Plan B went down this weekend a bit differently than I planned. Dh is home and the dcs and I are w/ family. Dr Harley says this is a safe option and we're comfortable here.

It took dh a day to go through the IM. He tried texting friends and family to ask questions. The answer was, "email IM." Friends and family wanted to help and didn't understand my "arbitrary rule" but they are coming around. Yesterday dh sent me a couple of texts. One said he was sorry for being angry. The other was "ok" in response to a phone call I had agreed to. He said he wanted to ask one question and would be good. He tried, but we were both frustrated. He wanted to know how we could be together again. I told him the answer is in the PBL. Thus the "OK" text, "OK" I'll give up ____ and ____.

I told the IM that I don't feel we're ready to speak. I think we still need the filter that the IM provides. I don't think IM has forwarded that to dh yet. Poor IM has a job besides refereeing us!

Yesterday dh emailed (through IM) that he needs me for a conference call with IM next week. I have asked what the call would be about. I don't think the call is a good idea. I would like for him to have "conference calls" with me through the Harleys or something.

Also, dh has asked me to help him look for a car. I feel like he needs to do this on his own. I think that all the day to day stuff I used to manage for him needs to be on his shoulders. He tried complimenting my bargain skills even, but I told him to get his mom's help if he needs it. I think it's a slippery slope, today I'm finding him a car, next week, I'm driving across town to fetch him stuff in the morning...

He asked for a list of counselors. I suggested angerbusters for the anger issues and MB for the marriage. I haven't heard back about those suggestions.

I feel mean when I tell him know and I fear his vengeance, like if I tell him I won't look for a car, he'll somehow give me grief with the dc visits. He's seen them every night but last night.

The kids are ok during the day because they have their beloved cousins to play with, but at night they cry for DH. I am sad, but I know that these tears are nothing compared with the grief in store for their whole lives if DH does't get help and passes his misery and anger on to them. So I am not swayed by their tears. I comfort them and pray for them.

Dr. Harley told you to go into Plan B? Are you coaching with Steve Harley?

I'm glad your safe from his anger. In. True Plan B you don't talk or see the spouse at all so why are you going to look for a car for him?

Until you close all those gaps he will continue with the drama.

Have you read these?
How to Plan B properly
IM training school
Parallel Parenting in Plan B

nlc, what you describe above is not Plan B at all. Plan B is total and complete darkness until your conditions are met. For your husband, he must complete anger management training and demonstrate a radical change for at least a YEAR. Yet you have already broken Plan B numerous times.

He won't take Plan B seriously until you do. Shut the door and stop communicating with him. And of course you can't have a conference with him. Plan B is complete silence.

Does anger busters teach anger management in the way that Dr Harley subscribes?

When he contacts the IM with ridiculous requests like this, you should never see them. The IM's response should have been "I won't be forwarding this to NLC in accordance with her letter." Unless it is pertinent information about child visitation or finances, it should never come to you. The IM should act as spam filter and protect you from this stuff.

If you are staying with his parents, what happens if he wants to come to their home?

Again, this should have never come through to you. The IM needs to filter out anything that is not pertinent information about child visitation or finances.

Well drat. I thought I was doing so well.

I am not finding him a car. He asked for my "input" - code for "I don't want to look for a car myself because I have important work to do, and I want to watch movies, and surf fb and the web." I felt bad saying no though. I said I would ask the mechanic about cars he sent links to. But he hasn't done that. He and a friend are looking for a car on Saturday.

Most of his questions have come through IM. He does get his dad to ask me stuff and I tell him to email IM. And the "apology" texts were out of bounds. I didn't respond. I told IM that I want all communication to come through IM.

I am with dh's sister. She is fierce! She is plan b-ing him too, probably better than me. She won't see him or talk to him. Her dh relates dh's texts to her. She loves her brother and wants to see him well. So, yes, I feel safe here.

NLC, please, please go into Plan B. You are NOT in Plan B. Tell your IM that NOTHING comes through unless it is PERTINENT information about finances or child visitation. NOTHING MORE. And even then it should be in your IM's own words. She is to be your spam filter.

Have her email me if she needs any help and I will help her distinguish what should or shouldn't come through.

What are your conditions for reconcilation?

How have you arranged child visitation so that you don't have to see him?

Hi Nolongeracoward, you should change your cell# and block all of your WH's #s to avoid those pesky texts. Then you won't be tempted to answer them and the more likely he is to go through your IM

Glad to see you back, NLC.
Listen to Mel and the others. You want to go completely dark. It's for your own mental well being. He can still get to you.

Mel, angerbusters is the program Markos went through -- it is very much in line with Dr. Harley's material.

Thanks! I was worried about that.

NLC, having listened to Dr. Harley's radio show for several hundred hours now, I think he would advise you to "build your walls higher." As others have said: change your number so that your husband cannot text you.

It is not up to your husband to maintain Plan B. It is up to you.

He is used to being in complete control and is expected to be very upset about you no longer going along willingly. But in Plan B you should be protected from all that rage and mood swings. Your IM shouldn't even pass it along. Your job is to make sure there's no way to get to you except through the IM. Tell the friends and relatives you don't want to hear what your husband told them, and then if they don't respect that, back off from them until they are willing to show respect for you instead of making disrespectful comments like saying you are making "arbitrary rules."

Each time you hear from him, you simply decline to respond, make note of that hole in your wall, and make a revision to your plan that patches that particular hole so that he can not get through any more.

Take note of the specific action items people are suggesting and make yourself a todo list of them. Those action items will patch holes:
* change your number
* arrange for someone else to handle child exchanges for you so you are not present for visitation,
etc.

Listen to these radio clips on Plan B and Plan c.
Dr. Harley on Plan B

1st segment on Plan A and plan b
2nd segment on Plan C

I don't see dh for kids pick ups. If BIL is home he takes care of it. DH doesn't come in the house. If BIL isn't home, SIL will take the dcs to a coffee shop to make the exchange.

Perfect! hugs to you, friend... {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NLC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

NLC, I am so proud of you for separating!!!

I know it's hard, I know you are using all of your courage and strength right now. I was so proud of you when you said you 'comforted your children in their grief' but recognized that more grief would affect them unless your H gets help.

Wow - my mom wasn't as courageous as you and we children suffered years of escalating abuse and violence because of it. You are making the world a better place: for yourself, your children, your children's future spouses & families, for all of us!

(((((((NLC)))))))

How can IM email you ML? I sent him (IM) a link to IM school.

When saying that I want to take the dcs swimming at our pool at our home - as a courtesy - our state is a community property state so I don't need dh's permission to use our home/pool, etc, dh said I could use the pool if it were safe. He's not going to take care of it and he's not going to pay someone to care for it. Should that not have made it through the filter? Anyway, I think I'll just say nevermind, we'll go to the public pool. If he wants to let a major asset go to waste because he insists on staying there - 1 person in 3Ksf house while we're staying with SIL and BIL and their 6 dcs in 1300sf, let him. Blech.

NLC, if you are in Plan B then you shouldn't be contacting him AT ALL. Especially about going swimming in your pool! Plan B is a complete and total DARK separation where only PERTINENT information is exchanged. He is not going to take you serious if you are not serious about this.

got it