I am not going to give you advice that doesn't address the problem. Just because you don't realize the real problem doesnt' mean others don't. If you go to the doctor with a hangnail and he sees you have cancer, are you going to get mad when he tells you that you have cancer?

SO whats the real problem Melody? Everything I have read and listened to encourages me that we can learn to be better are you telling me that because we aren't married that isn't the case.

Did you read my posts?

I have ALL of Dr Harleys BOOKS. I have read them all. He is working on reading all of them .He has gotten through two I believe but I could be wrong. And yes I know we have been living as renters actually to be more accurate we have taken turns going back and forth at different times taking different roles.I do not think that is particular to our relationship though. I believe I have posted this twice already we are not living together. Thanks

Like I said, I would focus on the book, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders and work on changing bad habits developed by living together. There is a chapter in there on how to change a renter to a buyer.

So you have lovebusters then? Did you read the chapter on AO and the one on DJ?

Did you read Buyer's, Renters and Freeloaders?

So what did the good doctor not make clear in his books?

Read that book thanks we are working together on getting married. He cannot come off the road because we intend to move to the state he lives in so he can run local and not be away overnight. I just wanted advice on how to manage my AO DJ but apparently because I am unmarried I could not possibly feel anything because it's just not the same. Have a nice day.

Yes I know these two are my worst love busters. I can't seem to get away from the triggers right at the moment so I was hoping for some advice. Sorry I bothered anyone.

When I used to have AO, Dr. Harley told me no one "makes me have AO" I control my own behaviour. So I walk away when I feel one coming on and I stop.

When I think of DJ, I change my thinking.

Listen to these radio clips Anger Mgmt 101

So what are you doing about his traveling job?

Well we are doing what we can really. I go with him when I can. I can call him whenever I need to. I have the account for the phone so I can check all his txt and calls. He deleted his facebook. Removed all his female friends he understands from listening to DR Harley he just can't have them. WE are doing the workbook but that one is hard I tend to want to verbalize instead of write but I am working on that.His mother knows about the EA and she was very upset with him so she is keeping an eye on him at home. He wants me to put a keylogger on his computer. He is making an EP list right now for us to go over. We are working on the POJA. I think we are doing ok. I found that radio snippet just two days ago and it has helped tons. Was just wondering if anyone could give me more advice. I tend to do better with flooding but it makes SO uncomfortable so I am trying to find another way to deal with the AO DJ because I just can't get away from the triggers. Thanks

This is a good read, markos struggled with AO and learned to get them under control. Markos Thread

Thank you Brainhurts!

It can't help your relationship because by definition your relationship is a 'freeloaders' type of relationship whereby definition you are each only committed while it feels good.

His Needs, Her Needs will only work in a 'buyers' type of relationship.

You should read the book 'The One' also called 'Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders' for more information.

If this were an only when it feels good relationship I assure you I wouldn't be here right now. Thanks

Markos Thread was extremely helpful. Thank you again BrainHurts.
I think I tend to do the same thing I let the LB build up a bit too much, often because I am trying to find the best gentle way to say your being incredibly thoughtless of my feelings right now.I just need to adjust my language more and get a bit faster, I am getting better though.

So he was with you for 12 years and you guys never got around to marriage, he had an affair, married someone else, divorced, and is now back with you, but still triggered by another woman.

^This is why people keep bringing up the renter's situation. He's willing to get married - just not to you. Sorry, he's made that clear. He will leave you when something better comes along. And he will probably do it again.

You can do everything you can in this world to try and be the perfect partner/prospective wife but you are ignoring the big elephant in the room - he doesn't want to commit to you. He keeps you around until better things come along.

Sorry, it is what it is. You can change yourself but you can't change him. Changing yourself will not make him want to commit to you.

Actually, Dr. Harley says that 20% of us have good relationship habits. And those 20% are married. Non-married people living together are extremely unlikely to develop good relationship habits.

Dr. Harley has a daily radio show where he gives a lot more information; one thing he talks about frequently is the statistical breakdown of how many marriages end up happy, and how. Years ago when almost everybody else was studying failing relationships, he had the foresight to study the relationships that worked so he could find out what they did.

When you are sarcastic like this, that's a disrespectful judgment.

Now, there's no reason you HAVE to be respectful to everybody, but it might be a good idea to start practicing new habits, at least if you want to overcome a serious habit of DJ and AO. If you know anything about Dr. Harley's works, you know that he sees a progression from SD to DJ to AO. Eliminate the demands and disrespect, and the anger becomes much less of a problem.

Married couples: 80% develop bad relationship habits.

Non-married couples: near-100% develop bad relationship habits.