I have now drove my BH to drinking. Something he never did. He is keeping it hid from me for now, but I have seen the evidence. I do not want to bring this up to him right now. I am very concerned that it could a problem. Do I blame him for trying to find some way to cope?...No. I do wish he would consider medical attention/advise instead. So now I have something else to deal with and more added guilt as well.

This is what I have done and am working on....
Facebook deleted
Hope to have new cell number tomorrow
New email set up and presently working on getting everything transferred so that I can delete the old one.
Went through clothes and threw away some tops that my BH accused me of wearing around the OM because of low necklines. Actually they were clothes I already had and that I had bought with my husband present, but I threw them away just the same.
Looking for a new car, because OM was in mine

There is NO CONTACT and will be NO CONTACT with OM
If the OM finds a way to contact me, I will block that contact and let my H know
I will be O&H
H will have all passwords
H will have access to my phone at all time when home
I will account for all my time
I will not go alone to town where OM lives
I will put a keylogger on computer if H requests
Any other boundries my H requests I will agree to

Yes I read this and thank you for reposting it for me. I saved the link and will continue to read it and reread it.

Thank you. I will continue to repeat these words over and over.

LIL2,

NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! This forum is EXACTLY where you need to be. I almost walked away from it as well because the honesty of the people and situation were almost too much for me to handle.

That would have been the biggest mistake of my life...other than my A.

It hurts to hear the truth and it really hurts to be rejected. Itsn't that the lame excuse so many people who have an A use...I was lonely, feeling rejected...blah blah blah. But this is where we are and this is the true test of who we want to be.

Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I put myself in my H's shoes and really try to understand what he is feeling. Believe me, sometimes that is very hard especially since he had his own RA.

Your H is scared to tell you he loves you because he does not feel safe with you. My H is the same way. He is protecting himself because the pain is too much for him right now. It is not safe for him to trust you or allow you to think that he does.

He needs time healing, and to see you willing to be with him no matter what he says or does. Again, I know it is hard and I have a lot of hopeless days. You have to pick yourself up and keep going just like your H had to do for so long while you were in the fog.

Everything I just told you, I learned on this site by people on both ends of the fence. As ML and nESRE, and a number of other people have said, you are not going to like everything you hear, but you need to listen!

Uh-huh. That's not atypical, for a betrayed spouse to resort to self-medication in order to numb their pain. For the rest of my life I will sport a scar on my temple for the same reason.

My H disclosed the A to me early in the morning on D-Day. I went through the day in a daze, worked out at the gym and then stopped at the store and bought two bottles of wine that I promptly started slugging down when I got home. You're not seeing any reference to eating in this story because I didn't eat at all that day. (Or the next two, but I digress.)

Anyway, by 10 that night I was a slurring, heart-broken mess. I sat down on the edge on our bed and immediately did a face-plant into the corner of our dresser, proving the Principle that two solid objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

Betrayal will do that to a person.

It would really be helpful if your BH would come here. If you see any sign of receptiveness when you get SAA, please tell him that their are people here who can help him.