Maritalbliss: Thanks for your support about keeping the keylogger and other surveillance tools. I was beginning to lose my nerve.
I also like your idea of explaining the rough reality of joint custody.
Your idea of also showing a little more backbone regarding custody is a great strategy. I like it!
Regarding the guy, I have his full name and city name, but I cannot get any farther than that. (The city name might not be current.)

Neak: Great point about affairs. This helps me so much because she is fighting for every inch of secrecy, and your definition is so black and white.

Thanks!!

Do the searches that I told you about. It doesn't matter if the city isn't current. See what you get. Intelius will give you names that are associated with his, including any spouses or parents, etc. It may not be completely up to date, but it will give you a starting point. The idea is to get the names.

JG, I would go on his wife's Facebook page and find her family members. Send them a PM, telling them about the affair and ask them to contact her and have her call you.

Additionally, I would expose the affair to his Facebook contacts. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the more people that know, the more people to hold him accountable. OM are weasels who don't want any trouble, so your job is to run this rat off.

I cannot express how important it is that you kill this affair. The longer the affair goes on, the harder it will be to kill. You have a slim window of opportunity here that you can't afford to miss.

J-Dude, let me tell you how lucky you are.

You've had ML, MB, and Neak, the best of the best, offering you guidance all day. Additionally, I have been away, so you didn't have to suffer my occasionally acerbic contributions.

But......I'm back.

"Affairs" for women do not require physical viablity of their APs. Women can have fantasy-based emotional linkages long after the object of their affection is no longer present. Their romantically-oriented brains can retain what "happened" and they can cling to that like barnacles on a ship's bottom, or more directly, they can go for months without additional inputs of EN satisfaction, being the "camels" of the infidelity world.

Her affair is likely to linger in abeyance unless you kill it deader than dead. The most effective way to do that is to reveal him for the relationship-termite that he is. EXPOSE TO HIS WIFE!!! Stop debating with the EXPERTS here who are trying to help you, cease giving them the uninformed reasons you have been basically doing everything wrong until now.

GET YOUR WIFE HOME!

EXPOSE TO POSOM's WHOLE WORLD!

As for the keylogger, tell her you've had second thoughts, and you will trust her on her usage of the computer....and then install the k/l secretly.

Zabasearch.com is another good (and free) resource that often turns up valuable information. I would still run an Intelius search, too, because that gives you likely relatives, and anyone who may have lived in the same house with OM.

OK! I have started to dig up info on this guy.
I have a possible home address and a definite cell phone number for him. I tried checking on the property records for his county, but this state (CA) deletes the name of the owner on the property records that are displayed.
As I mentioned before, I had found the wife's Facebook page, and I sent her a message (no reply) about the affair, but now, her Facebook page is gone. I double-checked to make sure that I was not blocked, but no, it is GONE.
It is likely that she has her own cell phone, but that is almost impossible to find, I think.

Regarding the k\l, that is EXACTLY what I had in mind.

I now have a confirmed address on Intelius.
I cannot find a home phone, and it's likely that there is no home phone anyway (cell phone only household since both spouses are working). Do I spend the $39.95 to get the whole information package?

I also ran the name of the wife through Intelius, but there were no hits. She is not American, and so it is no surprise that there were be few public records for her.

Thanks!

Is the OM on facebook?

Either the OM deleted her page or the OMW did after he told her some big lie about you.

Yes, the OM is on Facebook.

I would copy and paste all of his contacts into a word doc NOW for safekeeping.

And I would send out exposure letters to his contacts. Can you ID any in-laws there? Do you not see his wife?

Is it possible his wife has you blocked?

Go with something like this:

Dear friend of JoeScumbag:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his wife and his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

OK. I have found his friend list -- 909 in all. Probably a little less if you take out the companies. I saw in Exposure 101 where you replace your profile photo with a family photo before sending out this letter.
This will take a lot of nerve, and I am not sure that I can do it.....

Well, he has a lot of nerve having an affair with your wife. would you do it if it would save your marriage? Because that is what it is going to take to save your marriage. He does have a lot of nerve, so it will take alot of nerve on your part to run this rat off.

I would not try to send it out to 900 people. Make a priority list and rank the contacts. Start with any of his wife's family, then move to his family and from there go to married people. Try to send out as many as you can.

Don't spend your money on that! There's a 2.95 package for 24 hours that you can use.

MaritalBliss, thanks for that, but I will hold off for now.

MemoryLane: You are probably going to get mad at me for this, but although I did save the FB Friend information of the OM as both an HTML file and DOC file, I cannot bring myself to take this exposure step yet. I would like to save it for the next communication between the two of them....

Update: I am getting mixed signals. She wants to come back, but both her and her mother are upset that I told my parents. She thinks that she can never show her face in my parents' house again. She also characterizes my computer snooping as a betrayal -- "I thought you were more pure". I know that this is a bad sign, perhaps that the A is still ongoing or maybe just withdraw symptoms because I took away the crack pipe. Still, it makes me a little upset because it makes the future road look very long and bleak.

Thanks again for your help everyone. You are great!!

Hang on a sec - are you saying you want to wait to let that scumbag's wife know what he's been doing with your wife?? WHY??
As a betrayal of HER betrayal? I find that too laughable to even address. She probably shouldn't have had the affair, then. Too bad for her. But I'm sure she can recover when she commits to the recovery of her marriage. If, indeed, you are willing to have her.

It's all up to you.

MemoryLane: You are probably going to get mad at me for this, but...I cannot bring myself to take this exposure step yet.

J-Dude, from experience, it's not ML's anger that you should fear, but her possible disinterest in deciding that you do not have the "stomach for the fight" that you are in. I made this point to you in my first post. You cannot be timid and fearful. WWs have no respect for fearful BHs. They may explode in anger at a strong BH's actions such as exposure and financial isolation, but they do respect the commitment and strength.

In two years here, there are two BHs whose efforts won back WWs totally, immediately, and without question - mirrormirror and myself. Both of us were terrible in our pursuit of killing the affair.

Maritalbliss and NeverGuessed: Well, I have done the prep for the FB exposure, but I guess I need just one more push. It seems that they have stopped communication. The problem is the lingering affection. That's why I cannot bring myself to take this step yet ... I only have limited energy right now.

Update: I just Skyped her. Things do not look good. She says that she felt lonely and neglected, and he enlivened her again. She said that she felt trapped in the marriage, and no one could give her supportive advice ... except for him. I explained that she could have called anyone who attended our marriage ceremony, my parents, my friends -- they would have helped us keep our vows. She says that she is still "grateful" to him for supporting her, and I should be grateful too because he saved her.

I am despondent at the thought of losing my son and wife....

So you're putting the silver bullet back on the shelf and saving it for a special occasion?

Wrong move.