Mike, what can we do to help?

Been there. I have always thought that it is because things that are significant to the BS are just as INsignificant to the WS. The physical acts that are like a dagger through the heart to the BS, are just an act to the WS. If you had a sexual history prior to your M, do you remember dates and details about each of those events? No, because at the end of the day they are just events that all blend together short from a few stand out situations perhaps. That is what the WS feels about their affair events.

If you read my own thread you know I too struggle with the 'never talk about anything regarding the A again...' advice I have received, so I have nothing to say about that. Good luck getting through your marker day, if you need to vent you can always come here.

Nothing.

Its on me.

Wrote her a long email basically bring up the past and then deleted it.

Not sure reminding her of a blowjob she gave another guy is going to solve anything but show her Im still stuck in her affair. She knows this.

See, I learned enough here to know outlining the blow by blow (ahem) of her sin against our vows will do nothing for either of us.

Just keeping the team posted on whats going on in this noggin. Much of it is going to stay in there.

I didnt have an extravagant history before my wife but I do remember quite a few of the experiences. Dates. Where it happened. And they were 20 years ago plus.

So when she says she cant recollect details like she did during the days of 'open questioning' that happened within the passed 5 or 6, I think shes protecting me or herself.

This is all ancient history all described to length on my my SAA thread. And, the beat down I took from everyone for dwelling on it is there too.

If I dont watch out, a whipping is coming my way today.

Let us know how to make it better, okay?

May I suggest ways to make it WORSE?

* Decline to acknowledge to her the calendar's obvious significance. Stew alone without taking her into your heart by saying something that SHE ALREADY KNOWS like, "I'm looking forward to getting past this weekend, but it'll be tough doing so."

* Stay passive and inactive so that the MIND is free to go where you do NOT want it to go. Make absolutely sure it's just the two of you, all day, watching the clock tick by until Monday.

* Ignore your children. What can they do to help, anyway?

* Try to dull/buffer the pain with alcohol.

* Skip religious services. He never helped anyone with a crisis of faith, did he?

It has been suggested I read your thread. Think I started but didn't get very far that day, will have to revisit. Then I can learn from your beat down vicariously rather than be subject to my own.

I think it comes down to us wanting them to hurt like we hurt. After all, why should they get a free pass when we were the innocent parties???

BUT... the marriage is not made better by trying to equalize the pain.

I know it's not easy, but you were right in not sending that email. You do need to let your wife help you through this but you need to do so productively.

Hello Mike,

For those of us like you and I lucky enough to actually have a remorseful FWW there is something you must know...

and remind yourself of on a daily basis.

Unlike those that are NOT remorseful it actually causes your W and mine huge amounts of PAIN to remember the actual events that destroyed our marriages.

I imagine it's a little like everytime you have a mental image of your shame having a hot poker shoved into your eye...

and having to remember that OVER and OVER everytime you and I have a flashback to the PAIN they caused us also causes them to have a similar PAIN recalling the wretched events.

Mike, because she is remorseful, SHE hurts evertime YOU hurt.

She loves you, Mike, that is why it HURTS her to recall what she did to you...

Asking her to relive that PAIN over and over does not help YOU or HER.

She is trying DESPERATELY to forget and forgive her former self and concentrate on LOVING you and you keep bringing it up.

It hurts the love between you and keeps it from healing.

Dr.Harley reminds us to NOT keep bringing it up over and over once you have your answers and there is a very good reason for his statement.

You have to stop making her relive her shame if you want her love for you to grow and prosper.

Good luck, my friend, you CAN do this.

God bless.

Jim

MikeSS,

My wife cant remember anything about the affair. How is this possible? OK, its was a LTA and maybe she can remember the first time this happened or that happened.

There is a real conflict here between honesty and LBing.

I know my W has not come clean out of fear, shame and embarrassment, she says she doesn't want to remember, this is like telling me not to think of something which only stimulates me to want to know.

Until exposed however, those repressed memories will continue to have a bad influence on our marriage, so I really don't think you can ever just leave the mess and move on single sidedly.

God Bless
Gamma

Repressed memories?

Puh.


It's not like post-fog amnesia is isolated to particular waywards.

Memory recall requires context. A color, a shape, a smell, a feeling, a song, an item... you know... triggers.

After discovery, exposure, and all of the fallout following the end of an affair a repentent wayward will no longer have the emotional context to properly recall certain memories.

THAT ISN'T A BAD THING.

The fact that memories that were encoded under the effects of affair-fog no longer have an emotional context for recall means... that the wayward can't effectively wax romantic with those memories.

Why wouldn't they want to recall those memories now?

Because they are now associated with guilt, shame, and pain.

So... yes, maybe when they hit a period of those emotions, there may be some recall, but even that will be fuzzy as the memories were originally encoded with foggy emotions.

So a year... or several years later?

The only thing you are digging for is large LB$ deficits for the both of you.

No argument here.

Are you doing the online program or called the coaching center?

OMW dropped an email to see how things were as we approach one year out.

First time we had any contact in 2012.

Told her 'terrific' and said bye.

I wonder if she has reason to believe her WH is communicating with someone and wants to know if it might be your W?

MSS,

Why not send her a few anniversary gifts?

The name of a good divorce lawyer

The name of a good PI

The name of a good gynecologist for STD testing.

A spyware program

A voice activated recorder or video recorder

A GPS for OM car.

A link to marriage builders.

God Bless
Gamma

ETA

Why not send her this?
Marriage Builders

Or better yet, how about this.
Video:Infidelity: What Every Couple Needs to Know

Really, Gamma? You think MSS should intentionally inflict pain on his co-victim, to make himself feel.....less damaged?

No. Sincerely, passionately NO!

Mike, you're beyond that, I hope.

Here's looking forward to Monday morning, dude!

I don't know what G is talking about.

My wife and I got a 1500 word manifesto from omw basically blaming my wife for the entire affair. I have to do some editing but I'll put it up here eventually.

More or less called my wife evil with proof to back up her claim.

Wife took it hard. I told her to forget about it. Omw literally gave no blame to her husband. He's the victim.

I have no compassion in this for her anymore, omw.

Not sending her here now.

She needs MB more than most with all that anger.