Can someone make a selfish demand without saying it verbally?

I may be DJing here, so I'd appreciate some input.

There were 2 things my DH wanted done today, and he mentioned them to me. Trim the bushes and vaccuum up the little spiders in the corners of the livingroom.

He mentioned them, and I didn't say yes exactly because I have my own list of to do's for today.

If he continues to mention them instead of just taking care of them himself, is it a demand?

I said, "How about I say no to the spiders outright because now I'm just annoyed by it."

He said fine. But later on I said you still love me right? He said yes, but "I'd love you more if you'd vaccuum the spiders."

Why did this annoy me so much? I did vaccuum the spiders (it's not like it was hard), and he already trimmed the bushes.

I'm just annoyed with him today because I have so much to do, and it feels like his stuff is priority. I think he feels that since I'm home all day with the kids that maybe I should have all my stuff done anyway and since he only has the weekend to get his stuff done that he needs to do that.

I'll ask him.

Also, he came home from working out and said,"What's for dinner?" He asked me that before he left to work out and I said, "I don't know. My go to meal is spaghetti, and you don't like that." If he keeps asking me instead of dealing with it himself when he can see I'm not enthusiastic, is it a demand?

I feel like he circles me asking questions til he gets the response he wants. That is a DJ.

I'm frustrated.

Wife: I was selecting spaghetti because I have very little time, and I cannot think of anything else quick and easy, do you have an idea or suggestion?

OK, so be proactive and when presented with a situation where you suspect he'll say that, say it first. "I know I should have...., but I didn't and now I'm paying the price."

You know, when presented with someone who brings a lot of what appears to be preventable issues, it's sometimes a real drag to have to watch them do the same things over again, and then come complain about what happened.

So while you may want him to stop saying, "You should have..." he just might like to see you start doing some of those things so you don't bring all this drama into your lives. So consider his view of such situations, not just yours. After all, there are two in the marriage, not just you and your feelings.
OK, you say you knew his answer, so what could you have proactively said to avoid this? Could you have made a pledge to complete the project and then stick to it, no excuses? Could you validate that you know the current state of things bothers him?

You are here complaining about his DJ's, but what are you going to do about what may appear to him to be an Annoying Habit?

If this is a recurrent theme, what are you doing to address your steps in this dance? Remember DJ's are often a RESPONSE to something that bothers the spouse. You can't just stop the DJ's, you also have to work on your side of the street and start addressing the things that are annoying him.
I guess I have to ask why you can't see how he IS BEING A FRIEND by suggesting ways to avoid this in the future? He sees this bothers you. He doesn't want you to be bothered by this in the future, so he suggests a way to avoid it. In his own way, he is being a very GOOD FRIEND. You simply choose not to see it that way.

Your choice.
OK, so are you going to keep dismissing him, or will you respond with, "I understand how you may feel that way."

So you are telling him "He should be careful..."

You are sending a mixed message. He cannot say you should put the painting in a safe place, but it's OK for you to say he should be careful.

Do you see how you contradict yourself?

OK, so don't fight. Find the good in what he says, and stop doing the things to him you say bother you when he does them. It will only confuse the issue.

Guys are about action, generally speaking. So your ACTIONS will tell him what is acceptable. If you are using attitudes like he should... then guess what? He will act in a similar fashion.

Since you say he should be careful, you give him license to say you should be careful with the painting, or whatever advice he has to offer.

You always have a choice on how you respond to what he says and does. So will you choose to act in a fashion that builds your marriage, or in a fashion where you simply continue your LB behaviors and mixed messages?

If your goal is understanding, then the DJ's from you will continue. After all, I suspect he doesn't understand your point of view either. I think that contributes to the DJ's.

So instead of trying to understand his point of view, why not offer him the same thing you want, ACCEPT that he has a point of view as well.

Just as your efforts and point of view are valuable, his are too. If your goal is understanding, then I don't think you'll get very far. If your goal is to build romantic love, then it's more about how you act. I don't think you fell in love because you understood his point of view. You fell in love because you did things that built romantic love.

I'd focus more on accepting things, rather than understanding.

A concrete example, I don't need to understand why my wife turns the thermostat up to 85 when she's cold. She does it. I "know" it won't make the house warmer, and pretty soon she'll complain that it's too hot. But I accept that that is how her mind works. Perhaps she thinks it's like a throttle. But then that begs the question why she doesn't operate the oven that way.

The point is, I don't have to understand that contradiction to love her.
Practice the following phrase, "You may be right."

It's always true. It's not saying he is right, it's not saying he's not. Trying to determine "who is right" will not lead to romantic love.
My short answer is, So?

If your approach annoys him, it is an annoying habit, no matter how creative or talented you or your friends might find it. He is the one married to you and he has to live in the home as well. If your creative process destroys romantic love, then is that good for your marriage?

I'm not saying change the process, I'm suggesting that you stop justifying your process and consider the impact is has on your husband.

Just as you want him to stop saying, "You should have...." if the process annoys him, then knock it off. It doesn't matter the outcome. If you are destroying romantic love in the process is the price too high for the outcome?

Let's turn the tables. What if when your husband says, "You should have..." it was the "right" answer. But you are hurt and do not feel loved and cherished when he says that. Should he continue to say that because in the end, he was right, his way was better?

Of course not. So the same is true with your process you justify here. It doesn't matter how great you and your friends say it is if it's a LB from your husband's perspective.
So are you suggesting that knowing is the solution. OK, I'll ask you to apply your standard. You know your husband says, "You should..." therefore, since you know that's his process, you should just accept it. Yes, I sad you should.


I believe he's taking it that way. If he's saying he cannot express himself, then I think he's saying you are telling him how to speak.

But I'll play along. I didn't say you should just accept that he says, "you should" what I said was, "Things would turn out much better if you can find a way to accept that he is just he way he is."

Sure, I can rephrase the "you should" in a flowery way so it doesn't appear to be "you should." But if the underlying message is you don't think your husband is communicating with you in the right way, the conclusion he will draw is the same one I came to. You are saying he should change his approach.

So what you are saying is that if you ask long enough, a "you should" becomes acceptable. So all he has to do when you do something he finds annoying is to keep asking you to change your approach and that will make his "you should's" OK.

I'll leave you with one final insight.

I see you justifying your actions, but you are critical of his. Even saying you don't understand could be interpreted as something of a criticism. It comes across as if he's (or I) am so different that it's difficult or perhaps even unrealistic to understand what either of us are saying.

Since he's not here to either defend himself or change his behavior, it's really of little value to focus on what you perceive to be his faults.

What are you going to do?

If your response is more justification, then I will simply bow out of the conversation and let you continue down your path.

I have an idea, how about you read your post to me and highlight your DJ's. I'll give you a hint, using the words "I feel" don't change a DJ into a feeling statement. One cannot say, "I feel you don't love me" and expect that to be treated as a feeling statement. It's not, it's a DJ. It's suggesting you know more about how he loves or doesn't love than he does.

So find your own DJs. After all, if you want him to stop, you can't be flinging DJs or any other love busters at him.

You may find it more productive to entice your husband on board by demonstrating the program. What you write comes across as, "I hope Marriage Builders will fix my husband."

Instead of trying to get him to read it and buy in, which doesn't seem very fruitful so far, why not use it to address your own behaviors.

What are your love busters? What things do you do that make withdrawals from the love bank? DJs, annoying habits, what are your marital sins? What emotional needs are you not meeting for him? Have you dropped independent behavior and use the POJA to resolve issues?

If the upstairs bothers both of you, then why not use the POJA to negotiate the standard and how you will tackle the issue. I wouldn't let him in on the fact you are using a program. Just sell it as what it is, a win-win solution. It bothers you both and you believe that it's in both your best interests if you pick a solution, a means and a deadline you both enthusiastically embrace.

Instead of doing it yourself and resenting he doesn't help and instead of him resenting that it's still not done why not find a way that you both can embrace. Take what you know about him to highlight aspects that will appeal to him.

It's not about which way is better, your way or his way, it's about finding ways that engage you both and leave you both more than satisfied not only with the outcome, but with the entire process.

Sometimes you simply have to make "painting the fence" seem like the best job in the world. Sometimes you simply have to make it the best job in the world, not because it is, but because you are a great partner.

You may have to be that great partner to get him on board. I reserve the right to be wrong. However it's my belief that going first and being that great partner will be far more effective than getting him to read and get on-board.

The first method demonstrates your love for him. The second says you need to be fixed and here is what is wrong with you.

Sounds a lot like what you don't like in his approach, so why are you using a different flavor what you don't like when he does it?

I hope my husband will post here. And if you read this, MrAnointed, I am truly sorry for all the disrespectful things I said about you and for all the judgements I made. It wasn't fair, and it is not the way I'd like to be treated. I hope you will forgive me.

Our text convo:

Me: I am so sad. And so lonely. (side note: we have not have SF for 1 week)

DH: Me too

Me: I'm sorry. I know you are. I am withdrawn but trying to reach out to you. Will you please consider posting on MB? We cannot afford coaching but some of these people really know what he teaches.

DH: I don't have time

Me: I'm trying to help you with your time. If I learn your (other job) stuff will you post? I'll learn it anyway.

DH: I don't want to

Me: K

I'm so discouraged.