Sounds like you have a good solid plan. Great.

I think that you will have to just tell the people in your life that you are grateful for the support they have given you during your dark time, and that you hope they can continue to support you in attempting to have the marriage you and your husband deserve. You can let them know that with MB's help you can achieve that. Also, ensure that you aren't talking about anything concerning your recovery. Once recovery begins, it is between the two spouses. No more commiserating with your friends and family about your marriage. Complaints should be taken up with your spouse.

Now, I see that you are about to become really really busy. How are you going to work in the 25 hours of UA time?

Dr H recommends the couple take a break at the start of recovery, helps with that first steep bit of hill, is that possible for you if you're feeling a bit strained?

Don't worry about other people. In fact you need their sceptism.

Everything he does for you will be in view of F&F, and they will judge him accordingly. It is right that he earns respect and forgiveness slowly, rather than by getting it cheaply.

thanks, scottie, that's good advice.

the 25 hours should be fine. i go in at 7 and leave, no matter what, at 4. WH gets home at 4 too, so we have several hours in the afternoon to UA, and we've committed to not wasting it, plus we spend all time together on the weekends, but now it will be spent doing fun stuff and not just chores/watching tv/wasting time. i've even committed to getting up earlier on the weekends so we can maximize time; chores in the am, fun in the afternoon. for example, tomorrow we are going to clean up our office (it's become a cast-off room and is an embarrassing disaster), then go bowling and out to dinner. if it's nice, instead we are going to hike out to a waterfall in our province, then go out to dinner. either way, it'll be a nice day together, and we will have accomplished many things, both chore-related and personal. i like the feeling i get when we have a plan and actually do it. he does too. we are both planners and enjoy routine, the routine just needs to be more productive.

one of our biggest problems was that we just worked and worked and worked, and when we were home we were just knackered and ended up doing nothing. now we need to focus on us, and actually *enjoy* our time together.

Looks to me like your plan is very solid!

It will help with your family/friends that you took such a strong stance in protecting your marriage at the beginning of the situation, not allowing it to become an affair in which he had to untangle himself from.

I know how you feel right now with such a hectic schedule! Mine's going to be nuts these next few weeks/months!

So glad things are going well, Letty!

we are going away for the weekend in two weeks time, which i am looking forward to. we will have to wait until the next set of school hols to get away longer. we just had a lovely holiday over the summer break, spending 4 weeks in the states.

WH has moved home today, and it has been a bit of a mixed blessing. i was very anxious coming home today, and had gotten used (already) to doing what i want when home, so there are adjustments to be made.

DD is refusing any contact w/him right now, which he is going to have to work through. we are visiting her on our weekend, and WH is asking to take her to dinner on the saturday night. i agree, indie, that it is HIS job to deal with the fallout of HIS bad behaviour.

surprisingly (to me) i've had a lot of support and encouragement from people around me at PB, even from unexpected areas. today my boss told me about her husband's IB after their two girls were born, and that she twice left him, but then he straightened up and flew right.

WH seems incredibly contrite (thank you exposure), and i am happy that he has actioned my items as scheduled.

my friends have all been very supportive; i had two messages today asking how things were, which i need to respond to.

we had a lovely weekend, working on house together sat am, then bowling and dinner out. sunday we drove out to a lake and had ice cream. tomorrow is a holiday here, and we are going to do an hour of yard work, then something nice in the afternoon. i love UA time! he does too.

so hooray for now. the trick is to keep it going! more on that to come...

This all sounds good,

What MB plan will you be following for MB recovery? The books? The online course? Counselling with the Harleys?

Glad things are going well and that you have so much support, Letty!

I hope your H understands why DD is so upset: his actions rocked her world probably more than he wants to realize. In my sitch, it was my middle child/oldest son that was the hardest to come around, I think. He did not want to see my H until he was felt confident that H had changed from his waywardness.

After the first awkward meeting between the two - I think it will get better.

we will be using the online course and the books. last night we talked about what we had read in HNHN and how important it was to stick w/it. this is more on me - when i had my surgery, and the year following, he was fantastic. i was the one not need meeting, and developed resentment of him, despite all the wonderful things he was doing for me (weird, eh?).

part of this comes from my work; my job is exhausting and sometimes when i come home i have little time, patience, or interest. i recognise that, and am working each day to compartmentalise my work day and keep up with good planning that allows my day to be less exhausting and brain-sapping. it isn't easy - my workplace instituted a programme 3 years ago (i volunteered for the first intake, but now it is schoolwide) that eats up what little non-contact time i have, plus i am the asst dept head, for which i get a whopping 1 hour/week to do about 8 hours worth of work. so some things need to change on my end to allow me the time and mental space to be a good spouse. i often present at conferences, and keep a professional blog, all things that take up my precious time and need to come to an end if i am to have a happy, more fulfilled life. i think those things were crutches before - i fulfilled myself professionally rather than personally. what a waste!

thanks sunny. i am leaving it up to him to make the contact/pick up the reins of the relationship. i am looking forward to our visit, and them (hopefully) having a better relationship than before.

it's a lovely day here today, so am going to enjoy some sunshine while it's here, and enjoy giving and getting ENs.

It can be very tricky balancing personal things that give you the recognition we all tend to crave and marriage and family!

I have recently learned what overextending yourself can do - and am vowing not to do it again!

sunny, is it normal to be feeling a bit anti-climactic? it's very early days, but i find myself feeling a bit resentful inside. it IS hard to preach RH when i don't feel i'm being totally honest! but i don't want to disappoint WH so soon after him meeting all conditions. i suppose i just want to know if this is a transitory phase, feeling like i was just managing to be alone and myself, and now i'm having to make room for him again, and wondering if that was the right decision. i mean, i'm happy we are having this chance, and happy that he did the right thing, but a little voice inside me wonders: why are you giving him *another* chance? some of this may be just residual feelings from some ppl in my life wondering if this is the *last* chance for him. i need to reiterate this is what *I* wanted and created.

enough. i need to commit to my own actions now, so i am fully receptive to his EN meeting.

Letty, I hope all goes well for you. I wish I was further along my journey, I would love to be in recovery and able to answer your questions.

It is ABSOLUTELY normal to have these residual feelings and doubts! With everything that has happened, your husband has withdrawn massive amounts out of his love bank with you! MASSIVE. He has to make withdrawals to fill it back up - and that takes time.

There's a period where you are elated that they've chosen the right path, followed by a letdown when you're sad/angry/frustrated that you had to go through this at all. VERY, very normal. Depression can even set in.

It's important to be honest about where you are at without beating your H with a whip about it. You have to keep it all in the present - not the past - and that can be a difficult balance to find: the RH with the leaving the past in the past.
For me, the trick is to say what I'm feeling without going into a lot of specifics about H's A or the wayward time period. He knows what he did, I don't need to remind him. He needs to help get me over the humps too.

It will be useful if you can tell your H specific actions that make you feel better.

The hardest reality we all face in personal recovery and marital recovery is to keep the past in the past. The delicate balance is exactly that ... feeling the past enough to keep your today safe without feeling the past too much and reliving the hurt.

The feelings you are feeling now can last up until the 2 year mark into recovery. It will depend on how well your WH heals you and the ability to build trust and romantic love simultaneously.

This is why 25 or more hours of UA time are recommended now. It is enough time to get some deep bonding going and the ability to deposit more love.

Try to really hone in on your top EN's today ... make sure he is hitting them with full force.

I know for myself (if wayturd pulls his head out of his behind) is I need a strong amount of family committment, O&H, and SF ... Because my WH has turned into "Satan dad" my need for FC and his ability to make up for the hell he is putting my kids through will be crucial.

i spoke w/H last night about being honesty/feeling out of sorts. i feel better today just for having got it off my chest in both places! it seemed such a burden when i kept it inside, and so good to know i'm normal! (funny how we always worry about how "different" we are, when we're all basically the same.)

hitting up those top needs is helping. soooo looking forward to tomorrow and sunday, though have promised H i will attend the speedway w/him saturday night when i'd really rather stay home and watch the movie on tv, adverts and all. however, it will be good for us to be out in the fresh air and w/each other, and the weekend has fun things for me as well. we are really getting into getting our house shipshape. we have both always been so career focused that our property has slid into disrepair, but a few more weekend mornings of yardwork/housetending (combined with fun afternoons) should set things right all round. just seeing him interested in our home is a big boost for me.

thank you all for checking in on me. this is still a work in progress!

ps: happy, did you happen to catch today's dr phil? now *that* was scary! RAs just add fuel to the fire, don't they?

Make sure you aren't compromising on your UA plans, Letty. Remember...you're supposed to enthusiastically agree to stuff. It's hard to get used to, but important.

And yes - definitely a work in progress.

My head has been in books and the computer for days - so I haven't seen anything lately on tv.

yes, i told H that i wasn't enthusiastic about going, but when he told me how much he likes to have me there w/him, and how it had disappointed him in the past when i said i would go and then didn't, i thought of how i would feel if he did the same. so i am happy to go and spend this time w/him. he has also told me that he has booked a fabulous "penthouse" for our weekend away in 2 weeks. that he took the time to actually DO it is very pleasing (i've always been the planner), and that he's making it special is as well. very stoked!

we have just finished today's yardwork. a moment of DJ - H told me {bit sarcastically} "you're going to put all that in the fadge, right?" (fadge: large canvas bag to hold cut grass, etc, to take to the dump) i was a bit peeved at this: while he was away (having his a), i had cleared an entire area in our side yard, cut back the vine, cleared all the weeds, cut down the orange tree and two tangerines, weedmatted and barked the entire area, and installed a rotary clothesline, all by MYSELF (well, i had a guy in for the orange tree, but i was in charge)! it was a huge undertaking and took 3 full weekends! i am a city girl, and this did not come easy! but i didn't mention it (no past, no past!). i waited until my area was clear, then asked him to take a look. all plants cut back, sidewalk length of back of house cleared of all debris, fadge full. i also said i was saddened by the DJ. he said that in the past i was notorious for cutting and cutting, but not clearing up. i admitted that had been true, but pointed out that now we were working together for the betterment of our home & relationship, and how thrilled i was that he was taking an interest in our home and actually acting on it! crisis averted. got a "well done, wife" and pat. now getting ready to clean up and do some fun UA time (sorry, i will never consider yardwork "fun" even though i appreciate it!).

ok, so i have a dilemma and need some input. i have found out a few weeks ago that someone in our semi-small community has a "card night" where 3 married men and 2 single men supposedly play poker, but actually have hookers in (they meet at one of the single's home). i cannot tell you how much this disgusts me and several different levels. i know the full name of one of the marrieds. i do NOT know either him or his wife personally, though he had done work at our house when we built our garage 8 years ago, so i know OF him. however, i feel a huge obligation to communicate with the BS and advise her of this. if i were in her position, i would want to know. she cannot possibly make proper decisions about her own life, and those of her children, if she does not know the facts. unfortunately, i cannot call her on the phone, because my accent would make it plainly obvious who i am and who i heard it from, which i think would inflame the situation. so i suppose my question is: 1) should i inform? and if so, 2) how? one note: prostitution is not illegal here, so there is no opportunity for a "sting"-like scenario, which is a pity as i have regular contact w/local constabulary via my job, and would be glad to set that ball rolling! or am i just projecting my own situation? or am i feet dragging?

Go on and tell the wife! Who cares if she knows it's you, she deserves to know what's going on!

Yes you need to tell her.

Your WH does not need friends like that. Why do you care if she knows it's you? You should talk to her in case she has questions. How else would you inform her?

ok, i can see i have not explained this well. here goes.

three weeks ago i went to visit a friend, a girl who was my first friend here. i only get to see her 1-2x/yr, as she lives some distance away and doesn't drive out of her tiny town, so i have to go there.

while we were visiting together, she said to me (i'll call her F) (i'll try to relay it as best i remember)

F: you'll never guess what i heard about someone you may know.
me (M): what?
F: you remember SOandSO, well, it turns out that his "card day" every week is really having hookers in!
M: what?? ... what's a card day?
F: you know, when you have people around to play cards.
M: he has hookers to HIS HOUSE???
F: no, they meet at one of the single guy's houses.
M: wait, how many people are we talking?
F: five. three marrieds, including SOandSO, and two singles.
M: so, you're telling me that three married men and two single men meet up each week and have group sex with hookers???
F: well, i don't know about "group," but yes. isn't that unbelievable? what a (*&&^.
M: who is SOandSO?
F: you remember, the guy that came and cut your concrete when (my) H and (her) H were building your garage.
M: i don't know him.
(silence)
M: do you know his wife?
F: no, never met her. (her own H) told me just this weekend.
M: do you think it's true?
F: yes, sadly, i think it is.
M: does SOandSO have children? or just a poor, unsuspecting wife?
F: kids, but i don't know how many.
M: you need to tell his wife. this is absolutely sickening.

so then we went back and forth, with me arguing to tell her asap, and her speaking against, as it's "not her business," she'll ruin her H's "working relationship" w/SOandSO, etc etc. i then went home and looked up the tax book from when we did the garage, and found the invoice for the concrete cutting (different from concrete layer), confirming his name. this is the only time this person has been to my home. my H does not know him - her H recommended him for the cutting.

so why don't i want to call myself? this is kind of hard to explain. when you are american, living abroad in a country that openly reviles americans, you learn rather quickly not to engage w/people you don't know (ex: once H and i attended a housewarming party for a couple whose house he helped build. the wife asked if i wanted to walk through the rooms, and the women in the group cackled and one called out "don't steal anything." there was more later, and we left the party quite early due to my discomfort), but you still stand out like, as they say here, dog's b@lls as soon as you open your mouth. if i have to call someplace, i actually get H to do it, as i find a much chillier reception when they hear my voice. now, some of you will think i'm just silly, but you have not been on the receiving end of near-rage from total strangers out in public, not to mention people you know. this was particularly bad during the bush years. i once brought my absentee ballot to school to share w/the social studies head (thinking he'd want to share it w/his classes), and he looked me straight in the eye and said "americans are too stupid to be allowed to vote" and shoved it back at me. it really sucks. i'm also somewhat recognisable as the american in our town; whenever the paper wants to run something w/an american slant (think politics and lifestyle) they ring me. my H is well known in our small area for being the one with the american wife.

plus, as the "american friend" of F, it could possibly bring heat on her and her H, as it was her H that knew the fella that did the concrete cutting, and apparently he tosses work their way (yes, i say screw the work w/this infidel, but understand that they are poor). MY goal is that wife needs to be informed, not cause the greatest small-town bruhaha since peyten place. happy, maybe you could weigh in w/your thoughts on that?

i think F should be the one to make the call, as she is the one w/any real info - all i know is what i've relayed in the convo above (at the time, i was so dumbstruck, i didn't ask anything else, except did she know who the other 2 marrieds were, and she said no). i have spoken w/her at length about MB, and being married for 20 years and totally devoted to her H, she is open to the principles (it was to them that i ran when H had his a), but her own culture of "leave well enough alone" is strong.

so...i strongly believe that SOandSO's wife must be told - this conversation has weighed on my mind ever since, especially when a week passes and i think of her H (and the 2 others) being such pigs and so careless with their families and responsibilities as husbands and fathers. i am scared to do it in person/on phone, especially since i have no further info. what could i say to any questions? but i think i could send her a letter? if i knew her, it would be different - i'd have no problem going to her house and telling her face to face. but as it stands, i feel i'd just be adding to the rumour mill. i think it's important that she basically arm herself w/proof - follow H to "card night" and catch them so he can't deny deny deny. or maybe it's just a load of crap, but where's there's smoke...

no, just posting here about it makes me feel stronger in my resolve. thanks for letting me air my thoughts on this. i will let you know how it pans out, but please do post your thoughts too. reading your comments gives me strength.

I think it's always best if you have proof to back up what is said before informing someone. So often (from what I've heard/read) if there is no proof, then telling the BS just acts as an alert for the scumbuckets to counter the information by changing their behaviors and covering up what has gone on in the past.

I.E. if you tell her, she may not be able to control her anger and blast her WH with accusations. A big fight will ensue where she will end up believing him and he will then tell his buddies and they'll either stop the practice or go further underground.

Now, I know you may feel it's not your place or duty to go get proof. SO: if you tell this woman, you need to advise her strongly to say nothing to her husband, no matter how upset she is, and to search it out for herself.

Having said all that... if she has a facebook page or something, you can always tell her anonymously. That's not the best way to do it, but it is better than her not hearing about it at all.
She could catch something DEADLY from her cheating husband via the skank!!!