I do not have the SAA book. Just using the site & forum to soak up info.

I'm not fully prepared (logistically or emotionally) to "go dark" yet. I'm still holding out hope that with OW 4 hours away, and the affair exposed that he'll break and realize what he needs to do to keep our family together. But there is also still so much lying & deceit that I'm still discovering.
We also communicate so much dealing with the kids and finances. (He just got a new job and I'm still a SAHM w/ our two little ones. But we're living separately. Me @ my parents, him @ his).

I've also not been able to figure out a good IM. Family should obviously be left out of that equation, and I'm not sure the few friends I have where I'm now living have the stamina to be "put in the middle". Especially since there so much we still decide on a day-to-day basis concerning our young children.

Hope is not a plan. You can do this - you just have to decide to do this.

You can do anything- if you set your mind to it and focus your energy. Hoping someone else does the right thing is not a plan. It's
The end of your marriage.

But you can change this dialogue - if you step up.

Look- I am a SAHM with four young kids. I went to Plan B in four days from first signing on here. I was wiped out emotionally and physically ( my hair was falling out from stress). I was being gaslighted in ways that had me doubting reality.

But I listened hard. took notes. And changed my life.

You can, too. I promise.

Four hours isn't nearly far enough. That's only two hours each way if they meet in the middle, and they can burn up the phone and internet lines in between.

The more planning you need to do before going dark, the sooner you should start. That way when it's time, you're ready. WH is so far along the spectrum of emotional abuse that for your own health and sanity as a daughter of the King you shouldn't stay in contact with him for very long at all.

This is taking a much bigger toll on you than you now realize.

That is where I would start. You dont' need to put people in the middle, just find one person who will agree to be a neutral party who will pass on pertinent information about child visitation and finances. Ideally, you would get this all settled beforehand. For example, you would give him a visitation schedule for lets say, one night a week and one weekend afternoon. You need to eliminate the day to day communications.

Plan A is only supposed to last 2 to 3 weeks for women because a too long Plan A causes more harm than good because it is very unattractive for a wife to pursue a husband. And it doesn't work. It just makes you look unattractive and it wears you down because it doesn't work. You have already exposed, already given your H your conditions and you can see he has turned you down. He is not going to "come around" by more Plan A.

So I would get this wrapped up quickly. No love letters, just a very serious plan B letter that tells him your conditions for reconciliation.

QFT

Somedays I'm almost there - losing touch with reality that is. What is wrong with me? Have I been that horrible of a wife? Am I really that controllnig? Maybe there really wasn't an affair. So I know the time has come to move into Plan B. I'm a GREAT mother AND wife! Perfect? Heck no. But worth fighting for that's for sure!

So - Rid what'd you do? Did you get a job? Put kids in daycare? Did your WH come around? If you have a link to your story I'd love to know more.

I'm contacting a mutal friend/couple to ask them to be IMs for me & WH. I'm working up the PBL (I'll post before sending of course). I'm praying hard that God prepares both of us for this - especially me. I know i'll have to hear it from all kinds of people that I've taken the wrong road, and reconciliation can't happen if we're not talking, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'll have to be strong.

We still share a bank acount, individual health insurance, retirement account, car insurance, etc. Should these be separated into mine & his before Plan B goes into place? (I'm NOT warning WH that Plan B is coming. Just want to have ducks in a row before implementing it).

Keep in mind that those people have no idea what they are talking about and are not professionals like Dr Harley. Reconciliation is less likely to take place if you stay in contact. Reconciliation will only happen if your husband agrees to your conditions, which he has refused to do.

I love this response! I actually have not responded at all, and probably won't. She cannot respond to my emails & phone calls about her son's infidelity (b/c they just want to stay out of it - YEAH RIGHT!), I really don't need to waste my time discussing anything else with her.

WHIP,

Your H is as full of himself as I was when I refused to send a NC Letter. (Pride)

I also refused to send one because I wasn't serious about ending contact.

Waywards cannot be reasoned with!


Between your desperation and your notion that you can reason with him, you're gonna end up having a nervous breakdown.

Time to get serious about Plan B before it's to late.


You have a better chance that H will become sweetly broken if you get completely out of the way. Plan B is you getting out of the way. It's Tough Love!


Saying a prayer for you.

I would have your own bank account, and your name taken off any joint bills. Even if he deposits money into a joint account, which you then put into your account, he won't be able to see what you're doing with it. Once you're in Plan B, he doesn't need to know that you spent $20.00 for gas and $37.50 at the grocery store.

They have their rose-colored glasses planted firmly upon their faces and are being completely non-confrontational.

My thought on this request? "I'm sorry, dear MIL, but things are so unsettled, what with YOUR SON'S ADULTERY and the terrible damage it has had on our family - I can't possibly consider allowing my children to participate."

Your in-laws are in denial.

Link in my sig helps you prep for Plan B.

Plan B lasted 10 days originally- before he was home, agreeing to my conditions. Then we had a longer, legal separation- because it was so hard for him to detox out of his bullcrap and he was toxic. He had to hit bottom- and he also had an untreated personality disorder- which was a primary factor for the longer separation.

I did not have to place my kids in extra care- my parents and friends swooped in to help me. Financially- I was taken care of, financially, In the first ten days- I knew I would be okay- but I would have gone to an attorney in a hot minute if money had been an issue to have him pay.

You can read my story by clicking my username and reading my initial posts.

My spouse was horribly wayward.
Longterm affair. Hot mess.

Reviewing all the Scriptures on this thread, you'd have to remember that such people are completely out of touch with what Jesus actually says.

I second this! What on earth are they thinking???

And the truth of the matter is, they aren't. My in-laws have been DEEP in denial. The brother they love would not do this, he has always been loyal, they are a good Catholic family, etc.

They want to believe the wayward. They want to believe the lies he spins. They choose to believe so they can minimise the reality of the wayward's actions, of who he has become. They are also in shock. Not as deep as the betrayed, but still, there is shock. And fog. He has not lied to them before... just like the betrayed, they doubt he would lie to them now.

Almost ten months out from D Day I think my in-laws are starting to see the truth. I think now they are starting to question the A, the OW, and who their brother has become. Depending on the family and individuals involved, this can take some time.

Don't fret about what the in-laws do or don't do. I know I did, too much, and now see that I just need to stick to my own path. And what is best for me. Let them buy into the wayward's lies, let them discover the truth themselves. You have done a proper exposure and Plan A, you have done your best. Now, it is time for YOU. Plan B. Let the in-laws figure it out for themselves.

Thank You. Your post was an answered prayer this morning and just what I needed to hear! I've been awake the past hour worrying about that exact thing - the ILs. Those I'd hoped to be my strongest allies (WHs strong, christian parents & OWs strong christian parents/sibs) have turned out to be WH & OWs biggest enablers! AND THEY'RE CLUELESS!!! The A won't end b/c those closest to the adulterers think they've done nothing wrong (if anything at all).

So, I take the path alone. Not only do I deal with the stress of a WS, losing his love & committment, and being betrayed, I also ednure the ridicule of many people I used to have deep admiration & respect for. I'm a hopeful person. I immerse myself in God's Word and look to it for strength and MORE hope, but the outcome of this situation is starting to look bleak.

This is why you need to get into Plan B sooner than later. Dr. Harley says how dangerous it is for women (more than 3 weeks) on their immune system.

How are your Plan B preparations coming along?

Eventually, and this really becomes evident when you step into the Plan B realm, you will start sorting elements of your life into "supports" and "impediments". The ILs, so clearly having their heads up their pious butts, have self-identified themselves as impediments. This will be a great blessing as you understand the lack of contact you can have with THEM in Plan B.

Thank them for their indirect contribution to your wonderful children, and start cutting all ties.

This will have the dual boons of saving you pain and torment, and twisting their "grandparent tails" when their contact with the kids is severely impaired.

Please listen to this radio clip from Dr. Harely telling a BW what Plan B is and why it's important for her.

Radio Clip on Plan B how it's important and how it's important for the BS

I'm working on my PBL again this morning. I have so much to say but want it to be as short & concise as possible.

WH & I also have a couple we're friends with who I hope will be willing to be IMs for me. She's supposed to get in touch with me when she has time today.

I really don't want to do this PB wrong. I want to have things lined up so I will have NO CONTACT with WH whatsoever, which means getting a regular visitation schedule for our children (which he'll say i'm controlling) and setting up finances a little differently (which he'll again say I'm controlling). Ugh! Please pray for me today.
He will pick up the kids tomorrow evening and bring them back before bedtime. I'd like to give him the letter tomorrow night after he brings the kiddos back.