You might have some credibility if that solution worked for you. But it didnt. You are still in a crippled marriage. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't understand the addictive nature of affairs. The reason your marriage does not recover is because your wife is in a fog. And she will remain that way until all contact ends.

Dr Harley addresses your approach in his mission statement:

The people who have followed Dr Harley's guidelines here are in happy, recovered marriages. You have not even begun recovery. You are in a crippled marriage just as Harley predicts when you don't follow his rules. It's one thing to dismiss tried and true professional advice, but when your own advice does not even work FOR YOU, it might be time to reconsider. One size doesn't fit all, huh? Well, your size doesn't fit YOU.

Like Dr Harley said, there is no hope unless all contact ends. But you already know that.

Ahhhhh the old 'one size doesn't fit all' mantra. We've never ever heard that one. It is often espoused by people who want to 'cherry pick' the program and wonder why they still have a crap marriage years later.

There are certain rules that DO fit all situations. There are principles that are always applicable.

I came to this site a few days after my dday. I never visited any other site, never read a word from another marriage counselor. I read dozens of threads and 100s of posts here and what satisfied me was that most posts were by those who chose to forgive and have undertaken THIS PROGRAM to figure out just how to do that.

You can choose not follow the steps here and lead a life of continued anger and resentment and thus letting your remorseful wife's affair forever dominate your life. Or, start the process and, according to others already well into it, have the marriage you only hoped for.

Its pretty clear to us you are following something other than what would be best practices for post infidelity recovery and your discontent in your marriage is both obvious and predictable.

Your wife chose to change your marriage forever, it does not have to be for the worse. In fact, I'd venture to say your marriage during the affair sucked, mine did. She begged me to stay, we laid out promises for protection and compensation, we've worked thru the down times, and I'm here to say that things are better than ever. If I allowed her contact in any form, like you seem to be ok with, than we'd be nowhere in recovery. Like you and your wife are.

I contacted Dr Harley to confirm my recollection of his comments about these "counselors" you said he endorsed. He confirmed that he did not endorse any of those counselors because they could not pass his course. The reason is because they did not stick to his strict protocol. Paraphrased: "no one has been certified. In order to pass my course, one must save 5 marriages using the program. To date, no one* has done that." [*no one outside of his coaches and Steve and Jennifer, who he said have saved hundreds of marriages by sticking to the program]

You were misled about that counselor's credentials and I wish you would try counseling with those who DO know how to use this program properly. You chose a counselor who could not even pass the course under Dr Harley's direct tutelage.

Aph,

The one hole I can think of is this; "Never spend a night apart from your spouse."

Don't you have a travel job? Have you had it this whole time? So, on average, how many nights per week/month/year do you spend away?

All other concepts aside, this is a HUGE hole in following the program.

I don't mean to dog pile, I keep forgetting to ask.