Just wanted to say there is no such thing as 'in between Plan A and Plan B'. They are polar opposites: Plan A is meet as many needs as possible, snoop and expose. Plan B is meet no needs at all, not even accidentally and make hearing any news from of or about him impossible.

You're in Plan A. Its perfectly fine to Plan A long distance.

Use skype and phone calls and affectionate 'remember when' emails to meet or offer to meet needs.

Make it clear this is a limited offer and he WILL lose your fab self without taking care.

Lay down your conditions in a cool calm rockin way.

Not preventing or protecting him from the results of his behaviour

Standing up to adultery

And exposure of course

If those boxes are getting ticked, you're plan Aing him.

Have you read the carrot and stick of Plan A?

Thanks for the links! Might be moving into more of a Plan A. *might* be
WH and I have a "date" tonight to discuss things. He's got a new job in a city about 1.5 hours away. I plan to bring up the idea of all of us (me, WH, & kids) moving down there so he won't have to commute. If he brings up divorcing instead (which has thus far only been threatened), I'll dive into the information I've studied about child & spousal support, which he'd be responsible for (if only for a short time) since I've been the SAHM for 5+ years, we'd planned to homeschool, and I worked while he pursued his college degrees. That will probably cool off his hot pursuit of a divorce! He likes to keep his money.
ANOTHER thing I've got going for me is that I've spread the word to friends in OW's town (about 4 hours from here) that WH asked me on a date tonight, w/out the children & I'm looking forward to it. Once OW gets ahold of that info I'm sure it'll put a few doubts & worries in her head. BOOYA!!

I've been in the forums like crazy today getting my Plan together and strengthening myself for tonight. I wanna be ready!
So many posts have really, really encouraged me! This is a fight, its just begun, but I'm in it for the long haul. So thankful for MB and you vets!
I'm strong & I will fight! I'm already married to him so that gives me a head start. Plus, I'm here and she's 4 hours away.

If you're in Plan A do not talk divorce.

If he brings it up you say "I don't do divorce I do Marriage"

Here's a refresher Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Thanks for the clarity. I should've said I was in-between DECIDING A or B. A it is.

Yes, carrott & stick I've read and keep going back to. Brilliant! Difficult, but doable. I have an awesome God living inside me and with him nothing is impossible!

Also he will need to write NC letters if you plan to take the step to recovery.
No Contact Letter Samples

It's very important he takes the proper steps or you will be set up for a false recovery, especially since he did these things to you when you were first together.

I agree! Wish I'd heard of MB back then and maybe I wouldn't have been so naive!
If you're reading this today - say a prayer for us. Meeting tonight!

I personally wouldn't make the offer of moving down there with him, unless you also make very clear that your offer was conditional upon him ending the A and following your (MB's) plan of marital recovery 100%.

You can still phrase it with hope and confidence, without promising too much. "I'm looking forward to the time when we can be together as a family, and be in love with each other."

And at whatever point the talk tonight goes south, as it surely will, only talk about light and fluffy things instead. If he won't do that, and keeps spewing anger on you, sweetly thank him for a lovely evening, and excuse yourself. Don't bog down in his drama.

I am sure you will rock it. Remember its easy to flatter and flirt with an admiration junkie. Look good and smile.

If he says anything particularly agravating, just ignore it, or respond like he said something else.

Don't let him block you from doing the job in hand. Sometimes I think waywards are afraid of the strength of the love they have for their spouse: that it will stop the addiction, so they get hostile.

Him: I don't love you! I love the OW!

You: Hmmm. Oh yeah. I was telling a friend earlier today, how much I admired (something he did once, something he does well, something he's ridiculously proud of) and she says she so wishes her husband was like that.

Him: (sulky) maybe before you dragged my name through the mud.

You. Hmm yeah maybe. Oh look they have (some dish) here. Remeber that (really romantic night) we began with (some dish) and ended up with each other for desert? I sure do.;)

On the flip side if he's all lovey dovey like a greedy cake eater, lay it on thick about how you KNOW he can earn your love back and how PROUD you will be on that day and how he will be a shining example of SINCERE repentence. You just know he CAN and no one will be prouder than you.

On no account get caught in an actual conversation, much less a debate.

Like boxing, duck and jab - with soundbites that are easy for his foggy brain to remember.

Remember Plan A is short, just three weeks so give it what you've got.

Can I introduce an EXTREMELY ugly thought, WHIP?

Please make certain you and he are in a VERY public setting at all times, okay?

Don't tell him about MB. Leave this forum secret. Perhaps you can tell him about the concepts of Dr. Harley, but don't mention this forum.

So your husband is a serial cheater and a hypocrite. He should know better but he's hardened his heart to truth. It's going to be hard.

You've gotten some really good guidance here, Indiegirl has given you great script, let us know how it goes tonight. We're praying for you.

Don't let him gaslight you into feeling bad about exposing, it's so important for him to be hit with the truth so he can get right with God and make things right with you. Without truth and change, there is nothing. (((hugs)))

Yes, definitely DO NOT tell him about MB.

HTLD knows what he is talking about.

This is probably thinking too much in advance, but wouldn't it be wise to make publicly (at least to the church board) admitting that he has been cheating on you multiple times in the marriage (sexting etc.) be one of the things he must do in order to have a chance to get back together with you?

Thus far, he has had the opportunity to downplay his adulterous ways and never have consequenses or see himself in the eyes of God and others.

If he does not wake up really this time, the chances of a marriage without side-steps are minute. You have to get it right this time.

God bless,

Happyheart

Absolutely. Otherwise there will always be a few people who think Whip is crazy. Public wrong demands public apology.

I can easily do that! About a month before WH confessed the A to me we went to 'A New Beginning' Marriage in Crisis workshop, which is based on Dr. Harley's concepts (along with a few others). It was a weekend of long hours with other couples going over Love Busters, the Love Bank, Anatomy of Affairs, etc. We both have workbooks we worked through and were even given a copy of Dr. Harley's "Fall in Love, Stay in Love". I've been using those resources, along with this website & forum, to figure out what is needed for recovery from this A and restoration of our M.

YES! Perfectly worded. That is one of the steps I think neccessary to our recovery. Along with NC letter & moving back in together. Many people (her friends & family especially) still do not think there was an A, and won't until they hear it from one or both of them. And until they know about it, they could easily be enabling them to keep in contact.



He has also had the opportunity to confess his wrong publicly in order to regain my trust and respect, and he did not take those opportunities. He instead spun lies about me which he is responsible to unspin.

Thanks for praying! "The Date" went soooo smoothly. Too smoothly? I dunno. I was calm, respectful, giggly, laughed & smiled alot - I rocked it!

NOT A WORD was spoken about the A, where to go from here, how we were feeling, etc. He seemed miserable. Whiney, judgemental about people he's been around, bored that there's nothing to do, sorta depressed. Not that I was feeling the least bit sorry for him. I kept on happily talking about how wonderful our munchkins were doing (DS-5, DD-17 mos), some movies I'd recently seen, funny stuff friends had posted on FB (he deactivated his acct). I also took advice from Indiegirl (i think?) and brought up alot of fond memories the two of us have shared when it was appropriate.
EXAMPLE: He was telling me how his new boss was an idiot & didn't understand how to properly use email to which I said, "Oh! That reminds me! I got an email the other day from Carnival Cruises about "past guest" specials they were running and it got me thinking about our cruise we went on 2 years ago. Man that was soooo wonderful, wasn't it? (Inserted a few 'inside jokes' we shared on the cruise)! I can't wait to take another one someday."

He seemed sad to leave. I wasnt't b/c I'd made plans with friends so I hugged him tightly, thanked him for the pleasant meal, told him I loved him & kissed his cheek. Then walked confidently to my car.

2 minutes later my phone wrong - WH asking if I had time to grab dessert somewhere before meeting my friends. I did, so we met at another restaurant for desssert. Again, NOTHING said about the A or our M. Just layed the admiration on thick and smiled & laughed alot.

We left THERE and he called again. He was getting $$$ out of our account at an ATM and wanted to know if I needed any. I told him an amount I needed and he asked to meet me somewhere to give it to me. I had to refuse b/c I had other plans and friends waiting. (Just my baby sis & her friend - to see a movie. But i didn't tell HIM that).

Today I'm getting my "ducks in a row" on what I need for recovery to take place. Any words of wisdom or links YOU'VE found helpful would be appreciated!

Good job on the rockstar Plan A. You worked it, but a big part of the stick in Plan A is not " to not talk about the affair". You need to let them know without committing lovebusters that the affair is wrong and hurts you and you will not live in a marriage with three people.

These would be great starting points.
Extraordinary Precautions

Here also Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Keep your bar set high to avoid a false recovery.

Whip, you're a hero!