Ok, so if I get ahead of that problem.....also want to mention that I'm the second lover he's had in his life...first was his first girlfriend at 18, so he's also got this curiosity about what sex is life with other people...... he says he missed out on sowing his oats.

I'm not that inexperienced and no longer have the desire to have sex with other men...sure I can see a hot guy at the mall but I don't want to pursue anything because I was content sexually at home.

My concern is the desire he has to add a third person to the sex to spice it up and that he doesn't mind "sharing" me....

So being the wise [censored] that I am, I said.."well hell, let's just go all polyamorous and find me a few more men to add to the mix and have our own unique family....to whose he said he would "cry and ask for a divorce".....so his boundary is I can have sex with another man if he is present but if I wanted to fall in love with other men and work them into the equation=deal breaker......so bizarre.

Thanks for taking the time to read my sad tales of woe.

If he wants to "sow his oats," then he needs to get divorced.


I would be concerned too. Which is why he needs to lose the porn. He has creepy ideas like that because he is meeting his EN for SF outside of marriage. Once he gets that need met exclusively by you, it will be spicy enough.

Swinging is just another word for adultery and what usually happens when a husband pimps his wife out to some other man, is she ends up falling in love with one of the men. When one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. When this happens, the man is on the phone crying to Dr Harley about his wife's "affair."

Listen to this radio clip from Dr. H on open M.
Radio clip on open marriages

I checked his history today and last sunday he did a google search for her profile on Facebook and on google plus= it's been three months since DDay and I don't know why he did this...should I confront or just watch?

I don't want to be in false recovery

OK, I spoke with him in a non love busting way about the search history. He didn't try to lie about it and said that he was curious if there was anything to find about her and that he would always have a curiosity about her ( just like the one other women he loved before meeting me) but he has "control" over it. That he can look at the affair from a logical stand point not from such a emotional one. *sigh*

He said he normally doesn't think of the OW except when he's driving to work and hearing certain songs that remind him of their deep emotional connection ( his words)..

Then he said he doesn't remember having such a hard time getting over the previous woman he loved before me......, that he had resentment and disappointment with her because it went sour

This online love was so short that it never went bad, and was interrupted before it got really juicy and or went sour, so it feels "unfinished"...course her being in Iran makes it impossible and that also is a huge draw, the whole "impossible, love that can never be romantic gooey wonderfulness of his special scientific minded black hole masters degree college student...... can you tell I'm venting here?

When does this withdrawal end...and her writing him a email two months after DDay seems to have picked the scab again and restarted the withdrawal clock???

this sucks

Contact does reset withdrawal, yes. He has to change his email address, immediately.

What you should do, also, is completely block facebook on your computer. It is incredibly dangerous to your marriage.

I have another question.

Spouses main emotional needs in order of importance were affection, sex, recreational activities, conversation, looks, which obviously with a online affair none of those needs were met,

I'm meeting those needs here in person, so why does a residual attachment to her still linger??? Is it the excitement, the dopamine? what keeps a EA going when there was nothing ever physical to remember? No hand holding, dates, smiles, smells, sex, shared memories, activities etc??


I don't get it.

How come I feel like I could be Rachel Welch and he would still think of her?

Email is changed....she wrote to him several weeks back but he google searched her last sunday, a few weeks later..... he then searched under Facebook, then google plus, then a generic search via her real name....

I didn't see any more searches with the exception of that day. So he "plugged" back into a memory or scratched the scab.

Is this the OW where it got busted up before anything "went sour"?

That might be why. I suspect contact...this just doesn't add up...

Yes, online ow that lasted a few weeks before I caught him.

He is keeping himself triggered by looking up that skank on the internet. And yes, the email did start him right back to day 1 of recovery.

But don't despair, if you REALLY follow this program this time, he will transfer his emotional connection to YOU and forget about her. You have a distinct advantage over her in that you are married to him if that happens.

The way for him to have that connection with you is to follow this program RELIGIOUSLY. By that, I mean you cut out the porn, affair proof your marriage and most importantly strictly adhere to 20+ hours of UA time. Corner cutters don't transform their marriages.

Affection, converstation and probably sexual fulfillment were met. Those are THREE of the top 4 intimate emotional needs.

Did you tell him about the porn?

Go look in the mirror! There you are!

First of all OG affairs are addictions and trying to understand an addict is very frustrating. There are many, many BS on this board that their WS Emotional Needs were being met 100% but because of their WS poor boundaries affairs happened.

Your WH has very poor boundaries and that is why he keeps "googling" to find information on this OW.

First step besides exposure of his affairs will be to take away his source to his addiction. The computer is his source and so this needs to go.

Second, did he write a NC letter to this woman?

How much UA time do you spend together? That is the answer right there. It takes 15 hours to maintain romantic love and 20 to create.

So, does he think he's a farmer, or what? Does he miss running around, having sex with women and planting his 'seeds' willy-nilly? That's what 'sowing oats' means. How many women does he want to have sex with? And WHY? How many oats does he want to sow?

You know his comment is ridiculous, right?

Don't play games with him. Don't say anything you don't mean. You don't mean this. Don't say it.

He did write one while we were separated which I did not know he was going to do. It was all wrong, it spoke poetic of their hope sand dreams that can never be, you are a wonderful person, go forth and be happy and I do love you type stuff, she gave a quick terse reply, but then followed that up with a more heartfelt one almost two months later. He didn't reply to her and forwarded it to me ASAP.

We both felt we shouldn't respond to that in order not to keep her engaged. I am wondering if a proper nc letter is needed or should we just leave it alone at this point in the mess.

We are getting our 20 of u/a each week, having intimacy etc so I'm so bothered by his residual feelings foe her. He's thought of her longer than he was involved with her and I'm sick of thinking of it too, it's

How did she write him 2 months later? Didn't he change his email address?

I would encourage a proper NC letter with you seeing it and sending it and then change that email address. If this is what you need. You have these correct, No contact Letter Samples

Did you ask about the porn?

He changed it after the second email from her. Of course all that is pointless if HE goes behind my back and triggers himself to search for her right? I don't know if you saw earlier in the thread but my spouse is a internet security expert meaning he could run circles around me and any attempts I make to put spyware on his computers. He owns servers and multiple computers both here and at his office so checking and closing "one" computer is not the easiest thing to do.

Our home office looks like the computer lab of a science fiction set. He even pointed out as he was closing emails and setting up ways to not have contact that is was technically "symbolic" because if a person wants to continue to have contact they can just set up multiple accounts, buy throw away phones etc... so at some point I can't outsmart his "desire" to find a way to reach her if he really wanted to.

That is the rub--- he can say he does all those things and show me proof but if his heart truly isn't into recommitting than how do I work that?

I guess at that point I have to ask myself I can live with the fear that he could at any time for the rest of our marriage, contact her without telling me...50% of the recovery is hoping he is as invested in saving this as me right?

Porn= many many conversations about it. He has cut out the use of it greatly since I returned from my trip. Will he do it when I'm gone?? I don't know-- I explained to him that his sexual needs are being met by that while I'm starving for sexual closeness with him.

As you can see I am working with a lot of marital issues and the cyber affair was icing on the dysfunctional cake.