This is VERY constructive advice. I suspect it upset you only because she is saying the truth. You might want to read it again.

Read the beginning of My Thread. Much of the advice and comments would pertain to you as well. It may be easier to stomach seeing them written about someone else.

Would write more, but gotta run to good friday service.

You told us your "plan" in the first post: to continue to deceive your victim:


THAT is your plan. To just leave your husband without telling him why and leaving him to worry and wonder.

You weren't "asking for advice" with that comment, you were telling us you WON'T tell your husband. You told us your little plan.

ohhhh, I see what you mean about "plan". I thought it meant plan to confess and fix it. Yes, THAT plan
I am pretty sure he will leave me when I tell him, and I am prepared to pay that price for what I did.
It's not that I won't tell him.....I am just so terrified.

I am in a bit of a panic here knowing that I must confess, so I may not always be clear.
I just read the "recovery guide for wayward wives". It all sounds so difficult and yet many people are saying it is worth it. YIKES

I understand it is terrifying! It is a hard thing to tell someone. And he has a right to leave if he chooses. That is up to him.

It is very hard, but it is worth it to regain your integrity.

Huh. How about that. You're lying about this, and we can confirm it by just looking at your posts. Your quotes are NOWHERE IN YOUR POSTS. In what way am I 'sounding nasty'? You don't like what I'm saying? Why do you think that is?

ETA: Ah, I see it in your second post, when you decide to admit your 'secret'. I'm talking combing your first post for that "I was unfaithful" phrase you quoted.

SadSam,

Don't worry about your BH being angry, worry about him being indifferent. The opposite of Love is not Hate but indifference.

Take the time now to write out what you did who, what, when, where why and how, so you will be prepared for his questions. This will help you to avoid trickle truthing him. Write out a timeline of the critical details too.

God Bless
Gamma

Totally correct. I would never betray my husband by crawling into the sack with another man. Yes, sadsam, you are correct - I am a survivor of my husband's affair. Do you think I have an axe to grind? Yes, I do. And it's all to help you. I know the devastasion that is caused by an affair because my husband and I survived his. I am trying to help you survive yours. I don't like women who have sex with other men's wives, I won't deny that. But I will always help a wayward spouse who is remorseful and truly wants help to turn away from their sin. You don't appear to be that person. Explain to me why I am wrong.

I wrote this to you ten hours ago:

Warning: Many WWs come here looking for absolution and accommodation for their infidelities. They don't find it. What they find is the advice in the notes following your first in this thread. They often refuse, and start excusing, justifying and alibi-ing. That leads to frustration here ("She asked for advice; we gave it; she tells us we're wrong, she's "special"!)and the resulting discourse soon resembles "bashing". Avoid that path, take our advice.

MB, IG, and ML are the best we have in coaching people through their trials in infidelity-recovery. Listen to them, please. You wanted to leave you husband and family out of shame. The folks here are giving you a more honorable and honest way of dealing with that burden. You may find that your family will aid you. If not, you will be no worse off than had you simply continued your flight from responsibility.

I urge you to follow the path of integrity that they have laid out for you.

Maritalbliss,
Sorry, I didn't say I had been UNfaithful, I said I had only been faithful when I had children at home. I meant that I had been unfaithful. (cheated, had affair etc. etc.)

I will try to choose my words more carefully.


Gamma,
I have been sitting here for hours writing and rewriting dates and facts trying to remember every shameful thing......I am going to see him tomorrow.

Neverguessed,
I am not looking for absolution and accommodation for my infidelities. I have no excuse and no alibi. I am looking for help in this process. I HAVE to get free.

I am not sure how to appear any different, I am just trying to get through this. Could you explain to me what I should be asking or saying differently?

1. How should I tell my husband? What should I include?
2. If he wants to recover the marriage, what should be the next steps?
3. Can anyone help me w/EPs? I'm not sure where to start.
Sorry for weird numbering - bloody tablet! I can't scroll down below number 4.
5. How can I meet his ENs if he won't let me?
Qs like these help you get started!
4. Can I get some help figuring out my h,s ENs

Do your husband a favor and come straight out with it when you tell him. Don't beat around the bush and couch your sentences like this. If you've been unfaithful, say you've been unfaithful. Don't pretty it up by talking about all your years of being a good girl when what you really need to be talking about is something bad that you did. You've phrased it to set yourself in the best possible light, and that's disingenuous. Of course we figured out quickly that you were having an affair in your first post because you're on an infidelity forum. My reason for pointing this out to you is that I suspect you duck and weave when it suits you. Don't do this to your husband.

You need to sit down with him when the two of you have time to be alone, and you need to TELL HIM THE TRUTH. Will he be upset? Oh, I am quite sure. Will he be outraged? I don't know, will he? Consider talking to him in a park or other public place if he has a history of being violent, although I get a sense that this wouldn't be a problem. I can tell you one thing he WILL be: a small part of him will be relieved to finally understand why things have been so wrong between the two of you. Because he'll instinctively know that you can't fix something unless you know what it is that's broken.

This will be his Ground Zero. Yep, he might leave you (which shouldn't be too disruptive, since YOU already left HIM ). He does have that option, and it's totally up to him.

Answer any question he has. Don't sugar-coat your answers, don't pretty them up, and cut out that duck and weave crap. Give him the information he requires. This is step 1. You still have work to do in this stage of disclosure: disclosing to your children, your family, your pastor and especially the OM's wife. You understand that this has to be a complete cleansing, right?

"What can I do to help heal the damage caused by my infidelity?"

When we really examine ourselves, it becomes obvious that we tell others (except for our victims) about our infidelity in order to alleviate some of our guilt.

We also tell others (except for our victims) in order to control the damage. In other words we don't want others to judge us, so we release SOME of the truth in order to not appear so evil, i.e. damage control. We justify and rationalize our actions with these half truths. The part we share "IS" truth, but it's not the "WHOLE TRUTH", i.e. again damage control. We want to look like sheep and not look like the wolves we are, hence the expression, "wolves in sheeps clothing". That's what all waywards become, wolves in sheeps clothing, until we take inventory, clean up the damage, trust God and make amends.

I'm glad you are ready to follow that path of truth and honesty. Do not hide anything, for the truth has a way of finding itself out sooner or later and the damage is tenfold when that happens.

We've seen many waywards attempt to minimize the extent of their affair or try to hide details of the affair, only to be found out later. The same excuse is used every time, "I just wanted to protect my spouse". But it's to late by then, the damage is even more extensive than the initial disclosure.

IMO you should have another couple available to be at your home when you disclose the truth. This needs to be someone that will not justify your actions, nor take your side. They are support for him and accountabilty for you. All involved need to know that he is the victim of all these events. And as harsh as it may feel to hear me say it, all involved must remember you are the perpetrator.

Again, I'm encouraged to read that you are going to tell your husband the truth..

Your children need to know the truth after this, in order to give their dad the support he deserves. It will be an arduous journey for all of you, but the truth will give all of you the best chance at surviving this course of events.

ok....I told him.
I came right out and said that during our marriage I have had affairs.
No excuse, not fault of his, nothing. Only request I had was that when he tells our children, I am present and we do it together.

So much for ducking and whatever the other word was.

How did he respond?

He is hurting like h***. Are you comforting him?

You must be sure not to paint your affairs in a positive light.

Do not spin it, in any way.

I came right out and said that during our marriage I have had affairs.

Congratulations on taking the first necessary step back to honor and responsibility, SS.

Let us know how we can help you, and/or your BH and family, now.