This is my first post. I have a complicated situation and I am trying to sort things out. I married my beautiful wife 5 months ago and we have a great marriage except for 1 thing that we constantly fight about....her Ex.

About 10 years ago, she was married for a little over a year when she met a "guy friend" at work. She ended up having an emotional and physical affair with this guy friend, divorced her first husband and married this guy. While they were dating, he cheated on her and she took him back. While they were married, he cheated on her and she took him back. While she was pregnant (with twins who just turned 6), he cheated on her again, she took him back but ended up divorcing him 2 and a half years later....The divorce was final a couple of years ago. She told me he begged and begged but she went through the divorce anyway. They lived in a nice house, had nice things, but she was the primary bread winner, making 75% of the total income. He remarried over a year ago because he got the last girl he cheated with pregnant (she is 20+ years younger).

I did not know all the details about all of this history until recently. She finally told me the full story about a week ago. When we were dating, she told me that she had been married before the last marriage, but things just didn't work out. I found out about the cheating from her stepmother (about 6 months before we got engaged) and when I confronted her with it, she denied it until I told her that I knew from another source...then she came clean.

There is a whole lot of history...this is just the overview...but reading MB has brought up more questions than answers. Here are some things I need some opinions about:

- She did not cheat on me, but was dishonest about her ex and their history. She hasn't cheate since, but I still feel resentment. They still text constantly (she defends it and says she only communicates about the kids...but in reality it's about hooking one of his buddies up with a job, things that he's done that he's proud of, etc.) and we argue constantly because I feel that she hides it. When we are together at t-ball games, etc. he "pals" up with her and tells her about what's going on in his life, their old friends, etc. I told her that I feel that he needs to back off, but she told me she sees nothing wrong with it and that I need to grow up and trust her. "After all, he is the kids father and I will never be a [censored] to him." I know MB says to remove all contact from a former lover, but 1. She did not cheat on me with him and 2. They have kids together and need to jointly be at ball games, etc. He makes it clear about his bad personal situation when they talk (or through the kids...one of the twins said he wanted to take $20 of his birthday money to give to his dad to help him out) and I feel like he would do anything to get back to what he had, regardless of who gets hurt in the process....I told her this and she tells me that he would think this is just as crazy as she does. She said she stopped loving him after the kids were born and that she has nothing for him.

- She still constantly communicates with his family. When we were dating, his mother tried to convince her to dump me and take her son back. His mother and stepmohter are constantly in her personal business and she constantly updates her on her personal things. She didn't even know my mother's name until about a year ago (we had been dating a year and half) and she told me that she doesn't feel like she knows my mother because she lives far away, which is why she doesn't talk to her much. Another example about my feelings about my wife living a double life came this past christmas. She told me that she always makes a picture calendar for all of his family (parents, step-parents, her parents, etc.) but she didn't know what to do this year because she didn't think they would want a calendar with pictures of my son in there, too. Her plan was to make 2 calendars...one for his family with pictures of only her kids and one for my family with pictures of her kids and mine. We argued about it for 2 days and she made 1 picture calendar, but made all of his family picture stuff (coffee mug, magnet, etc.) with only her kids pictures. Her acting like this makes me feel like she has physically divorced him, but wants all of the other benefits of marriage with him except him physically living here. I feel like I fill that spot.

My wife is a total conflict avoider and admits, "I just try to hid stuff away and hope it doesn't surface" when it comes to dealing with the problems with her Ex. She feels there are no problems and that "I don't know how to deal with an Ex who lives right across the street." I admire and love her warm heart, but even her personal therapist said at one time that she has problems emotionally letting go of stuff. She didn't agree. When we were going though some of the MB stuff, she liked the stuff she agreed with, but the stuff she didn't want to hear (keeping a list of bad things only is not a sign of love, no contact with an ex-lover, POJA, PORH (she said if she doesn't feel comfortable talking about a subject, then she shouldn't have to)).

I travel a lot and this worries me constantly. I feel like we cannot move on in marriage until she moves on from the last. I don't know if I'm overboard with how I feel, but since we've been dating, her ex (and communication with him) has always been a secret I'm not allowed into. When we got engaged, I felt like her ex would back off and she would move on, but the texts and "stopping by to drop stuff off in person (not in the mailbox, etc.)" has only gotten worse.

Am I over-reacting to her ex? Which MB principals apply (since she didn't cheat on me, etc.) and which articles should I be looking at?

whoa, you are in big trouble. She is having an emotional affair with him. She has had an affair with him in the past and is doing so now. Nothing has really changed.

There is absolutely no reason for her to be in contact with him, even concerning the kids. There is nothing that can't be passed on through you or someone else. Parents don't need to be in contact to be good parents.


Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Very bad for your marriage. Traveling jobs are an invitation to affairs. Did you know that?

Thanks for the inputs. I read the "Are friends a threat to a marriage" and that sparked a lot of discussion. I agree with the article...she does not (and she hasn't read it). She has a lot of "guy friends" at work and sees no problem with it. I am OK with guys that I trust, but the single guy, who is looking for someone just like her, who is sitting in her office ever time I call I think is a problem. He has since moved to another job, but that was a very sticky point when she went out to dinner with her department and they shared the "2 for $20" deal together. That was a big blowup!!

Now that I know the original affair started with a "friend from work", it makes me more sensitive. Maybe I am being paranoid and nit-picky....but I don't feel like she respects and cherishes our marriage.

I didn't put in the other post, but our latest sticking point is our marriage itself. I moved into her house when we got married (so we didn't have to move the kids' school) and I still feel like I'm living in the house that she and her ex picked out. When I moved in, I lived out of a suitcase for over a month (she didn't have time to make any closet space until I had an angry outburst (I know that was wrong in hindsight...very frustrating!) and to this day, all the pictures in the house are her an her kids with a couple of me and my son. Even her mother this weekend asked why we didn't have any wedding pictures up. She said she has not had time to do anything around the house. I suggested we take a night and redecorate (and remover remnants of her ex), and she reluctantly agreed, but said OK (totally against the POJA).

This whole thing is very frustrating and I feel very unhappy...I don't know what to do!

I would do something to change the situation because if you don't, the situation will eventually explode. You aren't too far from that right now. She is having an emotional affair with her EX [if not a physical affair] and has horrible boundaries around men.

I would say you need better boundaries because I don't know many men who would put up with that.

Her boundaries around men are horrible. She is dangerous to you, and your intuition/gut is telling you how dangerous she is to you.

She needs to quit her job and find one that involves no opposite sex friends. She cannot have text, facebook, or any other forms of communication with men.

She needs a radical change in her character, she needs 100% radical honesty, and that is only the beginning.

You are in danger ... take your internal warning serious.

You've married a woman with a history of cheating at the office. You are husband #3, correct? You need to stand up for yourself and your boundaries, you are fighting an uphill battle here.

You need to follow MB to the T. She cannot have "guy friends" at work. She clearly cannot handle a workplace atmosphere with men. Time to investigate. She clearly replaces one man with another and she may be on the path to #4. Gather your evidence, expose, demand she leaves her job. Your traveling job makes your marriage vulnerable.

How many hours a week do you spend together alone doing romantic activities?

Your marriage is very shortlived unless she makes some radical changes. She is having an affair right now with her EX and obviously sees nothing with having an affair. Having affairs is a way of life for her. <-----that is who you have married.

Nubere,

When we were dating, his mother tried to convince her to dump me and take her son back. His mother and stepmohter are constantly in her personal business and she constantly updates her on her personal things.

This behavior of staying personal with someone who is an enemy of your marriage is poisonous in the long term, complaining about a spouse to some outsider is how many affairs start.

My take is that your W is still in an emotional affair with OM, possibly occasionally physical, she may be jealous of this woman OM is with.

God Bless
Gamma

It would appear that you both have the attitude of 'dismissing' things, hoping they will not resurface. Since you can only enforce your own boundaries, I suggest using MB to help you change this.

You've been married only 5 months and you knew before your engagement that she had been lying to you about previous affairs. These red flags were waving in your face that your wife was not trustworthy and not someone you should marry. I would not consider this a 'great marriage' despite this one detail. I suspect you believe it COULD be a great marriage, and perhaps MB can help you achieve that, but you need to really focus on the reality of the situation at hand. For example, being 'okay' with her guy friends -> she is not someone you can trust with guy friends right now.

In the meantime, do not consider having children together at this point.

Have you picked up a copy of Surviving an Affair

~emphasis mine

NO. There should be no such thing as "guys that I trust" when it comes to spending time alone with your wife. This is true for ALL WOMEN (or men in the reverse situation), but it's especially true considering your wife's history. Not having opposite sex friends is an extraordinary precaution that couples in successful marriages take -- it is but one reason they have successful marriages. While it's important that you grasp this, it is beyond CRITICAL that your wife understands it and puts it into practice.

In your first posts you asked questions regarding MB and using the program even though your wife hasn't cheated on you [though, I agree with Mel that she is at the very least involved in an emotional affair with her ex], but what you must understand is that the Marriage Builders program is not just for marriages that have suffered an affair, but rather it's for ALL MARRIAGES. MB is about teaching couples how to have a successful marriage -- Dr. Harley came up with the program by studying couples who had successful marriages. I would strongly recommend that the two of you consider investing in the online program if your marriage is to survive and thrive.

Mrs. W

Not only is your wife engaging in inappropriate contact with opoosite sex friends and the exOM, she is disregarding how you feel in the process. You have stated how it makes you feel and she continues to make excuses and dismisses your feelings. That shows lack of respect for you and your marriage and demonstrates how foggy your wife still is.

I would tell your wife that you feel your marriage is in danger and she needs to protect your feelings by following the MB plan. These OM should never come first in any situation, regardless if the ex is the father of her children. Their interaction should be business like. It should not be friendly. EPs need to be put into place immediately. If your wife wants your marriage to last as much as you do, she will need to make the commitment to show you that you come first and do whatever is necessary to give you piece of mind.

I'm wondering if she hides her cell phone or protects her email and FB passwords. I hope she doesn't think privacy is her right and that you have no reason to want to see anything she does because she doesn't deserve to be "spied" on. She needs to be an open book. Her history of cheating and being cheated on is a recipe for disaster, especially if she is a conflict avoider.

Sounds to me like she flies by the seat of her pants and holds in her emotions until she can't take it anymore. That will result in two things: 1. Angry outburst 2. An affair. I hope I am wrong, but you have your hands full here.

Thank you for all of the posts. To answer some of the questions

- Alis - we do stuff together and when we are together, it's really good. We agree we don't do it enough and truthfully, I have been banging the "date night" drum for awhile, but that only happens when it is easy and convienient for her (not a priority). I have read surviving an affair. Actually, my first marriage ended because I was having an affair with work (I was a grad student at the time and wanted to finish MS and PhD in 4 years....I did it, but obviously at a cost!) and I am very sensitive to making sure I don't take on too much, or spend too much time working becuase of that (and the fact that my dad was a workaholic...and that's what I know). So...I know the surviving an affiar book well.

So, I have a lot of good input, but what do I do now? Is this a Plan A/B thing? I've tried to confront her about him and all I get is an angry outburst and she tells me that the problem would be solved if I would just grow up and be an adult. I try to explain to her that I feel like he is a threat (actually, my true feelings when they are together is a feeling of a parent whose kid is at a child molester's house who is a "nice guy")....it makes me sick to my stomach knowing the potential. I get the guilt trips that parents should still get along for the sake of the kids and no matter what he does bad (including taking the kids to a keg party and doing keg stands and getting them involved in a domestic violence situation where they almost got hit by a 2x4 by someone high on drugs)...it's never his fault and she defends him to the death.

The biggest thing I needs to stop is the unnecessary visits (especially when I'm out of town). Like last night when he had to stop by and see her at their daughter's practice (he was on his way somewhere else) to give her their son's baseball pants when it would have actually been easier to just put them in the mailbox. Little things like that make me cringe and at least now she's telling me....but after it happens. OK...I'm babbling!

What should I do about this?

I have an earlier post where I explained how my wife cheated 10 years ago with a guy at work, ended up divorcing current husband at the time to marry him. He cheated multiple times (three) while dating and married and she finally divorced him. Although she physically divorced him, she did not emotionally divorce him and continues an emotional affair with him.

She met him at work, she met me at work, she's dated a friend at work (although she was single at the time)....She tends to have lots of "guy friends", especially at work, and there have been multiple instances of a single guy at work "being a friend" and hanging out in her office (a lot), texting with her (that I don't feel she is totally honest about), checking if she is OK if there is a storm, wanting to meet up with "us" outside of the office, etc.

My question is that these guys make me feel uncomfortable, especially with her history. I make these concerns known to her and her reponse is usually an angry outburst and an exclamation that "You don't like any guys I'm friends with" and "You are controlling".

I've read the articles from Dr. Harley about "friends of the opposite sex" and agree with it....but am I being controlling?

Of course you're not being controlling. And if you've read any of Dr. H's articles, you understand how dangerous your wife's attitude is.

How can we help you?

My last post opened my eyes quite a bit....I don't know how to deal with it. If I mention it to her, I face an angry outburst, etc. How to I bring it up while avoiding love busters?

Does she beat you? If she beats you up, I would separate and then tell her via email. When you do tell her, be respectful and explain that your marriage under the current conditions. And then she will rant and rave to try to scare you into submission. You should not allow that to happen. Just be a man and be FIRM. Tell her how destructive her behavior is.

The way that you avoid lovebusters is to avoid lovebusters. Dont' commit any angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, etc. Just be open and honest. And don't let her beat you up.

Why are you men so easily played with the "controlling" card?

I would love to be able to argue this, but I can't. It's one of my pet peeves that just makes my blood boil.

Not that I ever displayed that tendency here though.

Nubere,

and there have been multiple instances of a single guy at work "being a friend" and hanging out in her office (a lot),

Does she tell you how these guys are going through rough times, have difficult/crazy/cheating wives, are gay, are disabled in some implausible way? All classic ways men generate sympathy in women pursuant to an affair.

texting with her (that I don't feel she is totally honest about), checking if she is OK if there is a storm,

You need to get at the content of those texts by any means necessary.

wanting to meet up with "us" outside of the office, etc.

Good lord, my W did that with me and OM2, completely sucks to find out you were socializing with your W's affair partner, especially when you pick up the tab. It's another way WWs legitimize the affair.

God Bless
Gamma