That sounds so lame, I know. It's always complicated. My question is simple. How should my husband go about eliminating the other woman completely from our lives when she is a business partner who is heavily financially invested into our business; if she pulled out we would have to close our doors. To make matters worse, she is handicapped, in a wheelchair, so he feels too sorry for her to just 'cut her out' of our lives. They never had sex, but they did make out and he did feel at the time like he was in love with her. He says he loves me and wants us to have a great marriage, but I am just not sure how we can move forward when I know he is seeing her every single day, five days a week. He picks her up for work and takes her home, yet says the romantic relationship is over. Really need some input!

I would give him about 2 weeks to end his affair and then you should go into Plan B. He will have to find another job. And he can start by agreeing to never ever see the OW again. I would go to him today and DEMAND he end his affair. Tell him if he won't end all contact for life, he needs to move out.

He is the alcoholic who has changed the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and thinks he can trick his wife into believing he is sobering up! It is a trick. Very cute, but will never work!

Either she leaves the business or you guys do. There is no recovery without this step.

The idea I had was to figure everything she has invested, have our lawyer draw up a promissory note, tell her adios and I (not hubby) will send her a check every month until her investment is paid in full. What do you think?

That might work! But he can and should end contact with her TODAY. Today should be the last day he ever sees her. There is absolutely no reason he should pick her up or work with her.

Has this affair been exposed to everyone?

Everyone in my family, however, I just realized that her pastor does not know because my husband has actually been her sole 'support person' since she was widowed in September. I will have to find out what church she goes to, but I was just thinking about telling them both to end all contact today or I will go to her pastor and expose it to him (not that it will make a whole lot of difference as I don't think she is all that involved with her church), but at least the pastor might be able to get her to move on. My husband wants her to 'come to the conclusion on her own' that the loving thing for her to do is bow out of the picture. Like I said, she is in a wheelchair, so he feels sorry for her. My opinion is that she is not going to just 'bow out.' I think she is waiting in the wings for me to be out of the picture. He just doesn't get this. Unfortunately my emotions have been all over the map and I am driving him crazy, so I have to get some emotional self control before I can begin to negotiate or he will just shut down to me. I feel like such a failure!

Your husband is still foggy. His sympathy lies with this woman, rather than the feelings of his own WIFE?

She is in a wheelchair, she is not mentally handicapped, is she? Her physical limitations do not impair her judgment when it comes to such behaviour with a married man, she does not deserve sympathy.

Thank you. My thoughts exactly. But when I have tried to tell him he is kidding himself, he gets defensive and it turns into a fight. I feel like I now have no credibility because I have been such an emotional wreck and he is kind of tired of my labile emotions.

Mel's "two weeks" and your "disinvestment" plan should align fairly well.

WH should write an NCL, explaining that the final details of the disassociation will be handled by lawyers (actually offer to pay for HER lawyer to move this forward).

If any details require consideration by your side, you should manage it without input from WH.

It's just so confusing and tormenting. I think I would be a lot less tormented if I knew all contact were ended. But at the same time, he has started to make 'love bank' deposits. He bought me a card, did little things around the house that he knows will mean something to me. I have really expressed appreciation to him and have told him I am committed to learning to meet his emotional needs. The one thing I truly need right now, though, is the elimination of the OW from our lives. The affair was exposed a week and a half ago and it just does not look like that is likely to happen. I thought about telling him that I will take her to and from work. Make her face me. Then maybe I can tell her she needs to move on. I do not want to be controlling and force the issue, but the fact that he has been hesitant to make a swift and complete break with her on his own just adds to the pain of rejection I feel because in doing so he is actually choosing her over me, and as you said, her feelings mean more to him than mine.

Your name suggests that you are into running? Is your husband a recreational enthusiast? If so, that is on of the top ENs for a lot of men. Maybe you can try to get him to enjoy running or something out doors. He may realize that he can't have this with the other woman and it may help open his eyes. I know that sound a little mean, but his sympathy for her wheelchair situation will get old IMO. He probably doesn't realize how much his life would have to stop in order to care for the OW.

I think that your H is foggy and as Mel said, give him two weeks of Plan A, meeting his ENs and showing him the best side of you. Keep the emotional stuff away from him. He needs to see the best side of you. When you feel like you absolutely have to tell him how you feel, take a step back and go for a run or in a different room so that you don't say things you may regret. Begging, fighting, trying to persuade a foggy person only helps them cling to the OP. There is no justification in the world (wheel chair or not) that should put someone else before you.

Thank you so much for that encouragement. I love to run. He hates running so I haven't actually run in quite a while, but may pick it back up to get the clear head I need that running provides. I prayed this morning for the first time in a while and that was good. I should have been doing that all along but I succumbed to the shock and became sort of paralyzed.

RL, it is important that you be as controlling as possible right now. DEMAND that he end all contact or this will lead to divorce. NO ONE should take that skank to work. Don't facilitate their affair. Tell your husband that he has to tell her she can't come there anymore or he can't go. He can make arrangements to buy her out and one of them can stay away until that happens.

You can't be timid when it comes to affairs. You must be firm in your boundaries.

Is the OW married?

Mel,

The OW is a widow as of Sept

He actually showed her the video on the Marriage Builders website so she would "get the idea" that she needs to be out of the picture. My thinking is that if she has seen the video and then he does not end all contact with her that will send her the message that he does not want to end all contact and will just strengthen her position in trying to destroy our marriage and she will sink her claws in a little deeper to try to have her to himself.

Give me strength.

I don't think Dr Harley in his wildest dreams EVER imagined that a wayward would use that video as a form of NC letter.

If your husband cared about ending his affair, he would end his affair. He wouldn't be showing his adultery partner some video. He needs to end all contact for life and just send her a no contact letter. One adulterer is in no position to educate another adulterer.

It will take the only sane person here, YOU, to lead your marriage out of the ditch. Your H is the equivalent of the drunk driver whose judgement is impaired.

Really, that is just OUTRAGEOUS. The blind leading the blind.

Please wake up and start standing up for your marriage, RL!

If he agrees to give her a NCL, should I ask to be present when he delivers it? I am just afraid he will sugar coat if he gives it to her personally so she misses the whole point that they BOTH injured me. I think he should either send it to her or e-mail it, but if he decides to do it personally, I should be allowed to be there. What do you think?