I sent a message to the IM explaining how all of this needs to work and that if he wants to reconcile properly as per what I had previously advised, he can contact the IM and I'll discuss contact with him at that point.
I did advise my lawyer to start readying the paperwork to file for divorce and approved the first draft petition as I would like to be ready w the paperwork once I feel ready to file. I just don't feel that he is going to decide he wants to meet my conditions. My expectations are too much from what he said and he's already also told me he feels relief at not needing to meet those expectations even before this.
It's sad if that is the case as my expectations were really only basic adult behavior.

So, an update. Last Tuesday he decided he's coming home, probably for good. No reason given why except that I want it. He gets served w D papers Wed night, doesnt even open the encelope. He starts telling me through the intermediary everything he's doing while I'm away for the week, everyone he sees/talks to every 3 minutes (so much so I had to tell him to stop telling me about every little thing). He said he was making me dinner sat night when I got back into town, we were going to work together on the nc letter. (then I did talk to him myself, I know that was wrong but I was thinking bc we were writing the nc letter and he moved home, my two major demands were being met...)
On Fri am before work i went to the house to check on its condition and see he left laundry. I moved his laundry bc we are selling our house and we had a showing that night. Out of the pile fell a pair of women's jeans that aren't mine. I threw them in the trash. He apologized profusely, he picked them up by accident when he moved his things out.
Last night we fought, he said I'm pressuring him and he needs time. His aunt told him his other aunt gave her H a yr, they dated while separated. I asked if her H was dating someone else too, he said that's not the point, his aunts point was that time is needed.
(his sister told me about the convo too, his aunt was saying that his other aunts H realized a yr later he made a horrible mistake and does he want that to be him?)
Now, this morning he's all, oh I'll be happy to see you tomorrow if you'll come back from your parents blah blah blah...I'm getting the house ready for another showing. He found her jeans in the trash, washed them and I found them again in his suitcase. His response to that today was "no matter what the reason I shouldn't waste someone's money by throwing their things away".
Wtf. clearly he was giving them back to her.
Now he's not responding to any texts, I'm 1.5 hrs away at my parents.
Guess its back to plan B.

That was totally a false start. Now it's damaged your credibility with him because when you go back to Plan B he'll think he can break it any time he wants. It's going to be all the harder to establish boundaries with him now but you'll need to do so immediately. He's not interested in building your marriage at this time. He shouldn't be so concerned about someone else's jeans as he is YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! His priorities are all messed up. Stay dark!

What actions did he show you to come out of Plan B?

Have you read these?

False Recovery
False Recoveries-Need voices of experience

You're right, there were no actions. I was fooled by words. I should never have come out of plan B.
He has now moved back up there w her. Through the intermediary he has said he will make a decision within 1 month from yesterday. He thinks he's closer to being able to have an actual relationship and can be the husband I deserve...if he decides to try of course.
I just want him to sign the damn papers now and be done. He hasn't even opened them. I talked to the intermediary and he said he told him he doesn't need to open them bc he knows what they're for and he'll sign when he's ready, if he doesn't decide to come home in a month.
This is making me crazy. I am on meds but it's not helping much. I cannot sleep and cannot concentrate very much.
I am doing nothing for myself bc I keep having to go drive 3 hrs round trip to clean the house for showings and take care of the cats since he has no where to bring them until it sells and refuses to try to move anything.

Guess I'm wondering though, what is this one month thing? He's never put a time limit on things before, never actually said he wants us to succeed like he is doing now. I'm still feel certain divorce is the best way to go, started plan again but I don't understand.

So you're back in Plan B? Make sure you plug up all the holes.

Can you get back into the doctor on your meds? If they aren't working it for you it just might be that you need different ones.

I'm back to plan B. plugging up the biggest hole, that was me.
I begged the receptionist at my dr to call in a different dosage, I need sleep.
On a positive note, we may have a buyer for the house, thank God.
The IM thinks this time he really means it about wanting and being what I deserve.
I'm sticking to plan b until I have consistent action to demonstrate my conditions are being met.

Do not come out of Plan B until he meets your conditions in your Plan B letter.

What were your conditions?

NC with her, we need to draft the letter together and send it certified mail or via UPS to her to know she received it.
Him moving home of course.
Transparency, pw for his phone and laptop, trackers will be in his cars and phone.
Attendence and active participation at individual counseling for himself
Acceptance of his own boundary issues and a plan to work on what he needs to do to change them permanently. (that moves into the one below, that will help him w doing that)
Some sort of marriage workshop, i am trying to save money to actually work w Steve early on in reconciliation. If wh doesnt want to try, then I have some extra money saved.
Apologies to his family and mine.

That was basically it.

He told the IM he's still not sure of what he wants, but on June 21 he's going to decide and stick to it.
Honestly, I do not understand that at all.

He finally read the papers last night and said to the IM via text:

I did, what's the point, doesn't say anything other than get a lawyer and she wants a divorce, there isn't anywhere to sign anyway if it comes to that. Y do I need a lawyer, y spend the money, everyone knows what happened, she got what she wanted about that and we have nothing to argue about.

How can someone not have any feeling or care about that? I do not understand anything about this.

Is your IM filtering his messages? He shouldn't be sending you the exact messages.

Who did you all expose to? I went back and only found that he was mad because you sent some of her family letters? Any luck with his side of the family? He is still living with OW?

How are you doing? Your lovebank level?

The IM is filtering, there were many more.
His family knows, but they're not talkers so no one has said much. They aren't interacting w him as a result, but not really saying anything either. His two aunts told him he will regret it and he needs to think about what he is losing. He's not really close w anyone so i dont think they want to be too involved. His mom and sister are the only ones definitely saying he needs to leave her. He doesn't think leaving her will impact his decision one way or another, he told everyone that. It's his life, he knows everyone is hurt and hes sorry he did that but he has to decide about his life.
The mc even told him before he stopped going, he said he doesnt agree and she has no impact on his decision. It's insane.
His friends all know, they've tried to talk and yell and he only has heard what he wants. He says maybe everyone is wrong and therefore he has to find out w her before making a decision to try w me again but that he agrees w everyone that he shouldn't sign now. (they are saying to go back to the marriage and leave her, not simply don't sign)

I do not understand about my love bank. How could it have anything in it?
I feel so empty in general.

That's the beauty of Plan B not only is it to take you out of the abuse of their affair but it's also to protect your lovebank.

Is he still living with her?

Plan B doesn't mean you have to complete with Plan D. If he wants to sign then you can cross that bridge when it comes. He is trying to validate his affair in his mind by saying she's going to D me anyway. He's all talk right now and has been dropping crumbs for you.

You keep that bar high and do not take him back until he meets ALL of your conditions. You see how much pain he caused you when you let him break Plan B.

You deserve way more than crumbs my dear. You deserve the whole darn cake.

It's not that I don't love him, I just do not like him. I felt that was prior to plan a, I don't feel that's changed. Just feeling emptiness at the situation in general. I hate that I had to file and decide that, I wanted him to do it as he started this craziness.

He is still living w her, yes. He moved his clothes back, but is back to only sleeping at the house on wed and sat when she works.

He told the IM he doesn't underatand why I don't want to talk to him. My plan b letter was very direct and clear. He's just ignoring what I said. He told someone bc I waited 6 yrs until he was ready to get married that I'd wait for his decision on this too and that's why partially why the d papers don't mean anything.

Yup he's used to you laying down for him.

Are you back at the house? He sleeps there while you're there in Plan B?

I hope I'm confused by that?

No, I'm not in the house at all.
His sister said that to me, he's used to just getting what he wants when he wants.
Me waiting for him wasn't about waiting, I wasn't ready either. I've said that to him, he doesn't believe me.
My family and I have done an awful job of holding him accountable though, as has his family bc of their history. For example, his dad is deceased, so fathers day is hard for him. So I'd go see my dad alone, bc it was too hard for him.
Wouldn't it be hard for him regardless? And not to say it doesn't matter but his dad has been dead 15 yrs.
Or when my family was there they didn't want to be so intrusive as their in laws were, so he kept whatever schedule he wanted and was in and out, not necessarily visiting w them.
So I feel like its my fault.

What feels like your fault? The affair?

The affair is 100% his responsibility.

Well you're starting to hold him accountable now. That's why it's imperative for you to stay dark in Plan B. He broke you once and he thinks he can do it again.

Will he ever come out of the fog? Maybe, maybe not. Dr. H says most affairs die a natural death but you want to have a repentant WH not a False recovery.

You're doing well. It is very important in Plan B to take care of yourself and so what is your plan for you?

The affair itself isn't my fault, I see that. I feel like this aftermath is my fault, because he doesn't even believe me wanting a divorce matters therefore I've really messed up regarding consequences.
His sister tells me he was always like this, I simply did not see it in such a pronounced way. Things I let go we're not big things, but he seems to equate the same importance of not minding what car he wanted to buy (within financial means) as being ok w indifference regarding fidelity and proper boundaries and treating someone well. As if he cannot see the degrees of importance.

I mean this though, it hurts me so badly and i miss him terribly but I will walk away. Even if he says he wants to try and acts accordingly as per my plan B letter I may walk away, I am not certain of that yet depending on what he does.
I do not believe he will say he's going to try though. I think he is too much of a coward for that.

Regarding myself, I do not really have plans. My friends have been great, they are always planning things for us to do and checking in all day so I am not really ever alone.