Got it ... took a while ....sleep deficit

I understand completely!

happy, how are you going today? is it raining in welly? it was supposed to rain here, but it's a pretty nice day for a cloudy, windy one.

where are you in your plan?

Hi Letty, sorry delay haven't been on lots of drama this end. Wet, windy and cold today.

Received message from Facebook re friends and lo and behold WH (never had a/c before) and OW facebook are there. I have only just joined facebook myself... I tried to cut/paste & copy & paste OW friends list but couldn't. No option to cut/paste, tried to right click on friend & selected copy but this only copies photo. Can anyone offer a novice advice on how to do this?

OW parent's don't have facebook a/c but I've managed via internet to track down a home address so I can mail letter.

I will draft exposure letters and post for comments.

Plan A ... probably won't leave any warm memories of me ... action taken to protect our financial security as WH followed through on threat to default on mortgage. WH extremely angry ... better I weather his anger than loose our family home & assets.

Summary - a short Plan A with angry WH with appalling behaviour so focus is on avoiding LB. Going into Plan B next week so no contact.

My suspicions have been confirmed OW preyed upon WH, saw him as financial target. She is actively behind his current irrational plan of fire sale and capitalising mortgage or defaulting and foreclosure. Enjoying the lifestyle of the redirected mortgage repayment money. She has also actively discussed things with DD16 which was damaging to my relationship with DD. Fortunately this has been resolved. OW has also been imparting her parenting views to WH even though she has no children. WH in his foggy infatuated state has realigned his views with hers.

I have researched narcists in affairs and their "envy trait".
OW sees BW as a rival and their goal is to remove love to cause pain to BW. They seek to replace, slipping into role of wife, taking over her house, husband and life ... its life and identity theft. They want to take the positive lifestyle attributes of that person and destroy that person. The affair will continue as long as OW feels she has BW attention and power over her. An envious narcist is brazen, bold and certain of her superiority over BW, citing her relationship as proof.

Obviously I can't educate WH (LB) or point out OW's flaws ... WH wouldn't listen to me and I don't want to strengthen their bond. Does any one think I should send an email not accusing OW or mentioning her name but listing a few suggestive questions to plant the seed and hopefully get him to start thinking, or at least question down the track? Or would this be considered a LB no matter how I word it. At the very least I want him to re consider his new parenting view.

I have been in contact with lawyer today to double check legal rights re no contact with OW as I am concerned about her negative influence. I am hoping the new information re her behaviour will give me some legal avenue.

No- do not send an email trying to get him on the right track.

He doesn't care- and it will only be points against you in his wayward head.

Thanks RidicSit. To date I hadn't done this but since having my suspicions confirmed I really wanted to try to get him to stop and think .... its so frustrating when its staring him in the face and he can't see it. Especially with her history of short term relationships.

Click on the "friends" link so they all come up on one page. Put your cursor over the first name and hold down your clicker [left clicker]. While holding it down scroll down over the names. When they are all selected, right click and select "copy." Paste all the names and pics into a text document and save it.

If you want to him to stop and think, then expose the affair wide and far. That will do more to wake him up than anything. I promise! It is like bringing a crowd of people into the crack house to watch the crackheads. It ruins the high!

And you are exactly right about protecting yourself financially. You are doing the right thing.

happy, i went to my lawyer yesterday. you can file under the property relations act, which is here: http://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/f...s-under-property-relationships-act-1976.

it's my understanding that you have already filed a separation agreement, yes? so you should have a case number. otherwise they will assign one when you file. make sure you have already filled in the form(s) and make 3 copies *before* you go to the court. it's worth seeing your lawyer to have an agreement drawn up on how the day-to-day functioning will go. however, your WH will have to sign it after independent counsel has reviewed it; it is not enforceable unless this is done :O( but the form i linked you to above should take care of you in the meantime. your WH needs to know you are SERIOUS. don't do this until you are ready to start plan b (soon!).

do NOT attempt to contact your WH anymore. he is compleeeetely wayward, so there's no point in speaking to him about anything. get going on exposure and plan b. be prepared for this to be hard, but it's not nearly as hard as living how you've been living since the OW arrived on the scene.

i'm thinking of you today. cold, cloudy and breezy here today. i'm off to work soon, and i don't access MB at work because i don't want our crazy tech to see anything here. but i will check back in later.

Hi Letty beautiful and sunny here today.

Thanks for link and info will look into it. In process of formalising SA (based on our informal agreement which he has threatened to renig on). My lawyer sent to WH lawyer 3 weeks ago Wednesday.

Thanks ML. The beauty of this forum is the words of wisdom from others who are not emotionally involved. I'm sure exposure would be more effective than me ....considering according to WH I'm crazy and f***d in the head .... delightful thing to tell your DD16. Its just frustrating he can't see reality yet and sad that he is willing to sacrifice so much for a fantasy that won't last.

This is possibly an odd question, but in your experience, does the speed with which it progresses have any effect on how long it will last? Everything has happened so quickly moved out 2 days after DD, wanting to sell 2 weeks after moving in with OW. Will it crash and burn quicker or does it just increase the intensity of the affair?

It increases intensity for a while. "Us against the world" sort of thing.

It may take time to go south, but it WILL.

Help - either I'm a "copy" illiterate or just need more character building experiences when I tried to copy as per above the names and pics didn't copy ... only thing that did "friends 114" "mutual friends, people may know, search etc". I pressume the purpose of the word document a record of friends, so printing page as pdf would be OK if I can't copy.

Thanks Karmarose. Helps to gain some understanding of what I'm up against, particularly from people who have lived the experience and seen it all on MB.

I really appreciate everyone's insight and support.

I am also copy challenged. I would have to click on each name, and then copy the URL. That way I could be certain I got the right people. But, that's just me. I tend to do things a bit differently.

Thanks Scotty, I think whatever works is good. I know your the Plan B Queen so I'm open to any pointers you may have

I agree with this. The fantasy and secrecy of the affair initially helps the AP's bond. They turn to each other for reassurance that their lying cheating ways are the stuff of soulmate schmoopies.

My WH even mentioned (pre D-Day when I was Plan A'ing for all I was worth given my suspicions) that he used to feel that it was US against the world, but no longer did. Because he had a new point of comparison.

How long that comparison between the AP and the BS remains in the AP's favour... who knows, there are too many variables to predict. But the intensity for the AP eventually fades. I've been watching two long-term affairs from a distance for a few months now, and once they go south (which these two have) the selfishness that built the affair is turned on each other.

It ain't pretty. It sure ain't love.

On track with implementing Plan B early this week. Last contact with WH was yesterday.

Still no luck copying and pasting from facebook using any of the suggestions ... doesn't paste photos or names only other info on page, can't individually copy photos etc. I have "printed" page as a pdf onto my laptop.

Will post PBL to WH & EL for comments, then will send. Have managed to track address for OW parents so will send a letter ... no contact number. Have also found details of OW ex partner, will contact him hopefully he may be able to provide details and I may be able to shed some light for him. Also Found OW ex husband facebook, thought I would send him PM.

Before coming across MB I instinctively met some of PA principles without having a formal plan. I'm not sure how successful that was given week 1: I didn't know of affair I thought he was having MLC, week 2: he was away 4 days on business, discovered affair 3/4 days later and he moved out 2 days later. Tried to be best version of self, happy etc although few teary moments during discussions about children and property division.

The last 2 2 1/2 months I have tried not to LB but he has been pressuring to sell our assets. Later he spent a 1 1/2 weeks trying to pressure me to agree to increasing our debt(capitaling or defaulting)and reducing the prices below agent's advised minimum. He became angry fired off accusations threats etc when I didn't comply. I've always tried to remain calm and act and not react, but I'm sure in his foggy way of thinking anything I have said has been viewed as a LB.

Unfortunately during this time although I cold see the alien in front of me I hoped I could get through to the H I knew. Not a lot of chance for real PA mainly limited contact about children and finances etc during this time.

I was really concerned about my short "formal" Plan A with goal of no LB (due to WH behaviour) that I wouldn't be able to leave a good impression prior to going into PB

Yesterday (dropped DD6 home) was the last contact I will have with him. I planned for a stellar PA - looked good (wore a formal evening/black tie dress ... sexy but classy, that has significant good memories attached from last time I wore it including SF ... as I can't meet this EN now) smelt good, house immaculate, coffee on for aroma & to make inviting, music (good choice without appearing too obvious)etc. I had planned a brief compliment to meet his need for affection/admiration about how great he was looking as a result of his fitness regime and new wardobes ... even planned a quick touch of the arm.

As I didn't know what time they were arriving I thought the dress would work and not look "staged" DD6 asked why I was wearing the dress and I casually replied that I had a function and was trying on dresses to decide which one to wear.

Hopefully the visual will be stored for future reference. Didn't have the opportunity to pay compliment WH not speaking to me, dropped DD6 and left. WH angry that I am protecting financial security ... doesn't view it this way only sees it as non compliance. WH extremely angry was given notification my mother has lodged a caveat which will prevent bank foreclosing etc.