Hi All,

It's been a tough ride but the dust has settled and after reading many of the posts I was hoping to get some advice as it relates to my situation.

I am 44 my wife is 40. We have been together for 18 years and married for the last 13. My wife hit me with the I love you but am not in love with you back in late February and my life has been an emotional nightmare ever since. I, like many others, did not see this coming and I was devastated. She proceeded to tell me that she wanted a divorce and how this was a good thing for both of us as I was never really attracted to her (so not true). She showed no remorse and felt that we could still be the greatest of friends.

I proceeded to do everything that I shouldn't have. I became very emotional and cried a lot and I tried to make her see how much I loved her but I do know her very well and nothing was adding up so I began to suspect that she was having an affair. She denied it for two weeks but I knew in my heart I was correct. I found some proof when she went out of town to see some girl friends and she took a sexy nightgown with her. Of course when I confronted her she was upset and angry with me for my lack of trust.

Well, about a week later she had a sitter come over and said that she needed to talk with me. She then told me about the OM. She met him on-line (he lives 2 states away) about 6 months ago and had slept with him twice. He is married and has two kids and is a great man that she is in love with. His wife had cheated on him and he was in a miserable marriage and they had so much in common! I felt sick. To make matters worse his wife has family less than a mile from our house and was in town for Christmas when she snuck out and slept with him the first time.

Over the past two weeks I have made her tell her family what she has done and she has decided that she does want to try to save the marriage and has stopped communicating with the OM. She has said she is sorry but has yet to show any true remorse for her actions. She told me yesterday that she had a tough day and cried with her mother. When I pushed her as to what she was crying about she finally told me it was because she was sad that the OM was in town with his wife and kids for Easter and she was sad that she could not see him (have sex with him - she stopped having sex with 3 months ago). This is soooo tough to hear. We do have our first counseling session on Thursday but I am confused on how to proceed. I still love her and want to fix our marriage as I do own 50% of what caused her to become unhappy but she owns 100% of the affair. Any advice on how I should proceed?

Welcome to MB, SS1. Your story is horrible to hear, and I'm sorry.

My first advice would be to cancel the counselling session and phone or email the MB coaching centre for a telephone coaching session. You will be coached through using Dr Harley's programme to end the affair and rebuild your marriage.

If your wife knew that OM was in town for Easter, then she has some contact with him, otherwise she could not have known this. You stated "she does want to try to save the marriage and has stopped communicating with the OM" but I very much doubt that this is true. She is in love with him and she is hoping that somehow, the affair can resume. The OM is a married cake-eater and will gladly take the free sex she supplied if she finds a way to keep it coming. They both want to keep it going.

Don't be surprised if they met over Easter while he was in town.

You need to expose this affair to OM's wife and snoop and spy on all your wife's communications. She is probably lying to you about contact and you need to know if contact is continuing. You will never be able to recover your marriage if it is.

Thank you for your quick response! I will say that I am confident that she did not see him as I was with her the whole weekend however you bring up some very good points. How did she know he was in town? Also, I have tried but I cannot find out who the OM is. I asked me wife for the 50th time yesterday if she would tell me as I wanted to inform his wife of the affair and she refused. Her phone is password protected, she changed all of her passwords, and had her phone bill changed to electronic billing! AHHH, I have tried!!!

Hi SS1, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I agree with sugarcane that you should expose the affair and cancel your counseling session. Marriage counseling is destructive to marriages as they do not understand the mindset of a wayward. We have endless horror stories on this forum of counselors recommending "trial separations" and even telling betrayed spouses to allow the affair to continue unabated. It can be a disaster.

The best thing you can do for your marriage is expose the affair and then use this program to recover your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure is ruinous. They can't very well carry on an affair if this mans wife and his local family are all watching him. The more people who know the more people to hold them accountable. And the more exposed the affair, the more likely your wife will be willing to do the hard work necessary to repair the damage she has caused.

The first step is to pick up the phone and inform the OMs wife and his family.this should be done without warning to your wife.

SS1,

Your WW is addicted, you can't reason with an addict, you need to gather up ALL the incriminating information you have, quietly. Then without threats or warning expose OM massively to everyone in his life who matters, his job, church, parents, children, wife, union, his kids sports teams, whatever.

The story about OMW cheating on him is likely complete BS, OM work by building sympathy for themselves in their female victims.

God Bless
Gamma

The fact that she is covering up for him means the affair is active. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

What kind of phone does she have? If it is an iPhone, you can sync it on her computer and get her phone calls and texts. I would also get a GPS on her car. Zoombak is a god one.

You should also get ahold of her cell phone bill and find his number.

Unfortunately I cannot find out the OM but I will take the advice and tell other people on her life. This actually "moved the needle" a little bit (when I told her brother and she was forced to tell her mother when I kicked her out of the house for 2 days) as she changed her tune from wanting a divorce to some willingness to try. I'm sure her family is pressuring her on this but I do realize that I need to get rid of the OM if my marriage is to have a chance. If she won't tell me who he is how can I get her to see that he is not her "soul mate" but rather a guy who is taking advantage of her and just trying to get laid? I told her last night that I if she would give me his name to enable me to call his wife and he divorced his wife and come running to be with my wife that I would bless their relationship and stay friends with her. I need her to see him for what he is, a liar and a cheat but I'm stuck!

SS1, you need to stop talking to her and anyone else about the affair until you get his name. You can't expose to anyone until you have that. The affair is still going strong so you need to be like James Bond and get his name.

And stop telling her you will "bless" her affair. That is about as unloving and uncaring as it gets! If she were a heroin freak or a crack wh*re, would you tell her that? There is nothing loving about enabling someone to engage in destructive behavior. Your wife will RUIN her life, your life and the lives of another family in pursuit of her filthy affair. Don't bless that!

Get his name! Put spyware on her computer, a GPS on her car, spyware on her phone,etc. Do what you have to do to get his name.

Does her mother know the name of this POS?

SS1,

What information DO you have about him, calmly write down everything you know. Profession, first name, wifes name, etc, color of car. Do a search on your Ws computer for deleted files.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks MelodyLane, I will "Bond Up" and continue my efforts. Also, I only offered to "bless" her affair once and it was only in an attempt to get her to reveal the OM to me. Also, we do not have a shared computer, her phone is password protected (company phone, GPS won't help if he is out of state, however I was considering placing a voice activated recorder in her car to see if I can at least confirm is she is still speaking with him.

The hard part is that she puts this guy on a pedestal and, if you can believe her, has told me she stopped speaking with him as of 7 days ago. If this is the case how do I deal with her as she mourns the loss of the OM? Is this normal? What does it mean? Do I have to let her grieve this loss?

I would get a key logger on her computer. Go through her emails to see what you can find. A GPS would lead you to them if she meets up with the OM locally.

Her affair is not over. She is still protecting it for a reason.

I hear what you are saying. Even if it's true, (who knows, there has been so many lies), that she has stopped speaking to him she is still attached to him emotionally and I need to expose the OM's wife to start the closure process. Should I tell her to tell me or I'll divorce her or is that to extreme?

Yes, let her know that this will lead to divorce if she doesn't tell you. You have a right to know the ID of the OM as this is pertinent information about your life. Tell her that the fact she is hiding her cell phone, ect is an indication she has something to hide.

Can you go install a key logger now on her computer?

No to the key logger as we have no shared computers just work laptops.

Can you get on her work laptop?

How/where did your WW meet the OM online? Through FB (ie a former contact of hers), some kind of group site, game...??? Perhaps it would be a good place to start to come up with his name and information.

IF, and I mean IF she is telling the truth she played Words with Friends with him and I'm sure Facebook came into play. I went through all of her friends and tried to find him but anybody suspicious did not pan out in my mind. I do believe that he is married with two kids, 37 years old and from out if state (as she told me).

What confused me at first as she wasn't working late or going out with the girls that much. What she did do is check out of the marriage for three weeks, go to bed early and hide in the bedroom. When I asked if there was anything wrong she did tell me she was tired and wanted to play some Words With Friends with her friends and go to bed early. After a few weeks of gentle "hey what's wrong" I confronted her and that is when I got the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech that unleashed the hurricane.

I do want to ask the question again that I asked earlier that seemed to get missed. My wife told me that she hasn't spoken to the OM in 7 days and that she is having a hard time letting him go. She has also stated that she wants to try to stay together and that she doesn't want to rush into a divorce although I have yet to see any real remorse. As such, I have a number of questions I was hoping members could help me with (Assuming she has not spoken to the man in 7 days and is intent on ending it for good)

What is with this mourning for the OM stuff? Is it normal? How do I handle it?

What is with the no remorse? Is it normal? Does it ever come? Can you really move on together if it never comes?

Do you believe that she has broken off contact?

Thanks in advance

SS1 (So Sad 1)

The mourning will start when the affair ends. But that hasn't happened.


Remorse comes from wayward wives LATER. AFTER the affair has ended.


Nope!

Did you see my post about putting a keylogger on her computer? Eblaster at spectorsoft.com is a good one!