Hey brainhurts, I did put all those templates in the Exposure 101 thread so they could get it in one place and not have to go to several places now.

happy, I would go see if the OW has a facebook page TODAY and if so, copy and paste all her contacts into a WORD doc for safekeeping. Do you know who her parents are?

Thanks Melodylane for letting me know.

Helps save the work on my fingers.

That was my goal! I had been retyping all that for years!

After your INTELLIGENT exposure and since he's already out of the house just a few things to prepare for to start Plan B.

Here How to Plan B properly

Parallel Parenting in Plan B
IM Training School

One more.
Plan B Letter samples

I know, right! I love the notable post section ( except the broken links). I would see all your work. Thanks.

BH Thanks for link will read. I appreciate your help

Hi MelodyLane, Unfortunately before MB I thought I was doing the right thing based on research... not helping them bond or creating an us against the world mentality. I now realise this has enabled the affair I understand it will be harder.

I note your advice about the need for strategic intelligent exposure and will read noted links so I understand this better and ensure exposure is effective.

One question - I note your advice about Plan B, my concern is doesn't he need a happy positive final impression that he will remember so he will feel comfortable & want to return when the affair ends? I understand Plan B is to protect yourself and LB. I feel confident I have the strength to implement Plan A, the determination to fight for my marriage and the love for my husband that can withstand his wayward behaviour not indefinitely but a while longer.

Although I tried to be happy, loving, no AO & DJ there has been the pressure of selling our real estate (not family home) which we worked so hard to build financial security. I know at the end of the day it is not as important as saving our marriage or family but it was hard to loose what we had worked hard to build before we had the opportunity to enjoy the benefits. We had been "on paper ok" but cash poor up until this point and just secured tenants after he left the family home. Two weeks after leaving he wanted to sell so he could purchase a house with OW I wanted to protect our assets.

The hardest thing for me was having to list for sale our lifestyle section (vacant land) on the Otago Peninsula this was where we planned to build our dream home and was the reason we moved from Sydney to NZ (family & lifestyle)7 yrs ago.

The market has not been so good and although everything has been listed since Feb we've not been able to sell. WH obviously feeling pressured since OW sold her house started pressuring me to agree to reduce sales price below agent's advised minimum and capitalise our mortgage. WH threatened to default mortgage,cancel utilities etc to ensure I complied. I stood firm to protect our equity I wasn't agreeing to eating our equity to fund their new house or lifestyle. The threats with daily deadlines for compliance continued for 1 1/2 weeks.

I consulted a lawyer to have a formal Separation Agreement drawn to ensure he honours our agreement that the children and I remain in the family home (generous settlement valued at more than 50% equity I am entitled by NZ law) I believe once this is finalised it will relieve pressure and enable an effective Plan A. WH stated some time ago that once the property division was finalised we could have a relationship ... I know this is wayward babble but it will remove a tool he is using to control me (he was never controlling before). Amazing the sense of entitlement particularly financial waywards have.

Hopefully this will explain my desire to leave an appealing last memory of me before I go into Plan B. Please correct me if I am wrong I think I read that you need to implement both Plans A & B for a successful recovery. I really would like to give Plan A a go what do you think?

Thanks ML I do appreciate your time, experience and advice

Yep, you have the right idea! About 1 week of Plan A should do the trick and then you should go dark as night. That is about the time it will take you to get your ducks in a row. In your case, you might consider doing your exposure AFTER you go dark so you don't have to deal with the fallout.

Check out the thread titled "How to Plan B Properly" so you can understand how it is done.

Happy,

They're posted in your thread.

This is great that you have consulted a lawyer. That way the lawyer can communicate any legal matters and ensure you are legally protected. That being said, you don't have to wait to go into Plan B. If you set an intermediary, any pertinent information could be communicated by your atty or your IM.

In the meantime, you could start working on your Plan B letter and setting up an intermediary. Do you have someone who would agree to remain completely neutral and act as a spam filter?

Thanks MelodyLane will read everything suggested and check for OW facebook etc.

One question - how do you suggest setting boundaries so the A doesn't impact children? WS hasn't really listened to me or the children. B/c he wasn't listening to me I tried to show him resources Parenting Thru Separation Info and Skylight (organistation helps children and families thru grief loss & change of separation, divource & death) which had no effect. All children have had contact with OW and have told their father they want to spend time with him not his new partner.

DD tolerates OW so she can maintain relationship with father. Eldest DS does not like OW but is polite, sees them maybe once a month.

My main concern is 6yr DS, we have an informal arrangement between us. I would like this to continue as I believe this is best for our son. He has had 3 overnight visits (WS legally entitled to this)

The first one broke my heart as DS text me asking me to pick him up because he was crying. 2 1/2hrs later DS rang asking me to talk to dad because he wasn't listening and he wanted to come home. WS stated he "wasn't going to give in" Unfortunately I did not have his address ... I am going to insist that I have full contact details. The next planned weekend visit did not go ahead b/c DS did't want to stay overnight and WH would only agree to an overnight visit.

Since then WH arranged for DD to stay overnight during DS visit to help with the transistion... finally a sign of rational thinking! All went smoothly. WS has been buying DS gifts, clothes, lunches, morning tea at cafes, movies etc to make the visits appealing. I'm sure this is part guilt part bribe.

WH can't see children's pain/doesn't want to b/c it may impact his fantasy life. I had an teary/emotional discussion (my children are my weakness)surrounding this and it resulted in an email transferring the blame to me with no acknowledgement that his affair and decision to leave the family was the cause of their pain. I was even accused of infantalising our 6yr which couldn't be further from the truth as he is above his age level acadaemically and on track with all other areas of development. I replied refuting his accusations sticking to the facts without any emotional reference and referred to supporting documentation (school reports etc.)

The children have struggled because our separation was out of the blue. They have had a happy stable homelife without conflict and tension, they saw us as happy and united (parenting) and knew we made joint decisions.

OW is currently "rearing her ugly head" I'm not sure whether it is a lack of confidence, but she is making her presence known. DS text father with my phone asking him to look for soemthing he left behind. OW replied "I will look for it and keep for you until Thursday. Thankyou for coming to stay. From Skank" The next phone call from WS to 6yr DS, OW was in background "bring book next time" in response to telling dad he was up to Chpt 4 OW "thats awesome". DS told me as we were packing for next visit "I have to take ... & .... or OW will cry and I don't want her to be sad"

At this point if I stick to the facts, nothing emotional interactions with WH are fine. I believe WH is struggling with guilt although he won't acknowledge his feelings and project his anger onto me. He has never been controlling, but know he is so self absorbed and intent on being in control of everything.

MelodyLane - I'm not sure about IM.

Ironically we relocated to Wellington last April to be a fulltime family. WH commenced new job in Jan 11 and would fly home Friday and return Mon morning.

I have made a few new friends but I am not sure if any could act as IM. My mother (widowed) lives in a 2 bedroom self contained apartment downstairs but I don't think she could remain neutral I think she is too emotionally involved to be of any assistance. I don't think she would handle the stress very well, also she is in her mid 70's and has no computer or cell phone.

Can your attorney have it put in your separation papers that the children are not to ever be exposed to their father's adultery partner? That is a very corrupt environment and in the US many of us have that put in our separation agreeements. We have to PUSH the attorney to get this put in because most attorneys are lazy and like to take the easier, softer way out.

Does your husband have a court order giving him visitation? If not, I would not allow your kids to be around his skank. Let him know that you want him to see the kids but you can't allow them to be dragged into his affair because that teaches them wrong is right.

This will shock him because he is surrounding himself with low lifes who will condone his filthy behavior. He is using your kids to normalize his depraved set up and give it a false air of respectability. And corrupting them in the bargain. He is raising them to be little liars and cheaters just like him.

We have some folks on the forum who might volunteer to do this for you. Do you go to church? That might be one place to look if you go to church. Another lady here used the pastors wife.

Agree that your mother would not be a good choice.

Thanks BH. I think I'll grab a coffee and get ready for lots of reading.

Thanks again BH & ML for links, comments, advice etc. Its really helps being part of a forum where you can talk about whats happening, your thoughts, feelings and gain advice, comments and support from people who have been through it. Thats what I have been missing, I've been trying to go it alone and be strong for my children.

p.s. Did you see what I said about a 1 week Plan A? The reason that Plan A has to be short and sweet for women is 2-fold. The first reason is that continued exposure to his abusive affair has horrendous emotional and physical effects on women. It is not uncommon for them to have nervous breakdowns. And it will come on very fast.

The second reason is that staying in Plan A does not help your situation because men are not impressed when a woman competes for him. Most men find it very unattractive when a woman competes for him. Whereas, women do find it attractive when a man competes for her. Harley does not want women wasting their time on a fruitless endeavor that only serves to harm her mental health.

I am not up on NZ Family Law I will check this. My understanding is that he is legally entitled to overnight visits in his home. In fact legally children can spend half their time between both houses, so I prefer the fornightly weekend visits as the lesser of two evils. The only way I can prevent the OW woman having contact is if there is a serious risk to the children ... obviously moral upbringing isn't a concern. NZ law has a no fault/blame when it comes to separation and divorce.

I agree with everything you say. I tried to reason, educate through resources about the effect of introducing a new partner so soon let alone an AP. This fell on deaf ears and he eventually introduced OW as a friend "not a replacement partner or mother" without my consent. This is the hardest struggle I have, no longer having a say/control over who and what my children are exposed to. My children have never until now stayed overnight with someone I do not know. Up until now he has always been a good father and has put their interests firsts. I know deep down he loves his children but in his wayward fog he is so self absorbed and can't see the damage to the children.

The only time I was able to legally refuse contact (prior to commencement of overnight visits) was when he was competing in the 7km run and wanted OW to look after him during the event. I told him I was not comfortable with someone I did not know looking after our son and that I had no desire to meet her. I would take him to the event and he could collect DS after his run. To my suprise he offered no resistance and agreed.

Does he have a court order to this effect?


Many of our states are no fault states too, but we are able to get this included in custody agreements.


Right now he loves his own selfish interests MORE which is why your children have to be protected from him. I would not enable his supposed legal "rights," I would make him work a little harder to corrupt your children. Make him get a court order. Have your attorney seek primary custody because of his abandonment of your children.


What do you mean "legally able?" Why what right? Did you get a court order?

Happy, I would make your husband work very, very hard to corrupt your children and stop helping him. Helping him by handing the kids and the affairees there is nothing wrong with adultery. That really screws with their heads.