First off, he is not having an "MLC" he is having an affair. MLC is a mythological construction. He is behaving the same way all adulterers behave whether they are 50 or 25 and none of them are in their mid lifes. If you go and read all the other threads you will see the EXACT same behavior, rewriting of history, bizarre rationalizations, all apply to adulterers.

Your husband is addicted to the OW and is prepared to sacrifice everything. But there is MUCH you can do to stop it, and that is exposure and raising as much hell as possible in the affair. It is harder to stop an affair, though, the longer it has gone on with no interference. This one has gone on a very long time with no interference.

I don't know how successful Plan A will be given his last email. Hopefully my reply was honest without any LB. Below is extract: what do you think?

"Sadly your actions are the sole reason for the position we find ourselves in. You can continue to manipulate the truth, emotionally blackmail and threaten me but one day you are going to have to face the reality of your actions and the devastation you have caused our family.

I have accomodated you throughout our separation and shown nothing but kindness towards you. I agreed to sell some of our properties to reduce the mortgage and repayments. Honouring our intitial agreement to sell the properties after the school holidays is not a form of delay.

Regardless of your actions at all times my decisions have been based on protecting your interests, your relationship with our children and your welfare. I can say this with all honesty because my actions were been based on the love I held for you. I never have nor would I do anything to intentionally hurt you. I was standing for our marriage and family. I have handled your affair, our separation and your behaviour with self respect, dignity and grace. I have been a positive role model for our children.

You need to acknowledge your feelings and take responsibility for your actions. You are projecting your anger at me and your rage is blinding you.. I am concerned when you finally face reality and the devastation you have caused you will struggle to come to terms with that. I sincerely hope you will be able to deal with this. Ironically in your attempt to justify your behaviour and denigrate me you stated you had lost your identity and soul - these were not lost during our marriage, you were a man of intergrity, principles and creativity, a man I respected and admired, someone I was proud to call my husband and the father of my children. You have been willing to sacrifice your principles, integrity, our marriage, family, financial security, even your career for a relationship outside our marriage. I hope in the future you do not regret the sacrifices you have made. I have mourned the loss of the man I knew and loved and have accepted the man you have become. I honestly bear no ill feeling towards you, nor do I judge you.

It is a shame though it has come to this and the impact this will have on our children's ability to move forward, their future lives and relationships."

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

You can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.

Be careful when you're in Plan A trying to "educate your wayward spouse" when they are foggy it comes across as a LB.

State things with "I...

happy, i would avoid apeaking/texting w/him at all. and it IS hard not to "educate" them, because we know what they *should* be doing, and they cannot see past their own selfish selves. do NOT allow him to sell joint assets! get your lawyer on it. if he wants money, he can use his lawyer to barter assets, but don't allow him to sell them outright. he can finance his A by himself. that's the whole point of plan b.

looking forward to hearing how your exposure goes!

btw, our your in-laws kiwi or australian? the kiwi mentality is "she'll be right;" in other words, don't do anything. apathy is rife. it is difficult to cope with sometimes. (you've seen some of this through the legal system, yes?)

mmm, i'm not the expert here, but look good and smell good! be pleasant and avoid any conversations about money/property/ow. someone has a good line about "something positive (like i'm holding strong for our marriage)...have a cookie." you'll have to wait until tomorrow for the good advice! hang in there girl.

and no, i wouldn't send anything else, myself.

Hmmm, ideas on Carrot of Plan A. Ensure you look good, smell good.

What time he is collecting DS6? If you can manage it, how about having something wonderful cooking in the oven, or a fun family breakfast. WH shows up to collect DS6 whilst you are flipping pancakes, the three kids at the breakfast table, DS6 getting batter everywhere. If the timings right, offer WH breakfast / something to eat?

He just might be getting tired of those protein shakes by now

If not, simply shrug, comment "maybe next time then" and continue your day. Remember, no expectations.

Can anyone offer advice re exposure letters. My understanding is for them to be effective you need evidence. They are living together so how can I be effective? Do I simply state he left family home to pursue affair, is this enough without evidence or will everyone accept what they have possibly been told, their relationship began after his marriage ended?

I don't have any evidence, I suspected and confronted Saturday, he moved out Monday. I know we were vulnerable to affair we never thought ourselves or each other would be unfaithful. We trusted each other and never checked each others texts or emails before So it was too late to begin snooping. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, he did prior to I think bomb drop put code protection on i phone ... said it was to stop DS6 using phone to play games & take photos etc.

Any comments re how to use Carrot of PA given short PA. I will only see him on weekend when he collects DS6 for visit.

Do I send short emails remembering family events and happy times in marriage, thanking him for those memories? I noted this on someone elses post.

I would appreciate any suggestions/advice.

You have plenty of evidence, you know the truth. Just use the template letters in the thread in my signature. Just state that he left your marriage to pursue his affair with OW and is now living with her.

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OK just wanted to make sure it was "intelligent exposure" and had read advice on another thread about evidence to make it effective. Thanks ML

hf, I would not do this because it will be ODD given than he is abusing you so terribly. Don't chase him; it will make you look unattractive. He will get the impression that you don't care very much about his affair. I would focus on getting into Plan B as soon as possible and exposing the affair. The best you can do in Plan A at this point is to avoid lovebusters.

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Being honest I will find going dark tough, but I know it is a "necessary evil" in the fight for our mariage and for self preservation given his behaviour. He is so angry that I am protecting our financial security and trying to push all my buttons and use my love of him and our children to finance his affair. I am determined not to fund their lifestyle at the expense of the equity we've worked hard to build.

happy, you are exactly RIGHT to protect your finances. And when you go dark, you won't think it is "evil" at all because you will feel better than you have in months. After the initial adjustment you will feel a peace of mind you have not felt in a very long time. The folks who do really well in Plan B are the ones who stay completely dark. You will do great, I promise!