So - after lots of posting to others here in Recovery the last few days, I have a question about a thing or two.

I mentioned my H's attitude about the new boyfriend. I also mentioned I don't really care for my H's attitude about the new boyfriend - wanting him to reserve judgment for when he meets the guy.

My question is this: how do I ensure that I don't let this evolve into a DJ?

The further you get into recovery, the more detailed things start to emerge, so I want to navigate these things successfully. In the beginning it's all about the big stuff - and you're really focused on healing.

It's popping up in my head more and more these days that I know H and I are different people - with different opinions on certain things. Right now I'm not feeling negatively about that, but want to avoid it.

Also, a confession: I worry about things slipping. Last week I had mentioned a few things to H that needed done around the house that are his territory. A few months ago he would have taken care of them right away. In this instance, a week later and they were still not done. When I mentioned it to him again - in what I felt was a neutral way - he popped off at me that a bit: not too harshly, but I didn't like it. Then, he proceeded in the next day or two to get those things done.

This wasn't a big deal at all. When he popped off I reminded him that I had asked him a week ago and he said he would do these things. He agreed. But...always in the back of my mind is the fear of going back to how we used to be - to letting things slide.

It isn't that one little incident makes me think that way. I just see a trend lately that we are both feeling very comfortable and not making as many efforts as we were previously in ensuring that we are keeping life exciting. Granted, H has worked a lot and I have had a ton of school work - but that's just it: that's life. We can't allow "life" to take over.

I guess I'm just wondering aloud what others have done to maintain longevity in keeping up with the program. Do you never let anything slide? Does it just become second nature eventually?

Revisit Disrespectful Judgments;


So, any time you run into a situation where you respond to something your H says with "Well, I think..." and aren't willing to budge on that?

You are in danger of unleashing a Disrespectful Judgment!


Also, SDiT - you don't owe your husband an explanation when you remind him of a request. If he "pops off" simply walk away, and remind him later "I would love it if you would not have angry outbursts toward me." Then, you can ask him how you might remind him of unfilled requests in the future.

Ahhhh....thanks for the reminder on the DJs. I needed that little lesson! I guess it's been awhile since I read it and needed a refresher!

I don't want to judge H's opinion - and I don't expect him to share mine - I just want him to be open to reserving judgment. LOL. But - that's just it: I don't think I'm right and he's wrong. Hey, in fact, it may be HE who is committing a DJ here by not being willing to look at my view as plausible.

And you're right, HHH, I didn't owe H an explanation. It was a very minor "popping off" and it's rare that either one of us commits an AO - so, I am not really all that used to handling it. Live and learn!

Doing a little self reporting today. Last night H made a sarcastic remark that surprised about POJA (long story). It concerned a recent purchase (S18's grad pics) that was not, in his opinion, POJA'd. Well, he certainly never said anything to me about it not being joint when we were discussing!

I know H was not happy with the costs. But - he is NEVER happy with what anything costs. Doesn't mean we don't have pay up when the bill comes. So, I guess in his mind, his complaining about the costs was supposed to indicate his dissatisfaction with the deal. I told him it doesn't quite work that way.

In this facet, we really do need to learn to communicate better. Either he needs to not complain about money so much so I can differentiate when he's really thinking we shouldn't purchase something or he needs to say, "I do not think we should purchase this." This was a problem pre-crisis. He thinks I am supposed to know when he is unhappy about something when I really don't, because of his basic personality. I don't want to characterize him as a complainer because he isn't. But, when it comes to certain things that he doesn't have positive feelings about it's not uncommon for him to make negative statements - as we all do.

I don't know - maybe I need to learn to ask better questions. I need to be able to tell the difference between general griping and griping that I can do something about. Although, this is on H as well: he needs to tell me when he doesn't think we should do something.In this instance, it isn't like I purchased the pics without telling him how much it would be first.

I will also confess - I feel like sometimes it is easier to make me the scapegoat than for H to take responsibility. This may be residual affects from his waywardness. During that time he justified wanting out of the marriage (hence, justifying the A) by putting all the blame on things that he didn't like about our life onto me. Just like with the pictures just purchased, it was all about how unhappy he was but he did not communicate those things to me at all - and yet, it was all my fault.

I know I was not perfect and I'm not saying he never had room for complaints. But, now when I look back - I am trying to differentiate some of that stuff in terms of what was "real" versus what was just trumped up to excuse his infidelity. (Especially in light of the fact that he really had so little on his lovebuster worksheets.)

We've never really talked about this, come to think of it: if he still feels all those things were my fault - now that he is out of the fog.

One last thought: it does bug me that H complains about prices for things he doesn't see as necessary or worth it but doesn't complain when it is something he cares about. In the same week we spent as much on our two dogs' vet bill as for the senior pictures of S18. I didn't hear a word about that - because our furry boys are very dear to him.

This talk last night came on the heels of our younger son, S16, telling me the day before that he still has trust issues and "doesn't want to rely on other people" after his dad's actions - even though things are better now. I told H about this and while he took ownership, he also commented that S16 was using it as a crutch. Hmmm... I don't know.

Strange week!!!

these two issues are things i think about too! and SH said to me just today that it will eventually become second nature - you just gotta stay on the game. i can give you a better response, i think, after next week's appt, when we are scheduled to discuss longevity!

but i too am questioning the difference of opinion and its relationship to DJ. i think we need a vet for this. this morning we were (SH & H & i) discussing any surprises that came out of enumerating LBs. and there was something that H said he was very unhappy with my opinion of someone (i'd rather avoid the point if possible!). H & i ended up having a good 25 minute long calm, rational discussion about it, but in the end, we still disagree. it seemed, to me anyhow, that SH implied that we *shouldn't* have such a big difference in opinion, though i asked H if he inferred that as well and he said no. so is it ok to agree to disagree? can we accept each other's opinions as valid to each of us and call it a day?

sunny, your H sounds a LOT like mine!

i'd really like to hear from some long term MB-ers on this issue.

whoops, i had the page open from last night and missed this post. i swear, we could be married to twins. my H, too, squeezes every penny, but has no trouble at all dropping thousands on stuff he wants. as a matter of fact, one of his LBs was that i didn't discuss w/him when i want to make a purchase over $50! or buy books on the internet! (let me just mention that i have always worked full time.)

don't get me wrong; if that's what it takes to make him happy, then fine, i really am happy to do something so easy. but the double standard (such as the purchase of a brand new car for himself, when we alredy have 8 in the driveway...) does rankle. i'd better not still be driving a crappy 16yo honda next year!

i also struggled with the LB sheets. he started with one tiny item. one. what - you were going to throw away 18 years and a family on 1 thing? seriously? only after much talking did i get him to really give them a go. maybe they don't want to put anything on there because it does feel like they're blaming us and they don't want to do that?

at least i can say (write?) this with a smile on my face today. i almost feel like a belong to AA now. keep working the program. it'll all eventually come out in the wash.

sunny, are you doing the online program? how many weeks does it go for?

I would too, Letty! And yes - keep me posted on what SH says.

I don't know how two people with very different personalities and backgrounds are not going to have some differences of opinions at times. The very nature of my being is in always looking for the best while H is more of a skeptic. We've done the whole personality testing - and we are almost exact opposites. LOL. I grew up Southern and religious and he grew up in the Northwest with very different parents. I don't see either as right or wrong, but just different.

I think you can be respectful and still disagree on some things and as along as it isn't something innate about the marriage, it's OK. I can't remember who, but someone on her has posted about the big difference between he and his wife about church. I think he even talked to SH about it and it was one of those "agree to disagree" situations. ???

I bet our H's have the same basic personality type, Letty. LOL

8 cars??? wow!!! I think I'd have a little trouble on the $50 mark - I'd be bugging H to death, lol. BUT...I don't mind discussing purchases with H at all. However, I think it should apply the other way as well: HE has to discuss also!

The thing is - it's always easier to justify something you feel money is worth spending on vs things you don't see as important. I get that. But, it's not OK to just think because you deem it so, it's fine - and that it's not fine if you don't. It comes right back to Disrespectful Judgments.

Hmmm...so...POJA doesn't work well if you have DJs in the picture, does it?!

As for the LB sheets... when we first did them H really claimed that there just wasn't much to put: that since we had reconciled, things were so much better in the past, that LBers that used to be there just weren't anymore. Now, this is probably in part to all the Plan Aing.

We redid the sheets later - and a few more things had popped up after being settled in to recovery after about a year. But, I know H had a hard time with them. I know he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Heck, I don't want to hurt his either! You could be right too in that they don't want to blame us, esp. after they did something so horrid as going outside the marriage and we didn't. BUT...the health of our future is at stake! They have to be addressed.

I guess we ARE in a recovery program - like AA. LOL

We have been doing the at home program - not the online one. We got through the basics pretty quickly but just have to keep going back for refreshments. I think it's important to do that because things look a lot different a year or two out than they do right when you begin the process after an A.

Hi sunny. Just popping in to see how things are w/you. Have you been working on your refresher course? Hows it going?

Thanks for popping in, Letty. Things are good!

We've been refreshing as needed. I just realized I said we have to keep going back for "refreshments" in my post above. Geez: soda - chips, anyone??? LOL. I meant "refreshers" (of the program) of course. LOL. But - yes, we are both doing a good job of meeting needs and not LBing. I would like our UA time to be a bit better, however. We're barely squeaking 15 hours in these days, between his schedule and mine. We're both tired a lot too, and that doesn't help. It's easy to think that "once this semester" and "once his work project" and "once S18's graduation" are all over in May, we'll be much better off with our time. BUT: I keep insisting, our marriage HAS to be #1; that means, no making these other things priority, even if they are short-term. I'm just so swamped with doing this honors program - and they asked me to do a peer-tutoring thing... It's all a bit overwhelming.

I will say this much: S16 brought up his trust issue due to H's affair again last week. When I told H about it, his response had quite an impact on me. I've struggled some (as we all do in the first few years of recovery) with wondering if H still somewhat justifies the A to himself. When triggers hit you doubt the remorse level and all of that. Anyway, H's immediate response was that "this was all his fault" basically. While he doesn't want S16 using this as a crutch - he knows he is responsible.

I felt a bit of closure in the "does he really take full responsibility" dept. This wasn't something he had time to think out a response to - but straight out of the heart, if that makes sense. It felt like a "closure moment" to me - we'll see!

SDIT, could I ask you to check in on this thread on the Marriage Builders 101 Forum: "HELP! my husband going out of town on 40 bday!" I think you'll recognize the problem.

Will do!

Sorry I got you involved, SDIT. The ranks are closed, as are the minds, I think.

If I EVER again post to a "distraught" female's thread suggesting moderation, I'll deserve what I get!

Wow - most of it is all edited and I didn't get to see what the fuss was about.

I don't want to argue on the woman's thread...but I fail to see what of what I suggested (taking a look from a different perspective) is NOT Marriage Builders. ???? But, the mod did not edit my post so I think it was OK. I wasn't sure why the other poster claimed my post was not MB.

I wasn't saying the ACTION should not be addressed - but this is a couple not integrated yet into the program - and needs to start somewhere. More importantly, in order to understand your own feelings AND before you can articulate them to your spouse, you got to look inside and see why you are feeling what you are feeling - and getting to the heart of the matter, not just "I'm upset!"

MB is not feelings based, but action - and I agree that's how it should be. But it doesn't mean feelings aren't involved and shouldn't be examined, right??? Feelings are feelings - and they are what they are - but it doesn't mean we aren't responsible for them. To me, looking at a new perspective is never a bad thing. It MAY not change your feelings - but it just might.

Anyway, I do not wish to cause disharmony and therefore, I will refrain from posting there further.

Evidently, suggesting you re-cast your situation in a better hubby-light is not MB-approved. I apologize and retract my advice. Please return to your prior state of unrelenting resentment.

(Just kidding, my friend! I only hope you read this before this gets zapped as well!)

LOL!!!!! I think I will!!!



But for the record, a new perspective really did flip a switch on my whole attitude about the situation - and I can't tell you how much more beneficial that was to my marriage. I didn't even need to talk to H about being upset because I simply wasn't any longer. And...I took the opportunity to fill his love bank.

I think it would be different if he had been chosing to work when he didn't have to - or if he always put in extra hours and didn't make our UA time a priority... or you know, in any way using work as an excuse to stay away from home, or put work above us. But a short-term thing with an otherwise devoted spouse... he deserved for me to see it from his perspective, and I thought you rightly pointed that out.

By the way....can you New Yorkers try and be a little nice to my boy, Tebow??????

Just a quick note to tell everyone to pray for my sanity the next few weeks. I have 5 papers due, 25 hours of volunteer work, 3 exams, and 4 presentations to prepare for. AND...graduation stuff with S19 - AND being a good wife and mom....

You get the picture.

I will not be on here much. I suspect I will still pop in and check up on things, but I will post minimally. HOWEVER...if anyone really needs me, post and I'll get back to you.

I know, I know...it isn't like I'm so wise that everyone's looking for my input...LOL. I just don't want people to think I've dropped them or whatever.

Things are going good here: H is very supportive and has offered to take a lot of chores off my hands these next few weeks. LOVE that man!!!

Taking a moment to brag....

My wonderful H has been SOOOO supportive of me with all that is on my plate. He just dropped everything he was doing to help clean up MY mess. I spilled an entire cup of coffee all over my papers, notes, and books... sigh.

I could never do all that I am doing right now without my amazing husband!!

AND...I just realized I made my 18 year old 19. geez S18 is graduating - he's not 19 yet!

So how did you tell your H?

Great opportunity to fill the admiration EN and make deposits in his LB.

Thanks for sharing it's nice to hear the good and not always the bad. Good job Mr. SunnyDinTX!!