MelodyLane: Yes, the mother knows about the affair now. I told her, in fact. I heard that her mother is "disappointed" in her daughter, but I think that's about all the support that I can expect.

I think that she WOULD come back if I asked, but it would be a really terrible atmosphere since she is still incensed about my snooping and telling the relatives (her parents and mine). I really kicked her out to protect my mental health because her lies, justifications, and insistence on keeping in contact was taking its toll on me.

Also, my reasoning was that, up to now, she never thought that we could be separated. No matter what happened, I would be there for her. She took me for granted, basically.

Now, she also feels that my DD12 and I are ganging up on her.... And she has started talking divorce.

Your best bet in saving your marriage is to kill her affair and get her home. The way you kill the affair is to expose it to the OM's wife and family. I would confront the OM yourself and try and enlist your MIL to run that sack of crap off. Ask her to call him up and threaten to make his life hell. We have had affairs killed THAT DAY by a caring parent. MrsW's [a former WW] mother called the OM and ran him off herself. Your MIL can do this too.

Once you get the affair exposed wide and far, I would tell her she can come back if she ends her affair. Let her know that yes, this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end all contact for life and meet certain conditions.

I would also paint a very, very ugly picture of the future if this goes to divorce. Make it as ugly as you can and talk about filing on grounds of adultery and having the OM dragged into court to give sworn testimony. They would also force him and your WW to turn over their emails, cell phone records, etc in discovery. She needs to know that you will not roll over in a divorce, but will give her the fight of her life.

The reason you would do this is to burst her fantasies about divorce. WW's fantasize about a simple divorce where you step aside and allow the OM to take your place. And you still pay the bills, of course! So you need to disabuse her of this notion.

JapanDude, can you track his wife down by googling her name? Can you get a phone number for her? She is a critical exposure target and could very well be the deal-breaker for their affair. Make it a priority to track her down, since she hasn't responded on FB.

So your WW isn't going to trust you any longer? I always have to laugh about that one. YOU'RE the faithful spouse, and SHE isn't going to trust YOU?

Her mother is 'disappointed' that her daughter is destroying her grandchildren's family?? Does she not understand the far-reaching implications of her daughter's adultery??

You say your WW is talking divorce. Have you mentioned to your WW that you will be going for full custody, and will consider visitation after confirming that her man-ho doesn't have any convictions for domestic violence, drug use, DUI's, child molestation, etc?

Is DD12 her biological daughter?

Maritalbliss: Your guess is correct. The DD12 is my biological daughter, not hers. This is my second marriage.

After talking with my wife, here is what she said.
*She has cut off all contact with the guy, and she even said so before she left. (This may have been where I made my mistake?) Even so, she continued to deny and lie up until her last day here (yesterday), but everything was just too much for me to bear at that time.
*She does not want to return to an environment where I would be suspicious of her. She said it would be too stifling. She said that my snooping was equivalent to breaking her trust with the affair. I did not agree. I maintained that it was the only way to stop the affair. She says my actions should have been directly elsewhere to make her happy.
In short, she wants a trusting relationship, but not a transparent one.
*She is still fuming that I told my DD12 and each of our parents. She said that I have done irreparable damage, have "not shown love (as always)" by this action, and was vindictive.

So sad.

The affair is still going on. This is the reason she does not want you to snoop and is adamant against being transparent.

I would follow through with my suggestions and kill the affair. Once you kill the affair, she will be more willing to work on your marriage.

Well, I talked to her again today.
She said that I can look at her cellphone and computer at any time. She'll even give me any passwords to her mail accounts, BUT she does not want any snooping software on her computer. IF she finds it, she will immediately divorce me, she said. She has our 2-year old son too, and so my DD12 and I would really miss both of them.

She emphasized that the cause was the loneliness that she felt from years of neglect from me. Although I admit that a neutral third-party would admit she has a point, I was also dealing with a number of crises on my end (financial difficulties, hospital bills, etc.) that consumed me.

She said that she is 80% sure that she wants a divorce now that my snooping came out (due to the exposure).
Do I play hard or soft? I could lose her....

My first inclination is to just turn OFF the software, and use her reasoning where she claimed that she did not get a phone call from her boyfriend "because I didn't pick up". In other words, I am not monitoring because it is OFF.

You are going to lose her if you don't kill this affair. Everything she has told you is an indicator that the affair is still on and that she doesn't want you to find out. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. If you don't kill this affair you are going to lose your marriage.

Your wife does not have the plan to save your marriage, WE DO. So listening to her is going to cost you your marriage.

Please don't post fogbabble anymore, my friend, and stick to the PLAN. Expose the affair to the OM's facebook contacts. Call the OM's wife. Kill the AFFAIR. It is really cute and winsome that she is gaslighting you about snooping on her, but it does nothing to save your marriage. Stop trying to negotiate with a terrorist!

The fact that she is threatening to divorce you over a keylogger should be a HUGE RED FLAG THAT THE AFFAIR IS STILL ON!

So, stop posting fogbabble and stick to the plan, my man!!

That might have made her vulnerable to an affair, but the cause is her piss poor boundaries around other men. If she had not allowed another man to meet her needs, the affair would have never happened.

I am sure she has another phone , too. That's why she is offering up the one you know about.

She thinks she has the power. Change it.

A person who was truly interested in proving her honesty would ask you to PLEASE leave the keylogger on her computer because it would clear her good name. A person who had something to hide would object to such scrutiny, however.

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Period. Your wife is still having an affair!

Which, of course, confirms that the main point of contact between them will be the computer.

www.spectorsoft.com

You'll have to snoop for an affair phone. It sounds like she's planning to get one. You'll probably find it in her purse.

This is all hogwash. If she felt lonely, why didn't she speak up? You're not a mind-reader, man! Don't let her blame this on you! She is having an affair because she has poor boundaries and chose to have one.

Have you made it clear to her that you intend to counter-sue on the grounds of adultery and will go for full custody of your 2 year old? Your WW's got a pretty picture in her head right now: she will keep your 2 year old and let you occasionally see him. Or she'll let you babysit him so she can be with her OM when her mother's not available. You need to let her know that there will be many extended periods of time when she will not have ANY access her son. You have NO intention of letting her come over every night to tuck him in when it's "your" weekend, etc.

Remind me: have you tracked down background info on this loser yet? If he's got anything more than a parking ticket you may be able to use it to his advantage.

You play the steady person in this relationship. "Honey, I love you, but I will not allow anyone to come into our marriage and destroy it. I will whatever it takes to keep that from happening. I hope you would do the same."

MelodyLane: Thanks. I just talked to her, and I did not relent on keylogger, and she more or less accepted it reluctantly. (Still, a keylogger is useless if it's existence is known.) Actually, I believe that the affair is over, but I feel that she may just want to keep him in the wings in case things sour with us.

RidicSit: Actually, the real reason that she has the power is that she has my 2-year son with her and is taking care of him. They are a package deal.
I would definitely push harder otherwise. My DD12 and I definitely miss both of them.

In short, I don't believe that the affair is still ongoing because he is no longer in town, but it is a "keep in touch" type of relationship that can begin at any time at the spur of the moment. That's how it started last time, and if it starts again, it will be the same way. Although next time, I don't think that she'll use the computer....

Which all means the affair is ON. Do you understand this? As long as you have computers and phones in your town, the affair can easily be resumed. Do you live in a town that has phone service and internet? If you don't focus on killing this affair, you will lose your marriage. Every day they are free to carry on, the affair becomes more entrenched. This is why you have to drag it out into the light of day and kill it.

The affair is a vampire. Drag it out into the daylight and you can save your marriage. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure; it cannot survive an ongoing affair.

Call the man's wife. Expose the affair on facebook if you are serious about killing this affair.

Maritalbliss: The point about the affair phone sounds well taken. I will definitely take a look.

Your point about the poor boundaries is a good one. I allowed her to "keep in touch" with him as old friends. At that point, she was open about it. There is even a Facebook message of his from last year that says, "It's great that your husband says it's fine that we can keep in touch." In retrospect, I really look like the dupe.

As for the guy, I have his e-mail and town where he lives. What other information can I use, and where could I get it?

I guess that I am just too drained to think about a custody battle. I was also under the assumption that women get custody in most cases with little kids anyway (2 years old).

That's exactly what I was looking for. Thanks!!

Which means you'll be living in purgatory for the rest of your life. That's mental cruelty for you and will keep your marriage on shaky, moment-to-moment ground.

Okay - you've got a keylogger so ignore the link I gave you. And she knows of its existence, got it. Leave it on there anyway. She needs to know that you will do whatever it takes to keep your marriage safe. My former wayward husband knows that I employ a variety of tools to confirm his fidelity. The "Blind Trust" tool is not on my tools list. He's cool with that, because he is committed to our marriage. You want to get your WW to that same point.

This is why it is so important that you burst her fantasy that you will occasionally have your son when it's convenient for her. Right now she's aware of that possibility, and that's why she's saying she's only "80%" sure of divorce. She knows that she could lose much physical custody of her son, and she doesn't want that. Be clear: As his father, YOU have a "package deal" with your son, as well. You need to let her know that the reality of child custody is going to be quite different than the childcare scenario she's envisioning.

They don't have to be in the act for the A to be continuing. Any contact between them keeps it active. For the A to be over, all contact between the 2 of them must cease.

Simply not having sex isn't an end to the A.

If you do this right, I don't think there will BE a custody battle. I'm saying that you need to TELL her that you intend to go for full custody. Don't waste energy, considering whether or not you will actually get it. That's not your goal right now. You want to put a wrinkle in her plans. You want to make it clear to her that you're not going to roll over for this affair. She wants you to play nice so she can have her cake and eat it too. Let her know that you intend to fight for your marriage and your family.

Do you have access to his Facebook page? You can get intel from that. (Copy and paste all of his contacts into a Word doc for possible use. More on that later.)

He's married, correct? If so, his wife is your most valuable exposure target. Exposing the A to her may well kill it immediately. (And make no mistake: The A is not dead.)

Go to the county auditor's website where he lives and put his name in the search box. See what comes up. If he owns a house and it's titled in his name, that will tell you where he lives. See if the house is titled in his name and a woman's name. That will likely be his wife's name. Google her and see what you get.

www.intelius.com Go to this site and google his name. It will bring up his name and associated names. You may get a hit on his wife's name on this site.