Perhaps I'm wrong, but I feel like my situation may need to be handled differently because my husband's profession is ministry.
OUR STORY: Dated 1999-2003, married August 2003, two kids, ages 5 and 17 months. WH has been in the ministry our entire marriage. In 2008 he took on the position of Senior Pastor at a church of about 100 people. Feb. 14, 2009, by nothing short of divine intervention i discovered his second life: pornography, texting and "sexting" other women, a secret email account with pornographic letters correspondences TO and FROM him with other women, and even a membership to an online dating site for married people looking for affairs! He was completely remorseful, got a new cell #, started working on his computer from home, even went to counseling a few times. I told only my best friend and tried to forgive him. Very blinded to the fact that I was enabling him to continue with this type of behavior.

then in August of 2011 I began to suspect a relatoinship forming between he and another women in our church. One of "those women" that you always keep your eye on because they dress so provacatively and flirt unashamedly. I confronted him about it multiple times, each time he reassured me there was nothing there. Then he started counseling her & her husband. Eventually learning in October 2011 she was allegedly being abused by her husband. He became more involved in her life, and I became more uncomfortable with that, always letting him know. We argued frequently (VERY uncommon in our relationship previously) and he finally informed me in December that he was no longer in love with me and wanted out of our marriage. He would resign the church, and we would separate - NOT telling anyone in the church about our problems. I asked if it was because of "her" and a relationship they had, and he continued to tell me it had nothing to do with another woman. I was just too controlling (always wanting to know where he was going and why he was on his phone so much) and he wanted to make himself happy. Things were up and down for months and he never would go through with resigning, just threatening it. March 3, 2012, he finally admitted he had been too close with this OW, but that "nothing physical happened" and he had ended it. He let me see his phone and communication they had that morning throug an android app. (Appearantly you can message while playing a Words With Friends game and the number isn't traced - only interent usage shows up on the bill). I confronted her that night about it and she denied everything. He then started to change his story that no EA had taken place at all. The next morning, he stood in front of our congregation and resigned. She was not there.

I have heard from others and from him that he has lied about me, of course not saying a word about this relationship to members of our church or his deacons. And instead saying I am mentally unstable, I need medication, I'm crazy jealous and that I've accused him of having many affairs, including affairs with men! Trust me - all those are lies.

We have moved out of state and are separated. I have the children but he does still see them frequently. We both SAY we want to work things out but he's not doing much toward that goal. Other than reminding me I need to be respectful and submissive and stop trying to control him. He refuses counseling and I have caught him in several lies. Most recently I discovered and confronted him while he was on a secret cell phone (no idea WHERE that cell phone came from!) in a McD's parking lot at 10:00 PM talking to HER. When he's been telling me there is nothing more than friendship there and he ended that friendship a long time ago.

So, my question is this: Do I expose this to everyone like Dr. Harley suggests? She just finalized her divorce, so there is no other spouse to inform. She is very close with her family, but they have positions in the church - her dad is a deacon and her brother is the music minister. WH is close to and still in contact with them as well and they are convinced I'm crazy, so my fear is that exposing this relationship to them would only reinforce that idea in their minds. Also, I have no "hard evidence" b/c he was so sneaky and secretive about it! And still is - minimizing it or lying about it all any chance he gets. Plus, he's a pastor! First of all - EVERYONE believes he's innocent and perfect. Second, this being made too public could ruin his chances of ministry in the future should we be able to reconcile and restore our marriage.

I'm relying heavily on God, prayer, and fasting at this time but could really use some insight from others who have walked this path into my particular situation.
Thanks so much for reading.

Yes. He should be out of ministry anyway, so if this ruins his career, call it God's will. Get hard proof...emails, texts...then expose in a nuclear blast.

Welcome and sorry for your pain.

Yes expose because like Dr. Harley says affairs are an addiction. It doesn't matter what sex, race or creed you are addictions have no stero-types.

Please expose loud and proud. The OW's BH still needs to be informed because he may be able to give you some proof or answer some questions he may have from their divorce.
Exposure 101

Why isn't catching him on his secret phone not proof and his "confession" to you not enough?

wHiP, I am so sorry for your pain, but welcome to MB. This is a great place for support.

Yes, by all means do exposure. Yes,yes, yes. But, post your exposure letter here first so we can help you w/it, OK?

Expose to the whole congregation and his sanctioning body.

I'd recommend you read about Plan B

Learn it well and implement it for your own sanity.

Your marriage only has a chance if he is willing to be 100% honest with everyone.
His ability to minister to others only has a chance if he is 100% honest with everyone...

Otherwise he is just a sheep in wolves clothing that you need to keep your children and yourself protected from.

You are not called to submit to the evil living inside your husband.
Nor are you called to submit to lies and deception.
His adultery whether emotional or physical is abuse, and you need to remain seperate until such a time he submits to GOD and discloses his adulterous lies and publically apologizes for lying about you and his affair..

......In the mean time, gather your information, expose and be ready to Plan B just as all the fallout happens.

..... And yes, exposure to the OW's x husband is a must.... he probably has no idea why this all happened!

Dear friend, I am so very sorry you are in this position. But yes, the affair should be exposed to everyone, the OW's family, her Xhusband, your family and his family. It should be made public so he can never have a chance at a ministry again. He is a fox in the henhouse and is not fit to pastor the dog pound. If you don't expose him, he will be free to wreck other families. If his behavior is exposed wide and far, he won't be free to harm others. This is your Biblical obligation to expose evil. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will stop it dead.

Exposing it also makes it much harder for your husband to carry on his deeds. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable.

So, the answer to your question is YES. Because your husband is a apostate pastor, you have a much greater responsibility to expose his affair. This is not just about your marriage, but about the protection of other families.

Why isn't catching him on his secret phone not proof and his "confession" to you not enough?
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It is proof to ME, but I don't have pictures or a recorded conversation or anything! I feel like, using the jury scenario, it would just be hearsay. He could turn around and say it was no big deal, that never happened, I was talking to someone else, or any other number of lies and everyone would believe him.

We are currently separated so I do not have access to emails or cell phones. Even while we were living together the past few months I was not allowed accesss to his phone, laptop, or tablet. One time WH caught me looking at his phone (I had to sneak around and find it while he was in the shower) and he went nuts! Saying that was just more evidence of how controlling I had become.

I did start journaling alot of this. Our conversations about him wanting to leave, the times I would ask for counseling and he would refuse, even times I was suspicious that they were meeting because he would be gone for long periods of time.

I really, really appreciate everyone's input in this. I am grateful to each of you for your help and your concern and your PRAYERS! Thank you for the quick replies and encouraging responses. I really am still not 100% convinced that exposure is the route to take or that it will help save my marriage, but I am praying for complete clarity on that. And I will keep you posted.

Whip, exposure is biblical and you have the evidence in the Bible already. This is why God gave us the Bible. You have evidence of the affair with your husbands confession. A confession is evidence. You don't have to have videos and incriminating emails when ou have a confession. The bible is clear that evil should be brought out into the open. Hiding his affair enables him to prey on other families.

Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.
John 3:20-21.��

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

Whip, infidelity is a public crime that should be dealt with publicly. Mking it public is the only way your husband can be held accountable andtend only way others can be protected from him. Unless he repents he is not fit to leadanti flock. He is a fox in the henhouse and should be banished.

1 Timothy 3:2, 12

"A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach. . . . Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well."

When I originally exposed, I did it without hard evidence. A friend's say so that WH was having an affair. And WH admitting he had gone out on a "date" with a colleague who was "just a friend". I exposed regardless, terrified people would not believe me.

They did believe me. Yes, WH spun a story and convinced some that the affair occurred after separation. But not everyone fell for this. And it did not really matter anyway, because the seed of doubt had been planted, and WH had to defend his actions to others.

Yes, I wish I had had more evidence at the time (I didn't even know OW's name) but I did the best I could with the information I had. And I would do it all over again even if others had not believed me. Because the main point had been made. WH knew I knew, and I felt I had taken a stand against his adultery.

Exposure is your best weapon against an affair. Do you want to just stand by and watch the battle take place without drawing your gun?

Ditto. Though I had evidence in the form of text messages, I didn't mention this in my exposure, I simply said I 'knew' and that he refused to end contact with this woman.

No one asked to see my evidence. My H was a very seemingly-honest, well loved man (I thought) but everyone believed me. The few who phoned me up to call me a liar, I later found out had KNOWN about the A and hidden it from me!

Many people also said they had seen him 'acting strangely' around women when he was not with me. Waywards are actually quite obvious to those who are not personally involved and in love with them, like us BWs.

My FIL, also a wayward, is a lay chaplain who also uses the church as sheep's clothing to hide his sins. Absolutely no one is fooled (except for his wife) though he thinks he does a grand job of hiding his lies.

Exposure works particularly well on men like these because they value public opinion SO much. it makes them realise they are making fools of themselves and motivates them on to the right path.

Without exposure you also give him license to continue 'counselling' and breaking up couples.

Dont worry about the lies he spread about you. that has usually happened in most exposure cases. My H did the same trash talk about me for months before I discovered the A.

People who heard this were confused. His stories didnt match what they saw of me. When I exposed, they realised why his stories were so confusing. Becuse they were untrue.

Have faith in yourself and do not be afraid to tell the truth. See my signature.

John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.�

It will free you, can free your WH and will free his parishioners from poor guidance.

Yes, expose! I would even include in there a sentence about "My DH has even lied about my stability and sanity in order to hide his adultery. What I want is a chance to recover our marriage, without a third party intruding in it."

Or something similar.

Some people may believe him, and others may connect the dots of little things they have seen or heard that seemed unimportant at the time. And certainly his every interaction with the OW will be carefully scrutinized by people trying to make up their minds who to believe.

Your WH should no longer occupy his current type of ministry. His weaknesses closed that door to him. I want to reassure you that God still has a calling for him as soon as he repents; it just isn't the same one he had.

So time to get started on your exposure letter. That needs to be your first order of business.

Also, when God works to bring information such as this to light, it's because He expects the recipient to take action of some sort with it. He didn't just share this with you to satisfy your curiosity of why WH was behaving oddly.

He gave you the tools you need to protect your family, and also His endangered flock.

Jeremiah mourns in chapter 50, "My people have been lost sheep; their shepherds have caused them to go astray..."

It's within your power to start the process that will ultimately lead to a wayward shepherd no longer being allowed to mislead the flock of the Lord. Sound the warning, and let God take it from there.

Yes! Believe me it will be perfectly obvious to everyone once it's said out loud. It will be a Doh! moment for all concerned....

Melody - the Scripture sure is powerful! Indie & Caracal I so appreciate you telling me how your exposures went. Very empowering! Neak - here's my letter. I will be sending it today and making phone calls to the OW family as well as WH's family and some close friends. I appreciate all of YOUR prayers as you know the emotional toll I'm facing right now. Thanks!

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WH and I. As most of you know, WH has recently resigned as pastor of XXXXXX, (citing problems in his marriage and inability to manage his household) after which we moved immediately to XXXXX and have been separated, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason for this was because he has been carrying on an affair with a church member named OW who resides in XXXXXX. She separated from her husband in November 2011 and is seeking divorce, and she has two children to care for.

My desire is for our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my husband, (and please do not underestimate what influence you may have) please do what you can to get him to stop this dangerous affair and begin taking the necessary steps towards restoratoin. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. He has told me on more than one occasion that it has ended, only for me to find them still communicating. As recent as today he has told me that it has ended, but his lies and deceit have been so crafty that I do not know what to believe. My husband has even gone as far as lying to others about my mental stability and sanity in order to hide his adulterous behavior.

I would be happy to provide evidence of this relationship to anyone that feels they may need it. And there are others that have evidence themselves of this relationship.

I would so appreciate your support of our marriage and prayers for our family during this time.

Warmest regards,

Hooray for doing the right thing WHisapastor!!!

Question: After making calls & sending emails & FB msgs do I come out and tell WH that I've exposed the affair? Or just wait for him to find out? I was thinking about emailing him a copy of the exposure letter.

Thoughts?